Quotes

To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.

- Tony Dorsett, American Football Player

you are my bucket list

Quotes

A relationship‬ doesn't need any promises, terms and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people: one who can trust‬ and one who can understand.

Dating Questions: How do you not become too attached?

In the world of dating, the challenge is to be open to a relationship, share, engage, connect, encourage, support, and seek to understand.  However, not everyone approaches this with that aspect in mind.  But if they do, your friendship will blossom.  As it blossoms...you then experience a new kind of problem.  

How do you do this and not become too attached?  

How do you give of yourself and leave expecting nothing in return?  

How do you enjoy the relationship and want to spend time together, want to communicate you are interested in getting to know them more, and yet give space?  

I believe learning to do this is the art of a relationship that will last...but figuring out the balance is the tough part.  The balance of not becoming too attached.

I like this quote:

Detachment is not that you should own nothing. But that nothing should own you.                                                  - Ali ibn abi Talib

I don't believe a Man should own you.  You need to have energy for yourself to be able to give to the relationship.  If you are too deeply attached, you won't be able to be your own person.

How did you do this when you were dating?  Or if you are dating, how do you do this?  What things do you believe are key components to building a great relationship?

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Quotes

Dating Questions: How do you determine if you wanna connect?

Some of my friends have never done the dating thing as I am doing...and they are curious.  How does this Online Dating thing work?  I have been asked, how do you figure this out?  So I will share what I do.  Again, this is what I do.  Doesn't make it right.  Doesn't make it wrong.  It's the method of how I am doing it.  

I am on an app called Tinder (it's free).  In your profile you setup your settings:  You are a Male or Female looking for a Male or Female, age span of interest, and how many miles away.  From there, the app does a search through your GPS based on your location and your settings.  You swipe left for nope and right for yes to any guy that you review that comes up in the search.  The way it works, you both have had to have swiped right for a yes for you to have a "Match".  Once you have matched, you can chat in the app until you wish to share additional information to communicate outside of it.    

I am on Christian Mingle and bought a 6 month membership, because it was the cheapest.  You can send smiles, emails  and ecards to anyone through the site.  It doesn't release your name, phone number, or email address, this is up to you to do if and when you are ready to exchange that information. 

If I am on the Tinder app or the Christian Mingle site, your initial "cover photo" must intrigue me.  If you are sticking your tongue out, you have crazy hand gestures, you present a generic emblem or logo picture of a sports team as your cover photo, you only have pictures of your truck or motorcycle or your animals or even your kids but none of you and/or if this is your cover photo instead of a picture of you, there is a picture of you smoking, you are passed out on the sidewalk clearly drunk, you are with a chic that you didn't crop out of the photo (a group of people I am okay with because that means you have friends and like to have fun), you are showing off more of your body than just a shirt off, a picture of you in front of the bathroom mirror, yah all these things are an automatic swipe left (which means NOPE!!!) on Tinder and an automatic trash of the email if on Christian Mingle.

You may be a great guy, but how you present yourself is what you are going to attract and I want the best.  The Absolute Best!!!  I want an immensely attractive mannerly guy with characteristics that intrigue me.  Deeply intrigue me to want to hang out with you.  I want a handsome guy that I find draws me in.  We all hopefully have a funny side to us that we can show, and maybe even some crazy moments, but if these are the photos you want to advertise to sell yourself to me through an online dating site, I think you aren't a serious person who has very much substance to be a stable prince in my world.

I want to know YOU...not your dog.  Not your cat.  Not your truck.  Not your harley.  You can show me pictures and discuss these things with me later, right now, I want to get to know you.  The basics about you.  If that's all you can put in your profile photos, it means to me that all this stuff means more to you than a relationship.  Kinda a sign of what truly is important to you.  Or that I will matter to you.

I expect you to have a favorite sports team.  For reals, you might even maybe one or two or three of them!!!  But again, if you can't let me see you, the real everyday you, and you can only show me a sports team that you are crazy about, it makes me think you are afraid to be real with me and that you may not have any other goals outside of being a sports fan.  Believe me, nothing wrong with liking sports and being a fan of them, but who are you trying to sell me on?  You or the sports team?

I want you to be a good looking handsome stud!!! Dang it, I do!  But I want you to be mannerly and respectful of what you present online just as much as you want me to be too.  So if you are over the top in your presentation, I could get real descriptive here and tell you some of the mess I have seen, but I think you get the point...if there is more than you being without your shirt, you get a NO.  

I expect you have had girlfriends, I don't want to see you snuggled up with them.  You may be divorced, but if you can't take the time to crop these people out, you haven't probably put separation in these relationships and therefore you probably have drama that I don't want to be a part of.  Or you haven't created closure.  Or you are running from one hot chic to another.  Or something that just doesn't sit well with me.

If you have sent me an email and I respond, do you answer my questions or do you avoid them?  If I tell you that I want to get to know you via email first and you insist on going out on a date before I know much about you, you don't get a response because that means you are being pushy and probably aren't into getting to know me and respecting my boundaries.  

These are some of the things I do in responding to connections made through the two Online Dating sites I am on.  I am not ashamed to move through this process and eliminate you.  Why?  Because I want the best of the best.  I know I am very unique.  I know my story is pretty horrific.  I know its really hard to believe I have never had a boyfriend and went on my first date 03.30.2014.  I know its going to take a very special guy that is gonna want to be a part of my world.  I don't resent this.  It means that it is going to take time to find the guy that fits this mold.  It is going to take time developing a friendship with a man to see if he can work his way into my heart to be able to claim it.  I am not interested in connecting with you if you don't meet some basic criteria so some of these things may seem harsh to you, but you have to start somewhere and this is step one for me.  I do not give out my phone number until we have communicated and had enough conversations that make me feel comfortable doing so.

If you are doing Online Dating, how do you determine if you wanna connect?

Quotes

Be patient with yourself. Self-growth is tender; it’s holy ground. There’s no greater investment.

- Stephen Covey

Hey Misty, are you listening to ME?

I am in California.  Taking a vacation.  No work.  All play.  All relaxation.  All fun.  But the vacation trip hasn't started as I wanted.  

