Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dating Lessons: Eyes, Heart and Mind aligned

In working at getting to know someone, you have to evaluate so many things about the person.  

It doesn't just have to be that they love God, but that is the most important one of all the elements.  It doesn't just have to do with do you feel attracted to them, but that is one element.  It isn't if you have common interests, but that is one element.  It isn't just if you can communicate, though that is one element.  It isn't just if you enjoy being with them, but that this one element.  It isn't just if you have common interests and enjoy doing various things together, though that is one element.

I was reading a blog post about someone discussing the issues that come up with dating and how you can feel like you are a serial dater.  You have to date so many people to find the right one.  To some degree, I can see how the blogger felt like this, but with the extreme screening and questioning I have put these guys through I doubt I will be a serial dater.  

The blog discussed many aspects of what each person faces when they are dating and the challenges that come up.  One thing I feel is that many times what is working for one person doesn't work for another.  Each of us have different personalities, preferences, habits, character traits, experiences, expectations, desires, etc.  To think that it is always going to be the same for each person is undeniable insane because we are so different...yet in some core aspects, we are exactly alike.  Therefore, that being said, there are things that can generally be guidelines  to follow as you engage in this experience.  Because everyone can have a different experience, I find it intriguing to get input and thoughts from various people on all aspects of this process and learn as much as I can.  I will apply what fits for me and make it the most beneficial in this process I am in at this time.

The thing I find missing for most people as you discuss the dating process with them, is that most people are truly afraid to show up and engage 100%.  To be themselves completely so they can experience every aspect of the dating relationship.  How else will you figure it out if you don't show up?  And be authentic?  

Most people go into the relationship believing that it is not going to work.  They go in not trusting instead of having an attitude of trust with the perspective that the person will reflect to you who they truly are.  They will not be able to keep their true character hid, if you are willing to see it, if you are open to observing it, if you are seeking to understand instead of be understood, if you are willing to share, if you are open to communicating the good, bad, pretty, ugly and will know whether this relationship is one that has the ability to be long term.

The blogger discussed a fact that many times we feel we have to give someone a second or third date to know if there is compatibility and chemistry.  Why do we do this?  Why do we think that we can ignore the importance of both of these things?  Yet, to be honest, if we were to step back and remove any fear of making a decision, we would know that this person is not right for us.  We would objectively look at and evaluate the person instead of feeling the need to justify, settle, talk ourselves into something that is less than best.

The blogger quoted a two friends, one who said:  

Why would you date someone you weren't excited about in all ways???

Yah, really why would you?  Good question.  Only I guess if you felt you had to settle or were desperate.  Only if you believed that somehow a relationship with someone was not supposed to excite you on all levels.

Then another friend who said:

Do not settle if your eyes, heart and mind are not one.

This sentence is profound to me.  How many times do we justify and excuse instead of say, it doesn't meet my eyes, my heart and my mind so its not a fit.

As one who was never encouraged to hold out for the very best, but to settle for what "could work" or "met the basic need", I think sometimes we don't believe we are deserving of the very best and the most excellent of all options.  That doesn't mean be picky, please get the point I am trying to make, it means not accepting the first thing that comes your way because it may not be the very best option.  When our eyes, heart and mind are one, we will feel as one and it will be the imperfect perfect fit for us.

I want to remember this statement:  The eyes, heart and mind must be aligned!

The other piece of advice I loved from this blog post was the reminder that we have The Mind of Christ and we can trust our own judgement.  We are capable human beings that are able to make righteous, godly, appropriate decisions through the prayer and leading of the one who loves us more than anyone.  We have nothing to fear.  There will be no mistakes.  We will know the answer.  Be confident in this!

[if you want to read the post I refer to above, click here.]

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