a weekend of relaxing...

I took this Holiday weekend off from work...all three days...no work, no business work. I did whatever I wanted to do.  If that was nothing, I did nothing.  If that was sleep, I slept.  I f that was reading, knitting, playing the piano, lounging by the pool or working on a project around the house, I did that!  It is hard for me to say No to Work, especially when I have lots to do and am not current with it.  But I said No.  I kept my promise to myself.  I did No Work All Weekend!  I did something each day, Friday - Monday, with Michelle.  I also got all the trim primed on the 3 new windows put in my office and the other trim around the windows replaced in my whole house 2 years ago done.  I still have the final coat to do, but one step has been accomplished!  I feel more rested...and ready to refocus the month of June on my business and come up with my new game plan.


What did you do this weekend?

What I Know for Sure by Ophra

We all are called...we all have a calling.  Your real job in life is to figure out what that is and get to business doing it!  Live from the heart of yourself.  What sparks the life in you?  Illuminate the world!  Each one of you has your own platform...where ever you are.  Let your life speak for you!  You will receive in direct portion to what you give.  We all have the same power.  Listen.  Help.  Forgive.  Everyone is called.  Embrace the life that is calling you!


 - Ophra

Quotes

Minds are like parachutes, they function only when open.   – Anonymous

Quotes

You do too much. Go and do nothing for a while. Nothing.  ― Lillian Hellman

verse to reflect on...

"If any of you wants to be my follower," he told them, "you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow me. If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will find true life."   Mark 8:34-35 (NLT)

offering assistance vs asking for help

Some of you know that Roseann M fell last Tuesday when she was painting her barn.  The ladder slipped out away from the wall and there was nothing she could do even though she was hoping she could ride it down or jump off or something.  No such luck.  She was on the concrete in nothing flat.  She had just begun to start the painting session that day and hadn't gotten very far.  She was painting up the second half of the wall, just above the barn doors heading up the 2nd story.  She ended up with injuries to her right eye and right knee and landed in the hospital for 3 days total while having emergency surgery on her knee.  Anyways...when I had heard of the accident, I wrote her an email and told her I was sorry, wanted to come see her in the hospital but that that was probably bad timing, and what could I do to help??? Well yesterday when I got to my car after meeting and checked my Droid Incredible for emails, I had an email from her.  She said that Steve was about exhausted with caring for her and could I please come help?  I quickly responded Absolutely...I was just leaving the meeting hall, would go get something to eat and be on my way...did she need any supplies or anything that I could pick up?  She needed stuff to make kombucha and I got that on my way.


When I got there we chatted for a little bit and then I did some chores (vacuumed, mopped and made kombucha - with her help as she sat at the bar and gave me instructions and she filled some of the bottles as I maneuvered around the kitchen)...but the reason for my post is this...I have had some thoughts about offering assistance vs asking for help after this event yesterday.


I typically, probably like some of you, feel that I am single and that is nobody else's problem that I have no man to help me and need to try to do things on my own and figure it out.  I know I am capable so I try to do it all.  Sometimes to the point of appearing like I am superwoman when I feel like anything but!  In reflecting, I think sometimes this attitude probably makes people not offer to help me.  I asked Roseann if she got lots of offers to help and she said she had.  She said "you know Misty, when I offer to help someone, I mean it, so I decided I would make a list of everyone that offered and I would take them up on it.  If someone says, oh I can't today, then I will try them another day.  If they make excuses, then I will know they really don't want to help and I will move on to the next person."  This short little conversation spoke volumes to me.  First, when I see a need, do I offer to help?  When I offer to help, do I mean it?  Do I have an attitude of giving, no matter the time of day, no matter the duty, no matter what is needed?  I believe I only offer when I can and think I always have that attitude, but it is a good reminder for your yes to be yes and your no to be no, so don't offer to help if you don't plan to follow thru.  It also was a good point to not let other people's lives get to you.  Ask for help, be willing to reach out and take the help from those who have offered and if they can't help you or don't want to help you when you ask, move on to the next person.  There is another willing and loving person there to give of themselves!  Roseann was in a point of need, much need, and she knew it, so asking for help came pretty easy because things are simply not going going to get done if she doesn't have some help.  But I know sometimes for me, it is hard to ask for help...but if I am in a point of "need" why?  It takes teamwork and all of us helping each other along the way to be successful, so why do we feel bad asking for help?  Why do we feel we are putting someone else out when in reality we are all supposed to be giving and helping???


