Wednesday, February 27, 2013
please be patient with me
Dear Fellow Blogger Followers and Friends, I have much yet to write about, and the posts will come, even if back dated, once I can spend some time and share my travels and what is going on. I will return soon...
Monday, February 25, 2013
siblings reconnect
I have not seen Mindy [aka Lola] in 8 years, nearly 9 years this upcoming summer.
I have not seen Terry in 2 years. He left Texas November 2010.
When I knew that I would be seeing them both at the Memorial for Dad, I had much apprehension. Not that I don't love my siblings, I do. A bunch. I simply wasn't sure how things would go with the 3 of us together. The 3 of us had not been together since 1997. Terry feels the need to be the go between between the two of us. Mindy tries very hard to persuade Terry and at times can pit him between us. All this on top of her attitude towards me the last 2+ years created anxious feelings in me. I don't want to intrude on her life. I want to give her space to be her. I likewise want the space given to me to be me. Additionally, I need respect just as much as she wants respect.
As you know though from my previous posts, things went really well at the Memorial. On Saturday, I texted Mindy to let her know that I was glad she was able to make it and that it was good to see her. She responded. I wrote back. She responded. Thus we spent nearly two hours texting. You probably are asking why I didn't just pick up the phone and call her. She said she doesn't talk on the phone. So, I took the opportunity I was given and used it. This I would not have imagined would have come out of the time. By me being kind to her and gentle in spite of her treatment to me, she was responding. She said she thought it would be nice if the 3 of us could do something while we were out in California. I let her know that I had plans on Sunday, but if she wanted to meet up on Monday, I could do so. We agreed to meet on Monday Morning for breakfast.
When Monday Morning rolled around, I texted them both when I was on my way as I had an hour drive from Crystal's place in Redlands. I got to the restaurant before they arrived [they ended up being 30 minutes late]. I had enough time to spend some time alone. Quiet time alone in prayer. Prayer that the time be one that would help heal hurts in these two peoples lives. Prayer that God would give me the words to say or not to say. Prayer that Mindy would not be angry with me. Prayer that I could show God's love. Prayer that they would know in the end that I love them both. Truly love them.
When they arrived, Mindy initially was cold and stilted. I had picked a booth by the door because I figured they wouldn't want to be sandwiched between everyone else as it was noisy. She detested being by the door and said so. I said that wasn't a problem, we can move somewhere else. She picked the spot and we moved. When we sat down, she was visibly nervous and anxious. She was wearing a long sleeve light weight t-shirt that was a V-Neck to the middle of her chest and she was not wearing underclothes. Her skin looked old. She had lots of wrinkles and other skin issues. She looked tired and sad. She asked where I had parked. I mentioned I had parked on the other side of the building as the parking out front was limited to a 2 hour window. She quickly and rudely said, we will not be here that long. I said, that's no problem, I just didn't want to have to move in the event we were and felt it was better to find another spot. I decided to let her talk and if she asked questions, I would answer. If she brought up something that I could inquire more about, I would. I let her direct conversation. We talked about numerous things. She got very irate again about the fact that nobody had called her about Granma Omi's death. I let her know that I was sorry, if I had had her number I would have called her. She got furious that Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna or Carrie or Trisha didn't call her. I told her that they had a lot on their plate and that this was a very tough time for them. She argued that Granma was like a Mom to her. She said nobody has too much that they can't make a quick call. [She obviously either is not been through experiences that have forced time limitations on her or she is simply being short sighted or selfish.] I tried as much as I could to calmly satisfy her that I am sure they would have if they could have. She went on and vented. I let her. I did not respond. She eventually moved onto other topics. I learned that she doesn't eat much at all. She lives on caffeine. Her hair is falling out and she is petrified as to what is wrong but doesn't have money to go to the doctor nor does she feel she can afford to let them take blood because she "needs every drop she has". She said "Terry said you were out here last weekend, why?". I informed her that I had come out to see Uncle Truman & Aunt Jessica and go on a Dune Buggy Trip to the Dumont Sand Dunes with them. She asked who was there. I listed the people. She cut me off and said, "Excuse me, why were all those people there? Not all of them come to meetings." I said, "No Mindy they don't." She replied, "I don't understand. For all the years I was in The Group that was not allowed or tolerated." I responded, "A lot of things have changed Mindy." She was very harsh and skeptical, "What do you mean lots of things have changed? Explain exactly what you mean by that." I drew a deep breath. I screamed a silent desperate prayer, God! Give me. Please. Please give me wisdom. "Mindy, there have been many changes. To explain them all to you would take a lot of time. Much of it would not make sense to you since you have been gone for 8 years. There are lots of details, situations, events and thoughts that though I would be glad to tell you, it simply would take a lot of time to explain things." She argued back, "But it wasn't like that when I was in the group." To which I simply said, "I know." She looked at me like I can't believe you are not going to answer my question. Then she accepted it and dropped it and moved on to other topics. I honestly thanked God. This was hard. To try to explain this to someone who no longer believes in God would be truly the unexplainable. There was no way I could. Not a chance.
This manner is the way I purposely answered and continued the conversation with her. It was not a time to resolve all problems. Problems in our childhood. Problems with the Christians we know and love and have met with our entire life. Problems with relatives. Problems with our parents. Problems with my brother. It was a time to spend getting reconnected and maybe closing a bit of a gap that has been there. This was my purpose. This was my aim. I was going to strive for it with all I had in me.
During one of the times Mindy was talking, her eyes caught something behind me and she abruptly stopped. Her eyes were fixed on this item, her facial expressions showed whatever it was she saw was creating a response emotionally in her. The reflections of her feelings could not be hid from her face. They showed a puzzlement. Then acknowledgement and understanding. Then a tears welded up in her eyes. Then just as quickly a clear I can't do this, I am not going there, I won't give in settled in. She then told Terry, "Terry, they changed the message on the board from what it said yesterday. I think I liked what it said yesterday better. But anyways"...and she went on with her topic of conversation.
I was curious what she had seen. I turned my head to read it and saw this:
I got shivers up and down my spine, up and down my arms. I was thrilled. This was what I call a "Total God Moment". He planned this. He knew she needed to read this. It was meant just for her. Before we left the restaurant, I took a picture of it. Terry was clearly annoyed with me. Mindy thought me crazy. I knew it was going on my blog. I told them I wanted it for Memories.
She had Terry go to the car to get a little photo album of Mom & Dad's Wedding that was at the Memorial that Aunt Donna had brought from Granma Omi's house and that Mom had given to her. She let me pick a few photos of Mom & Dad's Wedding to have. This was a miracle because normally Mindy would have been gleeful that she got something I didn't and wouldn't have cared if I got anything. She wanted me to take more photos, but I only took 4. I told her I didn't need or want a bunch, I simply wanted one or two to have of my parents and the wedding party.
I left with my heart soaring...God's message of LOVE was written out for her to see. It depicted feelings in her she could not hide. God accomplished a small seed. What will happen from here, only God knows, but I know this...He is God! My God, and He was apart of our time!!!
From there we went to Starbucks to get some caffeine, got gas in her vehicle and I filled up Crystal's, and then we went to Terry's place so I could see where he lived. I got a tour and then we took photos and then I needed to leave to get back to Crystal's to have enough time to head to Ontario Airport. In the end, we spent 3 hours together...more than the 2 she said we would.
I have not seen Terry in 2 years. He left Texas November 2010.
