Saturday, June 7, 2014

Dating Questions: Why is it so hard for you to communicate?

Communication is so important.  In EVERY relationship.  Not just guy-girl relationships, but in every.single.relationship. 

However, today's post is going to be directed to communication in the dating relationship.  Of course, you know this by the Title..and by the theme on my blog as of late.

Why do guys put so little effort to make communication happen?  Why do girls make it more complicated then it needs to be to communicate?  Why is communication difficult between guys and girls?  Why can't everyone see that it makes things so much easier if you just simply communicate?  Truly.  Very simple.

I love one of the lines to the lyric of the song Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson...

"Let's not make this harder than it has to be"

I feel sometimes this dating process is harder than it has to be.  It shouldn't have to be this hard.

I am passionate about communicating.  Do I do it perfectly?  No.  Do I sometimes feel I over communicate?  Yes.  Do I sometimes feel that what I communicate is misunderstood?  Yes.  Would I rather over communicate than not communicate at all?  Yes.  Do I sometimes think that people fight communication when if they embraced it it would be the key to the problem?  Yes.  Is communication extremely important to me?  It is!!!  Oh so much.  

I spend a lot of time learning how to do it better. I evaluate what I have done in the past and what gave me the best results.  I have seen the results of good communication and I have seen the results of lack of communication.  Therefore, when you have the proof in the pudding so to speak, why do we not spend more time perfecting communication?

I am amazed at how many times people can't simply say what they are thinking, they are feeling, they want, they need, they desire, the dream of, they are afraid of, they wish, they anticipate, they hope for, they understand to be, they are concerned about...

But they don't.  They leave it to be assumed or to be figured out or think it will just be known if they leave things alone and it will resolve itself or they don't think it is important.

Really?  Since when did one of us become mind readers?  Guys or girls?  Since when did all of us think, feel, want, need, desire, dream, fear, wish, anticipate, hope, understand or have concerns about in the same way???  Right.  Never.  Even when speaking to people of the same sex.  So what should we do to correct this?  And why don't we focus on correcting it?

I was reminded by a friend to say:

"It makes me feel _____ when you do or say _____ ."

I was taught this at my first LiveBIG Conference and guess what, I had already forgotten it.  She reminded me at a time when I needed it.  Really needed it.  Because I was trying to make my point with facts instead of stating how something made me feel.  That's all that matters.  How it makes me feel because if you truly care about what I feel, you will focus on doing what you can to help me.

To me, communication is simple.  State what you are feeling and why.  Give the person a chance to hear your side of view.  Don't let it stop you from being you.  Don't be worried about what they think.  Put your cards out on the table and proceed after the next move is played.  It isn't hard.  Just do it!

If you are not interested in the dating relationship, say so.  If you don't want to go out on a date, say so.  If you want something different than how that person is showing up, say so.  If you miss them, say so.  If you care about them, say so.  If you enjoy their company, say so.  If you have changed your mind, say so.  If you need space, say so.  If you want time to reflect and answer questions, say so.  Don't hold back.  Don't be silent.  Don't ignore this person that you have allowed into your world and heart, even if its just a small amount.  They deserve your respect and communication.  It only creates more frustration in the relationship, not less.  It only leads to confusion and a lack of understanding intentions.  It only makes that person feel things they don't want to be feeling and that you can eliminate if you would simply and clearly share.

For me, I want to be a part of a relationship with a man that wants a companion. I want to experience a friendship and love with a man that is all my own.  If you don't want to be him, say so.  Why would I want to continue to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't want me in that way?  I don't.  I want a relationship with someone who wants me, really wants me, all of me!  I am not into forcing you to be on the same page with me.  Friendships, relationships, and Love are a choice.  And YOU get to choose just as much as I do!  Will I miss you???  Yes, I will.  Even if we are not a fit?  I most absolutely will.  Because everyone that comes into my life, even for a season, is used in my journey and I will miss you.  Even if you don't care about me like I care for you or you care about me like I don't care about you...we still have interacted and been a part of each others courageous journey.  But know this, my world will not fall a part.  If you need more time to figure out if you are him or I am her, say so.  If you have questions you need answered, ask them.  If you need space, ask for it.  If you have changed your mind at any point along the way, say so.  Don't expect me to figure out the meaning of your actions or lack there of.  I am not a mind reader and don't plan on making that a life long commitment either. LOL!!!

What books have you read about communication that you feel have dramatically improved your world in regards to communication?  

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