Tuesday, November 26, 2013

why it doesn't matter

After my blog post yesterday, someone said can you tell me why you say it doesn't matter?  Don't you think how someone attempted suicide matters, what contributed to the issues, what they might do from here, why they want to even consider suicide?  

I understand this is the common thought.  I also understand we are taught to ask questions.  To try to make sense of it all.  To inquiry as to why, even when there may not be an answer to the question, we still ask, "But why?".

I hope to share more that maybe will help people understand my perspective about this.  I don't expect you to agree.  I also don't expect you to necesarily share my perspective, I simply want to help open your eyes, your heart, your mind to another view point that might help you relate to people who are hurting, who are in predicaments they never thought they would find themselves in, who are facing things that on the surface you would never see.

Terry attempted suicide 05.02.2013 or 05.03.2013 depending on when he actually swallowed the pills.  Does it matter that that was the day before/day of my parents anniversary?  

Terry took over 200 pills.  Does the quantity of pills he took change any dynamics of his attempt at suicide?  If he had taken 100 or 50, would you think that was better?  

Terry was found unresponsive, approximately 22 hours later, no medication bottles around, in his clothes, drenched in urine, his cell phone in his pocket, having burned his skin due to the reaction of urine and the battery, a wound on his head from having fallen, a note left addressed to several people [which I have never seen as it was taken by the police as evidence].  

Do any of these details make you have more compassion?  Do they make you relate more to the situation?  Do they bring you more peace?  Do they make the situation easier to bear?  Do they comfort you?  Do they bring answers?

For me, they didn't.  They provided explanation as to more of the details relating to the attempt at suicide, facts, not feelings, confirming that it was for sure deliberate, but didn't provide any direct answers to help understand this guy who was hurting.  

I kept people informed about the situation with my brother via my blog posts during the month of May 2010, but most of these specific details aren't listed there.  I didn't share them with many people either in person.  No reason other than people can't handle these types of things, they shy away from the pain and hurt that comes from learning these details, they don't know how to comfort, they only want to know to be able to share the details.  People don't know what to say or say things they shouldn't.  Many times trying to be kind they say hurtful things.  However, if I had listed them/given you all the nitty gritty details upfront or had shared them with you in person, would it have changed your perspective of my brother?  My parents?  My sister?  Me?  Would it have increased your empathy or sympathy?  Would you have been more loving?  Or would you have actually been more condemning, more judgemental, more inquisitive, more concerned, more confused, more depressed, and maybe been less loving?  Would you have given my brother more grace or less grace?  Would you have been kinder to me or been more cruel?

Do you get my point?  The details don't really matter.  Other than doctors needed to know how many and what kind of pills he took in order to help him further.  Other than the police need to put the chronological order of events together for their consolidated report.  Other than those that are close to the situation want to know what happened as they try to piece the pieces of the puzzle together, but in the end, none of those details really and truly matter.  They don't solve the problem.  It still exists.  The person attempted suicide.  They wanted out.  They were done.  They are hurting.  They are still in need of Jesus love and healing.

Having faced this, I can tell you that no matter what people say, you go through the questions in your heart and mind, replaying the last conversation you had with that person, playing what if scenarios in your head, asking yourself maybe if I had said or done this, maybe if I had listened more, maybe if I had tried to reach out more, maybe if I had whatever, you fill in the blank, this wouldn't have happened.  It is hard to accept that deep down, we all can do more, but in all likelihood would not have changed anything.  One more hug, one more I Love You, one more talk on the phone, one more power chat session, one more prayer, one more sharing a verse, one more home cooked meal, one more positive thought or word of encouragement wouldn't have been the fix at all.

This takes time to feel, believe and accept.  It takes time to get comfortable with this truth.  

Nobody can do it for you.  Everyone can see it easier than you can.  Everyone can say just "trust God".  However, it requires your own faith and trust in God.  It is your journey and you must develop that relationship with God through these tough things, and believe me when I say, it truly is in these horrific moments that the relationship grows strong.  Yes, all of us can encourage, support and help carry the burden, but ultimately, nobody can do any of this for you.  You must exercise your method and process of working out these things in your heart and mind through prayer and seeking God.  He is truly the one of ALL comfort.

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