When I knew that I would be seeing them both at the Memorial for Dad, I had much apprehension. Not that I don't love my siblings, I do. A bunch. I simply wasn't sure how things would go with the 3 of us together. The 3 of us had not been together since 1997. Terry feels the need to be the go between between the two of us. Mindy tries very hard to persuade Terry and at times can pit him between us. All this on top of her attitude towards me the last 2+ years created anxious feelings in me. I don't want to intrude on her life. I want to give her space to be her. I likewise want the space given to me to be me. Additionally, I need respect just as much as she wants respect.
As you know though from my previous posts, things went really well at the Memorial. On Saturday, I texted Mindy to let her know that I was glad she was able to make it and that it was good to see her. She responded. I wrote back. She responded. Thus we spent nearly two hours texting. You probably are asking why I didn't just pick up the phone and call her. She said she doesn't talk on the phone. So, I took the opportunity I was given and used it. This I would not have imagined would have come out of the time. By me being kind to her and gentle in spite of her treatment to me, she was responding. She said she thought it would be nice if the 3 of us could do something while we were out in California. I let her know that I had plans on Sunday, but if she wanted to meet up on Monday, I could do so. We agreed to meet on Monday Morning for breakfast.
When Monday Morning rolled around, I texted them both when I was on my way as I had an hour drive from Crystal's place in Redlands. I got to the restaurant before they arrived [they ended up being 30 minutes late]. I had enough time to spend some time alone. Quiet time alone in prayer. Prayer that the time be one that would help heal hurts in these two peoples lives. Prayer that God would give me the words to say or not to say. Prayer that Mindy would not be angry with me. Prayer that I could show God's love. Prayer that they would know in the end that I love them both. Truly love them.
When they arrived, Mindy initially was cold and stilted. I had picked a booth by the door because I figured they wouldn't want to be sandwiched between everyone else as it was noisy. She detested being by the door and said so. I said that wasn't a problem, we can move somewhere else. She picked the spot and we moved. When we sat down, she was visibly nervous and anxious. She was wearing a long sleeve light weight t-shirt that was a V-Neck to the middle of her chest and she was not wearing underclothes. Her skin looked old. She had lots of wrinkles and other skin issues. She looked tired and sad. She asked where I had parked. I mentioned I had parked on the other side of the building as the parking out front was limited to a 2 hour window. She quickly and rudely said, we will not be here that long. I said, that's no problem, I just didn't want to have to move in the event we were and felt it was better to find another spot. I decided to let her talk and if she asked questions, I would answer. If she brought up something that I could inquire more about, I would. I let her direct conversation. We talked about numerous things. She got very irate again about the fact that nobody had called her about Granma Omi's death. I let her know that I was sorry, if I had had her number I would have called her. She got furious that Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna or Carrie or Trisha didn't call her. I told her that they had a lot on their plate and that this was a very tough time for them. She argued that Granma was like a Mom to her. She said nobody has too much that they can't make a quick call. [She obviously either is not been through experiences that have forced time limitations on her or she is simply being short sighted or selfish.] I tried as much as I could to calmly satisfy her that I am sure they would have if they could have. She went on and vented. I let her. I did not respond. She eventually moved onto other topics. I learned that she doesn't eat much at all. She lives on caffeine. Her hair is falling out and she is petrified as to what is wrong but doesn't have money to go to the doctor nor does she feel she can afford to let them take blood because she "needs every drop she has". She said "Terry said you were out here last weekend, why?". I informed her that I had come out to see Uncle Truman & Aunt Jessica and go on a Dune Buggy Trip to the Dumont Sand Dunes with them. She asked who was there. I listed the people. She cut me off and said, "Excuse me, why were all those people there? Not all of them come to meetings." I said, "No Mindy they don't." She replied, "I don't understand. For all the years I was in The Group that was not allowed or tolerated." I responded, "A lot of things have changed Mindy." She was very harsh and skeptical, "What do you mean lots of things have changed? Explain exactly what you mean by that." I drew a deep breath. I screamed a silent desperate prayer, God! Give me. Please. Please give me wisdom. "Mindy, there have been many changes. To explain them all to you would take a lot of time. Much of it would not make sense to you since you have been gone for 8 years. There are lots of details, situations, events and thoughts that though I would be glad to tell you, it simply would take a lot of time to explain things." She argued back, "But it wasn't like that when I was in the group." To which I simply said, "I know." She looked at me like I can't believe you are not going to answer my question. Then she accepted it and dropped it and moved on to other topics. I honestly thanked God. This was hard. To try to explain this to someone who no longer believes in God would be truly the unexplainable. There was no way I could. Not a chance.
This manner is the way I purposely answered and continued the conversation with her. It was not a time to resolve all problems. Problems in our childhood. Problems with the Christians we know and love and have met with our entire life. Problems with relatives. Problems with our parents. Problems with my brother. It was a time to spend getting reconnected and maybe closing a bit of a gap that has been there. This was my purpose. This was my aim. I was going to strive for it with all I had in me.
During one of the times Mindy was talking, her eyes caught something behind me and she abruptly stopped. Her eyes were fixed on this item, her facial expressions showed whatever it was she saw was creating a response emotionally in her. The reflections of her feelings could not be hid from her face. They showed a puzzlement. Then acknowledgement and understanding. Then a tears welded up in her eyes. Then just as quickly a clear I can't do this, I am not going there, I won't give in settled in. She then told Terry, "Terry, they changed the message on the board from what it said yesterday. I think I liked what it said yesterday better. But anyways"...and she went on with her topic of conversation.
I was curious what she had seen. I turned my head to read it and saw this:
 |
| handwritten sign at the restaurant |
She had Terry go to the car to get a little photo album of Mom & Dad's Wedding that was at the Memorial that Aunt Donna had brought from Granma Omi's house and that Mom had given to her. She let me pick a few photos of Mom & Dad's Wedding to have. This was a miracle because normally Mindy would have been gleeful that she got something I didn't and wouldn't have cared if I got anything. She wanted me to take more photos, but I only took 4. I told her I didn't need or want a bunch, I simply wanted one or two to have of my parents and the wedding party.
I left with my heart soaring...God's message of LOVE was written out for her to see. It depicted feelings in her she could not hide. God accomplished a small seed. What will happen from here, only God knows, but I know this...He is God! My God, and He was apart of our time!!!
From there we went to Starbucks to get some caffeine, got gas in her vehicle and I filled up Crystal's, and then we went to Terry's place so I could see where he lived. I got a tour and then we took photos and then I needed to leave to get back to Crystal's to have enough time to head to Ontario Airport. In the end, we spent 3 hours together...more than the 2 she said we would.
 |
| Terry, Mindy & I leaving the restaurant in San Jacinto, CA |
 |
| Two Sisters |
Friday, February 22, 2013
Dad's Memorial
Today is Dad's Memorial.
My work week was really crammed getting ready for another trip to California. I rushed home after being at a clients office for two solid days out of town to do laundry, pack and climb in bed to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up at 2.30amCST to get ready and leave by 3.30amCST and drive to DFW Airport to catch my 6amCST flight to Ontario, California. I was due into Ontario at 9amCST after a layover in Phoenix, Arizona. Everything went smooth on my flight...though I wished I could have slept some, I simply was very exhausted. Julie Sharpless was scheduled to pick me up at the airport and then we were going to head to her place until about 11amCST and then head to Apple Valley, California. Julie and I visited on the drive back to her place. We made sandwiches to take to my Mom and got grapes ready also. We left as soon as Steve Sharpless got there and hit the road.
