Quotes

Quotes

It’s more important to have a marriage that lasts forever than embracing a popular opinion.
 - Andy Traub

Dating Questions: How do you explain I don't expect you to be...

A virgin.  

One of the guys I went out on a date with shook his head and told me that he didn't understand why I would be interested in him because he wasn't a virgin.  

I was a bit taken aback by his comment, for two reasons.  First off, a guy around my age who hasn't had sex with a girl is probably nearly unlikely.  That's a fact.  Is it possible?  Sure, but likely?  No.  Second, this wasn't a conversation I had mentally prepared myself would be "an issue".  Yes, how this aspect has been a part of your life or not a part of your life, that would be a discussion I would expect to be having in our dating relationship, but I did not expect this to be a topic of concern.  I get I probably should have been, but let's face it, I wasn't.  

At first, I was at a loss as to how to respond.  I was amazed that this bothered him so greatly.  And after other various dating conversations, I guess it kinda was the opposite of what I had experienced and so it didn't have me in a phase to be ready to address this.  I also guess I thought girls were the ones that took this to heart matter to heart, the most...to learn that this is important to a guy no matter how society looks at the dynamic of sex or how much "men love sex" and so many people say its okay to live as you want, it became really clear to me that guys still want that connection to be with "the one her" and  they desire to be in a relationship that matters and both parties mutually understand each other and not have experienced this with many people.  They don't like being thought of as a player, even if this is how they have lived. 

So how do respond to that statement?  How do you answer that question?

For me, once I got passed the surprise, it was simple.  

I initially responded that I am not a virgin either.  Yes, maybe not under the same circumstances by choice, and yes, only a one time encounter, but the fact remains.  It's not like I am "Miss Purity"...BUT I am pure in the sense that God has covered me, he has made me new, he has redeemed me, he has made me worthy, he has taken away the guilt put on me, he has restored me, he paid the price for me and I must no longer feel like "used goods" (this is the term my Mom states I am and continues to remind me of whenever she can, and probably will for the rest of my life to reinforce her belief that I will never be wanted by a man because of this awful experience).  This is an absolute lie and I will live in the truth!  I am not defined by what has happened to me and I will not live in this negative belief.  I am done with that story.  I have erased it and am moving past it for all I am worth!

From there I addressed the thought and question this way...  

The question to me isn't about whether you have or you haven't lived a life solely committed to one person in your past, though that is a conversation we must discuss, but what is your belief now?  How do you live your life now in that aspect?  What is your purpose in the relationship?  That is the true test to your character and belief about this aspect of your life, as it relates to a relationship with God and what he wants for you and from you, and what you want for yourself.  If you know those were choices you made in previous experiences, maybe you would choose something different now if you had them to make all over again, either way, you have faced the results of these choices and consequences for them, you have asked God to forgive you for them and you know that he has, and now you are living a life of purity in your heart and mind and body now!!!  This is what matters to me.  This is what I will base my view of you on, because this is how God views you!  

For me to judge you differently and hold something against you isn't acting in love as God loves and as God does with you.  

This doesn't excuse your conduct, it doesn't mean there won't be obstacles to overcome, it doesn't mean you won't have to work through the feelings it has created in your world, it means that you are a sinner saved by grace...made pure like white snow...just like me!  And I will choose to love you!!!  All of you.


I loved a thought in a book I read recently:  

Your virginity isn't the most precious part of you; your soul is, the place where Jesus lives.

- Not Marked

Wow...what if we kept that in perspective?  That doesn't mean God doesn't call us to live Holy Lives, he does!  But what price did he pay for us?

How would you have responded to such a question?  How do you help a guy work through these emotions and feelings of being unworthy of you?  How do you reinforce this appropriately and yet uphold godly conduct?

Quotes

Quotes

Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.
- Tim Keller

Dating Questions: When in the relationship is it okay to refer to the person with endearments?

In the dating scene I have thrown myself into...I want to develop a friendship with the guy and learn about him.  I want him to learn about me.  I want to be friends.  I want to connect.  I want to enjoy his company.  I want to go and do things together.  Even if there is attraction, I don't want him to feel that the only reason I am into wanting to hang with him is simply and only because he is cute.  I want him to know he matters.  I want to know he is special in my world.  And not just in an attractive and sexy way.  

So when is it appropriate to move from just calling them by their name to a term of endearment?