Pray for Steve...he is having to do a lot that he is not used to doing and I am sure it is tough on him, just in a different way!  He fixed us an incredible meal last night though!!!


Share with me your thoughts on offering assistance vs asking for help...

Quotes

When you don't know what to do, do the thing in front of you.   - Elisabeth Elliott

verse to reflect on...

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Philippians 2:4 (NIV)

what is a Friend to you?

I have been doing some thinking on what a Friend is to me.  What is one to you?  I have posted on this topic before, here and here and here.  But the question still comes up in my mind.  I am always working on my friendship, thinking about what I like about them, what needs improvement and how I can be a better friend.  


Friendships take work.  Friendships take commitment.  Friendships take time.  Friendships take honesty.  Friendships are a give and take.  Friendships take communication.


Are you committed to your friends?  Are friends just family?  Just people that reach out to you?  Do you communicate in your friendships or assume the person knows?  or understands?  Are you willing to be honest?  


There are a few verses (KJV) that come to mind, I am sure there are many more:
...and my familiar friends have forgotten me.  Job 19:14
And the Lord turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends. Job 42:10
...and a whisperer separateth chief friends.  Proverbs 16:28
...but he that repeateth a matter sperarateth very friends. Proverbs 17:9
A friend loveth at all times.  Proverbs 17:17
A man that hath friends must show himself friendly.  Proverbs 18:24
Weath maketh many friends.  Proverbs 19:4
Faithful are the wounds of a friend. Proverbs 27:6
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.  Proverbs 27:17
Trust ye not in a friend.  Micah 7:5
Go home to they friends, and tell them how great things the Lord hath done for thee, and hath had compassion on thee.  Mark 5:19
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13
You are my friends if you do whatsoever I command you.  John 15:14
...and he was called the friend of God.  James 2:23
...whosoever shall be a friend of the world shall be an enemy of God.  James 4:4


I am going to contemplate on this some more, but am curious what a friend is to you.  If you are willing to share, comment below!

Quotes

Give yourself the gift of time. Love your dream and your adventure enough to allow it to grow slowly. 

- Jonathan Acuff

Quotes

Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.
-William Morris

Quotes

When we realize that we are the objects of God's love, we become confident that we win every fight of life. -Joseph Prince

my NASCAR Drive Experience

Today was the dream of a lifetime for the long anticipated BIG day for an experience to drive a real NASCAR vehicle that has been driven by a professional in professional races!  I bought this purchase off of Living Social back in December 2010 (normally $329.99 for the Drive Experience, which I got for almost 50% off!) for a 5 minute Drive Experience.  If you follow my blog, you know that I did the NASCAR Ride Experience on March 5th, 2011...(if you don't follow and want to read that first...click the above link).


Today was gorgeous weather, perfect for the event after having rain and clouds the last two days!  I was nervous and excited with anticipation as I drove to the Texas Motor Speedway early this morning to enjoy my Drive Experience.  I have always wanted to do this...my entire life, but to actually be about to do it, created emotions that are hard to explain!


I arrived at the Texas Motor Speedway, checked/signed in, completed the waiver (I had already done the medical questionnaire and waiver online), turned over my drivers license, got my suit, badge, pager (like you get at restaurants expect this one was rectangle and it hangs around your neck) and then I was off for class.  Evidently, I didn't get the complete paperwork from Living Social and so though I wasn't late, they like you there early, like an hour plus, so they had to "move me along" and we headed off to the classroom in short order.  No big deal they said...I am thinking okay cool!  The last thing I wanted to do was now miss out on my BIG experience.  Traffic of course getting there was a nightmare and I knew it would be so I had left extra early...Good Thing!  In the classroom, there were 3 other woman taking the course...at first I thought there was only one other gal, but there ended up being 3 of us!  I wish I could have been inside some of those guys heads when they saw me walk in the room, because their faces were intriguing to watch!  LOL!!!  You could see these expressions, she is gonna drive?  The class was VERY straight forward.  They explained the car and that it was a 4 speed race car driven by previous professionals, what the steps were to getting buckled in/out, steering wheel on/off, how the ear buds work in your ear to have communication with your instructor that will be guiding you the entire way around the track, when to shift at what RPMs, how long to stay on the apron, when to get on the straightaway, how fast you were allowed to go (150-160mph as a driver vs 170-180mph in the ride along vs 190mph plus as a professional), how to handle the turns, when to decrease your speed on the checkered flag and put it back in neutral, how to brake, consequences of not following your instructors instructions, etc.  They make it clear that if you do not follow the instructions of the instructor, they can and will remotely control your car!  If you screw up in any form, they will pull the checkered flag on you and you will bring your car back into the pit.  They also stressed to "trust the car".  I related to what he meant by that because of what I had experienced on the Ride Along Experience, but later fully understood just how much you need to trust the car, because it will do what it was designed to do!  Jessie, the class instructor, did a good job to cover every aspect and then open for Questions & Answers.  Class was now completed and we were ready for the track! 


