If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. – Chinese Proverb |
Monday, April 30, 2012
Quotes
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Surprise Visit Thoughts
I wrote about a Surprise Visit here. I want to write some more about how this affected me...and why.
I didn't grow up in a home where things were done simply out of love for someone, without an ulterior motive attached. Without rebuke or condemnation if it wasn't done just so. I am not used to being treated kindly, simply because someone loves you and wants to be with you. The very sentence I just wrote makes me cry. Literally. I can't help it. It is hard to explain my feelings, knowing someone drove 90minutes and hung 120minutes out in the parking lot just to surprise me, see me and want to spend time with me...simply because they want to!!! For NO OTHER reason, then they want to.
If you haven't experienced what I have, you probably can't relate. It probably won't even make sense to you. You probably think me crazy for feeling strange, out of place, a bit confused, uneasy, guilty, etc. I honestly don't feel sorry for you, I am glad you haven't experienced what I have. I wouldn't want you to feel alone as I have. To overcome those feelings of thinking someone wants something out of you, expects something out of you, will retaliate if things don't go according to their terms, will only love you if you perform and meet expectations, only wants you around for a purpose on their agenda, etc is a challenge I have faced for a lot of my life and probably will continue to. I spent 20years in that environment and now 15 years out. You don't break those habits and ways of thinking overnight, even if you try desperately (and want to desperately) get rid of them, it is a process.
It takes time to understand the feelings you feel, why and how to place them. It takes working through life's experiences, reflecting on them, evaluating what is the truth. It takes time to learn how to think, learn how to respond, learn new expectations. It takes time to realize not everyone treats you the same way that you were treated in your childhood. Many times it is an act of sheer faith to not believe what you have always felt, and assume someone else will take advantage of you and treat you the same way. It takes a heart, willing to be open and not close a door out of fear. Even if you naturally want to run, far, fast and keep a distance because of how you feel and dread feeling.
It is a step by step growing process to learn to be loved. Learn to accept being loved with no strings attached. Learn to appreciate being loved. Learn to not feel guilty for being loved. Learn to love being loved.
I'm still learning...but I thank you Uncle Gib & Auntie Con for loving me and helping me learn. I love you both a bunch!
I didn't grow up in a home where things were done simply out of love for someone, without an ulterior motive attached. Without rebuke or condemnation if it wasn't done just so. I am not used to being treated kindly, simply because someone loves you and wants to be with you. The very sentence I just wrote makes me cry. Literally. I can't help it. It is hard to explain my feelings, knowing someone drove 90minutes and hung 120minutes out in the parking lot just to surprise me, see me and want to spend time with me...simply because they want to!!! For NO OTHER reason, then they want to.
If you haven't experienced what I have, you probably can't relate. It probably won't even make sense to you. You probably think me crazy for feeling strange, out of place, a bit confused, uneasy, guilty, etc. I honestly don't feel sorry for you, I am glad you haven't experienced what I have. I wouldn't want you to feel alone as I have. To overcome those feelings of thinking someone wants something out of you, expects something out of you, will retaliate if things don't go according to their terms, will only love you if you perform and meet expectations, only wants you around for a purpose on their agenda, etc is a challenge I have faced for a lot of my life and probably will continue to. I spent 20years in that environment and now 15 years out. You don't break those habits and ways of thinking overnight, even if you try desperately (and want to desperately) get rid of them, it is a process.
It takes time to understand the feelings you feel, why and how to place them. It takes working through life's experiences, reflecting on them, evaluating what is the truth. It takes time to learn how to think, learn how to respond, learn new expectations. It takes time to realize not everyone treats you the same way that you were treated in your childhood. Many times it is an act of sheer faith to not believe what you have always felt, and assume someone else will take advantage of you and treat you the same way. It takes a heart, willing to be open and not close a door out of fear. Even if you naturally want to run, far, fast and keep a distance because of how you feel and dread feeling.
It is a step by step growing process to learn to be loved. Learn to accept being loved with no strings attached. Learn to appreciate being loved. Learn to not feel guilty for being loved. Learn to love being loved.
I'm still learning...but I thank you Uncle Gib & Auntie Con for loving me and helping me learn. I love you both a bunch!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
thought for the day...
Luke 18:1 tells us we should always pray and not give up.
II Corinthians 4:16 tells us we should remember that we are being renewed inwardly day by day.
Galatians 6:9 tells us that we should focus on the harvest that will come if we do not give up.
Ephesians 3:12-13 tells us that we should find comfort in the amazing ability we have to approach God
with freedom and confidence.
II Thessalonians 3:13 tells us that we should just keep doing what is right.