You see, I really wanted to maximize two weekends to visit friends with a week in between.  I bought this airline ticket the end of March, to keep my commitment to do a personal break once a quarter, as I continue to strive to achieve more work life balance and fulfill the quest for taking care of me.  I had purchased the first flight out of the day to ensure I could maximize the day.  

I got up at 4.30am yesterday to be able to get in my hour work out and be on the road by 6am.  I was on the road shortly after, about 10 minutes down the road when I got a text message alert that my flight was delayed by a good 2 hours.  Quick thinking through my options, I decided to return home and work on the todolist and resume the travels later instead of just chilling at the airport because I didn't want to waste the day.  An hour later, I got notice my flight had been completely canceled and I had to go online to rebook.  The only option open was for the last flight out at 6.15pm.  I called to try to see if a Live Agent could get me on sooner, no success.  Only option was to go hang at the airport and attempt to fly standby or go on the last flight.  I opted for the later and used the time to work for 4 hours on client projects and then spend 2 hours poolside at my house before heading out.  

I headed to the airport at 3.30pm making time to go to the bank and get gas on the way.  I had just purchased a new suitcase because my last one broke back on my last Salt Lake City trip and I hadn't replaced it yet, so this was my first time to pack it and get used to organizing it.  It was slightly bigger than my previous one and when I was checking it, I was 3 pounds over.  I had to remove a few items or pay $35 additional, which of course would have been silly especially since bags fly free with Southwest, so I removed my cosmetic bag and jewelry and carried it in my backpack.  All went smoothly through security and we boarded right on time.  I was supposed to have a Stop Over in El Paso, Texas and then arrive in Sacramento by 10pm.  Somehow somewhere along the way between the time that I rebooked my ticket and actually flew out, Southwest made changes to my flight and I ended up with a 2.5 hour layover in Phoenix.  Problem was, I had no boarding pass and they didn't show me scheduled to be on the connecting flight to Sacramento, California.  The flight attendant at the gate told me it wasn't possible for me to have arrived at Phoenix from Dallas since my boarding pass said El Paso, Texas.  I am sure my look of incredulous must have been pretty intense, but I was determined to be calm.  No use getting upset at her, she obviously wasn't thinking this through.  I flew out of Dallas and did a stop over in El Paso and now was at Phoenix.  If I did not change plans, how could I have gotten to this airport any other way??? She eventually got the picture and realized Southwest had really screwed up my reservation.  It wouldn't let her put me on another flight.  By this point, I was wondering what God's message was for me in all this.  He knows that I had gotten up really early.  He knows that arriving really late was going to put me in a zone of frustration and utter fatigue at the beginning of my trip which makes it really hard for me to recover.  I was determined to remember that this was one of those No Control situations and ride it out.   After a good 30 minutes, Alice had me a boarding pass and I was now to sit another 2 hours and wait for my flight.  I placed my shoes on the floor, curled up on two chairs with my legs curled underneath my body, arms and head wrapped over my purse attempting to take a nap before the nausea from my adrenal fatigue made me vomit.  It was hard to get any decent nap in between the announcements on the overhead speaker and the number of people around.  It was funny to hear peoples comments as they walked by: "Now that's what I call tired." ... "She looks like I feel." ... "That's one way to do it."  ... I didn't care...I was exhausted.  Beyond exhausted.  

It must have been an awful day for Southwest because the number of delayed, canceled and mishaps on flights was horrific.  All the gate attendants were a bit frazzled and the passengers even more.  The number of people just hanging out, confused, frustrated, and tired like me was a lot.  People's phone conversations and chatting between passengers revealed that the majority of us were all in the same boat.

We finally took out of Phoenix at the time I was scheduled to arrive in Sacramento, California!  I arrived to be greeted by my dear friend Laura and her daughter Rebecca that I have not seen in like 7 years!!!  We quickly began conversation and discussed so much on the drive home from the airport...we continued conversation when we got home in the hallway, then in the kitchen, and then on my bed, until 3.30am (5.30amCST - my time) when we said we truly must get to sleep.  We have so much to catch up on that we just couldn't wait until today.  We made tentative plans for me to go with her to work so that I could have her vehicle today and discussed that I wanted to go to church.

After 4 hours of sleep, I woke up, unable to sleep more, but I laid in bed and prayed, spent some time reflecting on what God was trying to teach me already this trip, did a google search on local churches and then checked my Facebook to get caught up on some private messages and comments.  I connected with two of my friends to see what their church plans were for the day.  I attempted to make plans with them, but that didn't work out.  I was trying to decide where I felt God calling me to go and felt connected to one place, which wasn't one of the two places recommended to me by 3 different people.  

In the midst of this, I had doubts and feedback from 3 different conversations this week replaying in my head with friends who have had such bad religious experiences that they are burnt out on religion and don't want to attend church.  Some don't understand why I feel the longing to be connected in this way.  It's not that they are judging me or that I am judging them.  We know our journey's are taking us different places and we both know that to attend church or not attend church has nothing to do with your relationship with God.  Yet, the conversations weren't bringing peace to my soul as I was trying to make a plan on what I should do.  [If you are one of these friends that I have had this conversation with, please do not take this as a bad thing...its a necessary part of my journey right now to find these answers for myself.  I do not want you to take this as a negative, it is being used in my life for a reason in the here and now.]  

I couldn't decide what to do.  I was experiencing this war in my soul between listening to my heart and the input of friends.  Why do I do this?  Why do I feel that the input of others is so important as to what I do?  Do I not trust God to lead me?  Do I not believe that he will truly lead me and guide me if I put it out there for him to do so?  What is holding me back?  I finally made the decision that if I went where I felt called to go, I was going to be late, something I hate to do at church because the worship service is my absolutely FAVORITE part and I don't want to miss one moment of it.  I then opted to go to a place that all 3 of my friends recommended.  I finished getting ready and hit the road, grabbed my phone, clicked on the last church I had searched google maps for, and started down the road.  I missed my exit.  Now I was frustrated with myself because I was going to be late.  I did what I hate that I do and started that negative self talk stuff.  "See if you had made plans like you know to do, you would have been prepared and not shown up late." ... "If you had responded to one of your friends last night, you could have done church with her this morning and participated in this together." ... "If you had gone to bed at a decent hour, you wouldn't be so tired." .... and on and on.