Those of you who know me well, know that I deeply love my circle of friends.  You know that I love connection.  You know that I love to engage in conversation.  You know I love to reach out and pray for you, encourage you, support you however I can.  

In doing this, I have my own way of using verbiage.  Like "Hey Friend, how are you?"  or  "Hey dude, whatcha up to?"  or "Hey Chica, what's new?"

I was on a date and a guy told me that he had something we needed to talk about and that he needed to tell me.  He said, please don't call me dude or friend.  When you do, I feel you are sending me a message to tell me that we are just friends and there is no more to the relationship than that, and he held up his hand at full arms length like a stop sign to define the impact of this message and how he felt shoved back when I used this term.

I felt the air get sucked out of me.  I couldn't breath.

For a moment, all I could say was "I am sorry, that is not how I meant it.  Thank You for telling me."

This was the absolute farthest thing from any intention that I had.  I wanted him to know I valued his friendship.  I wanted him to know that I cared about what was going on in his life.  I wanted him to know that I appreciate our relationship. I wanted him to know he was on my mind.  I wanted him to feel a part of my inner circle of friends. I wanted him to know that he was sharing a part of my world.  This is what I had wanted to communicate.

I failed to send that message.  Completely.  What I had sent was the wrong message, the exact one I didn't want to communicate!  This was so frustrating.    

No wonder for a few days he only responded to my texts and didn't initiate any.  He freaking thought I only wanted to be a friend.  This was an obvious difference between men vs woman and terminology...but at the same time, I wondered what terms of endearment can you use that send a message of interest without going all out and saying "Hey Sexy" or "Hey handsome"???  Am I the crazy one that thinks a relationship will have a progression of terms of endearment?  Am I the one that thinks its fun to not always just use someone's name?  Am I the only one who wants a well rounded relationship?  Or am I letting the rules I have been told about men and dating rule my terminology in a dating relationship and not just doing what I want to do?

Oh the dilemmas of dating and communicating with men.  I won't give up.  I will learn from my mistakes.  I pray that patience and understanding is given back to me as I honestly look at these situations that come up.  It is a reality, I am doing this 20 years later than most people and its a tough spot to be in.  I don't and won't do things perfectly, but I am willing to be taught.  I am willing to apologize when I make a mistake and face the fact that I hurt your feelings.  I want to hear what you have to say.

What are your thoughts on terms of endearment?  How did you interact with someone you were getting to know before you knew if you were a boyfriend and girlfriend?  What language do men want at a phase in this game?

a message for me: Not Marked

I had a strategic business partner with one of my clients give me a book called Not Marked by Mary Demuth.  The subtitle is Finding Hope & Healing after Sexual Abuse.  I was amazed that she thought of me and would buy me a copy.  Truly was sweet and I have thanked her for being so thoughtful.

I took it with me on my trip to California over Mother's Day a few weeks ago and read it on the plane both coming and going and finished it.  I normally don't underline in my books, part of that perfectionist identity issues I have, but since I didn't have my notebook with me to make notes of the thoughts that impacted me and didn't want to take the time to write them in my Inkpad app, I decided I would do just that.  Underline in a brand new book and make it all used and mine.

It was hard to do, but I did.

I am amazed at how God brings people and things into your life just at the time you need them.  And amazed is really not even a word that describes what I think and feel about that enough.

The book had some insightful information and thoughts, the writer shared her own story and the journey she has been on through her marriage and how it has impacted her healing.  I will share my nuggets from the book with you in another blog post when I do my book review.  However, the part of the book that to me was the most amazing was how she described the impact of others and how they are used as a tool in your healing, particularly a spouse.  She covers who are safe people, what safe people do and how you need to view yourself and the things that come up that trigger you and bring you back into that zone, and how to work through them.  The reason to me that this is so amazing, is for me to get this resource at a time like this when the fact is that I am in the middle of dating and searching out safe people, and it is causing triggers in my life that I have to face and work through, how could this have not been put in my hands at a more perfect time?  It flat out couldn't.  

And that is what makes this another God Moment in my journey!!!

Lessons Learned in Online Dating

If you follow my blog, you know that I began the online dating scene April 10th, 2014.  

A big step for me.  Something that both is intriguing, very fun and exciting at the same time as being scary, creating challenges and forcing me to work past my fears!!! 

