what I learned from #my500words challenge

I started a challenge by Jeff Goins, a writer and speaker I heard at The Platform Conference in November 2013.  This challenge started January 1st, 2014 and we were encouraged to write 500 words every day for 31 days.  Emails didn't count, only journaling, book writing or blog posts.

I did this challenge for 31 days.  The full month of January.  Here is what I learned:

• When you make a commitment to yourself to do something and do it, you will see results.
• What initially seems like as something that is really hard, if done in bite size chunks, this allows you to do it in an easy way.
• When you make yourself accountable by posting your results and achievement daily on Twitter, Facebook & Blog, you keep yourself on track to achieve what you committed to do.
• When you start seeing results you get inspired to do more.
• When you miss a day and can't do what you want to do because life happens, you can't let it stop you to return and pick up where you left off.
• You will surprise yourself at times at what you can do by just staying focused.

We all know these things.  They are simple and impact our world if we let them.

What challenge can you do for the month of February?

Day 31 Writing Goals

Day 31: Blog writing = 1,403 words. Book writing = 0 words. 
#my500words challenge with @JeffGoins #2014Goals

my story from LiveBIG Conference

This week, I have shared with you on the blog my notes from the LiveBIG Conference I attended in Salt Lake City (technically Sandy).  I have also shared with you many of the nuggets and takeaways and my personal story at this event. I have more...and over the next few weeks, I want to visit a few things and elaborate on them, but in posts that are not so lengthy so you are able to digest them more and maybe we can even have a dialogue about it.

I have gotten a few questions that some of you that are my blogging followers and readers might have had too and so I am going to list them and do my best to answer them:

• Why are you sharing your experience of LiveBIG on the blog?

Not everyone is going to have the ability to attend a LiveBIG Event like I did, even though I can tell you that if you did, you would not regret it.  Some of you may want to but life is not going to let you because you have families, work, or other activities that prevent you from going and doing what you want.  I have my own limitations that at times make me unable to do all the things I want to do and each of us have to decide what that is and how to work around it.  Some of you may not even want to attend, but you are curious about it.  Regardless, we are not able to learn all the things in life we want to learn and if something I share could encourage you or help you on your journey, this is my hearts desire.  

I want to grow.  I want to be different.  I want to be better.  I want to change.  I want to believe a new belief system.  I want to encourage.  I want to support.  I want to make a difference.  I want my life to have meaning.  I want to LiveBIG.  This means that I will share my journey with you.  Even if it is hard.  Even if it includes ugly parts of My Story that make you cry, that bring pain, that are difficult, I will still share.

• Don't you think by being this vulnerable on your blog is risky?

Life has risk.  If you always live in the boundaries of small and safe you will never experience more.  Being vulnerable isn't comfortable.  Being open about all your junk, crap, or s***, whichever term you want to use (each speaker at LiveBIG had their own word and used it) takes courage.  Your junk might be easy for me...my junk might be easy for you, but we both have walked in different shoes and had different journeys that have lead us down different paths.  We have had our own life experiences that have created meaning, definitions and beliefs that we live in.  In order for us to not continue in those same patterns, we have to be willing to be open to change.  In order to change, we have to be vulnerable.  

I have always lived with courage and I will continue to do so.  I am more determined than ever to use the tools I was shown at the LiveBIG Conference and rewrite my story, make my life what I want it to be, and live even bigger for My God!  The more you learn to love you for you, the more you will be comfortable with being vulnerable.  The only reason you hold back from being vulnerable is because you are hiding behind your shadow and can't embrace it.  Not everyone can.  I understand that.  But I also believe you can, if you want to.  I believe you will gain the strength to face your lies and replace them with truth when you look them in the eyes.  I have been told for years I share too much on my blog.  That will not stop me.  I believe by sharing our journey with each other we create power, show forth love and inspire others to have courage.

• What has made you decide to open up and share your story?

Last year was a big year in my journey as I faced an encounter with a client that made me see I needed help.  Through this experience I faced things I had never expected to face with memories, feelings, emotions and trauma that I thought had been resolved and was at peace with.  My delving into my past, it made me discover and learn that I had a story and that my story mattered.  When I worked through professional counseling to work past my fears in talking about my story, I realized that it needed to be taken to another level and that is where my purpose to write a book sharing my story came from.  I realized that I only could share my story when asked and I kept the details in an overview type setting, not the emotional, intense level it was experienced at.  For fear that if you knew the truth of my life what you would think of me?  For fear that the pain, challenges and ugly experiences I faced would cause you pain in your life.  For fear that when you learned the truth of my life, you would shove me out just like everyone else has done in my life.  I have tried to leave my story behind and press on running the race as God has called us to do, focus on just being different, asking God to give me the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know what I couldn't change as the serenity prayer states. I have lived with the purpose to be loving and generous despite how I have been treated and how I continue to be treated.  I have seen too many people be angry and take the things they have faced and become bitter, hurtful people.  I have tried to live this in every way possible in my entire life, but in reality, deep in my heart was pain that was shoved down that never was allowed to heal for fear of not being accepted, not being loved, not believed, not mattering, not worthy.  

God has been bringing people and situations in my life to help me work through my junk and rewrite my story.  The level of growth in my life in one year has been absolutely amazing!!!  I anticipate the results of Professional Counseling, my Life Plan Coaching and this LiveBIG Conference to create some incredible results in me this year.  I know that the stories of others that I have read and personally know of give me courage to continue on my courageous journey and I am praying that by sharing mine, it does the same for you.  

I want you to live with courage and learn to love deeper, to be inspired to be more than you are now, to LiveBIG!

Quotes

Be who you are and not who the world wants you to be. Not who you think you should be. Be your beautiful collage of humanity. Be you loud, proud, and brave.

You are a star shining in this world. Do not get tangled up in comparing your light and brightness to that of the other stars. We all shine. We all have light that the world needs. We all add brightness and beauty.