We were now off to a final speech at the sidelines of the track...  

The Texas Motor Speedway Race Track

Sebastian gave us a few repeated instructions and made us the offer to upgrade if we wanted to (I didn't upgrade because I felt the experience I was going to get at my special price was enough for me), and then we were given the opportunity to hang out until our turn.  I stood by the gates and watched the drivers take off, how they handled the turns and flew down the straightaway.  We were told if you ask "When is my turn?" you will be moved to the end of the line, quickly.  When your pager goes off, you then get to head over to get your ear buds tested, a hair net covering piece (similar to the material made of the scrub shoes and hats in the hospital that you have to put on) and your helmet on, then you stand and wait in line.  My nerves were good until this point.  Seriously...some funny feelings started creeping in.  Some crazy feelings.  I started having thoughts like:  "I can't believe I finally am getting to do this!"......."I sure wish some of my girlfriends were with me (particularly Roni or Jenn)!"......."Will it be scarier than I think?"......my heartbeat increased.  Then I thought, "I am glad I am one of the last, I need the time to chill."  This might sound crazy, but I then prayed: "Lord, please help me with my nerves, I want to do good, enjoy this experience, the last thing I want to do is screw up!"  This helped!!!  Believe me.  Jessie walked by, evidently he saw my expression and said, "You okay?"  I said, "Why do you ask?"...he said "I have seen 'the look'!"...I said, "Yes, I have wanted to do this my entire life, but I am nervous!"  He asked "Do I need to be concerned?"...I said, "No, I don't think its like that."  He confirmed I would do fine.


Still waiting in line, 6 guys in front of me and waiting my turn...  

I'm nervous...excited...I have wanted to do this my ENTIRE life!

Both the two girls in the class were ahead of me and when they were done I asked each of them how it was.  The first girl was hispanic and her reply made me feel she regretted how fast it went and was over.  The second girl was black and her reply was it was awesome, you are going to love it!


Alas, it is my turn.  There was a guy for each of the 4 cars on the track to help each driver.  Evidently the guy that was helping me thought I was too short or something, so they got a seat and back cushion and added it to the bucket seat.  I asked him to take a picture of me by the car.  

It's officially my turn!

He did and then I climbed in; climbing in with right foot first, left foot second, right shoulder and down under.  He checked to make sure I could "reach" the pedals and operate them just fine.  I could.  He got me strapped in and evidently didn't like how close I was to the steering wheel (I am guessing on this because of his expression - by the way, you are incredibly close to the steering wheel anyways compared to a "normal" car), because he asked if I could go without the back cushion and I said whatever he thought I was fine with because I had never done this before.  He unbuckled me and removed it, then I got re-buckled.  When I say buckled, you have 5 straps on you to keep you locked in, similar to a kids car seat: strap between the legs, two over the lap, and buckles over both shoulders and arms.  He double checked that I could reach the pedals and then took a picture of me ready hit the track in the race car (my new profile picture on Facebook)!!!  :)  Then the fence guard that gets put up for your "window" was put up and I now "officially ready to go"...

me in my NASCAR ready to hit the track!

I only had to wait a few minutes before it was my turn.  The guy had me test the clutch and breaks one last time to make sure I could reach them adequately.  I asked him if the clutch was finicky (meaning real touchy), he said no.  Ladies and Gentlemen...then he started my engine!  