The last few weeks have been a time for me to work through so many things from beliefs I have had about men and dating vs to actually experience the reality of men and dating.  I have made choices or done things that I would do different if the same scenario played out again.  Not choices I regret, not things that are wrong, just little things that later you think you could have done or said differently.  But isn't this life?  Isn't that why we get to live out our days learning from the choices we make and doing things better next time?  

I already have learned some incredible things about myself and about men.  And I am sure I will learn more!

• No matter how hard it is to tell your story, or the results of an incredulous look on the guys face or to see him choking on a glass of water when you share details, you can't keep back the truth and you need to know if they will accept you for who you are.
• A guy is more apt to be bold and tell you what he thinks of you via text than in words, but it doesn't mean they won't.
• The main thing a guy wants to know upfront is if you find him attractive.  They don't get that attraction for a girl goes beyond how handsome you are and that what wins her heart is more than your looks.  
• Don't be shocked when the six profile pictures aren't enough to intrigue them and when you won't share more, you know their true intentions.
• The gut instincts you have about a person are there for a reason and if you second guess yourself or tell yourself you are overthinking it/reading between the lines too hard/not getting a clue, you will see these reasons display themselves in an even bigger proportion and it probably won't be any easier to deal with, only harder.  Be true to your intuition and attentive to the signs, they are there for a reason.  Either way, you will get another chance to know for sure if you were or if you weren't correct in your gut instincts.  A true message you need to get will present itself more than once.
• The chance of a guy wanting you to kiss him before you think he will or you are ready, is very high.
• The saying, out of the mouth the heart speaks, is applicable to guys too.
• To observe a man in his interactions with his friends, the waitress, or his kids, tells you a bunch about his communication style, how patient he is and what makes him frustrated, whether he puts you first or himself, whether he can roll with the things that happen, and what he can/will laugh at.  Make the most of these encounters because you might only get one date to learn all you can!
• Sometimes it only takes one date to know if there is potential with a person.  Sometimes it takes more than one to know.
• Guys are not used to someone being generous and loving.  It's fun to be different and let them experience something they need and want.
• Guys do a much better job than us gals do at saying no and doing what they want.  They do much better at staying focused on one thing and following through, not feeling like they have to say yes to everyone and everything.  They create time and space for themselves with no regrets.  The lessons I have learned by observing, listening and taking their admonishment to me in this area has been phenomenal.  I have been told Misty, can you imagine what your life would be like if you had a man in your world, helping you to set boundaries and achieve what you desire?  I have never, but I now have a glimpse of what that might be like.
• Guys tend to not be planners.  They live in the moment and will plan when that moment arrives.  This has been a huge adjustment for me.  I don't know if it is training, personality, or preferences (or all of the above) but I am learning to live for today and let things just happen.
• No matter how many walls you have built up, how much fear you have, what past experiences you have had with relationships, there is always an opportunity to take your life and make a change when you allow God to show you how to do that.
• There are no words for the depths of a human relationship and connection that God designed.  The results of relationships built on a foundation of love, acceptance, and trust are amazing.
• The greatest thing you can do in a relationship is to just listen.
• No matter the outcome of a date, kindness matters.  No matter what your reasons are for the two of you not being a fit, kindness matters.  
• All relationships are not created equal, but if you show up authentic, real, open, honest, create trust, be respectful, and communicate, you will have no regrets.  When you stay committed to these principles, you will learn and develop your relationship skills beyond what you thought you already had achieved.

I have begun to realize that the involvement in learning to get to know a man and letting one into my personal space, to see my heart, to get to know me, to receive their compliments and words of affection, to let myself be hugged and touched, to allow them to think I am dang cute and not be adverse to this attention, to be comfortable alone in their presence, to be willing to share my story even if it means they won't accept me, is all going to be a key in moving past my fears and allowing myself to be loved which will be part of healing from my past...and allowing me to live life at a deeper level with love.  Something I never dreamed I would want but something I have come to believe I need more than anything else.

Part of me wonders how hard this is going to be, but the deepest part of me knows that the most rewarding work is the stuff that is the most difficult.  You don't get to move through to healing without pain.  You don't get to experience health without addressing the issues that don't create a body of health, and this includes mentally, physically, spiritually and yes, emotionally.  