...and then I heard my coaches voice:

Our experiences are just feedback to address what isn't working and make adjustments.  These experiences are not necessarily right or wrong, they are simply what they are, just perfect in the moment.  Accept them.  Learn from them.  Embrace the opportunity to show up now.  Focus on what you want.  Be you.  Don't try to be someone else.

Dang.  I haven't gotten it yet!!!  I still am having to learn.some.really.hard.lessons.

Learn that I am perfect right now.

Learn that I am okay in my own perfectionist identity.

That for me to be a planner isn't right or wrong, its who I am and what I connect to.  Just because others don't understand, don't relate, aren't as structured, doesn't make it wrong for me to be when it feeds me and makes me happy.

That I need to take care of ME and nobody else.  I need to follow my heart because God isn't wrong.  Ever.  He is the one who is perfect and covers me in his perfection.

I arrived at the church only to realize that this isn't the one I wanted to go to.  This isn't the one that the 3 friends had recommended, it was another one that someone had recommended, the one that was farthest away and had started 30 minutes ago!!! How the heck did I make this mistake???  Oh yah, I had searched for gobs of churches in my phone and though I had thought the one I wanted to go to was the last one I had searched for, it wasn't.  Both of them started with "B's" which in my hurried click, I had thought was this one.

Now I wanted to cry.  I was late to church and I didn't even get to participate in any worship service!!! I called Laura all bent out of shape and frustrated in the moment.  She assured me that we would get me taken care of later today when she got off work and we could do an evening worship service and encouraged me just to go inside.

I listened to her because even if I turned around now and went to the other church, I would miss worship service there too.  So I parked.  I prayed as I walked inside asking God to help me again work through my perfectionist identity issues.  To work through my detest of showing up late.  To work through understanding what message he had for me today.  To learn that even in this mistake, its perfectly what he wants for my journey.

By the time I sat in my seat, I had had a complete attitude adjustment and I posted on Facebook as I check in at this church:

"Not where I was planning to end up..... But guess God has a different plan for me today!!! Gonna listen and be open to the way this trip has started because he is always active and moving in my life and he shows up to amaze me!"


What message did he have for me today from that church?  A couple of them:

• The heart of the people was all in and the rest is up to God!  Whatever we place in the hands of God is more than enough. Then He will show you his amazing hand.
• Are you wrestling with what to give?
• Do you have that child-like faith?
• Are you all in?
• Have you hedged your bet?
• Do you think you have the corner of the market on God?

Beyond that...what other messages did he have for me today?

• You need to focus on listening to ME, Misty, not anybody or anything else.  ME.
• You need to take care of YOU!
• You need to trust that I have your back.

I heard you God.  I will pay attention and I will again learn from today to listen. To You.  Only You.

Quotes

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Dating Questions: How to just go and "have fun"?

Everyone says to just "Go and Have Fun" on dates.  

This is harder than it seems it should be, especially when you come from my zone.  I am sure after much longer at doing this I will figure out exactly what the "Go and Have Fun" means and exactly how to do that as each guy is different and their approach to dating varies.  I must say that the longer I have done it, it has gotten easier, and I am sure the longer I continue it, it will be a skill just like other things, that you learn to do better and perfect through experience.  However, since each person is different, it may always be a challenge.  

My goal is to make it as natural as possible.  To be able to just be comfortable being me.  To not listen to any of those old voices from others who have told me what is right and wrong about dating.  About how to show up in a relationship.  Exactly what to say.  How to dress.  What to do or not do.  I do my best to try to shut them off, boot them out, ignore them, but its hard when you wish you could just delete them and remove them from ever having been in your head in the first place because the foundation as to why they were "right" wasn't a foundation built on faith and trust but one of fear.  I know being able to just be myself is going to be the biggest key to my success at this because anything else doesn't feel right.  Yet, it is still one of the hardest things I have ever done and allowing myself to be just me, relaxed, in my true personality, enjoying the moment, sometimes is just beyond difficult.  And other times, it isn't at all.  

You might be saying why?

Well, it feels like if I honestly just make my purpose to "just enjoy the date" with you then I am not finding out the things I should be about you because the dating process is supposed to be an evaluation and learning process.  I don't want to continue going on dates if you are not a person who has character, appropriate boundaries and like minded interests with me.  Asking questions is the only way I learn those things.  Right?  But then if I try to find out information about you, I feel I turn it into something where I am actually interviewing you and taking mental notes and it is so much harder to make and keep fun in the mix somehow in this process!  Some of the dates I have been on I have actually been able to accomplish both, and these are the ones that are truly the best!!!  

Then when you are able to achieve both with someone, then you have to play "the wait and see game".  It's not like I have this mission to find this man in 2014 and get married, but at the same time, just letting life happen, trying to act like you don't care and not show that it matters to you if you ever hear from them again or if you will get to see them again, that you are just cool with whatever happens is kinda hard, really hard when you want to spend time together.  I am not doing this for kicks to see how many dates I can go on to find a man that wants a relationship.  Promise!

I get frustrated when people say, don't rush into anything.  After waiting 37 years, I promise you, I am.not.rushing.into.anything.at.all.  I promise you, I want the guy that is the imperfect Mr. Right who is the perfect match for me.  I want the best.  The absolute best and I will not settle.  I have no need to settle.  I have an awesome life single and the only reason I want someone else is to take my life to another level that is more awesome than what I currently have and if its not that, its not worth it.  I will find him or I will remain single.  I know I am worth it and I know he is too!  And I want to be the perfect match for him too.  I want to blow him away.  I want to be awesome on such a level that he can't live without me.  If he doesn't feel I will make his life better, why would I want him to want me?

Dang.  It's very tough to be dating.  Trying to figure out this.  Who made this so complicated anyways?  Should dating be this complicated?  

Some days I think staying single would be a better option.  I can control my world this way and believe me its not a shabby world!  I have God and really do I need anything else?  Part of me says no and part of me says yes.  That's where the conflict lies.