Be who you are. For who you are is worthy, beautiful, significant. Who you are is vital. Who you are is a story we all need written.

You are loved. You are necessary. You are radiant.

Shine in your way. In your style. 

Shine bright and true in this life you've been given.

~ Dele Olanubi

Who Am I?

I am a Courageous, Generous, Loving Woman of God.

Day 30 Writing Goals

Day 30: Blog writing = 3,029 words. Book writing = 0 words. 
#my500words challenge with @JeffGoins #2014Goals

my LiveBIG experience on Day 3

I woke up, having slept better than the last two nights, but with a heart that was heavy.  I loaded up Pandora and listened to one of my favorite stations of christian music.  

The first song was one that I needed to hear first to begin my day.  It is called Brand New Day by KJ-52. Certain parts of the lyrics just stood out to me, big time.

"I'm startin over in a brand new way...Shout it out, its a brand new day...your life is all I chase, cause in you I;m gonna put all my faith...some nights I lose my faith...wooah, oh, oh...shout it out, its a brand new day...no I'll never, ever, ever be the same.  I think about how much I've changed, it was hard times but I'm not the same...you deserve all...we can have life.  I'm startin over in a brand new way...I'm not where I want to be but I'm not where I used to be.  You got me singing its a brand new day, shout it out...I'll never, ever, ever be the same, No I'll never, ever, ever be the same, cause I'll never, ever, ever be the same."

I wasn't sure what my feeling of heaviness was coming from, but as I left the hotel, I prayed.  Prayed for God to be apart of my last day of LiveBIG to help me through the thoughts and feelings taking over my soul.  I went by Starbucks and got me a Vanilla Chai Tea Latte.  I also got 10 $5 gift cards.  I wanted to give a note and a gift card to 10 people who impacted my time.  I wanted them to have a cup of coffee or tea on me and remember me at a later date, when we couldn't sit and chat over coffee, we could at least remember each other.  I figured I would go at lunch and get note cards since I had none with me and write each of them a note.

Day 3 started with Gerald giving us the 5 Components to a Power Hour (you can read my notes on this if you missed it).

We did the exercise again, "The Greatness I see In You..."

I did this with Rob, Tony and Christion.

Tony was an incredible person to do this exercise with.  His eyes were intense, the feeling bold, the connection strong and unwavering, no fear to reveal what he was thinking, no doubt in my mind that he has a true love for people, an amazing guy married to an awesome lady.  

I will never forget what he told me.  Tony made a huge impact on my life.  I wish I could have written down exactly what he said, maybe even have been able to have recorded it. I would have loved to have done this!!!  He was amazing.

"I see a brightly shining candle, one that has been hidden in complete darkness for a very long time but that has still shined boldly.  I see a fire desiring to shine brighter.  I see a strong woman, with a love for others that feels her eyes, a beautiful smile that is engaging.  I see a heart desiring love, love that has been hidden, desiring to be fueled by the fire."

Anthony did a great job at helping us see that comfort zones are really not that comfortable, they simply are familiar.  Think about this.  It's true!

He explained how much of what we know in our belief system is in place fully by age 8.  That to me is a scary thought.  I have heard this before, and it is unnerving to think about.  

Another thing Anthony taught me to think about was that our brain is trained to answer the questions we ask it.  So we need to ask intelligent questions, questions that aren't crappy because crappy questions get crappy answers.  Disbelief triggers will continue to be validated if we continue to feed them.  He had examples on this too.

Gerald spent some time talking about how every story in my life is divine to orchestrate the things God has for me in my life.

He then asked if anyone had something they wanted to share about what they were learning with their belief system.

Having been listening to the nudging of the Spirit of God, I knew I needed to share.  I didn't expect this to be easy, but I knew the last 2 days I had not been living a Level 10.  Sure, everyone else thought I was courageous, everyone else thought I was amazing, but I knew I could do more, be more and live more.  I knew I had been holding back, not wanting this conference to be all about me, I had kept my influence small.  I hadn't shared all I could.  I hadn't gone to the deep end.  I stayed in my comfort zones that weren't so comfortable even then.  

I raised my hand.  Gerald accepted my application to share and asked me to stand.

I turned my back to Gerald who was up front and faced the crowd.  I let them know that it was Day 3 and though I had shared some the last 2 days, I felt I needed to share more today. I let them know that it would be another mascara alert.  Anotherwards, there would be tears and my face would be streaked.

I shared that the first day I came in utterly exhausted and emotionally drained from a 21 hour trip and 3 hours of sleep.  I shared that this was not how I wanted to be in my game, ready to learn, and felt frustrated.  I had expected this event to be a life changer for me in the few months that I had followed Gerald on Facebook.  I shared how that when Gerald asked me questions, I had fear what the audience and people were thinking about me and that I had a hard time forgetting about them and just getting into the moment.  I shared that I felt I wouldn't answer his questions the right way.  I shared how I wanted to move forward through my junk and be different.  I shared a key element in this was when Gerald asked me to give the gift my Mom gave me back to her since it was not serving me.  I explained how this was a different form of Letting GO than I had done before and how it truly was an incredible aspect to think about.  I shared how there was so much more to my story than I had shared and could share even now due to time constraints, but that I needed to share more. I shared how when Tony started to probe into my world that I brushed him off with the fact that we had talked about things the night before and he knew.  I said the real reason was because I couldn't talk about it.  I shared that I left the 2nd Day feeling like I was holding back and that I wasn't giving my all.  I shared that I faced 20 years of horrible abuse, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse from my parents, particularly my Mom. I shared that I was raped at age 17 and that I know this has impacted the reason I am single and don't have a man in my life.  I shared that my parents didn't believe me and that they no longer considered me the first born of the family.  I shared a few things I can't write here.  I shared that I felt that if I couldn't share with a room full of strangers, how in the world would I ever be able to finish my book that I was in the middle of writing to share My Story?  I shared that though I know in my head that I am good enough, I continue to struggle in my heart to feel it. I shared that the exercise of "The Greatness I see in You..." was tough for me, not because I have an issue looking people in the eye, I can do this well, I am not afraid of the truth, but to let you look deep into my soul?  This was hard.  To be able to look each of them in the eyes and see the compassion, the love, the care, the truth they saw in me was absolutely amazing!!!  I stated that what my belief system was trying to do each time someone shared their thoughts with me, to tear it down and make My Story real.  I shared how this was truly something I needed and I appreciated them beyond what I could ever say.  I shared that one of the biggest and greatest tools I learned was to look at the fruits and results I was getting in my life and trace them back to look at my triggers, to understand my triggers, to address the lies, to look at the things I had given definition to, the things I had created a meaning for, and think about the experiences.  I explained that I do this with my clients in business but had never thought about doing the reverse for my own personal life.  I stated LiveBIG was making a huge impact on my life and I was in the middle of rewriting My Story.