Within just a minute or two, my personal instructor was talking to me in my ear.  "Hey Misty, can you hear me?"..."Yes Sir!."  "Okay, place it in first, and lets roll, slowly go forward."  Well, I barely got to rolling and killed it.  The crowd of onlookers laughed.  I didn't have it in gear good enough, and it is nothing like the gear shift of my Honda Civic(s) that I have had...so it really was a simple thing, truly not funny, but it was okay.  I knew (even if the crowd or my instructor didn't) I knew how to drive a stick and wasn't going to let their laughing ruin my experience and I knew they didn't know what happened, it was probably just a bunch of guys that didn't think I could drive this car!  But that was okay, just you wait...yup, those were my thoughts!  just you wait!!!  


My instructor talked to me the first little bit non-stop. It in some ways was unnerving because you are trying to focus on getting thru pit lane, around the corner of the apron, the RPM gauge that is on the lower left, the fact that the speedometer is totally in a different position and more "in front" of you than you can used to on a typical vehicle, etc.  Your right hand is close to the red button that you have to push each time you need to communicate back with the instructor, on top of the fact that you are doing something you have NEVER done before!  Plus, remember, that you must pay very close attention to what the instructor is telling you because they are your eyes on the track to what is going on around you and behind you, all you really are doing is driving and focusing on what is in front of you.  He told me to change gears every 3000 RPMs.  I did.  As instructed in class, he told me to be in 4th gear by the 2nd turn.  I was.  He told me to stay on the apron until he gave me clearance to move over.  I did.  Now that I was on the out on the race track driving a race car "all on my own", it was a funny feeling...but at the same time it was an Absolutely Incredibly Awesome Experience!  I don't relate to RPMs vs MPH (I am sure there is some simple math conversion, but I know nothing of it) so I still don't know how fast I was going in the turns and I really didn't try to figure it out or focus on it. I was focused on staying the 5' away from the white line by the apron and 10' from the wall.  I feel I was so focused on the first lap, just trying to get a "feel" for the car and the track, so much so, that you really don't enjoy or even feel the experience because you are so into the mechanical aspect of what you are doing.  The instructor then told me that I could bring my speed up, so I did...I don't really know if it was as far as he said I could because I truly couldn't focus on the RPMs and drive, I brought it up to where I felt comfortable.  You are so into it, turn one, two, three and four all start becoming just another turn, so it is really hard to know how many laps you have gone or how many you have left to go.  Paying attention to my dashboard just wasn't going to happen.  There probably was some gauge on there telling me something...but I saw only the track and that was my focus!  They gauge you on how you are handling the car and allow you to go faster depending on various things.  I now was into this lap!  I simply wanted to have fun...really have fun...I wasn't out to break the record, though believe me, that would have been really fun!!!  The instructor would tell you when someone was fixing to pass you on your right (the Ride Along Car and other drivers on the track).  I got passed twice.  He would tell you little things, make comments, check in and see how you were doing.  It was more communication then I thought I would have and so it sort of took a little getting used to.


But let me tell you, the feeling was different this time then when I did the Ride Along Experience, for two reasons.  One, I had a basic understanding on how it would feel, a pull on your body as you head into the curve, the way the car totally handles the turn and doesn't flip and is totally smooth, you are in total control of the wheel, it has awesome traction, the impact as you pull out of the curve and gain speed to head down the side-away, the fast passed beating of your heart, the exhilarating fun that it feels!!!  I have never experienced anything like it.  Two, I was experiencing this experience now as the driver, which is the way I am in a car nearly 100% of the time!  I don't relate to the shotgun/passenger side of the car since I typically drive alone...so it made the experience more "real" and "live" to me in a different way then the ride along experience did.