I have been out with 5 guys in the 8 weeks since my first date.  Of those 5 guys, I have been out with one guy twice and one guy four times, however there is only 1 guy still in the picture.  I have achieved exactly what I set out to do in creating an online dating profile and for now, I will be taking a break.  I want to learn what I can from these relationship experiences, knowing that each of them were brought into my path for a purpose that was perfect for me, lessons and experiences I needed as a part of this phase in my life.  I want to reflect and continue to grow me and prepare me to be the person that God wants me to be for whatever my life holds next.  I pray that God continues to lead and guide me in all aspects of this and that I will be willing to take a relationship further with a man if this is what he has planned for me in my life, when and if someone wants that role in my life.  If not, I still will be grateful for what each of these guys have helped me to do.  They each have played a part in moving me further on in my journey and I pray that I have done the same for them.

As always, I covet your prayers for me in this courageous journey we each must live.  The choice is yours today...go live courageously!

Quotes

Sometimes, all a girl wants is for you to fight for her. Make her believe that you want this relationship more than she does. 
- Single Matters

Dating Questions: Do you believe there is One Person for you?

So I have been actively doing the dating scene for 6 weeks since going live on two online datings sites.  The questions these guys ask sometimes are interesting, and this was one of them.  Do You believe there is One Person for you?

On a date, this guy asked me if I believe that there is one person for you.  An interesting question.  He believes there is.  I don't.  We discussed it and I am going to share my thoughts with you as to why I don't believe that.

Do I believe that you are attracted to certain types of people?  Yes. 

Do I believe that there is someone out there for you?  Yes.

Do I believe that there is only one person out there for you?  No.  

Here is why.  

Is there one house for you?  One car for you?  One job for you?  No.  Depending on what state you decide to settle in there may me one or two different houses for you, but you will find the best one that is the best match at that time within your budget, the location within the area you will work or are willing to commute to, one that is closest to your friends if that is of importance to you, one that fits the rural or city lifestyle you desire, etc.  There are multiple choices, but at the time that you decide you are house hunting, or car shopping, or job searching, you will find the one that is the best fit for where you are in life at that time.  The one that will provide for your needs at that time.  If you decide none of these work for you, you will wait and keep either decide to keep pursuing it or put it on the back burner until a future date when you are ready to begin the search again.  You may decide to force it to happen and pay the consequences of not having done enough research into the house.  You may get a bad house because you didn't get it inspected or it had issues that you either ignored or thought were not a big deal or were not aware of.  All of these things are possibilities and how you approach the decision making process and how much you seek input from others, do your own research, utilize those that can give you facts about the house, and what you are willing to spend to make it happen.  

It's simple.  And I believe dating and choosing a spouse is much the same way.

I am 37.  Never dated.  Never had a boyfriend.  Does that mean for the last 20 years that there have not been men that I could have dated or had as a boyfriend?  No.  Does that mean that because I wasn't dating or interested in dating that the one person that was out there for me is now with someone else?  No.  Does that mean that because I passed up that one person that maybe there is no one person for me?  No.  Does that mean that I will now find that one person since I am in the process of evaluating the dating scene and checking things out?  No.

I believe it is exactly the same as house hunting.  Where I am in life now will attract the person that is right for me now.  The person that will fit what I need now.  The person that will help me to grow and become a better person than I am now.  It is a choice and when and if I ever make that choice, I will decide to grow with that person for life.  Our relationship may change, but they will always be mine and I will always be theirs.  I believe there are many options for a spouse and that we make the choice to love that person and make it work.  Does that mean it isn't a perfect fit if you don't find the one?  Yes, it can be, but I don't believe there is one person that fits that or we would not be attracted to various types of people.  Is there one person that is above the rest?  Yes, I believe there are levels to the relationship that make someone a better match for you then someone else, but to think that only one person can fit that mix, No, I don't believe that.  The rest of life and how God created relationships doesn't align like that and I don't think this does either.  So now dude, I don't believe there is one person for you, but when you find the person you want, they will be your one person!

a night of Praise & Worship with Emma

I have some really amazing and creative friends...Emma is one of them.  She sent me this unique text message last week, being very creative in how she asked to spend time together and to let me know that she has been missing me.  She knows I have been a little preoccupied lately with some other stuff and she wanted me to know that she wanted to spend time together...having friends like that is sweet!
  

text message from  Emma

Emma & Misty

Converge at The Edge Coffeehouse

Converge at  The Edge Coffeehouse

We had a lovely evening of Praise & Worship and Prayer!!! It was absolutely amazing...the nuggets I took away from our time were these:

God will sustain you.  Yes, cast all your cares on him, FOR HE WILL sustain you.  