Oh dear God, please help me through this to know what you want for my life and help me to figure out what I want too!  You know what is the best for me.  You know what I need.  You know what I need.  You know who, if anyone, would be best to be that person in my life.  I pray you give me answers.

How did you make the dating scene a bunch of fun?  What to you makes this process more fun?  Less complicated?  Easy?

Quotes

You don't love a girl because of beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand.
- L.J. Smith

an idea for a fun date...

One of my friends posted this picture on Facebook...I think its a cute idea! 

What ways would you make your dating or marriage date nights a bunch of fun???  

Oh, this is the kinda fun I wanna have!!!

Dating Questions: Can we be friends?

That's the question.  Can we be friends?  

To answer that in dating, you have to look at several aspects.

Do we have mutual interests?  Do we genuinely care about each other?  Can we support each other in whatever comes up?  Is there mutual respect, appreciation, concern?  Do we enjoy each others presence as we go about our daily lives and there is a chance to do things together?  Do we want to spend time together?  Do we miss each other when we are apart?  Can we talk about everything as friends do?  Can we share parts of our hearts as friends do?  Do we want our friends to meet this new friend because we appreciate them so much?  

A friend [per www.dictionary.com] means:

friend

  [frend]  noun

1.

a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.

a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

Some people state you have to be friends first before you can be lovers.  Others state you have to have an attraction in order to date and to be "those kinds of friends".  

I look at it differently.  I think that every relationship is different and how it develops has its own attributes and characteristics, and so you may be friends first and then become lovers or you may be lovers first and develop into friends.  If there is a deep attraction from the get go, I don't think you can say you have to back up and "be friends" first.  I think that encourages you to deny your emotions which God gave you, the attraction and connection you felt for this person, as we all connect to certain people easily and with our hearts.  But the fact remains, I don't see how you can progress in a [potential] marriage relationship in which you will live with someone the rest of your life if you aren't friends.  True friends.  Not surficial friends.  Not friends of convenience. Not friends just when you are in need.  True friends.  A friend who is someone that is everything to you that you want them to be.  Who wants to be with someone you only are romantic with?  Who wants to be with someone you don't find fun to hang around except on dates nights or time spent alone in mad passionate love?

I honestly don't believe my parents were friends.  They had reasons why they matched up with each other and got married, but they were not friends.  They didn't have very many things they liked to do together.  And the few things they did enjoy doing together, eventually died and they no longer did.  They didn't enjoy, truly enjoy with no ulterior motive, just hanging out and having a good time with each other.  If my parents were friends at the beginning of their marriage, it didn't last and they didn't develop the friendship deeply because of how they interacted with each other when I was older.

I absolutely don't want this kind of relationship.  I would rather live alone then deal with being with someone and feeling alone, more alone because you have someone and aren't connected.  I think that would be worse than just living in my own world.  Someone I don't feel is on my side and supportive of me as a friend would be very sad.  

I want to be with someone that I love to do absolutely everything with!!! You think I am joking?  I am not.  And guess what, if you don't want to be with me doing every little thing either, then I would hate for you to be obligated at a relationship with me.  Life is too short for that.  I am not gonna force anyone to be in my world...any more than I want you to force me to be in yours.

Don't get me wrong.  I want my space too.  I want you to feel free to go and have fun with your friends or alone and I want to be free to go and have fun with my friends or alone.  I am not feeling I need to or have to be with you 24/7, but I sure don't want to dread being with you and if given the opportunity to join you, I would want to be with you over being alone because I want to want to be with you that much!  That's what I mean.

Figuring out what being friends is in a relationship though takes time.  For some people "just being friends" has one meaning and for others another meaning.

I had one guy tell me that he can be friends with every girl he dates because he just can because he is that kind of a friend.  When it came down to us getting to know each other and it becoming obvious that we were not a fit because of deal breakers and some signs that he had character issues that I couldn't accept and deal with, he said he would still be my friend and we could just go and do things and hang out.  But he was jealous when I went out on other dates.  He was perturbed I didn't do something with him every night of the week.  I addressed this and told him that we were just gonna be friends and that meant he shouldn't be jealous of someone else in a more personal space in my world in a way that he wasn't.  In the end, he couldn't just be my friend because he wanted more and though he had said he would just be friends, he couldn't and he realized it later.  You have to realize not everyone can be your friend.  Some people want more than that which means they can't back up and just be friends.  They don't know how to be friends without expecting to connect in a romantic way.

I had one guy tell me not to call him friend because when I did, that made him think that there was not a chance for anything else.  This isn't how I meant it...everyone who is truly a part of my inner circle is my friend.  I care about you.  I want the best for you.  I want to support you.  I want to pray for you.  I want to encourage you.  I want to show you love [as a friend, not a lover].  But friends to him meant that nothing potentially would ever be deeper and I had to understand his meaning of friends to relate to him and make him feel comfortable with what friends meant to me.  

There are other times when people say: "I think we should just be friends."  This typically means, I don't want to date you and I don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you I really don't want you in my personal space.  I personally think it would be better that people not state they "just want to be friends" unless that is just what they want and follow through with it.  Be a friend if you are going to say you are, otherwise you are casual acquaintances instead.  Not friends.  More times than not, when someone says this, they don't have the heart to be open, honest and authentic about where they are in the relationship.  And they should.  It doesn't help anyone feel that the person is being real if they can't address the truth of the friendship and what their expectations are out of the relationship.  If you are wanting to just be friends and see that you have that foundation first before you bring romance into the picture, then you need to keep your feelings in check to not send mixed messages.  

Friendship can mean different things to different people and there are levels of to being friends.  But either way, I believe guys and girls can be friends as long as there is a mutual understanding of what that means and an honest evaluation of where each individual's heart is in connecting as friends and what the expectations are out of the friendship.  I was raised that guys and girls can't be friends.  I have friends who believe this is correct and I have friends who believe this is incorrect.  I pray that I am able to make some good guy friends that I can have a part of my life that encourage and support me because I want them in my life like that.  

So I ask you to define for me, what does being friends in a dating relationship mean to you?  How do you show someone you are willing to be their friend?  What qualities must be developed in a friendship for the relationship to survive?  Do you believe guys and girls can be friends?