My Drive Experience actually changed for me when I got passed by the Ride Along Car...it took the experience to a whole new level!  The Ride Along Car passed and was now right in front of me.  I loved it!!!  I now had something to gauge beyond just my vehicle out on the track (and four other drivers though I couldn't see them) and with that vehicle in front of me that I could try to keep up with someone...and my instructor was impressed..."Way to Go Misty!"......."You think you can get right up on his bumper? Go for it!"....well, I didn't really try to do that, but I tried to keep the pace we had between us and that I did!  I increased my speed and felt the car do what they said it would do when it reaches "the chip" and so I leveled off at that speed, whatever "that" was.  We had been instructed in class to shoot for 4995 RPMs.  Then it was the last lap and time to bring it in.  He told me at the next turn to take to the apron...well I thought that mean this turn so I did, a turn too soon and he was like, "No, not yet." ...so I got back on the track.  He said "Nice job".  I apologized and said "Sorry, I thought you meant now."  I cruised on the apron allowing the car to decrease its speed on its own, pumping my brakes as they told me to do, headed down the last turn into pit lane and pulled into Lane #1, my lane.  The last bit of communication between me and my instructor, he wasn't getting any of my replies.  I am not sure what happened, if I didn't hit the button hard enough or long enough, but it worried him...but I was fine.  It was a little bit disconcerting since I knew he was concerned, but I knew I was okay.


It was over, my 5 minutes went soooooOOOOOOOooooooo FAST, but it was an AWESOME experience!  I would say it was all that I thought it would be in a racing experience!


The assistant undid my window, buckles and helped me out of the car.  He asked me how it was and of course, I said "AWESOME!!!  I have wanted to do this forever!"  The second assistant took off my helmet.  I then went and got my picture made.  As I waited for my Driving Certificate and Picture, I reflected:  


My experience with the NASCAR Racing Experience was Incredible!!! I absolutely Loved every second of it!  Went WAAAYYYYYYYYYYY too fast (no pun intended)...


I got my paperwork...my official NASCAR Racing Experience Practice Certificate, my highest speed was clocked at 145.81mph!!!  Wow!  The gals at the service center said that that was pretty incredible for a FIRST Time Ever experience!!!  One of them didn't think that she could do that well.  She said that the highest someone usually gets is about 156mph.  :)  Not too bad for a 1st shot, huh?  The guys wanted to know what my husband/boyfriend was going to say about my speed.  It was funny, but I said "I don't have one, so nothing!"  :)  They laughed and Congratulated me.  It was really quite a funny thing...(you might not think so, but you would have had to have been there, they were waiting on my every word for a response).


I have since been asked questions about my experience:


"Were you scared?"  
Yes and no.  I was scared in the sense that I had never done this before and wasn't totally prepared for the feeling of being behind the wheel driving an official Race Car, but not so scared that I couldn't or wouldn't do it!  


"Was it what you thought it would be?"
Yes! Absolutely!!! and more so!


"Would you do it again?"
Yes, if I had a chance at 50% or more like I did this time, I would do it all over again.  It was absolutely worth it.


I stopped and ate lunch at my favorite sushi restaurant on the way home (after doing a pickup at my clients office) and showed her the pictures of my experience.  She said "Misty, I never would have dreamed that of you.  It doesn't fit the picture of you!"  Totally made me laugh.


I have always been a FAN of racing (even if I have never been to a race I have seen a few INDY500's on TV) and the idea of racing and going really fast was such a BLAST...a complete THRILL!  It was the best $33.80 a minute I have EVER spent!!!  :)  There is nothing like the NASCAR Racing Experience!!!  You will have to experience it yourself in order to understand...and relate...and enjoy!  Believe me when I say...it is AWESOME!  Just so you know, I hope God has a NASCAR Race Track in Heaven for me on Streets of Gold because I wanna RACE when I get to Heaven!  Oh and this is totally going to be an event that I scrapbook and add to My Life Story!  In the meantime, I will go have sweet dreams of 145.81mph!!!

Book Signing w/Jonathan Acuff

Misty & Jon Acuff

Jonathan Acuff works for Dave Ramsey and is a writer.  His latest book is called Quitter.  It is about closing the gap between your day job and your dream job.  I have ordered it and mine should be here any day!  He has a blog also.  I got to attend his book signing on today, and even though I don't have my copy yet for him to sign, they were doing a $500 drawing (I got there 15minutes after they did this) and I wanted to meet him since I have met so many of the other team (at EntreLeadership in Cancun Mexico - November 2009) and have been very inspired by their desire to put God in their Work! something that many Christians struggle at knowing where those boundaries apply.  Once I read the book, I will do the book review on my blog for those of you who might be interested (which I pretty much do with all the books I read).

