I woke up before the alarm went off today as we had a storm blow through Texas. It included some pea size hail...a bunch of it! It hailed at my house for 20-30minutes and woke me up. No more sleep!
I decided to get up and get a few things done before heading to the dealership to drop off the title to my old car along with my other key. I was headed to my American Academy of Professional Coders Class (AAPC) that I do once a month. It has always been on Tuesday evenings, but they voted in January to move it to Saturday every Quarter, and this was its first. Since it was a Saturday, it was a little bit more relaxed and the session went over what I anticipated it would. I was to be at a clients in Weatherford at 12.30pm. I texted him that I class went over, I needed to get lunch and was just leaving at 12pm and that I would be there as soon as I could. Enroute, another client called me so when I pulled up in his parking lot, I sat in the car until my conversation was over. When I arrived in his office he seemed a little edgy. I wasn't sure if this was because I was running later than originally planned or if this was because I sat in the parking lot talking and he knew I was here or if there was something else going on. I apologized for getting a later start then we originally planned, asked him questions to get up to date on where we were with his account and stuff that is happening, and launched into my accounting tasks. His office is in a warehouse like type setting. There is no heat, so you for sure don't dillydally about wasting time on a cold day like it was today.
We were working on some Paypal account issues and trying to balance to the daily Journal Entries. In working on these in Quickbooks, I had asked him where we were at getting things setup so I could work remotely. Traveling to his office was not the original plan and since it is an hour each way, that cuts into being profitable fast. He mentioned that he hoped to have the Mac Laptop finished up for me to use by the next time I came out. I laughed and said I would not hold my breath since he promised me that two times ago. I was wearing my hair down and didn't have a clip in it so I didn't see him come up behind me. He smacked me across the back of my head with his finger/palm, twice. I quickly rolled the desk chair away from the desk and turned in my head to look at him and said, "This is not going to work." He replied, "Are you serious? Don't over react." I said, "I am sorry, I was abused as a child, and I can't take this. This is not going to work." While saying this, I started gathering my things very quickly. Put my salad back in the Panera Bread to go sack, stuck my pen in the spiral part of my notebook, stuff papers in the folder, put my cell phone in my purse, grabbed it all up and stood up. He again said, "I didn't mean anything by it. Can't we talk this out?" I said, "Please just give me a few minutes to go to my car. I need a few minutes by myself. I will be back in to talk." He said "Okay."
I was amazed at the calm voice I had with him, though inside I was livid as hell. My heart beat was racing. I was shaking all over and incredibly irritated. I got in my car and locked the doors. As I sat in my car with my eyes closed my head bent over praying. I prayed God give me strength to deal with this. Please make me calm, I am rattled beyond words. Please help me to tell him plainly this is over and I am done. I can't do this. Absolutely can't do this. No amount of money is worth this. I suddenly felt I should not be sitting there with my eyes closed and head bent. I leaned my head against my hand on the arm rest and had my eyes open but looking away from his office. I prayed more...I am not sure what I said, I just felt the connection between me and heaven and I prayed. I really wanted to leave. I didn't want to go back in, but I decided it was time to get this over with. I grabbed my keys that have with pepper spray on them, held the pepper spray so it was clearly visible and ready to use, along with my cell phone. I left everything else in the car. I walked in the office and shut the door behind me and stood right there with my back against the door. He was sitting at his desk. I stood there and didn't say a word as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say first and how to say it. Before I did he said, "Can I say a few things?" I nodded. He said, "I want to apologize. I realize I triggered your trigger and I didn't mean to. I have never touched a woman. I realize this was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. I feel comfortable with you and was just playing around. If you will tell me what your triggers are, I will make sure I don't do it again." I said, "I understand and appreciate your apology. This is not going to work." He then said more about he realized he made a huge mistake and sincerely meant nothing by it. I then asked him, "What did I say that made you do that?" He said, "Nothing, I was just playing back. I never meant anything by it. Won't you please give this a second chance?" I said nothing and simply shook my head no. "I am sorry [his name], but I can't do this. This is not going to work." He was frustrated. Very frustrated. He stood up and then said, "So you are saying we can't work this out? You are lumping me in with all the other people who have abused you, like I am a bad guy? I promise it won't ever happen again." I responded, "[name of client], this should never have happened in the first place and I will not risk a second time. Though I absolutely want your business, no amount of money is worth this and I can't and won't do it." I went on to tell him that I wasn't aware of our contract terms by me ending the contract early, as that was at home, however I would adhere to the penalty. He looked to see if he had his copy with him and he said he didn't. He stated he would pay me in full because these were hours I put in. I told him that I appreciated that. I told him that I would go to my car and get the paperwork I had that had the user names, passwords and account information so that he would have everything back. I asked him to delete the shared Dropbox connection so that I have none of his information. I went to my car, got the paperwork, walked back in and laid it on the desk, and then I walked out and drove off.
As I drove off, I felt an overwhelming peace to be gone. I had an absolutely peace and secure feeling that I knew I did the right thing, though it was incredibly hard, I knew it was right. The back of my head hurt, it stung. I felt drained. Like I had just ran a marathon and had no energy left in me to drive home. I was physically and emotionally so exhausted all of a sudden. The memories of incidents like this that I had experienced in my childhood were clouding my vision, my mind, my heart, my every move. They were coming at me like the downpour of hail and it was very overwhelming. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run away. I honestly didn't care if I lived. I felt done with life. The suffocating feelings were drowning me. I prayed more. I prayed for God to help me understand why this happened. To help me to deal with the feelings I felt swarming me like no tomorrow, to handle my frustration in loosing a client, to deal with the loss of income, to remove the extreme anger I felt towards him, the memories that were causing emotions in me I had no clue could surface so easily. I needed God!
I drove in silence. I cried. I prayed. I continued to drive home. Halfway home I turned on the radio and one of the songs that played is one of my favorites, Need You Now by Plum. Tears streamed down my face. The words hit my heart. "Everybody's got a story to tell. [Oh God you know my story!] Everybody's got a wound to be healed. [Yes, I have lots of wounds God...please heal them.] I get so tired of holding on. I wanna believe there's meaning here. How many times have you heard me cry out? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need you, God I need you now! [Oh God, do you know how much I need you??? Dear God, please be with me!] Standing on a road I didn't plan. [No Lord, this was not in my plans!] Wondering...Trying to hear that still small voice. Though I walk through the shadows and I am so afraid. Please stay, please stay right beside me. With every single step I take."
Once home, I wondered why I had not reached out to my friends to ask for prayer. I needed it NOW! I texted Jennifer, Miki and Michelle and asked them to pray for me. [I know I could have texted many more of my friends and all of them/you would have prayed for me, but those are the ones I reached out to in this moment.] I let them know an incident with a client had turned my day upside down and I needed prayers as I was very shaken up.
I knew I couldn't stay at home. Though I had errands to run, I didn't want to, but yet I knew that in order to make it through the day, I needed to move forward with them or I was just going to be a zombie.
I went and got prescriptions. Then went to Jeff's to get the Valet Key on my old car [as the executor of my Will he has a key to my house and car] so that I could deliver that to the dealership. Then I went to the dealership to drop that off and get a demo of how to set things up inside my car as we ran out of time to do that last night. From there, I met Michelle for dinner.
Please pray for me as I work through these emotions and deal with all this in my heart and mind!
[this post was removed for a time per legal advice and so if you did not see it previously you will know why]