Quotes

One thing that can stop us from being a truthful worshiper is feeling like we have nothing to offer to God. 

- DarleneZschech

the interesting thing about blogging

I love blogging.

I love writing.

I love sharing my thoughts.

I love getting feedback from the words I write and the thoughts I share.  

I love the people that take time to comment, email me follow up thoughts, text me that my post really hit home with them, Facebook message me and share how the post impacted their world, comment on the link on Facebook after reading it or share my post from my Twitter feed.  It tells me that what they thought I wrote was meaningful enough that they wanted their inner circle of friends to read it too.  The ripple effect of blogging on my friendships is exciting to me!

Even after 7 years of blogging, I am still amazed that the posts I spend the most time writing, trying to make sure my thoughts make sense, that I have written all that I want to convey, that I have shared exactly what I should and left out what I shouldn't...are rarely the posts that hit home with people.  They rarely are the ones that get any feedback.  They are rarely the ones that seem to stir a connection.

The blog posts that create the most connection with people are the ones that take only 5 minutes to write.  Not literally, but figuratively in the sense that they are the ones that my heart just feels called to write and I sit down and it all comes out and very little time is spent making it all come together.  They are the ones that are written when I rarely worry about what people will think about what I am writing, because I really don't care, I have a message I want to share.  I write because its my heart and I share all of it.  People cry.  People comment.  People are amazed that I am this authentic, open, and bare my soul to the depths that I do.

The other blog posts that seem to create the most connection with people are the ones that I write about topics that are hurtful.  Topics that are sensitive.  Topics that people avoid.  Topics that we all face.   These are the ones that people resonate with.  Topics that I am bold to go into.  These are the posts where I hold nothing back.  And people appreciate the honesty.

Part of me wonders why that is?  Part of me knows.  The evidence is there as to why these posts are a home run hit!

It is after writing these two kinds of posts that I wish I spent more time writing.

He Loves ME

Happy Fathers Day to you Dads!  

It truly is a blessing to be a Father and to make an impact in a child's life.  It is an enormous responsibility, but the calling supercedes all others.  The calling to show love, to teach skills, to lead, to inspire, to encourage, to support, to make an impact that goes beyond your own little world.  

One of the guys I have been out with on a few dates takes a lot of pictures of him with his daughter.  He is always finding ways to spend time with her.  His love for her is amazing!  

It got me thinking.  

I have one memory of something my Dad did, completely an idea all on his own, unasked by Mom, in which he offered to take me and my sister late one New Years Eve to the grocery store to purchase and get some candy.  We were beyond ecstatic!!!  This was not something my Dad had ever done and the fact that my Mom allowed it, was truly amazing. [We were never allowed to be alone with my Dad and candy was not something we got very much, so the combination, was a huge event in my little world.]

I don't have one picture that I am aware of with my Dad.  Not one.  I am not saying none were ever taken, because I don't have all the photos of my childhood, but I don't have one and don't remember one in all the times we poured over the albums we had.  And then I got to thinking about if I had had a picture with my Dad, would he have been smiling?  Would he have had his arm around me?  Would I have been sitting on his lap?  Would he have been kissing my cheek?

The sad thing is to realize that I know the answers to those questions.  You might say, why would you even think about such things?  

Because these things drive me to be a different person.  Even if I am never a parent.  These things drive me to reach out to that child who you can see the pain in their eyes, the longing for a hug, the longing for connection, the longing to be accepted, the longing to be loved, the longing to be wanted, the longing to mean something to somebody, the longing for affirmations and positive thoughts, the longing to be understood, the desire for all of these needs to be filled.....

That child may not be young, it may be the inner child of an adult who still has this need and who is hurting, deeply hurting.  This inner child may be YOU, my dear friend.  This inner child many times is ME.

My Dad...Randall Russell Gilbert
[maybe someday photos of just you and me will show up]

Today, I know as my Dad looks down from Heaven, He Loves Me!!! Even though he never knew how to, couldn't, didn't say it or show it.  He loves me as he has never loved me.  He sees me in a way he never saw me when I was at home living the life of being his daughter.  He cannot redo being a Dad to me.  
...but I believe with my whole heart he loves me now!

You may be like me.....Never had a Dad who said you were beautiful.  You were loved.  Who kissed you beyond the dutiful goodnight kiss as a child on the cheek.  Who held you close.  Who hugged you just because.  Who made you feel like a million bucks.  Who enjoyed being with you.  Who told you that you were wanted.  Who sat on the couch and talked to you.  Who took you for a walk.  Who rode bikes with you.  Who cooked in the kitchen with you.  Who did a craft with you because it was your favorite thing.  Who did things for you just because he wanted to be with you.  Who took you out for Daddy Daughter Dates.  Who cared so much about you that you knew it every single day.  

But I promise you, God does!

He LOVES you.

Believe me, I know sometimes it is hard to let God's love be enough and replace those human connections and relationships where you can actually hear the words and feel the emotional expression...the connections and relationships that God wants you to have so that you understand his love on a deeper level.  I am not trying to tell you those connections and relationships don't matter or that God replaces them completely, because I no longer believe that as I was taught.  These relationships do matter, immensely or God would not have created them.  Every little girl wants to be her Daddy's World.  We need our Dad's.  And God can be to us what other people are not, but their touch in our lives makes us more complete.  As with all things in my life, I will always try to find the positive focus to let that rule over the negative feelings in order to have a thriving life.  And I want you to too.

If you have been blessed to have a Dad that loves you and takes pictures with you, who tells you that you are beautiful, you are loved, kisses you, holds you close, hugs you just because, makes you feel like a million bucks, enjoys just being with you, tells you that you are wanted, talks to you, does things with you, takes you out on Daddy Daughter Dates and more...go tell your Daddy today how much you love him back!  You may never know what is going on in his world and what he needs to hear from you today.

May each of us purpose today to be that loving person in a connection and relationship to that inner child that needs to know.....

I am Loved!

I am Wanted!

I am Accepted!

I am Understood.

I Matter!

I am Good Enough!

And I am Beautiful!

You are, my friend.

Dating Questions: How do you know if it's his personality or he just isn't that into you?