As we came up "over the hill" [this is the term for the desert that is above the valley of San Bernardino, Riverside, and Los Angeles areas] it felt really weird to be in my home town area that I had not seen or lived in for 15.5 years. Some things looked exactly the same and some things had changed dramatically. The closer we got, I got more and more of a sick empty queasy feeling in my stomach. It would be hard to explain. A sense of unknown and not sure what to expect. A sense of some fear. A sense of anxiety and wish for this to be over. A sense of familiar territory, yet no longer home. Yet, even in all these various emotions, I didn't for one second rethink my desire to come and be a support as my role as a the first born child, regardless of the family dynamics and lack of a relationship.
We drove by the place where I had my first job at the Dermatology Office and second job at the Cardiologist Office that I only worked 3 months at before moving to Burleson, Texas. It was weird to see them still in the same place after all these years. We continued to drive out towards my parents area as the Mortuary was only about 1-2 miles from my parents house. Driving in the desert was a weird feeling, much like I experienced last weekend when I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. The open feeling is a sense of room, but at the same time, a deep sense of loneliness to me. It wasn't a fun feeling...it was a depressing feeling. I am sure depending on your experience of living in such an environment and personal preferences too, you may or may not relate to it.
We arrived at the Mortuary at about 12.30pmPST. There were several already there when we got there. As I walked towards the building, Julie Sharpless just squeezed my arm and whispered that she was praying for me. Wow...how encouraging!!! I knew I could do this but believe me the anxiety was starting to run pretty high in anticipation of the time. At the same time, I felt a peace come over me that would be hard to explain other than that I felt like I was being guided through the zone. I walked in the door and saw many faces I knew, we exchanged greetings and hugs. I didn't get much time to spend looking at the table that Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna had put together as various people kept greeting me. I then turned and saw a group of ladies and one of them said "Hi Misty". It might seem strange, but I had not focused in on who each of the ladies were, until that greeting was mentioned, and it was only then that I realized by the sound of the voice, this was my Mom. She looked much older, seemed shorter to me, and overall looked very sad and very pitiful. You must remember, I have not seen her in 15 years other than one time very briefly when she came up behind me at a July Christian Camp Retreat in Tulare, California many years ago [at the moment I can't remember how many years ago] and tapped me on the shoulder and said hello during a message. I approached Mom and gave her a hug and she returned it with a slight pat on the shoulder, she did not embrace me. She said, "I wasn't sure you were going to be able to make it." To which I replied, "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to either". I went on to tell her that I had been praying for her. One of the ladies that Dad used to work with at the job he was at when I lived at home was standing by my Mom and she said to my Mom, "Isn't she just beautiful?" To which my Mom looked me up and down and responded, "Well she has fake height, she is cheating." [she was referring to the black leather boots I was wearing with maybe an inch to inch and a half heel on them], and after making that statement she walked off with a gleeful mocking laugh. You might think this was very rude, and I am not saying it was kind, but believe me, I was expecting worse. I remained calm and just went on greeting people and saying hi to those who had come to attend the event and be of support to the family. Out of all the things she could have said or done, this was mild. My shoes were no taller than hers...so what was the point? Who cares if I had fake height? Why couldn't she acknowledge I looked pretty? Oh, I forgot, that would mean you would have to address previous discussions and issues, oh no, I didn't forget. I know. All too well, I know. After greeting a few more people, I felt the need to escape to the bathroom and have a moment of quiet. When I returned back to the lobby, most of the people had moved to the room where the service was to be held.
Mindy & Terry were running late and Mom said she wanted to wait for them. The people at the Mortuary were very nice and said that was fine. I waited in the hallway until they arrived and then went to greet them. Mindy was cold and stiff at first. When she saw the pictures of Dad she broke down sobbing. Terry was moody and quiet. Mindy left a bit later and went to the ladies room to wash her face. When she returned she walked right passed me to go sit down. Halfway down the isle she looked back at Terry and motioned for him to join her. When he didn't, she started walking back to insist on him coming with her. She stood waiting in the isle way until he did. When he reached her she reached out her hand to hold his and they walked the rest of the way holding hands. This moment felt a bit strange to me and almost like a slap in the face as they left me standing back in the hallway by myself. I hadn't been sure of where I wanted to sit as I knew I didn't want to sit right next to Mom. I decided that if Mindy & Terry were going to sit next to Mom, I needed to too. Mom was seated on the 2nd chair in on the front row on the left side and Terry took the first and Mindy was next to Mom, I was on the other side of Mom and Aunt Jessica next to me and then Uncle Truman. Bruce Stevens was playing the piano. Bruce & Rachel sang a song. Then the Mortuary had a video they played. Following that my Uncle Dana gave some things about my Dad. He was struggling to not be emotional and couldn't seem to get passed it. Carrie & Tricia [my cousins/his daughters] joined him and one stood on each side of him as they offered their support. Uncle Dana grew calm and proceeded to mention some things about my Dad, some of which I did not know. He did a remarkable job at conveying various points of interest for the lack of relationship and involvement that the two of them had had in each others lives. I was very impressed about the things Uncle Dana brought forth, how he clearly described the love my Dad had for the Lord and how he had led my Uncle Dana to the Lord after 3.5 years of working on him. He also relayed the details of a Men and Boys Camping Trip in which some of them got lost and my Dad used the situation to describe being lost from the Lord and that this was when Jimmy Bartley accepted the Lord into his heart at age 11. I knew my Uncle Dana had been saved by efforts of my Dad, but I did not know that it took 3.5 years! I also knew about the camping trip, but did not know that Jimmy Bartley was saved because of the things Dad shared. I also knew Dad had been a Computer Programer, but didn't know it had been for Walt Disney. I also didn't know that Granpa Whiskers made the house that him and Granma Omi lived in. After Uncle Dana finished his part, Steve Sharpless took over and shared some things on the Gospel of Salvation and the Hope that each of us have in the Lord Jesus Christ. My brother spent most of the time bent over his seat with his head down. Mindy looked straight ahead as if she was in her own world eyes fixed on something in a far away spot. Two times through the time, I reached over and gave her a hug across her shoulders, and I also reached out and squeezed her hands. At one point she turned to me and said, "Isn't it funny that you and I are both wearing black? You know how Mom hates black! Haha. And it's knit too! And she is sitting over there wearing her calico cottens." Mindy hardly could say all this without totally outright laughing as she was telling me and when she finished she laughed so hilariously. I was hoping that Mom hadn't heard her, but wasn't sure that she couldn't as Mindy was not quiet about it, and I whispered back, "Yah, I know". Who knows what triggered this thought but it obviously was a connection she knew she had with me and that I would understand. [For the record: Mom hates black. She feels if you wear black you have a bunch of sin in your life. She feels knit is not ladies clothing, it is t-shirt material that is only for guys to wear, not girls. We both were wearing black leather boots that also is not approved of.] Everyone was very warm and friendly to all of us. I felt many made quite the effort to be there in light of the drive it was for them and the fact that it was at 1pmEST on a Friday afternoon and not a weekend. There were many in attendance:
Truman & Jessica Jean
Dana & Donna Gilbert
Carrie Veazey
Andy & Tricia
Steve & Julie Sharpless
Jim & Sue Maurer
Bruce & Rachel Stevens
John & Marjorie Morey
Jan Sulzen
Bernel Johnson
Scott Johnson
Bob & Rose Shaw
Gail Malmstrom
Ray & Gail Sharpless
Don & Lou Carole Stevens
Wayne & Lynita Airy
Crystal Bauman & Emmy
Jim & Pam Beitzel
Mike & Janet Tuthill
Vern & Judy Delorenzo
Charles & Patsy Puente
Yvonne
Terry Gilbert
Wanda Gilbert
Mindy Gilbert
Misty Gilbert
Colleen [a friend of Mom's]
Jackie [a coworker of Dad's]
Bill [a boss of Dad's]
three other people Dad worked with at his latest part time job
[I believe I am missing a few people and will add them if I remember them later]
We all stayed and visited for some time following the service and as usual for this group of people, we have to be kicked out we can't leave on time. Mom had only reserved the room until 2.30pm and it was after that. Mom wanted all of us siblings to come see where Dad's placement was going to be on the wall, as he was to be cremated. She had to buy a space for two as they don't sell them in just one, so she has a spot for her when the time comes. We loaded up everything in Mom's car for her. I went to leave and then realized I had not said Goodbye to Mindy & Terry so I went back inside to find them. Mindy was inside speaking with one of the clerks asking to see Dad...they wouldn't let her of course as it had been two weeks and they let her know clearly that they couldn't do that. I let her know that I wanted to tell her Goodbye as I was headed with Crystal back down the hill. Mom had invited anyone who wanted to to come over to the house. This is not something that I wanted to do even though Mindy & Terry were going to go. When I got in the car to leave, Crystal told me that I could burst into tears if I wanted to, she would understand. I said, I was just grateful that it had gone that well and that it was over. Crystal had rode up with Jim & Pam Beitzel. We headed down the hill to go eat at The Hat with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna. We ate at the restaurant and enjoyed our friendship, fellowship and yummy food!
