I have been sharing with you my journey into the world of dating. Last month I wrote a bunch of posts on Dating Questions. These questions were ones that started as soon as I began the process, but I didn't write about until I felt comfortable sharing them on my blog, some time later. I spent a lot of time writing these posts and scheduled them throughout the month though they were written as I was working through them in my own heart and mind.
This month, I have decided to write posts on Dating Lessons. Sharing some things I have learned either about me, men or the dating scene itself. Please know: My lessons may not be the same as yours. My views may not be the same as yours. It's my journey and I am grateful for every aspect of it. You are welcome to agree or disagree and either way, it will be ongoing dialogue in my journey that will be perfect.
In getting to know various guys through emails, texts, phone calls and dates, I have experienced various preferences. In being accepting of these, I have found that sometimes it was hard for me to understand why certain things were a preference, but I always have approached the viewpoint that I would appreciate the interaction, endeavor to learn to understand, let the person be who they were - not trying to change them, and apply whatever I could to my own life from the relationship and interaction.
At times I ran into conflict in this.
I found myself trying to believe that what I wanted or needed wasn't important and that I needed to adapt to their way of thinking. I found myself shutting down my desires to be good enough and develop a friendship and get to know them. I found myself ignoring my viewpoint in trying to be "so accepting" of them to not cause them to think I was demanding at wanting or needing something they didn't want to give. In doing this, I found myself feeling like I didn't matter though. This hurt. As I worked through addressing why it hurt, I found that my boundary and expectation of myself was out of line. It needed adjustment.
Phone calls was one of these types of conflicts for me.
Communication via email is great! That means that you can write your thoughts out on paper and share them. A guy who can write his thoughts down and will take the time to do so shows that he is willing to put in effort where it matters.
Communication via text is also pretty awesome! It means you will take time out of your day to share some thoughts and communicate. You can keep it short and sweet or long and engaging. But in general, it is easy for most people to text in today's world. It takes little thought, little planning, little engaging, and can be done right now.
Communication via the phone is more personable! It means that I get to hear your voice. I get to see how dialogue transpires. I get to hear your passion, feeling, emotion, thoughts and manners verbally. It is a dynamic that tells a lot about you as a person. From the words you choose, the topics you talk about, the questions you ask, the way you convey everything, how you begin and end a conversation, the length of time you want to spend talking, whether you schedule the call or call out of the blue, etc. It is very revealing about you. Because you are unique and your personality will show through.
Phone Calls I have learned are a very important and dynamic part of the relationship in getting to know each other. I have decided it is not something that can be left out. It is not something I am "demanding" to have, it is a requirement of a relationship with me. I am not going to put down my feelings and deny that this is not important and just accept your response of "I just don't like to talk on the phone" as a reason to why we don't. I am going to express that I want to talk to you on the phone and if you don't make an effort to do so after hearing it is something I want to be a part of the relationship I will understand that my wants don't matter to you. But to ignore it as a need or want and give in to you, that I won't do. It is important. Very important. And I won't be in another relationship where it is sacrificed.
The reality of this came to me the last few weeks as I worked through my feelings on this and I experienced guys willing to have conversation, very long conversations, very thorough conversations and the results of that time spent in getting to know each other.
There is nothing wrong with me wanting to talk on the phone and to desire this wasn't out of line. There is nothing wrong with expressing what you want out of a relationship. There is nothing wrong with adapting to someone when it is something that can be adapted or adjusted to and doesn't compromise a feeling or need you have. There is nothing wrong with accepting someone in their zone but appreciating yours too. Relationships are give and take. They require both parties to be willing to be adaptive and adjust as necessary but have full ability to be who they are.
Talking on the phone is very important part of the dating relationship. Don't doubt yourself.