Everyone was clapping.  There were people crying.  There were people hugging me.  There were people loving me in spite of my pain.

Gerald asked everyone how they felt learning more of my story, did they feel more connected to me?  If so, to raise their hand.  Every hand went up.  He made me look around at all the hands.  He asked how many people felt more love for me knowing what I had faced in my life.  Every hand was still up.  He asked me to remember that.  He asked how many people had more compassion for me and love knowing more of what I have faced in my life.  Every hand went back up.  He then listed characteristics that described me that showed by the mere fact that I was willing to face my demons, address the lies, stand up in front of everyone, share my story along with what I was learning and provide more details, and be authentic how courageous, loving, beautiful, strong and amazing I truly was. 

I was sitting by Denise, she was hugging me as I sobbed.  Gerald told me to lean into her embrace and accept it.  Denise whispered in my ear to write down all the things Gerald said about me.  

She then took my notebook and wrote in it:

I am shifting NOW!  I am saying YES TO ME and to receiving LOVE! 

Later in the morning she wrote:

EVERYONE in our LiveBIG Team has been impacted for good by your contribution and will remember YOU, MISTY!! You're so beautiful and strong!

I wrote back:

Thank You Denise for being apart of my journey and sharing in my life!  I Love You...

and she wrote back:

I LOVE YOU, MISTY! :)

We broke for lunch and as I was getting up to head out, Deonne grabbed me and said, I knew there was a reason I loved you and connected with you.  She said she was raped at age 17 too.  Awwwhhhhhhh, now her note to me the day before meant even more. It had even more meaning.  Wow!!!

I couldn't even make it out of the conference room without 10 people asking me if I had lunch plans.  You think I am joking?  I am not.  By opening myself up and being more than vulnerable, I had more people want to connect with me, not less.  I had more people who wanted to know more of my story, not less.  I did my best to include them all and we went to Sweet Tomatoes again, all of us.  Deonne was behind me in line and I surprised her and treated her to lunch.  Made her eyes fill up with tears.  So fun!!!

We headed back to the conference and resumed.

Until one is committed, there is hesitancy to hold back.  This is so true.  Even in my own LiveBIG experience.  Until I was committed to share all, I held back.

Tony spent a lot of time discussing having a Well Being and what that looks like and why we struggle.  He made it very clear that you either choose to effectively reduce your stress or continue your addiction.  He discussed Adrenal Fatigue.  :(  Yes, a sore subject because of how it relates to my life.

We had to do an exercise in which we wrote our fear on an arrow.  I can't explain the exercise to you because we have been forbidden to do so as they don't want this ruined for others who would do the conference and know what to expect...but let me just tell you, that it was incredible.  As we sat in our circle of 8 people, one of the gals was having a hard time with signing the waiver.  She asked me how I could do this.  I said, we have spent a good 2 and a half days trusting what Gerald as he has shared how God has worked in his life, gave us tools for what God is doing in our lives, listening to his thoughts and input, letting him work with us to move past our beliefs and lies to rewrite our stories...I wasn't going to back out now.  I trusted him.  She couldn't do it and declined the waiver.  I watched some of the people on my team do this.  It was now my turn.  I was not able to.  I tried, for all I was worth, but couldn't.  I took a deep breath, tried harder.  I still couldn't do it.  I was determined to not let this win over me and tried a third time.  This time, nearly in tears.  I tried two more times.  I was now frustrated, standing there with extreme hesitation.  The very fear of not being good enough was in my face, here my team could do this, but I couldn't?  Tony came up behind me, put his arm across my shoulders, spoke loving, kind, gentle reaffirming remarks into my ear and encouraged me to move through it quickly.  I did it.  Why was it so hard?  I wasn't moving fast enough...but without the support of someone who had done it before, I thought I was giving it my all and it kept me from being able to achieve the results I wanted.  Amazing!

As the evening was winding down to a close, we had another round of "The Greatness I see In You...".  We did this with 5 or 6 different people, though there was a slight twist to it on a few of the connections we did. 

I am not sure I remember each person I did this with but I know I did with Chad, Nathanial, Sala, and Anthony...there were one or two others, but I can't right now remember their names.  {I will edit the blog post later if I remember them.}

The second to the last person, we didn't say anything, but just looked deep into their eyes, letting our eyes share what we were feeling.  Amazing.  I was with a girl named Sala.  She is a vibrant young lady full of life, who believed she was not beautiful.  Her eyes filled with tears and then they smiled and glowed.  Her love and friendship clearly spilling over.  I got my picture taken with her later that night and when I did so she asked me if she could share what she had been thinking. I said of course, she said you don't mind?  I said no.  And she did.  She made me cry.

The last person I was with was Anthony.  This round we were to say things about ourselves that in reality also described the other person because we were told, many times the person we are attracted to has a heart just like ours.  This to me was an amazing experience because Anthony clearly tried to make someones day, clearly tried to say words of encouragement, clearly connected with people...all the things that represent me and how I am at my core heart.