From there, Jim & Pam took us back to Crystal's place in Redlands. I was emotionally and physically beat from the day. I got settled on the couch and didn't move from there until it was time for bed.
My work week was really crammed getting ready for another trip to California. I rushed home after being at a clients office for two solid days out of town to do laundry, pack and climb in bed to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up at 2.30amCST to get ready and leave by 3.30amCST and drive to DFW Airport to catch my 6amCST flight to Ontario, California. I was due into Ontario at 9amCST after a layover in Phoenix, Arizona. Everything went smooth on my flight...though I wished I could have slept some, I simply was very exhausted. Julie Sharpless was scheduled to pick me up at the airport and then we were going to head to her place until about 11amCST and then head to Apple Valley, California. Julie and I visited on the drive back to her place. We made sandwiches to take to my Mom and got grapes ready also. We left as soon as Steve Sharpless got there and hit the road.
As we came up "over the hill" [this is the term for the desert that is above the valley of San Bernardino, Riverside, and Los Angeles areas] it felt really weird to be in my home town area that I had not seen or lived in for 15.5 years. Some things looked exactly the same and some things had changed dramatically. The closer we got, I got more and more of a sick empty queasy feeling in my stomach. It would be hard to explain. A sense of unknown and not sure what to expect. A sense of some fear. A sense of anxiety and wish for this to be over. A sense of familiar territory, yet no longer home. Yet, even in all these various emotions, I didn't for one second rethink my desire to come and be a support as my role as a the first born child, regardless of the family dynamics and lack of a relationship.
We drove by the place where I had my first job at the Dermatology Office and second job at the Cardiologist Office that I only worked 3 months at before moving to Burleson, Texas. It was weird to see them still in the same place after all these years. We continued to drive out towards my parents area as the Mortuary was only about 1-2 miles from my parents house. Driving in the desert was a weird feeling, much like I experienced last weekend when I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada. The open feeling is a sense of room, but at the same time, a deep sense of loneliness to me. It wasn't a fun feeling...it was a depressing feeling. I am sure depending on your experience of living in such an environment and personal preferences too, you may or may not relate to it.
We arrived at the Mortuary at about 12.30pmPST. There were several already there when we got there. As I walked towards the building, Julie Sharpless just squeezed my arm and whispered that she was praying for me. Wow...how encouraging!!! I knew I could do this but believe me the anxiety was starting to run pretty high in anticipation of the time. At the same time, I felt a peace come over me that would be hard to explain other than that I felt like I was being guided through the zone. I walked in the door and saw many faces I knew, we exchanged greetings and hugs. I didn't get much time to spend looking at the table that Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna had put together as various people kept greeting me. I then turned and saw a group of ladies and one of them said "Hi Misty". It might seem strange, but I had not focused in on who each of the ladies were, until that greeting was mentioned, and it was only then that I realized by the sound of the voice, this was my Mom. She looked much older, seemed shorter to me, and overall looked very sad and very pitiful. You must remember, I have not seen her in 15 years other than one time very briefly when she came up behind me at a July Christian Camp Retreat in Tulare, California many years ago [at the moment I can't remember how many years ago] and tapped me on the shoulder and said hello during a message. I approached Mom and gave her a hug and she returned it with a slight pat on the shoulder, she did not embrace me. She said, "I wasn't sure you were going to be able to make it." To which I replied, "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to either". I went on to tell her that I had been praying for her. One of the ladies that Dad used to work with at the job he was at when I lived at home was standing by my Mom and she said to my Mom, "Isn't she just beautiful?" To which my Mom looked me up and down and responded, "Well she has fake height, she is cheating." [she was referring to the black leather boots I was wearing with maybe an inch to inch and a half heel on them], and after making that statement she walked off with a gleeful mocking laugh. You might think this was very rude, and I am not saying it was kind, but believe me, I was expecting worse. I remained calm and just went on greeting people and saying hi to those who had come to attend the event and be of support to the family. Out of all the things she could have said or done, this was mild. My shoes were no taller than hers...so what was the point? Who cares if I had fake height? Why couldn't she acknowledge I looked pretty? Oh, I forgot, that would mean you would have to address previous discussions and issues, oh no, I didn't forget. I know. All too well, I know. After greeting a few more people, I felt the need to escape to the bathroom and have a moment of quiet. When I returned back to the lobby, most of the people had moved to the room where the service was to be held.