Some days I think that Dating brings up more questions than answers.  How do you find the answers?  Some things aren't a morality issue or based off a principal from God.  Is time the only answer that divulges the truth?

My personality is very intuitive, introspective, observant, passionate, courageous, determined, and loving.  I show up this way in every way in life, and dating has not been an exception to this.  In this process of putting myself out there to connect with men and get to know them, I am finding that some things are simply Men vs Woman, aka Mars vs Venus differences, but at other times they are simply personality differences.  

These differences are not necessarily right or wrong, they just are opposites.  We tend to make the way a guy thinks vs the way a girl thinks right vs wrong.  What if we did more to understand that both are right, neither is wrong and learn to accept the differences and appreciate that each aspect of the differences allows us to connect in a way that we wouldn't have if we were the same?  What if we tried to create a relationship that was a blend of both?  One that enhanced the strengths of each person?

But how do you know when its a personality difference vs a guy that just isn't that into you?  How do you figure out the man code and male language for what it is and not miss the meaning that he is trying to send you without having to ask a pointed question that makes him feel you are criticizing him?  Or putting him on the spot?  Without making him feel you are questioning his every move?  Without making him feel he has to commit to a relationship when you know that he is trying to figure things out just as much as you are?  Some days trying to listen to the clues and figure out the answers is more challenging than it seems.

The challenge is to communicate through them and not push the other person out the door.  I am a communicator.  I will share my thoughts, my heart, my feelings with you. I will ask questions, lots of questions.  I generally don't find this very hard to do, even on difficult topics.  When I do, I stop and pray and take a deep breath.  I want you to do the same, communicate and ask questions.  You may not communicate as I do and I am fine that you don't, just as long as communication happens so that I can learn to understand you.  My goal isn't to communicate to push you away but to draw you closer.  To connect on a level that makes you feel understood, loved and respected.  

The challenge is to be patient.  When I say be patient, I mean to be willing to let life happen to create enough opportunities for you to follow a pattern, not a one time incident to come to a conclusion about something.  I am a problem solver.  I don't let issues lay on the table.  I want resolution.  The challenge will be to exercise more patience and let what should be, be.  Sometimes that means when I want to address something, I have to let it ride because a guy may not be ready for that and it might not be time to ask him to be ready for that.  I am not desperate or in a rush to find my man, but I am also not interested in making something complicated or dragging something out that isn't meant to be a part of my life.  Knowing how much time to give something and let it ride is a learning experience.  Learning when is the right time to address something, question, or get clarification is a difficult thing with men.

The challenge is to remember that they have lived a life alone just like you and adjusting to having someone in your personal space takes time, no matter how much you enjoy each others company.  There will need to be space given to move into a space of singleness to deep connection, if that is meant to happen.  It means there are times the relationship is going to need space so that you can figure out what is important to you and what you really want.  Both parties understanding this is a critical element to a healthy relationship.

The challenge is to remember that the goal of dating is to figure out if you are compatible.  If you enjoy spending time with each other.  If the initial attraction is something that you want to grow deeper.  If both parties walk the talk [what they say and what they do align].  To understand what their story is.  If you can embrace this person for where they are, willing to understand that we all have brokenness and they want to be loved just as much as you do, then you will be a fit.  To figure out these answers you have to date.

Another challenge is to see if they follow through with what they say they are going to do.  And when they don't, give them a chance to explain why.  Sometimes things happen in life to intervene and they are not able to follow through on what they said they were going to do.  Sometimes they truly forget.  Other times they have no intention of keeping their word and you will find that out by the explanation they give you.  You have to understand that the only way you will figure this out is to let the circumstances be what they will be and accept what they tell you is the reason and let them show you they are at the core.  They will.  You will figure out patterns and know if they are being honest with you.

The challenge is to figure out if he just thinks you are cute or if he likes you completely, the whole package you bring to the table.  When you want them to understand, love and accept you for you its hard to believe that some people only care about one aspect and that the other characteristics are not important to them, but sometimes cute is as deep as they want to get with you.  You can't lose focus and dismiss these things or you will have a relationship void of the true connection you desire.

I have not read the book, He's Just Not That Into You...but maybe I should...it might give me more answers to understanding men and the dilemmas of dating.  For now, I am reading Getting the Love You Want, Boundaries in Dating, and Mars and Venus on a Date.  

What tips would you give me to understand the clues of a man?  Any books you have found helpful in moving into the male and female relationship?  Any way you look to understand his personality vs the male dynamics as God created them?

Quotes

Love my Coaches!!!
 #LockinDownTheTruth
#MarciLock
#90DayMastermindCoaching
#LiveBIG

Quotes

Quotes

The purpose of relationships is to magnify human emotion and experience.

a written prayer

Lord, may I live my life so in love with You, so in step with You, so intimately close with You, that people see You in me. Help me to exhibit Your peace in my storms, Your compassion for the hurting, Your forgiveness when wronged, Your commitment in service, and Your unconditional love for people. Help me live a life that is honoring to You in all that I do. Help me reflect Your likeness as I submit more and more of myself to Your Spirit’s indwelling and influence. When my days on earth have ended and I am ushered into Your presence, may all who reflect on my life be encouraged by my resemblance to You. 

Dating Questions: How do you not become overwhelmed in this process?

The dating scene is new to me.  Hahahahahah...you know this...but I just had to remind you in case you forgot. I am not a pro.  I am in training.  I am getting experience.  Even after 9 weeks now of putting myself "out there"?  I can't say I like it.  

It's difficult.  And not a difficulty I find fun or challenge that is intriguing.  Sometimes it can feel like it's complicated, way more complicated than it appears.  It is most definitely a roller coaster ride!  You think you are on the ride up, making some headway and then mixed signals come or perplexing situation and you can't seem to piece the puzzle pieces together to make sense of it.  And then other times it is clear that you are headed down, increasing speed, faster than you can think is possible.  Sometimes so fast you wonder if you are going to crash.  And then, you think maybe you should just derail or jump off?  Skip this?  And then sometimes you get small pieces put together in the puzzle and you say, Okay, deep breath.  I think I can do this.  I got this.  God's got this.  I am not crazy.  All is good.  And you dig into it deeper.