We then all gathered in one big circle.  We put our arms around each other and were instructed to look around the room at each person, our LiveBIG Team.  Gerald was in the center of the circle and shared some last few thoughts with us, encouraging us to stay connected and accountable to each other.  Tears were streaming down my face while I smiled looking at my LiveBIG Friends.  To see these people who had been complete strangers 3 days before now be so connected with my life was truly amazing.  He asked us who wanted to LiveBIG, I shouted out a wooohoooooo in my own way as I had done throughout the event, but with much more volume than I had previously.  Denise was near me and she said you sure have a big voice for a little body.  I knew I was going to take LiveBIG with me and I wanted to share that with my LiveBIG Tribe.  Gerald locked eyes with me at one point as he was circling around and sharing last minute nuggets with us, and said You Are Good Enough.   You are Beautiful.  You are Loved.  You are Amazing.  This was his final message to me to burn deep into my heart and mind to rewrite my internal belief system.  

Telling my LiveBIG Friends & Tribe bye was really hard.  I didn't get as many pictures of my time as I wish I had...(you should take pictures before the last day if you want to capture the event and not be wearing the same outfit with everyone) but the memories will forever be written on my heart.  The participation with my buddy, Brandee, the other LiveBIG Tribe, and my Coaches!!!  

Day 3 of LiveBIG was an incredible experience!!!  I encourage you to #LiveBIG...

Day 29 Writing Goals

Day 29: Blog writing = 3,371 words. Book writing = 0 words. 
#my500words challenge with @JeffGoins #2014Goals

my LiveBIG experience on Day 2

Day 2 of the LiveBIG Conference had a lot of stuff to think about.  I didn't get much sleep that night.  Woke up at 3am, my mind churning.  I did some blogging.  I prayed.  I did some more praying.  I did some reflecting.  I went through some memories.  I cried.

I finally got up and wrote out a prayer, texted it to my buddy and Gerald, and posted it on Facebook.  I had 3 of my close friends text me prayers back.


Father,  Thank You so much for Misty and for the friend she is to me and so many others.  Give her the strength and wisdom to endure this getaway and to find peace, confidence, and most of all to see more of You and Your Love.  Convict Misty's heart, give her direction daily of where You would have her go, not go, do and not do.  Remove any negative spirits of inadequacy, unworthiness, condemnation that others have placed on her, I am confident Lord, that most of us try too hard and you're asking us to rest in you...show us...lead us to that rest.  In light of the fact that Misty will not have the support of her adrenal meds please allow her health to hold up during this time so that she may glean in for and insight from this conference from you as she moves forward in her life drawing near to you and living in complete freedom.  Thank You again for such an amazing friend, please take care of her as I KNOW you will. Amen.



Papa, You're holding Misty today as you were yesterday, you know exactly what she's feeling and thinking.  I pray that you'll give her Your strength as she takes on the day, and I thank you for loving her enough to let hard things happen, to push and grow her.  I pray she'll feel Your arms around her this day as you stretch her heart and soul.  Always in Your Name.



Lord I lift Misty Gilbert and lay her at the foot of the cross. That fully surrendered to You, she can live the life you designed Her! Remind her Lord, about your kingdom that is love, Joy, peace, and well-being. In your sons name Amen!


Friends that will take the time to encourage you and pray for you are amazing!!!  They truly make me feel close to them quickly.

When I got to the conference I checked in on my buddy and learned she was in pain.  I spent some time trying to encourage her and listen.  Was the pain stemmed from the emotional work we did yesterday?  Maybe.  Was the pain from sleeping in a bed that wasn't her regular bed?  Maybe.  Was the pain due to a condition she had that had just flared up?  Maybe.  It didn't matter, she needed my love and support.

When the doors opened for the Day 2 Session, the team gave each of us a hug.  I told Anthony, so good to see you...and he whispered in my ear, you too lovely. I am better now that you are here!

Wow!!!  Anthony knew how to communicate a message straight to your soul.  He knew how to be loving.  Talk about melting your heart.  What a sweetie!!!  You couldn't help but connect with Anthony.  He reminded me of my Granpa Whiskers, my Dads Dad, who passed away in 1991.  Wish I had gotten my picture with him!

I took my seat, sitting on the same row as yesterday, 2nd row, right hand side.

Yesterday, if we spoke up, we said "My name is..." and where we were from (city & state).  Today, if we spoke up we said "My name is...", and the LiveBIG Tribe asked "Who Are You?"  And we repeated our affirmation of who we were that we created last night.  So I would have said, "My Name is Misty, I am a Courageous, Generous, Loving Woman."  They then said, "Yes You Are."  We were to reply, "Yes, Thank You, I know."

The first few times of doing this, it was truly uncomfortable.  I felt like I was bragging.  The more you did it, the more it felt like it was apart of you.  The more you did it, the more you believed it.  All these exercises truly were ways for them to teach us in a hands on skillful way to create and rewrite our own story.

Amazing!

Not too long into the morning session, we did the same exercise we did the day before with someone saying "The Greatness I see in You is...".  

I did this with Kristine, Tanner and Jeremy.

You would have thought I was more prepared for it this time after having done this yesterday, but I flat out wasn't.  This time I was even more hung up then the day before on trying to let what they said sink in.  This time I was more conscious of trying to fight my internal belief system about myself, trying to figure out what was truth vs lies, trying to understand how the words they were telling me could represent me.  

Since we believe 80% of what we tell ourselves and only 20% of what someone else tells us, this lesson was hard, very hard for me.  I found myself trying to discredit the things people were saying about me. I found myself not believing what they said was true and they were only saying and doing it because they had to participate in this exercise.  

But I also found myself creating a connection, a bond, and planting new seeds to create a new belief system.  I found myself being open to listening to what someone else saw in me.  I found myself realizing that they had the truth, I am the one that had lies.

I found that when I got lost at looking into their eyes and seeing them it gave me a feeling of love for them.  It brought me closer to wanting to know more about their life and to speak life into them.