Mindy & Terry were running late and Mom said she wanted to wait for them. The people at the Mortuary were very nice and said that was fine. I waited in the hallway until they arrived and then went to greet them. Mindy was cold and stiff at first. When she saw the pictures of Dad she broke down sobbing. Terry was moody and quiet. Mindy left a bit later and went to the ladies room to wash her face. When she returned she walked right passed me to go sit down. Halfway down the isle she looked back at Terry and motioned for him to join her. When he didn't, she started walking back to insist on him coming with her. She stood waiting in the isle way until he did. When he reached her she reached out her hand to hold his and they walked the rest of the way holding hands. This moment felt a bit strange to me and almost like a slap in the face as they left me standing back in the hallway by myself. I hadn't been sure of where I wanted to sit as I knew I didn't want to sit right next to Mom. I decided that if Mindy & Terry were going to sit next to Mom, I needed to too. Mom was seated on the 2nd chair in on the front row on the left side and Terry took the first and Mindy was next to Mom, I was on the other side of Mom and Aunt Jessica next to me and then Uncle Truman. Bruce Stevens was playing the piano. Bruce & Rachel sang a song. Then the Mortuary had a video they played. Following that my Uncle Dana gave some things about my Dad. He was struggling to not be emotional and couldn't seem to get passed it. Carrie & Tricia [my cousins/his daughters] joined him and one stood on each side of him as they offered their support. Uncle Dana grew calm and proceeded to mention some things about my Dad, some of which I did not know. He did a remarkable job at conveying various points of interest for the lack of relationship and involvement that the two of them had had in each others lives. I was very impressed about the things Uncle Dana brought forth, how he clearly described the love my Dad had for the Lord and how he had led my Uncle Dana to the Lord after 3.5 years of working on him. He also relayed the details of a Men and Boys Camping Trip in which some of them got lost and my Dad used the situation to describe being lost from the Lord and that this was when Jimmy Bartley accepted the Lord into his heart at age 11. I knew my Uncle Dana had been saved by efforts of my Dad, but I did not know that it took 3.5 years! I also knew about the camping trip, but did not know that Jimmy Bartley was saved because of the things Dad shared. I also knew Dad had been a Computer Programer, but didn't know it had been for Walt Disney. I also didn't know that Granpa Whiskers made the house that him and Granma Omi lived in. After Uncle Dana finished his part, Steve Sharpless took over and shared some things on the Gospel of Salvation and the Hope that each of us have in the Lord Jesus Christ. My brother spent most of the time bent over his seat with his head down. Mindy looked straight ahead as if she was in her own world eyes fixed on something in a far away spot. Two times through the time, I reached over and gave her a hug across her shoulders, and I also reached out and squeezed her hands. At one point she turned to me and said, "Isn't it funny that you and I are both wearing black? You know how Mom hates black! Haha. And it's knit too! And she is sitting over there wearing her calico cottens." Mindy hardly could say all this without totally outright laughing as she was telling me and when she finished she laughed so hilariously. I was hoping that Mom hadn't heard her, but wasn't sure that she couldn't as Mindy was not quiet about it, and I whispered back, "Yah, I know". Who knows what triggered this thought but it obviously was a connection she knew she had with me and that I would understand. [For the record: Mom hates black. She feels if you wear black you have a bunch of sin in your life. She feels knit is not ladies clothing, it is t-shirt material that is only for guys to wear, not girls. We both were wearing black leather boots that also is not approved of.] Everyone was very warm and friendly to all of us. I felt many made quite the effort to be there in light of the drive it was for them and the fact that it was at 1pmEST on a Friday afternoon and not a weekend. There were many in attendance:
Truman & Jessica Jean
Dana & Donna Gilbert
Carrie Veazey
Andy & Tricia
Steve & Julie Sharpless
Jim & Sue Maurer
Bruce & Rachel Stevens
John & Marjorie Morey
Jan Sulzen
Bernel Johnson
Scott Johnson
Bob & Rose Shaw
Gail Malmstrom
Ray & Gail Sharpless
Don & Lou Carole Stevens
Wayne & Lynita Airy
Crystal Bauman & Emmy
Jim & Pam Beitzel
Mike & Janet Tuthill
Vern & Judy Delorenzo
Charles & Patsy Puente
Yvonne
Terry Gilbert
Wanda Gilbert
Mindy Gilbert
Misty Gilbert
Colleen [a friend of Mom's]
Jackie [a coworker of Dad's]
Bill [a boss of Dad's]
three other people Dad worked with at his latest part time job
[I believe I am missing a few people and will add them if I remember them later]
We all stayed and visited for some time following the service and as usual for this group of people, we have to be kicked out we can't leave on time. Mom had only reserved the room until 2.30pm and it was after that. Mom wanted all of us siblings to come see where Dad's placement was going to be on the wall, as he was to be cremated. She had to buy a space for two as they don't sell them in just one, so she has a spot for her when the time comes. We loaded up everything in Mom's car for her. I went to leave and then realized I had not said Goodbye to Mindy & Terry so I went back inside to find them. Mindy was inside speaking with one of the clerks asking to see Dad...they wouldn't let her of course as it had been two weeks and they let her know clearly that they couldn't do that. I let her know that I wanted to tell her Goodbye as I was headed with Crystal back down the hill. Mom had invited anyone who wanted to to come over to the house. This is not something that I wanted to do even though Mindy & Terry were going to go. When I got in the car to leave, Crystal told me that I could burst into tears if I wanted to, she would understand. I said, I was just grateful that it had gone that well and that it was over. Crystal had rode up with Jim & Pam Beitzel. We headed down the hill to go eat at The Hat with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna. We ate at the restaurant and enjoyed our friendship, fellowship and yummy food!
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| These are Fries w/Chili & Cheese on the left and AlaMode on the right. [I typically like my fries just plain with ketchup...but these AlaMode fries, were unbelievable!!!] |
From there, Jim & Pam took us back to Crystal's place in Redlands. I was emotionally and physically beat from the day. I got settled on the couch and didn't move from there until it was time for bed.
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| snuggling with Emmy! |
Thursday, February 21, 2013
What is the meaning of Honor?
hon·or/ˈɒnÉ™r/
noun
1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family.
3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.
4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.
5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.
If you follow my blog, you would have read the post about the true meaning of James 1:27 here. My Uncle called me Thursday afternoon about 2pmCST. He wanted to share a few thoughts with me about his post and let me know that he didn't have me in mind when he wrote that. He said that he wasn't posting that verse in relation to the situation with my Mom, the verse had been on his heart and mind because of the situation but not in relationship to it and he was wanting to share some thoughts with others and get feedback. He said that over the last few years that he has gotten to know me since we reconnected January 2009, he feels that I have dishonored my Mom. He said he hoped calling me wasn't adding to my stress and that I had time to talk. If truth be told, it was horrible timing. I was out of town at a clients office and had just gotten out of a meeting and I had a full day of things yet to accomplish, I was totally feeling jam packed against the clock to get all that needed to be done before I left there and had to rush home to do laundry, pack and leave very early for the airport. I didn't have 68 minutes to spend talking about this sort of thing, especially the day before my Dad's Memorial. Really? I stopped and prayed for the Lord to give me patience and help me know what to say. My thoughts weren't on this subject and I didn't feel prepared to share the things I thought and felt. I let him know that I have tried to exercise patience with the fact that I don't believe he has enough information or details as to the facts nor does he understand the whole situation to judge the situation accordingly. I told him that I would be willing to share any details of my past and childhood to help him understand even though it is hard to do. I let him know that I didn't believe he didn't have me and others in mind because of comments he had made to others and the timing of the thought being posted. I informed him that I had learned recently that he had called others (my uncle, my cousin, friends) to share concern that as a daughter, he didn't believe I was doing my part to help my Mom and that he had shared with others that he didn't feel "the christian's" were doing their part for my Mom. I told him that I was greatly disappointed that he would not call me and ask me his questions and share with me his concerns and that he would go to others for the details. I told him that I didn't believe this was approriate for him to discuss it with others like he had. He broke down crying and stated that he hoped this would not come between us. I told him that I didn't want it to either. I asked him for an example of something that he felt that I did or said that was dishonoring to my Mom so that I could evalute it as I truly would like to evaluate what I said, how it was taken, what my intentions were and ask the Lord for wisdom in understanding it if I was wrong. That has never been my goal. I want to be truthful and factual about what I experienced, but I am not trying to be dishonoring. He said he would have to go back through my posts on Facebook to find one. To me, if he truly felt that I had been dishonoring to my Mom, he would have had an example to give me. I told him that I will honor my Mom with the knowledge and fact that she is my Mom and taught me a lot of good skills, but I will not honor her controling attitude or support her conduct as I don't believe it is honoring before God. I looked up the word honor and dishonor on www.dictionary.com and shared them with him. We parted ways with the understanding that we didn't see the situation the same and that he was taking my Mom at her word and didn't have reports from other people on other things she was doing and saying.
dis·hon·or/dɪsˈɒnÉ™r/
noun
1. lack or loss of honor; disgraceful or dishonest character or conduct.
