I have been facing a gamete of emotions the last few weeks.
It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child. It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling. Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings. These things are apart of me. They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased. The things I faced are what made me who I am. However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right. But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?
I can only tell you I don't have those answers. I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer. There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them. I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense. It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel. In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it. It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.
These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood? I don't know. Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore? I don't know. Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds? I don't know. But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997. That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading. The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life. Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply. I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand. This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing. This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.
Am I willing to go see my Dad? Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him. But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received. I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on? It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it. Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now? I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him. I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words. When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting. From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on. No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it. I have not found that He wants me there. When that changes, I will go.
Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!