Ohhh, you think I am joking???  

Geez, it plays with your emotions, more than anything I have had in my world for some time.  I don't like chaos. I don't like uncertainty.  I like structure.  I like a plan.  I like knowing what's gonna happen.  I like being in control of my environment.  I like a routine.  This doesn't fit that mold and its requiring me to look at things differently.  It's making me realize stuff about myself.  My expectations out of myself and life, particularly.  

Maybe you haven't experienced what I have, but having had a childhood full of chaos, I strive to create anything but chaos.  Having lived every moment in uncertainty, I make every effort to create certainty of the things I can.  Having lived in structure, I don't know lack of structure.  Having always being a part of a family who couldn't make decisions, couldn't stick to a plan, couldn't show up and live out their life without fear, drama and control, I make a plan and follow it through, adjusting it when and as is needed but never forgetting the reason for the original plan.  I have benefited greatly from having a routine.  I get more done by this aspect of my life and with being an entrepreneur it has been one of the reasons I have been so successful.

So when you experience the opposite in dating, it's hard to not just get in there and fix it.  As a consultant and trainer, I am always evaluating and analyzing to make things more efficient, to increase production, to streamline processes, to evaluate what is working and what isn't and make changes accordingly.  This is a skill I have and have adapted it to my trade and what I do well at.  But it doesn't seem to be working in the dating scene.  Or is it and I am just not good at it?  I am learning sometimes you just have to let things ride.  They will work themselves out as they are supposed to if you give it time and seek God in prayer.  I don't mean that as a cliche statement. I mean it as a reality.

Either way, I haven't been able to avoid some of the emotional chaos this dating scene has brought into my world.  When I say emotional chaos, I am talking about that emotional roller coaster ride.  Maybe this emotional chaos is another reason I have lost more weight besides that Yoga is having some positive results on my body???  Either way, I am down yet another size.  The smallest I have ever been since moving to Texas.

Sorry, that was a tangent...back to the dating scene.  

If I had my preference, I would rather just accidentally meet you somewhere then have to "go find you".  Seriously.  You know at church, at an evening over at a friends house, a fundraiser, while working at a charity event like Ronald McDonald House where I serve monthly, or at a clients office...yah, something casual, not so out there as one individual meeting another individual and going "out on a date".  Something without having to go through this routine, over and over and over.

But so far that hasn't been an option and therefore here I am, doing the online dating thing.  For now.  I am under no obligation or commitment to it.  And I might decide I want to give up the search to "go find you" and let God drop you in my lap as I have said before would be the best way.

I must be honest and tell you, initially it was beyond overwhelming.  Especially for me at the beginning when I started this process.  Probably because of the dynamics of my own personal story with this and the fact that at 37 I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, and I obviously had no idea what to expect.  In the first two weeks, I hate to admit it because it makes me sick, but I had 65 guys messaging me!!!  Maybe you find that flattering, I wasn't sure it was so much of a compliment.  I am not into myself thinking I am this hot chic and didn't find that to be what I wanted as a response, I wasn't looking for a bunch of people to have to respond to.  Believe me when I tell you that THIS WAS NOT what I expected, but what did I expect???  I honestly don't know, just not that for sure.  

I have responded to every email, notification, or match that I have gotten.  There is a plethora of guys, but not men necessarily I want in my world.  Some of you don't understand why I would/do respond to each person.  I don't see any reason to be mean and I think no response creates a cold silence that is just that.  It's mean.  Even if I don't find you attractive or my type after looking at your pictures, reading your profile, and maybe having some dialogue with you, I think its only appropriate to be kind and respond.  I will be honest and keep things where I see them.  I am not into playing games.  I am not into being rude.  You have a purpose as to why you are on there and so do I.  If you are not interested you, should say so.  If I am not interested, I should say so.

Some of you have said, "Of course you would get that amount of a response Misty, you are cute, dang cute!"  Really.  Is dating just all about being cute?  A dang cute guy or a dang cute girl?  I sure hope not!

For me, dang cute doesn't mean that they like my profile description of what I am looking for.  Dang cute doesn't mean we are compatible or that our values, beliefs and boundaries are remotely the same.  Dang cute doesn't mean you have a fun personality.  Dang cute doesn't mean you can make me laugh.  Dang cute doesn't mean that you love God.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are respectful.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are honest.  Dang cute doesn't mean you can or will communicate.  Dang cute doesn't mean you are fun.  Dang cute doesn't and isn't everything.  But yes, dang cute is an attribute we each want and I hope to find me a dang cute guy that thinks I am a dang cute girl and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  Sure do!

So...Call me ignorant.  Call me oblivious.  Call me a blond brunette.  This response was exhausting.  Yes, you weed out 95% of them quickly for various reasons.  But no matter how you look at it, it is still exhausting.  Sometimes flat out discouraging.  Sometimes a bunch of fun.  Sometimes really frustrating. Sometimes intriguing.  Sometimes exciting.  Sometimes perplexing. But in reality, it truly is a mix of all of it!  Just like all the rest of the things we experience in life.  There are good and bad moments to each encounter.  

You ask many of the same questions to every person.  You have to tell the same story over and over and over.  You have to try to figure out if they are being open, honest, authentic, and sincere.  You have to figure out their personality.  You have to figure out if you have a connection.  You have to figure out if they are of interest to you or you are to them.  You have to figure out if they are just another player out for a short lived girlfriend fling.  You have to figure out so much stuff...

After several weeks of this process, the overwhelmed feeling not dissipating, the frustrations with dating taking control over my life, I decided to change my approach and only will get on maybe once a week.  No more checking it morning and night.  And then, when I made that decision, I realized I wasn't even sure I wanted to do that because I am not interested in being overwhelmed.  I am not interested in making my life chaotic.  I am not interested in making this difficult, any more than it needs to be or any more than I have to have it be, I will keep it simple.  And keeping it simple I have.  I haven't been on in over 3 weeks.  Yes, there will be difficulties to it, all relationships take work, but I am not into forcing something to come about and happen in my life.  If this is something that is meant to happen, then I know my God will make sure it does.  He is the one who has the perfect plan for my life and when the time is right, it will be perfect just then, no sooner, no later.  Completely.  That being said, I will do my part, but I can't make someone show up and be there in my life who doesn't want to be and truly, why would I want someone who doesn't want to be that in my life?  Not a chance.  Life is too short and too full of opportunities to drag someone into it that doesn't want to be there.  