The lesson from all this is that you will forget who you are.  Repeating it over and over, never with the same person, you are finding a way to remind yourself and emphasize the truth.  The thing to remember is that we should not get frustrated with ourselves when we forget.  The goal is to create ways to reprogram yourself so that you remember.  

Wow.  An impressive way to rewrite your story!  Truly meaningful.

Marci then took us to the next part which was where we all were sitting in our thinking at this point:  How do I move through this junk?  

She made it clear that none of us can be forced to move through our junk.  We have to choose to.  She stressed that everything exists out of fear or love...and shared examples of what she meant by that.

She asked an incredible question.  

"What if you learn to love everything you were taught to fear?"  

This is very powerful if you think about it.  Whatever you think or focus on you will experience.  The gift of feedback helps you figure out what is working or not working to create improvement.  You will either stop yourself or give into the emotion.  The goal is to catch yourself and move through it once you analyze what and why.  These are the tools you need to rewrite your story.

She spent a lot of time talking about how everything shows up in your inner self worth.  This was an amazing nugget to me.  We spend a lifetime trying to create a book cover but don't deal with addressing the internal material in the book.  We think its closed and won't be discovered or uncovered.  We think that the outer picture is more important than the inner picture.

We are wrong.

You can't hide when you look in the mirror and look yourself in the eyes.  And believe me, you can't hide when you look these other people in the eyes.  They see you, your heart and soul our conveyed, a message is being delivered to the outside world about the true you.  Others can see you more clearly than you see yourself.  Others can pinpoint your character because it shows, it can't be hid.

"You will never lose love if you love yourself!"

• I love Misty!
• I love and approve of myself just as I am now!
• I am perfect, whole, and complete just as I am now!

Tony then spent time talking about why we sabotage ourselves.  I never would have dreamed that this was something I did until he walked through some examples.  He had loads of examples.  He discussed the 4 patterns we use in this process and how if these patterns remain unexamined, they will run us, and how we need to examine without shame.

This thought struck me.  How can you do this?  I mean, when someone is trying everything in their power to put shame and guilt on you, how do you do this?

So when he asked if there were questions, I asked mine.  "You told us to examine without shame.  How do you examine without shame?"

They brought me the mic, just like yesterday and he asked me to stand.  

I knew what was coming now.   Yet, I also knew I was committed to living a level 10 and engaging in this process.  Awwwhhhhhhh, here it goes...

Tony stated, "By your question, it is obvious that you feel shame."  I nodded.  He said, "Is it true?"  I said, "That I feel this way?  Yes."  He said "No, that you should feel that way?"  I said, "No."  I know this theoretically in my brain, but in my heart, I question.  He dug deeper.  He asked more questions to find out why I felt this way.  I answered some of his questions providing more details of the childhood experiences I had, the things that hold me back, the things that have created my negative internal belief system; stating that even if I made straight A's, I never made my parents happy, it was never enough; even if I give all to my clients, above and beyond what is in my contract, they want more, it is never enough and I consequently feel like I am not good enough; even if I do everything is expected of me, it is never enough; even if I take care of myself and make enough money to support me, my Mom feels I am to independent and that I make too much money and I am not living as God wants me to live because I am not married; I feel if I take care of me I am being selfish; etc...one of the questions when he pressed further to get me to open up more and I passed it off with, "it relates to what I told you last night when we were talking."  He didn't probe more.  He left it.

I was grateful.  I couldn't go into that in front of all these people.

He then asked me to close my eyes.  He asked me to move forward and imagine myself without a feeling of shame.  He asked me to feel the opposite of what those feelings were creating in me.  He asked me what that looked like.  He asked me how it made me feel.  He saw my demeanor change and said, whatever you thought brought a smile to your face, that is what I am referring to.  He said, "You thought about sex didn't you?"  I believe Tony said it, not just because that is one of his favorite things and that he believes it is a great tool to be used in our lives that we don't give it enough credit (and yes, without you being there and hearing the reason this was part of the topic at the conference and to just hear me recount this through this context you probably aren't going to understand, and it is going to seem truly inappropriate) but I believe he also did it to lighten the moment.  However, this question sent my wall back up, immediately like a red alert.  Because the topic related to the very thing I didn't want to talk about...an incident that happened when I was 17.  If Tony knew what it made me do and feel, I don't believe he would have.  I felt myself stiffen.  I felt myself build a barrier and revert back to a belief and a feeling of more shame.  I caught myself and told myself to listen to Tony and try to glean what I could from what he was saying.  This is another one of those things that is the junk in my life that has created me to have my own internal belief system.  A belief system full of lies.

"Shame is I Am Bad.  I Am Not Worthy.  Change your story.  Write new stuff.  Change the focus.  Look at the truth.  Rewrite your story.  Create statements that change your automatic thoughts.  Put them on your mirror.  Put them on your review mirror.  Put them on your dashboard.  Rewrite them in your mind.  Refocus."

He asked me what those would be.  I listed:

• I am Courageous!
• I am Good Enough!
• I am Loved!
• I Matter!
• I am Worthy!
• I am Successful!

He said, did you say, "I am Beautiful?"  I said, "No, I didn't."  He went on talking and said again, "I am beautiful was one of your statements, right?"  I said "No, but if you want to use it for your example, that's fine."  He talked more and then said, "You are Beautiful."  Say it.  I struggled to say it.  It was at that moment I realized just how keen he was into the soul and belief system I had.  He then said, "If I am Beautiful wasn't one of your statements, it should be.  You are."

I am not stupid and you don't have to force a thought on me for me to get it. I heard Tony and the message he was getting to me.  At this point, I was crying.  

Again.

While I was standing up doing this exercise, Deonne, an attendee sitting two seat over, had grabbed my notebook/journal and wrote me a note sharing a resource for dealing with shame.  I did not see her do this, I only saw a note written to me when I sat back down.  {This will mean more later when I share stuff on Day 3.}

Gerald took over now and told us that your mind is fighting to make your story true.