Quotes

You're only as good as you let yourself be.  - Chris LoCurto

Piano Lessons

I am thinking of taking piano lessons.  Prompting came two ways:


~last Wednesday Night's experience at the piano accompaniment
~finding my Piano Teacher from California on Facebook and her sending me a message to encourage me to resume lessons


...soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...now I must see if I can locate a good teacher,  an expert;  then I must rearrange my schedule so I can practice;  I also must consult the budget;  but I am giving it serious thoughts.  :)

Quotes

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."

- Carlos Castaneda, author

a futile attempt at accompaniment

ac·com·pa·ni·ment

  [uh-kuhm-puh-ni-muhnt, uh-kuhmp-ni-]

–noun

1.

something incidental or added for ornament, symmetry, etc.

2.

Music . a part in a composition designed to serve asbackground and support for more important parts.

Wednesday Night Meeting was an experience...maybe one of a lifetime!  I am going to recount the event to you so you know how I felt...I am sure you have had such experiences in your life, even if it was a totally different outcome or a totally different scenario, you I hope will relate! 

Kelly N. was the song leader.  He asked for a piano player so we could begin song service.  He asked again.  And again.  And again.  I was like seriously, nobody is going to move?  Nobody moved.  He asked again.  I thought, I mean, I know I can play, but I have NEVER played for a Wednesday Night Meeting in my life!!!  Surely someone will get up.  If you aren't getting the picture, believe me, poor Kelly was uncomfortable.  He doesn't lead singing very often and I think he wanted to die right then and there and we hadn't even begun yet!  Nobody moved.  And so, he made some comment like you all surely don't want me to try to play and he asked again.  I think like 6 times, maybe it was 8 times...it was a lot of times that he asked!!!  I finally raised my hand and said: "If you promise to play songs I know, I will play."  He said: "I promise!"  

As I walked up to the piano in my very casual knit wear and flip flops (neither of which I would not have worn if I had known I was going to be in the spotlight), I am thinking...why did I do this? I can't play that well.  When was the last time I sat down and played the piano, for reals?  Have I even touched it since I played and sang a special last September Camp?  I sure hope I can do this!  This is scary!  My hands are shaking. I hardly can open the piano closure that hides the keys.  It gets stuck. I can't move it.  I forget about it though it is hiding half of the black keys...I ignore it.  I must get calm.  Yah, "be calm Misty, you can do this" I said to myself.  

The song that Kelly asks me to play is Trust & Obey. Very ordinary.  Very basic.  It was written in one flat.  But I stumbled.  I fumbled.  I lost it. I stopped.  I couldn't get my hands to move. They stuck on keys.  They hit other keys.  They wouldn't cooperate.  My heart was thumping in my head.  All I could hear was my heartbeat.  I didn't hear any other music.  I only saw notes that I couldn't play accurately.  What must it have sounded like?  Only the audience and congregation would tell you what it was like to try to sing to such an accompaniment, I can't, but know it must have been beyond awful.  There were 5 verses, but I didn't know which one we were on or how many times I had played the verse, so after 3 of them. I stopped.  The congregation went on.  I realized we weren't done.  Oh what a fool...why wasn't I counting???  Why did I offer to do this?  What made me think I was equipped?  Why hadn't someone else who truly can play offered?  Why hadn't I done a better job at my piano skills and been ready for a moment like this?  I was ready in other ways of life, why not for this?  I could stand up in a room of 50 strangers and speak giving a 30 second commercial on what I do for a living and how I can help your business, but play the piano in front of 150 or 200 or 250 people I knew???  (Thank goodness it wasn't Sunday Service of 400 people!!!)  That I obviously could not do!