2. disgrace; ignominy; shame: His arrest brought dishonor to his family.
3. an indignity; insult: to do someone a dishonor.
4. a cause of shame or disgrace: He is a dishonor to his family.
5. Commerce . failure or refusal of the drawee or intended acceptor of a bill of exchange or note to accept it or, if it is accepted, to pay and retire it.
As my friend, I ask you...do you believe that I have been dishonoring to my Mom? How do you show respect & honor to someone whom you don't believe is right?
noun
1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family.
3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.
4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.
5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.
If you follow my blog, you would have read the post about the true meaning of James 1:27 here. My Uncle called me Thursday afternoon about 2pmCST. He wanted to share a few thoughts with me about his post and let me know that he didn't have me in mind when he wrote that. He said that he wasn't posting that verse in relation to the situation with my Mom, the verse had been on his heart and mind because of the situation but not in relationship to it and he was wanting to share some thoughts with others and get feedback. He said that over the last few years that he has gotten to know me since we reconnected January 2009, he feels that I have dishonored my Mom. He said he hoped calling me wasn't adding to my stress and that I had time to talk. If truth be told, it was horrible timing. I was out of town at a clients office and had just gotten out of a meeting and I had a full day of things yet to accomplish, I was totally feeling jam packed against the clock to get all that needed to be done before I left there and had to rush home to do laundry, pack and leave very early for the airport. I didn't have 68 minutes to spend talking about this sort of thing, especially the day before my Dad's Memorial. Really? I stopped and prayed for the Lord to give me patience and help me know what to say. My thoughts weren't on this subject and I didn't feel prepared to share the things I thought and felt. I let him know that I have tried to exercise patience with the fact that I don't believe he has enough information or details as to the facts nor does he understand the whole situation to judge the situation accordingly. I told him that I would be willing to share any details of my past and childhood to help him understand even though it is hard to do. I let him know that I didn't believe he didn't have me and others in mind because of comments he had made to others and the timing of the thought being posted. I informed him that I had learned recently that he had called others (my uncle, my cousin, friends) to share concern that as a daughter, he didn't believe I was doing my part to help my Mom and that he had shared with others that he didn't feel "the christian's" were doing their part for my Mom. I told him that I was greatly disappointed that he would not call me and ask me his questions and share with me his concerns and that he would go to others for the details. I told him that I didn't believe this was approriate for him to discuss it with others like he had. He broke down crying and stated that he hoped this would not come between us. I told him that I didn't want it to either. I asked him for an example of something that he felt that I did or said that was dishonoring to my Mom so that I could evalute it as I truly would like to evaluate what I said, how it was taken, what my intentions were and ask the Lord for wisdom in understanding it if I was wrong. That has never been my goal. I want to be truthful and factual about what I experienced, but I am not trying to be dishonoring. He said he would have to go back through my posts on Facebook to find one. To me, if he truly felt that I had been dishonoring to my Mom, he would have had an example to give me. I told him that I will honor my Mom with the knowledge and fact that she is my Mom and taught me a lot of good skills, but I will not honor her controling attitude or support her conduct as I don't believe it is honoring before God. I looked up the word honor and dishonor on www.dictionary.com and shared them with him. We parted ways with the understanding that we didn't see the situation the same and that he was taking my Mom at her word and didn't have reports from other people on other things she was doing and saying.
dis·hon·or/dɪsˈɒnÉ™r/
noun
1. lack or loss of honor; disgraceful or dishonest character or conduct.
2. disgrace; ignominy; shame: His arrest brought dishonor to his family.
3. an indignity; insult: to do someone a dishonor.
4. a cause of shame or disgrace: He is a dishonor to his family.
5. Commerce . failure or refusal of the drawee or intended acceptor of a bill of exchange or note to accept it or, if it is accepted, to pay and retire it.
As my friend, I ask you...do you believe that I have been dishonoring to my Mom? How do you show respect & honor to someone whom you don't believe is right?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
434 area code calls
I got two calls in the middle of the night last night from a number with a 434 area code. No messages were left. I knew the area code was from Virginia and wondered if it was Mindy, but since I haven't had her phone number for over two years, I wasn't sure. Whomever it was, I wasn't sure why they would think I was up at 11:56pmCST and 12:59amCST, but either way, I was dead asleep. Wednesday Morning I called the number back and it was Mindy. She wanted to know if I had talked to family the day before. I aknowledged I had. She stated then she assumed I knew about Granma Omi and the reason she was calling was to let me know so that I wouldn't hear as she heard through someone who heard through someone who heard through someone. She stated that she was upset that I hadn't called her. I explained that I didn't have her number to be able to do so. She then got even more angry at stated that she felt I needed to apologize for blocking her number. I told her I didn't block her number. You have to pay for that service and I would have to have her number to block it. She said she is tired of people walking in and out of her life. She continued to spill her anger for 4 minutes and 20 seconds and then she hung up on me.
I left the conversation with questions as to what I could have said to make more peace. She obviously was hurting and frustrated. She obviously had a bunch of pent up anger. My heart ached for her.
An hour later I attempted to call her back. I got a message that this persons voicemail was not setup yet. So I decided to text her.
"I am sorry you are angry at me. I wish I had had your phone number so that I could have let you know. I have tried to respect your wishes and not communicate with you. Per your last FB message you clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the family and so it makes it really hard on us. I love you and wish I could resolve this. I tried to call you to tell you this but your VM is not set up so I couldn't. I am sorry I was sleepingwhen you called in th emiddle of the night last night. I didn't konw who it was and therefore called you back today. I will continue to pray for you that you will be willing to make peace and not be angry. I love you more than you know. FYI you can't block phone numbers that are not in yoru phoneand you can't block phone numbers unless you pay for that. I never have. You can either believe me or not. Its your choice. I wish I could do something to make you understand. I wish you would not be angry."
She called me later in the day. We talked 14 minutes and 45 seconds. The conversation was much like the first one but with even greater anger and profanity. I tried hard to be kind, was calm and just told her that I knew she was hurting and I was sorry. In the end, she hung up on me again.
I was frustrated. I felt like I had had a second chance to try and create a peace in her, but I got nowhere. I was the wrong person in eveything.
A few minutes later, she called me back. This time, I knew I couldn't answer. And I didn't answer it. Instead, I sent her a text message:
I am not gonna take calls when you just argue and hang up. I am sorry but I don't play these games.
To which she responded:
Fine.
Bye.
You csn stop texting me.
I'm deleting everything you wrote. Bye!!!
This left me feeling that the Memorial was going to be a really hard day when I saw her. All I could do was pray. Lord, please be with me, help me to have wisdom, help me to show kindness, help me to know what to do and say.