Wow.  Didn't I just do this in the example with Tony?

The next several exercises were effective in me getting to see things about myself.  We were told to write until we were told to stop, though we were told that this might not be an exhaustive list, it would get us started and to continue the exercise later.  And to repeat it as often as necessary to figure this junk out.


Exercise:  What top 2 or 3 things you want?

1. I want to achieve work life balance while I still have a passion to do what I love in the midst of my love to work.
2. I want to believe I am Good Enough, Beautiful, Loved, Cherrished, Create a New Story, etc.
3. I want to be an encourager, generous, and loving to a greater degree and deeper level.

Exercise:  What are the reasons I can't have this?

• I don't believe I deserve work life balance.
• I don't believe I can be successful because of being told I would never be.
• I always received abuse and feel I must abuse myself because I am not worthy.
• I don't believe I am worthy of love.
• I don't want to be my Mom.
• I have fear that I can't ever be good enough.
• I don't believe a man will love me.
• I don't believe my story matters.
• I don't believe anyone will believe my story because my parents didn't.
• I don't believe I am understood.
• I don't want to give up.
• I don't know how to achieve work life balance.
• I believe being a workaholic is self sacrifice.

Exercise:  What is the truth?

• I am successful.
• I am loved.
• I am good enough.
• I am courageous.  Beautiful.  Amazing.
• I am not like my Mom.
• I am able to create work life balance.
• I am determined to be different.
• I know My Story matters.
• I will resolve my childhood abuse issues.
• I will live big.  Live my dreams.
• I will be more of a dreamer.
• I will create time for me.
• I will love myself.
• I will believe the truth.
• I will rewrite My Story.

"Challenge every thought and ask, is that true?  Really true?"

Somewhere in the midst of all this, it was a lunch break.  I went to lunch with a lady named Tonya (she was on crutches due to an injury) and her daughter Brittney, who wanted to talk to me more.  They had brought their lunch to the conference and I suggested I go get food and I come back and meet them in the lobby.  They didn't want to do this, they wanted to go with me.  So the rode with me and we went to Sweet Tomatoes.  The situation with Tonya reminded me of something my Mom would do, and it was plain awkward because we (or I) carried in their rolling ice chest tote of food.  Brittney didn't want to eat what her Mom had brought and complained about having to do so.  I told her I was treating her to lunch and to not worry about it.  Tonya wanted to hear more of my story and this is why we had made plans to meet up for lunch.  We had a good time sharing and relating thoughts with each other.  We headed back to the conference before we would be late.  

Tony spent time talking about self acceptance.

Marci had us do some upper body exercises with bands.  She kicked our butt.

In anything in life, if you want to be good at it, you have to study the skills.  In our society we spend time studying a skill for our career, but we don't take the time to do this in other things, especially the things relating to our hearts and minds.  Why do we not truly study the skills of relationships and communication?  We need to.

Throughout the day, I had various people make comments to me about how courageous they felt I was to share.  They asked to know more about My Story.  They shared thoughts.  They encouraged me.  They were loving.  They were kind.  They were friendly.  It was amazing!!!  

These are the people who I became close friends with.  These are the people who impacted my world.  These are the people who taught me lessons.  These are the people who are helping me to change my belief system.  These are the people who are helping me to rewrite my story.

At our 90 minute dinner break, I went with my buddy and 3 other lady friends (Melanie, Michelle and Bethany) and Misty & Jay to a Sushi & Hibachi place.  It was a great time of being able to share in each others lives and learn more from each other.  We had to rush to eat as the restaurant took their time at getting our food prepared.  The sushi was absolutely delicious!!!  

In a conversation with Kent, one of the attendees that evening before I left, he told me:  

I want to share something with you.  You are chosen!  You are beautiful.  Believe it.

I listened.  I heard him.  Do I feel chosen?  Beautiful?  Do I believe it?  No.  But I am a courageous, generous, loving woman who is learning to rewrite her story!

Day 2 of LiveBIG was an incredible experience!!!  I encourage you to #LiveBIG...

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Day 28 Writing Goals

Day 28: Blog writing = 3,201 words. Book writing = 0 words. 
#my500words challenge with @JeffGoins #2014Goals

my LiveBIG Experience on Day 1

I shared with you my frame of mind and how fatigued I was at my arrival to the LiveBIG Conference in Sandy, Utah in this post.  I am not sure that this post truly conveys how emotionally down and physically drained I was.  I was thoroughly exhausted.  Completely.

I arrived at the conference and got my name badge.  I hung back against the wall, waiting for the event to begin. I was quiet, reflecting on how the trip had gone so far, I was praying "Dear God, please be with me today, I need you now, running the lyrics to that theme song sung by Plumb in my mind, hoping desperately for relief, trying to calm the anxiety I felt in anticipation of the time that I thoroughly expected to be life changing for me."

When the doors to the conference room opened, the music that was playing was the song with the lyrics:  This is your life, are you who you want to be?  Each of the LiveBIG Crew were at the door to give us a high five.  Gerald Rogers was standing back against the wall, watching us come in.  We began shortly after we got seated.  

Gerald explained the general idea of the conference and what we could anticipate getting out of it.  Our first exercise was for us to define:  What does it mean to LiveBIG?  What do you want to experience?  What are you willing to do to make that happen?  Are you willing to let go of what's limiting you?

Here is what I wrote:  

I want to live big with working through my childhood to share my story to inspire others through love and courage.  I want to feel that I am good enough. I want to find my passion and live it out as I do in my core beliefs of generosity and friendships.

We then had to connect with like partners (girls with girls & guys with guys), Partner A and Partner B.  We all had to get up and go find someone.  The first day, everyone pretty much connected with someone sitting near them.  Gerald would walk us through who went first and we would begin by grabbing each others hands, looking in to their eyes and say:  "The Greatness I see in You..." until we were told to stop.  In this session, I connected with Mary, Michelle, Bonnie and Nancy.  