So...Kelly gives me a break and reads a passage and then we progress to song number 2.  The Love of God.  I shake my head and tell Kelly N. "No, I can't play in 5 flats".  Theoretically, I can play this, but after a horrible job at a simple song, I WAS NOT trying this song written in 5 flats.  Yes, playing in 5 flats is very easy, much easier than 4, but that was simply NOT happening!!!  He then asks for Holy, Holy, Holy written in two sharps. I am nervous as soon as I see the page.  I wonder if I can do any better job than the first time...I don't really think I can, no, I know I can't.  I am nervous beyond your wildest imagination!  I can't play worth a flip!  So, alas, we are done with that song. I want the floor to swallow me with the piano bench too!  I simply want to die.  I feel like a pancake.  I can "see" all the girls staring at my back, making faces each time I screw up, knowing they are rolling their eyes at each other, snickering, wanting to outright Laugh Out Loud...yah...this is "what I see".  I want to not walk back to my seat but escape out the back door.  The one right there by the piano.  Nobody would really miss me...it would be okay...they could find someone else.  Kelly asks if I can play The Family of God.  I don't play choruses...never have and say no.  He was surprised, "not The Family of God?"  I shake my head "No".  Kelly was kind enough to get everyone to sing it acapella.  I didn't think to look if it was in the book, I just said "No".  I sat there till we were done, trying to sing, a lump in my throat, my heart still beating like mad, my fingers still cold, really cold, and my whole hands were shaking, you would have thought me ill...well, I was!  I was ill all.  Completely sick a the lousy job I performed.  My mom would be embarrassed.  My job is done, the job I didn't do very well at all...was over. Done.

People always say they are amazed at how much courage I have...but how can people say I have courage???  I didn't have courage!!! I was struggling...I couldn't make music work the way it was supposed to and all I wanted to do was cry.  That's what I did.  I walked back to the ladies room, found me a stall open, and sobbed.  I couldn't let anyone hear me, nobody could see my pain at what I just experienced, nobody knew the voices I heard in my head, the comments I knew would be said, the looks that I would get, but...but I had to let it out.  I couldn't possibly focus on the message that was to follow if I didn't cry.  Cry the grief I had no other way to express.  My nerves were shot.  I felt weak. I felt like a failure.  I felt a bunch of feelings. I have wanted to play the piano well all my life.  I have wanted lessons, true lessons, not the haphazard lessons I got from my mom who had 11 years of professional lessons and maybe a year of lessons from another wonderful teacher (wish I had been able to have TONS of lessons from her - I absolutely Loved her, her method, her music style, her personality).  I wished that I had time in my life to play my piano...like other girls get to do...the piano I finally have had for almost 3 years now after not having one for 10 years when I moved out from home.  But...

It was Adult Verse Night.  I found mine and read it. I knew it wasn't going to happen by memory tonight.  I read my verse. I sat down.  Nerves still shot.  Still shaking.

The message begins.  Ed K. did a good job on water baptism.  Then its comment time and Ferrell Y. complements me on my attempt to play for the congregation and admires that I kept going and that I did it.  Really?  What are people thinking?  Do they not know how humiliated I was???  If they only knew what I was feeling.  If they only knew that I don't have it all together.  If they only knew that I have always wanted to be a better piano player.  If they only knew that I have many times done a special number, even playing and singing together, but that is totally different.  Not the same!  But alas, they don't know.  They heard and saw what they saw, but they don't know.  They will never know.  Regardless, I can only strive to do better next time.  To take my experience and learn from it.  What would I learn? Make time to play the piano some each day so that when presented with the same need all over again, I can fulfill it with confidence.  But there was more to learn...

The next day I called my brother in California.  He was down.  He was discouraged.  He said he couldn't do it.  All he was was a failure.  He could  never succeed. A story came to mind.  My story.  A recent story.  The piano story.  I shared it.  I told him do you think I would of done better if I had told myself from the beginning that You can do this!  Have Faith!  Believe! (Yah, that song, one of my favorites "Through hard times and good").  Yes, I probably could have done a WAY better job if I simply had had more courage...more faith in myself...less fear...believed that I was capable no matter what someone else was "thinking" or "looking" or whatever.  I shared that I am not perfect but believe you can do better and pray that you will do better and don't tell yourself you can't because that is not true!

Was this the reason for the experience...to have a real life situation to share with my brother?  To encourage him?  Maybe.  Was it an experience to remind me that one of the things that I really want to do in life is play the piano?  Maybe.  Was it an experience to help me remember to think positive and have courage?  Maybe.  Regardless, I want to learn from it.  I want to do better next time.  I don't want anyone to cringe when I walk up to play the piano and say, "Oh No, its her again!"  I will create a plan so that next time...if there is a next time...the accompaniment will sing!

One Word

When you think of me, what is one word that you would use to describe me?

Quotes

Determination: Your end result will be in direct proportion to the intensity of your desire.  -Napoleon Hill