I left the conversation with questions as to what I could have said to make more peace. She obviously was hurting and frustrated. She obviously had a bunch of pent up anger. My heart ached for her.
An hour later I attempted to call her back. I got a message that this persons voicemail was not setup yet. So I decided to text her.
"I am sorry you are angry at me. I wish I had had your phone number so that I could have let you know. I have tried to respect your wishes and not communicate with you. Per your last FB message you clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the family and so it makes it really hard on us. I love you and wish I could resolve this. I tried to call you to tell you this but your VM is not set up so I couldn't. I am sorry I was sleepingwhen you called in th emiddle of the night last night. I didn't konw who it was and therefore called you back today. I will continue to pray for you that you will be willing to make peace and not be angry. I love you more than you know. FYI you can't block phone numbers that are not in yoru phoneand you can't block phone numbers unless you pay for that. I never have. You can either believe me or not. Its your choice. I wish I could do something to make you understand. I wish you would not be angry."
She called me later in the day. We talked 14 minutes and 45 seconds. The conversation was much like the first one but with even greater anger and profanity. I tried hard to be kind, was calm and just told her that I knew she was hurting and I was sorry. In the end, she hung up on me again.
I was frustrated. I felt like I had had a second chance to try and create a peace in her, but I got nowhere. I was the wrong person in eveything.
A few minutes later, she called me back. This time, I knew I couldn't answer. And I didn't answer it. Instead, I sent her a text message:
I am not gonna take calls when you just argue and hang up. I am sorry but I don't play these games.
To which she responded:
Fine.
Bye.
You csn stop texting me.
I'm deleting everything you wrote. Bye!!!
This left me feeling that the Memorial was going to be a really hard day when I saw her. All I could do was pray. Lord, please be with me, help me to have wisdom, help me to show kindness, help me to know what to do and say.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Granma Omi is in Heaven!
I just got word that my Granma Omi passed away last night. This is my Dad's Mom. She has had Pulmonary Fibrosis and has been in ICU with Pneumonia. Please be in prayer for my Dad's Brother, Uncle Dana and my Aunt Donna. This has been a rough few weeks for everyone...your love, prayers and support are very appreciated!
Hugs to each of you!!!
Hugs to each of you!!!
Monday, February 18, 2013
the true meaning of james 1:27
A relative of mine posted on Facebook last Monday after my Mom postponed/canceled the Memorial set for Friday, February 15th, 2013:
Anyone out there believe this passage?
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
To the average individual, it would look like this person was reminding us all of something. To the person who wasn't related, who didn't have inside details, who didn't know the truth, they wouldn't see the open rebuke and criticism.
The verse holds truth. It is a command to each of us that love God. However, the details behind the post is what makes that information hard to read.
I had heard from others about the post before I actually saw it myself due to the fact that I was working against the clock up until my departure last Wednesday for Nevada, Arizona and California and a 5 day Vacation to see Friends and Family and spend time out in Dumont Sand Dunes in Baker, CA. I hadn't seen the post until today. Though I can appreciate the truth in that verse, I can't appreciate the message that person was trying to send, why? Because I know more of the details behind it.
The widow is my Mom.
The people this person believes are not living pure religion and being defiled are me, other family and "the Christians". This person believes that a Godly daughter would not be in this position with her Mom. Loving Christians would do all they possibly could to help out someone in need, experiencing affliction and distress.
The fact it this: I believe there are are many of us who believe this and live this out in our daily lives! Not every situation is at it seems and not everyone knows all the facts as to what they make judgments on. I know that God is loving and kind and takes care of those who are His and who seek Him with their whole heart!!! His grace, love and mercy is infinite to those who claim it!!!
I know I want to show the Love of God to my Mom, and I plan to do just that. I want to show her the forgiveness God has for each of us even though she doesn't walk that out in her life with me. I know I don't know what it is like to loose a spouse, but I know what hurt and pain are like and that God is the only one who can fill that hole. I know that to be spiteful back to my Mom will only increase the drama and will not be pleasing to the One who has paid for all my sins.
Though this relative has an opinion and viewpoint of the situation, I am keenly aware that not all the facts are known nor is the situation fully understood therefore the judgment is biased and not completely accurate. I can and will be loving in spite of this added element to an already complicated picture.
So what is the true meaning of James 1:27?
Is that to just give someone everything because they are an orphan or widow?
Is that to just take their word that they are hard up just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to not consider the situation and take all reports into reflection just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to believe that the truth is always being told just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to ensure they face no hardship in life just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to not hold them accountable for their own responsibilities just because they are an orphan or a widow?
What do you believe the true meaning of this verse is? Do you believe you live it as you should?
Real, true religion from God the Father's perspective is caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world. - The Voice
Anyone out there believe this passage?
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
To the average individual, it would look like this person was reminding us all of something. To the person who wasn't related, who didn't have inside details, who didn't know the truth, they wouldn't see the open rebuke and criticism.
The verse holds truth. It is a command to each of us that love God. However, the details behind the post is what makes that information hard to read.
I had heard from others about the post before I actually saw it myself due to the fact that I was working against the clock up until my departure last Wednesday for Nevada, Arizona and California and a 5 day Vacation to see Friends and Family and spend time out in Dumont Sand Dunes in Baker, CA. I hadn't seen the post until today. Though I can appreciate the truth in that verse, I can't appreciate the message that person was trying to send, why? Because I know more of the details behind it.
The widow is my Mom.
The people this person believes are not living pure religion and being defiled are me, other family and "the Christians". This person believes that a Godly daughter would not be in this position with her Mom. Loving Christians would do all they possibly could to help out someone in need, experiencing affliction and distress.
The fact it this: I believe there are are many of us who believe this and live this out in our daily lives! Not every situation is at it seems and not everyone knows all the facts as to what they make judgments on. I know that God is loving and kind and takes care of those who are His and who seek Him with their whole heart!!! His grace, love and mercy is infinite to those who claim it!!!
I know I want to show the Love of God to my Mom, and I plan to do just that. I want to show her the forgiveness God has for each of us even though she doesn't walk that out in her life with me. I know I don't know what it is like to loose a spouse, but I know what hurt and pain are like and that God is the only one who can fill that hole. I know that to be spiteful back to my Mom will only increase the drama and will not be pleasing to the One who has paid for all my sins.
Though this relative has an opinion and viewpoint of the situation, I am keenly aware that not all the facts are known nor is the situation fully understood therefore the judgment is biased and not completely accurate. I can and will be loving in spite of this added element to an already complicated picture.
So what is the true meaning of James 1:27?
Is that to just give someone everything because they are an orphan or widow?
Is that to just take their word that they are hard up just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to not consider the situation and take all reports into reflection just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is that to believe that the truth is always being told just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to ensure they face no hardship in life just because they are an orphan or a widow?
Is it to not hold them accountable for their own responsibilities just because they are an orphan or a widow?
What do you believe the true meaning of this verse is? Do you believe you live it as you should?
Real, true religion from God the Father's perspective is caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world. - The Voice
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Memorial has been rescheduled
I was at the airport headed home today when Terry called to let me know that the Memorial for my Dad has been rescheduled for Friday, February 22nd at 1pm at the Sunset Hills Memorial Park and Mortuary.
Please be in continued prayer for the family and friends that will attend.
Please be in continued prayer for the family and friends that will attend.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
song ~ how he loves
How He Loves
by David Crowder
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.
by David Crowder
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...