And finally Hebrews 12:3 tells us that we should think about Jesus and what He endured on our behalf. Nothing we are going through will compare with that.
These are a few verses that help me to keep things in perspective when I lose heart and I hope they will help you, too. We have to have resources to encourage us on the journey!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
strength [for today]
Sometimes I don't feel my blog is aptly named. Sometimes I don't feel very courageous. Sometimes I don't like the journey. Sometimes I just want to quit and give up. Sometimes I don't understand why God feels my shoulders are so strong. Sometimes I don't know why He thinks I can do this (even with His help!). Yes, sometimes I don't know what to say either.
I am going through a lot right now. I won't lie, and I won't tell you it is easy or that I am "doing well" with it all. Some days are better than others. I have to remember God has a plan. I don't. He knows. I don't. I don't have answers. He does, even if he never provides them to me. He does.
These verses are my daily review right now.
Psalm 29:11
The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.
Psalm 105:4
look to the LORD and his strength
1 Thessalonians 3:13
May he strengthen your heart
Thursday, April 19, 2012
a surprise visit!
Last night, I was EXTREMELY surprised by some very close friends of mine...
I currently work out of town a few days every week (usually two, but the week this occurred it was to be three). I enjoy working with this client as both my client and the team are very fun; they want to learn, they want help and they are kind. The location is far enough that if I work late, it is best I get a hotel and not head home...and even if I don't, it is best because I get more rest and to bed at the hour I need to be there. I also have my sessions on back to back days, which means that if I am just going to turn around and head back there early the next day, it doesn't make sense to spend the time on the road.
Time is money. Money costs time.
Time is sleep. Sleep costs time.
I stopped by Wednesday morning on my way out of town to give Uncle Gib & Auntie Con hugs. I felt with being out of town 3days that I was going to miss them a bunch and wanted to be sure and let them know that. Uncle Gib asked if I would be working late since I was off to a late start that day, I said, "Heck no, I will be there 3days this week, not a chance!" I was not aware of the fact that he was filling me out and that they were working on plans, I had not a clue what was cooking when he asked that!
They left that afternoon and drove 90minutes to meet me at my client's office and hung out in the parking lot...waiting...and waiting...and waiting. About 5.30pm, Auntie Con texted me and asked if I was still working, when no response came she said "poor baby, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad". I wish I could write to you exactly what each of the texts she sent me said, but I recently had to do a phone reset back to factory settings because it wasn't syncing my email, so I lost them all.
Meanwhile, I was in the midst of trying to fix a screw up I made. I had questioned the billing Team why they didn't have the collection letters done yet for past due accounts and they kept telling me that it was taking a long time. In exasperation I finally said, help me understand, its just a few clicks of the buttons to get these templates to print out, what is taking so long? They looked at me, we are using the templates, but we have to input the patient name, address, balance due, etc and that takes a lot of time. I said, Not those templates! I said, Are you not using the templates I built last month in the database? They said we don't know what you are talking about. From there the pieces started to come together. I had worked with one of the four team members last month at month end and created the templates, but had done the letters myself with only one of the team working with me. I had not yet created a tutorial on the process or steps to achieve these. I had not done training with all the team on how to use these and achieve quick results. They were doing things the "old way" not the new way because their teacher didn't complete her tasks.
Wow. I felt horrible. Like a complete failure? I wasn't sure why I had forgotten to do this (other than too much on my plate), but it didn't matter, I felt awful. Was I determined to get that tutorial made so that they could do it the easier way first thing tomorrow? Absolutely...and so I was working feverishly at the computer trying to get these steps outlined and printed for each of the girls.
I had stuck my phone in my purse right before 5.30pm when all this came down the pipe. I never heard my text messages as I was working in my clients office where the servers are and its loud and if my phone is not right there with me, I don't hear the messages.
Auntie Con texted me some more things and finally about 06:50pm said, "I am serious, grab your purse and come join us! We are in the parking lot waiting for you!"...after I still didn't come out, they said "We give up...maybe we will see you maybe we will not at the restaurant!" They left to go hang out at the restaurant I frequent each week I am there.
I got all these text messages from Auntie Con about 07:05pm and I couldn't help but just cry. [a post for another day on my reaction to all of this] My friends drove 90 minutes to surprise me and waited 2 hours in the parking lot for me? Me? They thought I was probably in a meeting so that is why they never came in...I am still in shock they waited so long.
They enjoyed the Italian restaurant a lot...probably just as much as I do. The owner was having surgery, so they didn't get to meet him, but they did see how everyone treats me so well and now know where I work, where I eat, and where I sleep. Kinda made them feel better about my weekly business trips.