Who says I have to do this check it so often, spend so much time on it, go on so many dates, etc?  Yah, nobody.  I will make my own rules and I will do it at my own pace.  If you, Mr. Guy, don't like it that I don't respond quickly enough, you can go find another dang cute chic because I am sure they will be happy to have you hitting them up.  I am not into seeing how many guys I can get to like my profile or pictures.  Or how many guys I can rack up in sending me messages.  I am not that kind of chic.  I am not into just being hit on for the fun of it, I want to find someone I enjoy being with and want to share every moment of my life with.  If you are that, I will know it in due time and if you are not, well, we will both keep searching.  Or maybe I will give up searching.

Either way, know this:
  

I will date intentionally.  I will invest time, energy, money, along with my heart, mind and soul into getting to know you.  What you do from your side of the relationship is your deal.  But I will be authentically me.  I will not hold back loving you and being your friend.  There is a reason God allowed our paths to cross and I am going to make the most of each opportunity with you.

Have you done online dating?  If so, what was your method?  If not, but you did dating, what recommendations do you have? Any suggestions on how to make this process not so overwhelming and emotionally challenging???

Quotes

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

- Brian Tracy, Author

The Relationship Wheel

One of my very close friends shared this with me...thought you would benefit from it too.  It's The Relationship Wheel.  If you just take one trait away, the relationship will not run smoothly.

Ponder these 10 traits!

Quotes

Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.
- Single Matters

Dating Questions: Why is it so hard for you to communicate?

Communication is so important.  In EVERY relationship.  Not just guy-girl relationships, but in every.single.relationship. 

However, today's post is going to be directed to communication in the dating relationship.  Of course, you know this by the Title..and by the theme on my blog as of late.

Why do guys put so little effort to make communication happen?  Why do girls make it more complicated then it needs to be to communicate?  Why is communication difficult between guys and girls?  Why can't everyone see that it makes things so much easier if you just simply communicate?  Truly.  Very simple.

I love one of the lines to the lyric of the song Girls Chase Boys by Ingrid Michaelson...

"Let's not make this harder than it has to be"

I feel sometimes this dating process is harder than it has to be.  It shouldn't have to be this hard.

I am passionate about communicating.  Do I do it perfectly?  No.  Do I sometimes feel I over communicate?  Yes.  Do I sometimes feel that what I communicate is misunderstood?  Yes.  Would I rather over communicate than not communicate at all?  Yes.  Do I sometimes think that people fight communication when if they embraced it it would be the key to the problem?  Yes.  Is communication extremely important to me?  It is!!!  Oh so much.  

I spend a lot of time learning how to do it better. I evaluate what I have done in the past and what gave me the best results.  I have seen the results of good communication and I have seen the results of lack of communication.  Therefore, when you have the proof in the pudding so to speak, why do we not spend more time perfecting communication?

I am amazed at how many times people can't simply say what they are thinking, they are feeling, they want, they need, they desire, the dream of, they are afraid of, they wish, they anticipate, they hope for, they understand to be, they are concerned about...

But they don't.  They leave it to be assumed or to be figured out or think it will just be known if they leave things alone and it will resolve itself or they don't think it is important.

Really?  Since when did one of us become mind readers?  Guys or girls?  Since when did all of us think, feel, want, need, desire, dream, fear, wish, anticipate, hope, understand or have concerns about in the same way???  Right.  Never.  Even when speaking to people of the same sex.  So what should we do to correct this?  And why don't we focus on correcting it?

I was reminded by a friend to say:

"It makes me feel _____ when you do or say _____ ."

I was taught this at my first LiveBIG Conference and guess what, I had already forgotten it.  She reminded me at a time when I needed it.  Really needed it.  Because I was trying to make my point with facts instead of stating how something made me feel.  That's all that matters.  How it makes me feel because if you truly care about what I feel, you will focus on doing what you can to help me.

To me, communication is simple.  State what you are feeling and why.  Give the person a chance to hear your side of view.  Don't let it stop you from being you.  Don't be worried about what they think.  Put your cards out on the table and proceed after the next move is played.  It isn't hard.  Just do it!

If you are not interested in the dating relationship, say so.  If you don't want to go out on a date, say so.  If you want something different than how that person is showing up, say so.  If you miss them, say so.  If you care about them, say so.  If you enjoy their company, say so.  If you have changed your mind, say so.  If you need space, say so.  If you want time to reflect and answer questions, say so.  Don't hold back.  Don't be silent.  Don't ignore this person that you have allowed into your world and heart, even if its just a small amount.  They deserve your respect and communication.  It only creates more frustration in the relationship, not less.  It only leads to confusion and a lack of understanding intentions.  It only makes that person feel things they don't want to be feeling and that you can eliminate if you would simply and clearly share.

For me, I want to be a part of a relationship with a man that wants a companion. I want to experience a friendship and love with a man that is all my own.  If you don't want to be him, say so.  Why would I want to continue to invest time and energy into someone who doesn't want me in that way?  I don't.  I want a relationship with someone who wants me, really wants me, all of me!  I am not into forcing you to be on the same page with me.  Friendships, relationships, and Love are a choice.  And YOU get to choose just as much as I do!  Will I miss you???  Yes, I will.  Even if we are not a fit?  I most absolutely will.  Because everyone that comes into my life, even for a season, is used in my journey and I will miss you.  Even if you don't care about me like I care for you or you care about me like I don't care about you...we still have interacted and been a part of each others courageous journey.  But know this, my world will not fall a part.  If you need more time to figure out if you are him or I am her, say so.  If you have questions you need answered, ask them.  If you need space, ask for it.  If you have changed your mind at any point along the way, say so.  Don't expect me to figure out the meaning of your actions or lack there of.  I am not a mind reader and don't plan on making that a life long commitment either. LOL!!!

What books have you read about communication that you feel have dramatically improved your world in regards to communication?