He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Memorial for Dad has been postponed/canceled
I got word today from Terry that the Memorial that was set for my Dad this Friday, February 15th, 2013 at 1pm at Sunset Hills Memorial Park & Mortuary in Apple Valley, CA has been postponed/canceled. When I asked my brother the reason, he told me it was because Mom found out I was coming.
No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings. She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed. And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God. Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.
My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled. My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad. It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away. This is what made me angry. It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.
This is disturbing to me.
On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day. I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming. He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth. I said, what? He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that. I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial. If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one. There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life. Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life. She is not desperate. She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money. If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out? You bet we would! And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her. However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs. These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.
No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings. She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed. And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God. Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.
My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled. My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad. It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away. This is what made me angry. It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.
This is disturbing to me.
On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day. I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming. He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth. I said, what? He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that. I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial. If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one. There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life. Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life. She is not desperate. She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money. If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out? You bet we would! And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her. However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs. These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Dad has gone to Heaven!
Thankful that Dad is in a better place! His misery is over. He is in heaven. He will suffer no more. God is loving and merciful to let him go!
He passed away at 10:10pm last night.
I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.
He passed away at 10:10pm last night.
I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
another update on Dad
Not sure what is true in all this, will just report what I have been told and not verified:
Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday. He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in. Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest. They revived him and put him on a ventilator. He is now in the ICU. They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain. The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.
Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.
Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday. He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in. Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest. They revived him and put him on a ventilator. He is now in the ICU. They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain. The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.
Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Dad has been moved
Today, Dad has been moved, by ambulance, out of the Hospital to a Facility near where my parents live.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
working through this time and the feelings it brings
I have been facing a gamete of emotions the last few weeks.
It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child. It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling. Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings. These things are apart of me. They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased. The things I faced are what made me who I am. However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right. But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?
I can only tell you I don't have those answers. I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer. There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them. I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense. It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel. In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it. It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.
These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood? I don't know. Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore? I don't know. Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds? I don't know. But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997. That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading. The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life. Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply. I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand. This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing. This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.
Am I willing to go see my Dad? Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him. But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received. I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on? It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it. Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now? I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him. I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words. When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting. From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on. No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it. I have not found that He wants me there. When that changes, I will go.
Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!
It truly is hard to explain to people who cannot fathom the upbringing and treatment you experienced as a child. It is hard to put into words the things I am feeling. Trying to explain to people that yes, though my Dad wrote me a letter to ask for forgiveness, doesn't wipe away all the years of pain, hurt, suffering, comments, actions, or feelings. These things are apart of me. They are what I experienced and those things cannot be erased. The things I faced are what made me who I am. However, though those things are apart of me, there are aspects where I have grown beyond them, worked through them and know that they weren't right. But even when you have worked through something, there are still times the questions come, but why?
I can only tell you I don't have those answers. I don't believe "because it is a sin cursed earth" is the answer. There are people who don't experience these things on a sin cursed earth, they experience loving parents who care deeply about them and show them. I must tell you that though I have been miles and miles and miles away for 15 years and am not in communication or have a relationship with my family, it still only takes just a few minutes to put me back in that zone and I get immensely tense. It takes sheer will power to think positive thoughts, to fight the negative feelings, to not well up and lash out, it takes holding my breath and praying for God's strength to get through this moment when I feel things I don't want to feel. In many ways, I regret this, but I have found no way to stop the feelings and found that this is the only way I make it through it. It is through these continued experiences that I am learning that I only can ask the Lord to help me with the feelings, knowing he understands more than anyone else could or would.
These times also make me wonder, how well have I truly worked through my childhood? I don't know. Will there ever come a time that I will not feel the hurt anymore? I don't know. Will there ever be a time that my Mom won't have a hold on me, like she so easily can in just a few seconds? I don't know. But I do know this, I will never second guess my move to Texas in September 1997. That mark on my life was the turning point of a new path that has led me to where I am today and I can only Thank God that I listened and followed where He was leading. The realization of that makes me increase my faith now, at a time when things seem full of chaos, when I don't understand the events that are happening, when the stirring up of past emotions and events is high, that I truly allow Him to have his perfect work in me and take these things to a new level, let them work for good in my life. Even if the resolution of the hurt never happens, I know God still understands and he knows that there are things that do still hurt, hurt deeply. I can try really hard to explain to others, but there is an aspect where they will never truly understand. This is what gets me through these times when people makes statements and say things that they think I should or shouldn't be doing. This helps me be loving to them when I feel the comments are not so loving.
Am I willing to go see my Dad? Yes, I am if there is something I can do for him. But at this point, Mom has the medical power of attorney and my input into that situation wouldn't be received. I truly believe that Dad doesn't have any desire or anything to live for [can you blame him???], so what benefit is there to encourage him to hold on? It isn't like Dad is going to come live with me, I can't make his life better and if I could, Mom wouldn't allow it. Dad hasn't stood up to Mom for the last 37 years, what would make him do so now? I am not convinced that my presence will make things better for him. I do know this, it would create stress in me beyond words. When you know what you are thought of by your Mom, you know deep down what you would be facing and the feelings it produces in me are not comforting. From the fact that I have bangs (which I have had since 2009) that she considers to be "wordly", to the clothes I would wear (lots of black which she states is because I have so much sin in my life and not enough gathers/pleats in my skirts to please her modesty guidelines), to the fact my hair is trimmed, to the fact that I am independent lady that is not under any authority of a man (which she despises), that I make money, own my own home, and the list goes on and on and on. No, none of this is inviting to me. I have prayed asking God to give me direction to help me know if this is what I should do even though I don't want to, because if He does, I will do it. I have not found that He wants me there. When that changes, I will go.
Your continued prayers for me, my blog followers, my friends, my sister's in Christ, is deeply appreciated!
Friday, February 1, 2013
too much stress
I thought I was handling all this stress well and trying not to get put back into a zone I left from for a reason...but after 10 days of pain in my jaw (due to evidently clinching my teeth), I have realized I am letting it affect me more than I should. I saw the dentist on Tuesday and he adjusted my bite to help with the pain and confirmed the muscle in my jaw is swollen. Over the years, my dentist has told me that I clinch my teeth and may be grinding too. He has seen improvements over the last few years and I had hoped I was not doing it as much as I used to. I have been learning to focus on what I do and how I respond. However, it may be time that I have to get a mouth guard and spend the money even though I didn't want to. Thankfully, it is not an issue TMJ and the joint.
I have never been one to be able to hide my feelings very well, my face shows everything even if my mouth is shut. I think this can be both a good and bad thing. I love my clients and hope they can be patient with me through this time. The fine line of caring and wanting the best for everyone who is not on that same page, and yet deal with the unexplainable motives, thoughts and actions by people who should care the most is tough.
May God give me the strength, grace and wisdom for this situation. He knows I need Him! Thanks again for the prayers.
I have never been one to be able to hide my feelings very well, my face shows everything even if my mouth is shut. I think this can be both a good and bad thing. I love my clients and hope they can be patient with me through this time. The fine line of caring and wanting the best for everyone who is not on that same page, and yet deal with the unexplainable motives, thoughts and actions by people who should care the most is tough.
May God give me the strength, grace and wisdom for this situation. He knows I need Him! Thanks again for the prayers.
psalm 36:5
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| We cannot grasp His love. "Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. {Psalm 36:5} |
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