I currently work out of town a few days every week (usually two, but the week this occurred it was to be three). I enjoy working with this client as both my client and the team are very fun; they want to learn, they want help and they are kind. The location is far enough that if I work late, it is best I get a hotel and not head home...and even if I don't, it is best because I get more rest and to bed at the hour I need to be there. I also have my sessions on back to back days, which means that if I am just going to turn around and head back there early the next day, it doesn't make sense to spend the time on the road.
Time is money. Money costs time.
Time is sleep. Sleep costs time.
I stopped by Wednesday morning on my way out of town to give Uncle Gib & Auntie Con hugs. I felt with being out of town 3days that I was going to miss them a bunch and wanted to be sure and let them know that. Uncle Gib asked if I would be working late since I was off to a late start that day, I said, "Heck no, I will be there 3days this week, not a chance!" I was not aware of the fact that he was filling me out and that they were working on plans, I had not a clue what was cooking when he asked that!
They left that afternoon and drove 90minutes to meet me at my client's office and hung out in the parking lot...waiting...and waiting...and waiting. About 5.30pm, Auntie Con texted me and asked if I was still working, when no response came she said "poor baby, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad". I wish I could write to you exactly what each of the texts she sent me said, but I recently had to do a phone reset back to factory settings because it wasn't syncing my email, so I lost them all.
Meanwhile, I was in the midst of trying to fix a screw up I made. I had questioned the billing Team why they didn't have the collection letters done yet for past due accounts and they kept telling me that it was taking a long time. In exasperation I finally said, help me understand, its just a few clicks of the buttons to get these templates to print out, what is taking so long? They looked at me, we are using the templates, but we have to input the patient name, address, balance due, etc and that takes a lot of time. I said, Not those templates! I said, Are you not using the templates I built last month in the database? They said we don't know what you are talking about. From there the pieces started to come together. I had worked with one of the four team members last month at month end and created the templates, but had done the letters myself with only one of the team working with me. I had not yet created a tutorial on the process or steps to achieve these. I had not done training with all the team on how to use these and achieve quick results. They were doing things the "old way" not the new way because their teacher didn't complete her tasks.
Wow. I felt horrible. Like a complete failure? I wasn't sure why I had forgotten to do this (other than too much on my plate), but it didn't matter, I felt awful. Was I determined to get that tutorial made so that they could do it the easier way first thing tomorrow? Absolutely...and so I was working feverishly at the computer trying to get these steps outlined and printed for each of the girls.
I had stuck my phone in my purse right before 5.30pm when all this came down the pipe. I never heard my text messages as I was working in my clients office where the servers are and its loud and if my phone is not right there with me, I don't hear the messages.
Auntie Con texted me some more things and finally about 06:50pm said, "I am serious, grab your purse and come join us! We are in the parking lot waiting for you!"...after I still didn't come out, they said "We give up...maybe we will see you maybe we will not at the restaurant!" They left to go hang out at the restaurant I frequent each week I am there.
I got all these text messages from Auntie Con about 07:05pm and I couldn't help but just cry. [a post for another day on my reaction to all of this] My friends drove 90 minutes to surprise me and waited 2 hours in the parking lot for me? Me? They thought I was probably in a meeting so that is why they never came in...I am still in shock they waited so long.
They enjoyed the Italian restaurant a lot...probably just as much as I do. The owner was having surgery, so they didn't get to meet him, but they did see how everyone treats me so well and now know where I work, where I eat, and where I sleep. Kinda made them feel better about my weekly business trips.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
results of natural chemo?
...before you panic, no, I don't have cancer, the kind that you can treat with true chemo (at least that I am aware of). The last two months, I have been experiencing hair loss of a level never before. When you tell people, you get typical responses, "Yah, I know what you mean, I do too." I hate to tell you this, but I don't think that you are having the amount I am. Even if you are, it doesn't change the fact I am. Take a look:
When I told my doctor the first part of February of my concern, he notated it, but didn't seem to be alarmed until my second visit when I produced pictures of the amount of hair loss. Let me say his facial expression and level of deep concern by what he said communicated things beyond words to me. One of my girlfriends does a lot of research and she had sent me something she read about my condition that I printed and gave him wondering if it would be helpful to me. He is going to research it and let me know on my next visit as at this time he/we are not sure what is causing it since I don't feel stressed (believe me, I know what stress is) but we know that I have Endometriosis which is a disease that forms like Breast Cancer does (it is something I have battled since my childhood), along with adrenal fatigue and other hormone issues. These things may be causing stress on my body that I can't "feel". The Endometriosis is continuing to wreck havoc on other areas of my hormones. They have been changing my medications and in November 2011 took me off hormones I had been on for the bulk of my life, this may be a result of that...it may be something else.