At church this morning they reminded us that God paid the HIGHEST price for you...tonight, they asked us to remember this.  I want to reflect on what message this has for me in my life right now.

Every person is unique and special.  Grab a hand and hold on for LIFE!

a double rainbow as we were leaving...

two month break from blogging

I took a two month break from blogging.  Was it intentional or unintentional?  In many ways, it was both.

After I returned from my 2nd LiveBIG Conference the end of March 2014, I was overwhelmed with the developments from that event, the work I did during that time frame and I felt a need for quiet.  Deep quiet.  I decided to take a few weeks break from blogging.  I felt the time needed to be spent in doing my coaching, working through the questions that had developed in my heart and mind, focus on addressing some issues with clients and my business at a time when I had let habits become patterns and boundaries needed to be put back into place, make space for opening myself up to the online dating scene, and quiet my world that became hectic and chaotic.  

In order to just survive, I eliminated anything and everything that could go.  This meant blogging was not one of these things and could not continue to not happen.

I know some of you missed me.  You reached out to make sure I was okay.  You understood when I simply explained I couldn't at that time.

Do I feel taking this break from blogging was the best thing for me?  Yes and no. I feel the time away was good because it forced me to realize that some things in life are not that important.  However, writing is very therapeutic for me.  I find it something I enjoy and a way to connect with the world and encourage and inspire you.  I find the deep therapy of writing something that I need desperately.  I believe that if I had continued it during this two month spell it would have helped me dramatically with some of the issues I have been experiencing and working through instead of me just shutting down completely in order to survive.  However, God knows this too and I believe that the break was used to have me understand myself to a degree that needed to happen as I move onward to a new level in my courageous journey and growth process.

I must be honest and tell you that part of one of the reasons I couldn't write and share with you during this time frame was I wasn't able to form all my own thoughts.  For the thoughts I could formulate, I simply wasn't wanting to let everyone into them for many various reasons.  So between this mix, a break from the blog is what transpired. 

It is my goal to catch up my blogging with some posts that need to happen to bridge the gap and then resume my blogging routine.  

I pray that I may continue to impact your world as God would have me to to love, support and encourage you.  This is my daily goal as I live life and I want to pursue that with even more purpose. 

prayers for me in dating...

Those of you who are my friends and know me, know that I live authentically and live courageously with a determined spirit. Today, I am gonna be very vulnerable and share with you what I am facing in my life: 

Dating is making me learn more, a bunch more, about me. It is making me ask some really hard questions, of myself. It is making me dig deep for answers that are difficult. It is forcing me to communicate with men on a different level and learn to understand their language outside of a business zone. It is triggering things in me and making me face my walls, the pain and trauma of my childhood, it is making me feel vulnerable, it is bringing up my fears, allowing me to face feelings I have kept guarded, it is triggering emotions and memories. Dating is teaching me lessons. In doing so, I have reached out for help so that I can process and heal and allow growth in me to happen. Dating is scary and at the same time can be a whole bunch of fun. I only pray that with each guy that has come into my world, that I have made an impact in his life that is positive and helpful to him on his journey, even if we can't be friends and even if we aren't meant to pursue a deeper relationship with each other. My heart wants you to see God in me and to love and support everyone my life touches, no matter who you are!

I request your ongoing fervent prayers for me! Prayers that through all of this I can not lose heart to be who God wants me to be and continue on my courageous journey to #BeCourageous, #BeGenerous, #BeLoving, and#LiveBIG. Thank YOU to each of you who are supporting me in this endeavor. Your friendship, love and support mean the absolute world to me!!!

Quotes

Giving opens the way for receiving. 
- Florence Scovel Shinn

3rd Texas Ranger Game

I got 4 free tickets to the game and this is the view from my seat...

Kara & Me...

with more friends...

Jennifer & Brent...

a wknd w/family

a 4 Day Trip to Southern California to spend time with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna...

sushi dinner with Aunt Donna & Uncle Dana

the cousins with their daughters
Shae, Trisha, Misty, Carrie, Morgan

getting a walk in on the hills of sunny California

a short visit with an old girlfriend...Veronica & Misty

Quotes

Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.
-  Brené Brown 

if a man's relationship with God & You

I want a MAN like this...nothing less!

an evening out with friends...

Misty, Michelle, and Dave

Quotes

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.
 -Zora Neale Hurston