This was an amazing experience!!!  To connect with someone and stand about a foot away from them, look into their eyes, deeply, and tell them what you saw about them, was incredible. I wrote down a few things I was told from these four people about the greatness that they saw in me:

You are a connector.  

You are more than you give yourself credit for.  

You are very passionate.  

You have energy.  

You are very engaging.  

You are dynamic.

You are already doing great things but you doubt yourself.

I was blown away!!!  How could these people know these things about me?  Simply by looking into my eyes?  It was an amazing experience.  Lots of us were crying.  You couldn't help it.  The way someone saw deep into your soul was truly something that was hard to put into words.  This experience was felt by the majority of all people.

They then introduced the LiveBIG Team. Each of them shared why they were apart of the event and what they wanted us to get out of it.  Phenomenal!!!  

The core message was: 

"You get to be who you are, truly are, by forgetting about who you were told you were...and experience full love and greatness."

Tony Litster explained the rules to us and made sure that we all were willing to play a Level 10 and commit at 100% and actively engage as participants.  

Gerald then took over and started into the message of the conference.  After sharing some things on commitment, integrity, results, and trust he asked:  

"Why do we have difficulty in saying No?"

He was hitting on a sore subject of mine and I had answers at the tip of my tongue, but I waited.  The room was silent.  So I launched in and answered the question.  Gerald told us to engage, so here I go!  

"Because we are afraid that if we don't say no we will be a failure, we won't be good enough, we won't meet someones expectations."

Awwwhhhhhh. He paused and looked at me and then asked me another question, to which I answered.  He then asked me to stand up, and I did so.  One of the team got me a mic and he asked me even more questions.  After I answered those, he asked if I was willing to open up and work through this process on my beliefs.  I nodded and said "Yes", inside I wanted to say "Hell Yes, this is why I came!"    He asked me to close my eyes.  I did.  

He then asked me some questions, probing a bit deeper each time.  He was calm.  Gentle. Patient.  But firm when he went to the next question, building on each question as a stepping stone to the next.  If I didn't thoroughly answer the question, he would probe in a different way, forcing me to answer.  The questions he asked, delved into my personal life, and not just on the surface.  He asked me to remember the very first instance when I felt I wasn't good enough and to share it.  As much as I could.  That's tough.  I have so many memories of feeling that way.  The first one?  I shared what came to mind, being a young child in elementary school 1st or 2nd grade and for whatever reason my sister and I left the house late for school.  Mom told us not to run as if we did we would lose our milk money and she would spank us.  She also said that if we were late to school she would spank us for that too.  It was a no win situation, as usual, it always was.  Either way I was in trouble.  We knew we could not risk being late to school or the consequences of having a teacher mad at us all day wouldn't work. We also knew the crossing guard did not stay at the corner late.  We knew we had to run.  The inevitable is exactly what happened.  We lost our milk money.  We had to call her and she came up to the school and spanked both of us in the bathroom, with the famous telephone cord because it made the least amount of noise and stung like hell.

I was really crying now.  My eyes were still closed.  I was here by being a participant, giving more than I anticipated from the very start of the event and yet My Story was the object lesson being used in the teaching for all of us.  It was hard to forget that I was in a room full of people whom I didn't know, and to just pretend I was alone, working through these questions being asked of me by Gerald as he asked me to do.  You then heard sniffles from people.  You heard crying.  You heard noses being blowed.  This didn't make it easier on me.  I wasn't there to make people cry.  It was hard to concentrate and answer his questions without just sobbing over the feelings this brought back to me and the flood of memories.  Would it always be like this?  It was hard to know what was the right answer to some of his questions.  It was hard to engage and keep my eyes closed when I wanted to be taking notes to reflect on the questions he was asking me for later, for other memories.  He asked me questions, some which I couldn't answer except in a vague way, but I did the best I could without feeling like I was consuming the entire opportunity.  For example, I stated that I faced some significant trauma at age 17 as we moved through further years.  I didn't elaborate.  I couldn't say more.  Fortunately, he didn't probe deeper that time.

He asked me to see yourself as you wish your Mom saw you.  Imagine and gather all the hurts and pains in your arms and give them back to your Mom.  Let GO.  Realize your Mom couldn't love you beyond what she gave you. Be empowered to believe you are good enough.  You are loved.  You no longer have to live to be approved of, accepted, strive to be loved.  You are accepted and loved.  {These are the nuggets I wrote down the best I could from memory.}

Some of this process I had already done with Professional Counseling and with my Life Plan Coaching last year, but some of this was from a different angle, much deeper.

So much for wearing waterproof mascara. I had it all over my cheeks.  My friend Jay told me later that I looked like the KISS Band, of course, not having TV and knowing actors, singers and stuff I had to tell him I didn't know who that was.  He actually thought it was cool that I didn't.  My buddy, Brandee, pulled them up on her phone and I then understood why he said that.  They had white mask faces with lots of black outlining.  I am a deeply pale white chic and with the streaky mascara, I am sure I looked like that group.

I sat down, wiping my face, blowing my nose, not looking at anyone, trying to gain composure when he asked me to come up front.  My face still streaked with tears, he turned me around to face the audience, he was now standing behind me, he took my arms and had me lift them up so they were even with my shoulders outwards like I was getting ready to jump out of a plane.  He told me to look everyone of my LiveBIG Tribe sitting in the audience, in the eyes and receive their love.  He told me to not hold back.  To accept it.  He said he knew it would be hard, but to realize that I have great courage, that I am strong, that I am loved.  I was still crying but by looking at people who truly had empathy for you, whose eyes conveyed their feelings, they were proud of me, they were clapping, I couldn't help but smile.  He told me to not lose my smile, it was a beautiful smile that showed life and love.  He shared some more thoughts with me standing there with everyone, then gave me a hug and I sat down.

If I wasn't emotionally spent before this, I was now!!!