I am determined to not get stressed about it, but when your hair is a third of what it used to be it is hard to not just cry.
It is hard to put it up in hairstyles that are a bold reminder of what it is now...a 2" flimsy bun vs a 5" thick bun (I have not actually measured it, but I can guarantee you it is drastic).
It is hard to want to touch it because a wad just might end up in your hands.
It is hard to want to care for it out of fear you may be bald very soon.
Just like other areas of my life that are not as I dream of it to be, that are difficult, cause pain, create fear, produce regret, bring concern...I try to find ways to cope, ways to acknowledge the facts, create peace and be positive about it. I try to remember that God has a plan, even if I don't understand it. I am determined to look at this as something my body is doing because it is better for me with the hope and possibility of new growth coming soon!
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my thick curly hair.
I want answers to curing my Endometriosis and since it is related to a type of cancer, I want to find a natural way to cure it. There has to be a way! I trust that God is allowing me to go through Natural Chemo with my hair loss and that I can find a Natural Chemo method to fight this disease that is like cancer.
So I am on a journey of Natural Chemo! ;)
 |
| hair loss for 1 random Day |
 |
| hair loss 2 Days later |
When I told my doctor the first part of February of my concern, he notated it, but didn't seem to be alarmed until my second visit when I produced pictures of the amount of hair loss. Let me say his facial expression and level of deep concern by what he said communicated things beyond words to me. One of my girlfriends does a lot of research and she had sent me something she read about my condition that I printed and gave him wondering if it would be helpful to me. He is going to research it and let me know on my next visit as at this time he/we are not sure what is causing it since I don't feel stressed (believe me, I know what stress is) but we know that I have Endometriosis which is a disease that forms like Breast Cancer does (it is something I have battled since my childhood), along with adrenal fatigue and other hormone issues. These things may be causing stress on my body that I can't "feel". The Endometriosis is continuing to wreck havoc on other areas of my hormones. They have been changing my medications and in November 2011 took me off hormones I had been on for the bulk of my life, this may be a result of that...it may be something else.
I am determined to not get stressed about it, but when your hair is a third of what it used to be it is hard to not just cry.
It is hard to put it up in hairstyles that are a bold reminder of what it is now...a 2" flimsy bun vs a 5" thick bun (I have not actually measured it, but I can guarantee you it is drastic).
It is hard to want to touch it because a wad just might end up in your hands.
It is hard to want to care for it out of fear you may be bald very soon.
Just like other areas of my life that are not as I dream of it to be, that are difficult, cause pain, create fear, produce regret, bring concern...I try to find ways to cope, ways to acknowledge the facts, create peace and be positive about it. I try to remember that God has a plan, even if I don't understand it. I am determined to look at this as something my body is doing because it is better for me with the hope and possibility of new growth coming soon!
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my thick curly hair.
I want answers to curing my Endometriosis and since it is related to a type of cancer, I want to find a natural way to cure it. There has to be a way! I trust that God is allowing me to go through Natural Chemo with my hair loss and that I can find a Natural Chemo method to fight this disease that is like cancer.
So I am on a journey of Natural Chemo! ;)
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
verse to reflect on...
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
- James 1:5 NIV
- James 1:5 NIV
Monday, April 9, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
song ~ one god
One God
by Phil Wickham
One God, one God, one God
Mighty Creator, You give us life
Wonderful Savior, from death You rise
Glory and Honor belong to You alone
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricenter.com/e54704-phil_wickham~one_god_lyrics.html ]
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
Father of mercy, You break the chains
Now there is victory in Jesus name
Glory and Honor belong to You alone
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God
One God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God
by Phil Wickham
One God, one God, one God
Mighty Creator, You give us life
Wonderful Savior, from death You rise
Glory and Honor belong to You alone
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricenter.com/e54704-phil_wickham~one_god_lyrics.html ]
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
Father of mercy, You break the chains
Now there is victory in Jesus name
Glory and Honor belong to You alone
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God
There's only one God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God
One God who can make the stars
One God who saves our hearts
One God You reign over all
There's only one God who can set us free
One God alive in me
One God You reign over all
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God (You reign forever)
You alone are God
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
verse to reflect on...
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.
- I Corinthians 16:13 NIV
- I Corinthians 16:13 NIV
Monday, April 2, 2012
Quotes
Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured. They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is.
- Blaise Pascal, Writer
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