In my journey the last few weeks, I am digging in deep into my core beliefs. I am looking hard at triggers to find the reasons behind them. I am serious about growing me. I am facing fears that I have covered up with a shell of bravery. I am sharing my story.
As one of my friends has said about me, Misty, you don't do anything in small fashion and I don't see you doing this in that way either. She is right.
I am sure balance will come, but for now, the experiences are flooding me daily as I move to address some challenges in life.
I will share an experience I had this week with you.
As I work with my clients, many times I engage with their vendors and suppliers. I negotiate contracts, I have strategic meetings, I gather information, and am the mediator on issues. As I do this, I have developed some really cool relationships. Some relationships are harder than others to develop and some don't last. Either way, it is always my goal to create an experience that leaves them with more than they ever dreamed possible from working with me.
This weeks experience involved an insurance agent for one of my clients. He comes across arrogant, can be sarcastic and demeaning. I have never given him credit for these actions or played into them. I have been me. Firm, fair, consistent. Honest. Factual. Persistent in my needs and keeping to what I say does or doesn't work for my client. You won't push me around. I might be a girl, but I am strong.
In doing this, I have earned his respect.
Well at Christmas, he came to the office and brought ginger snap cookies. I hardly ever eat sugar, but these flat little cookies from World Market are delicious! He didn't know they were one of my favorites, but they are.
When he left, the girls in the office said that they thought he was sweet on me. In the 12 years the previous Practice Administrator worked for the clinic, he never brought goodies they said. This is the first time in the 3 Christmas Seasons I have worked with this client that he brought something. I said, I am sure he just appreciates the work I do and is thankful for the client. They said, "No Misty, don't be blind. He is sweet on you."
After seeing me that day, he wrote me an email:
Let me know how your schedule looks after Christmas so I can take you to lunch. Have a very Merry Christmas! BTW, you looked “Mahvalous” today. You may be too young to know that saying, but thought it fitting to say………
That was difficult for me. To have a guy notice. To have one say that I was beautiful. What am I to do with a 60 year old man showing me interest? I responded and let him know that I am older than I look but that I understood that word. I let him know I was busy with year end stuff and conferences the next few weeks. I did nothing to set an appointment.
This week, he showed up for no reason at the office, other than he was in the area coaching a soccer game, and came by to say hi. I was annoyed but tried to keep conversation normal. Why did I have to deal with this? He said that I could come watch him in his shorts if I wanted.
Wow. No hinting around now! I felt sick. Really sick. How was I to be professional and give him a response? I told him that I was working and I hoped he had a great game.
As he went to leave, he noticed my left hand and the ring. This is when my heart soared and I silently sang praises to my God!!! Yes!!!!!!! This is why I wear this. This is why I am married to my God. This is why. Because of guys like you. This is why I struggle at wanting any guy in my life is because of guys like you. I thought he was going to ask me for a hug or just take one, but he only put his hand on my left upper arm and squeezed it tight. I cringed.
How do you be polite yet set boundaries? How do you tell someone you are feeling uncomfortable with their advances and not make them feel you are stating something flat out in the open, when in all likelihood they are acting like they are just hinting around and being playful, and yet if you called them flat out on it they would accuse you of reading into things and that they were just being nice?
Friday, I got a text from a number not in my phone: "Happy Valentine's Day! Don't know if u have a valentine but here's wishing u a good day, anyway!"
Fishing. That's what he was doing. I froze. I was angry. I was frustrated. How dare you be so bold!
Hours later, I responded: "Thanks! Have fun taking your wife out or whatever you do. Didn't have this number in my phone. :) you must have 2 cell phones? LOL I updated your contact so I have both. Enjoy your day!"
He responded that he would be taking his wife out on Saturday night. That's how it is after 35 years of marriage!
Ugh. I was right. He is married. If it wasn't bad enough already, that makes it even worse!
When I answered the door today and had a local company delivering a fruit basket to me, my first thought was that I was getting a gift from my new admirer. I didn't want this. I truly didn't.
Thankfully, it was from a client, one that I have worked a bunch of hours on and they wanted me to know I was very much appreciated.
I have decided to show up and face my fears. I have decided to work on me. I have decided to face my struggles and look at my triggers. Because I am owning them, life is sending me some really hard stuff. Because I am not holding back, they are coming at me full force. These things are only making working through my junk hard, really hard. I truly know and believe that God is bringing this stuff into my life to help me grow. For me to figure out the lies and what is truth. This is all how the growth is going to happen. This is the only way I am going to plant new seeds.
It's time for me to believe I am beautiful. It is time for me to be able to accept being hit on and being told I am a special lady. But yet not be afraid to have my boundaries. To listen to my gut and be okay with being sick to my stomach by a married man hitting on me. It is okay for me to not want this kind of attention. It is okay for me to want to run. It is truly okay.
I share this because I am sharing with you my struggles with my guy concepts. I am going to work through them if it kills me. I am learning lessons, some hard lessons. I am grateful for all those in my life who help me work through my junk, particularly my Buddy and LiveBIG girlfriends!
Don't be afraid to work through yours. Yours will look different than mine, but its junk that has got to be sorted through and when you can, just throw it out. Don't recycle it.