The nuggets that I got out of this exercise were:

1. Release all the hurt, pain, being a failure, disapproved of, striving to be good enough back to my Mom.
2. Accept that these things have shaped me and created me who I am today.
3. Believe I AM GOOD ENOUGH!
4. I no longer have to live to be approved of, to be accepted to strive to be loved.  I am!!!
5. Open your arms and be empowered.

We wrapped up the morning session with the challenge to ask someone over lunch what it means to LiveBIG.  We were told if we did a video of it we would get bonus points.  

I immediately heard, "If I don't get a video I am not good enough."  This was a perfect example of how I live this out, every single day.  The belief system that is conjured up inside my core being.

I was so emotionally spent that all I did was head back to my hotel and flop on my bed.  I should have gotten food, but I couldn't.  I didn't want to eat.  I wanted to sleep, but there was not enough time to sleep.  

When we got back from our lunch break, we went through discussing qualities of a buddy, picking a buddy and then getting to know our buddy.  Things like this:

My name is...
Some things you should know about my family are...
My business is...
Some things I do for fun are...
Some things I really hate to do...
If I could travel anywhere...
If I had a free weekend I would...
What it means to me to live big...
An area in my life I struggle with...
The reasons....
The greatest fear...
The way you can support me...
Because I am committed to getting the most out of...
etc... {I wrote them down as quickly as I could but I know I am missing a ton of them}

My buddy was Brandee.  She and I shared lots of things in common with our childhood and we connected quickly.

In the exercise when we did to make a list of what are My Stories from Life, People, Relationships, etc - this is what I wrote:

• I'm not good enough.
• I don't deserve to be treated differently.
• I can't say No.
• I don't want to be just like my Mom.
• I don't believe I am awesome.
• I can't take care of me or I am selfish.
• I feel I will always be a failure.
• I feel I have to be perfect.
• I believe its okay for me to be abused and I should just take it and I probably just deserve it.
• I don't deserve a man.
• I feel I always have to prove myself.
• I feel you will never accept me.

This exercise helped to learn to become conscious of your words, your feelings, your thoughts, your actions.  Why do I feel what I am feeling?  What will that give me?  What do I want?  Is it true?  What is the action to create what I want?

In the exercise we did to make a list of what is not working in your life - this is what I wrote:

• work life balance
• taking care of me
• figuring out what my passion is
• living out I Am Good Enough

Bri Litster talked about abuse and trauma, she even shared some of her own personal story.  She reviewed just how emotions are tied to our trauma, how emotions are supposed to teach us, how we need to be willing to go through the pain to get to the joy.  The steps required for us to do this are: 

• Stop.
• Feel it.  
• Listen.
• Release it. 
• Make a choice. 
• Let it GO.  

I learned in Day 1 of LiveBIG that I need to look at My Story and ask, is it possible?  does it serve you?  is it an impossible game?  I have a choice to believe the truth or lies.  I can't avoid the negative experiences or trauma I have faced, they are real.  {Unfortunately, I know this, even though I have wished it was a dream, I am aware that I have truly experienced this.} Stuff that happened to me in the past will continue to show up.  {Darn, I was hoping that it would go away!}  If we do not examine it, we will self sabotage.  {I didn't realize I do this, but I learned I do this too!}  The goal is to learn how to process it. {Yes, this is why I am here...to learn how to process my junk.}

At one point during a break, I connected with another gal that had my same name, spelled exactly the same way...we became friends quickly.  She was amazed that I wasn't married.  She was amazed that I didn't have a boyfriend.  She was amazed and wanted to know more.  I told her we would talk later.  And we got several small chats in.

Tony took us through an exercise where we were to go to a safe place and explore our beliefs.  In this we learned that our beliefs are our shadow.  Face the shadows.  They are always with us. The shadow is you.  Bring the shadow out to the light.  When the shadow makes noise its because the wounds are unresolved.  Welcome your shadow as a guest.  Don't carry the old stuff anymore.  

Who are you?  Change your story.  Develop a vision.  Reinforce it until it becomes who you are.

We got a dinner break and I went and got a Chipotle bowl.  I forced myself to eat almost half of it, but my stomach hurt.  I was nauseated.  I was emotionally drained from the day and it wasn't over yet.  My heart wanted to head out early and crawl in bed.  But my mind said I needed to stay committed to the conference and learn all I could.

We then did a Soul Script Personality Test to learn more about who we are.  I love personality tests and I learned some different things through this version...some from doing it as a group.

The last exercise we did in the evening was to lay on the floor on our backs, the lights were very dimmed, music was yoga type, to get us into meditation mode.  The exercise was to help us find who we are.  Who are you?  We were to come up with 3 words that described us to the core.  Once we obtained those three words, we were to state:  I am those three words man/woman and keep repeating it over and over and over, getting stronger and louder as we did so.  My three words were courageous, generous, loving...so I am a courageous, generous, loving woman.  The staff would come get us and lead us to the center when they felt we had achieved the results where we should be with the affirmation statement of who we were.  They had us place one hand on one person's shoulder and the other hand on another persons shoulder all the while leaving our eyes closed and continuing to chant.  It was an incredible experience.  

I took away from this that we need to know who we are even when the outside noise becomes so loud that it is hard to still remember and know.  You have to be strong and know who you are.  Because you will reflect who you belief you are in your inner self.

Before I left for the day, I had a conversation with Tony.  We discussed how you improve without feeling the need to prove.  He shared with me how he feels those are two different things and should never be confused as being related.  You always want to improve because without growth, you won't bear fruit, you won't be productive, you won't change.  I also had a conversation with Gerald in which he shared how grateful he was that I came all the way from Texas, was open and willing to sharing with the group, and that I truly am amazing.

Did I feel amazing?  Of course not.  But I am a courageous, generous, loving woman who is learning to rewrite her story!

Day 1 of LiveBIG was an incredible experience!!!  I encourage you to #LiveBIG...