Bible Study 03.03.2013

Not everyone was able to make the Bible Study tonight, so we did not proceed with our typical study as there were only 5 of us there.  So we ended up doing a different format.  We stood around in the kitchen and discussed a few things:

• How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares when all they have seen is pain and heartache and they don't believe a real God would allow suffering?
• What does Romans 8:28 mean when it says all things work together for good?
• And we discussed the trying of your faith brings forth patience.  James 1:3 and and Romans 5:3 & 4

How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares?

a call from Mom

I received a call from my Mom today as I was en route to the wrecker site to sign paperwork to have my car towed tomorrow to the auto body shop.  I debated about whether to answer it.  The calls normally come through without the phone number listed as Private Number.  Today it came through with the phone number listed and I knew it was hers even though she is not in my phone.  So why would I debate?  Because I couldn't think of a reason she would be calling me and I wasn't sure we needed to have a conversation.  Everything she has relayed to others about me of late is full of anger and hatred, so why would I want to talk to someone like that?  She didn't call me to let me know that Dad had passed and canceled the Memorial when she learned I was coming.   Pretty simple.  That is why I debated.  In the end, I decided to answer and move forward.

She let me know she was sorry that I had had a wreck.  [I wondered who had told her this information.]  I replied that I was sorry too.  She then said "Honey, if you are willing to work with me I am willing to work with you.  If you need to come home, you can.  You can rent from me or whatever you need to do."  [Excuse me?  You will work with me if I work with you???  What type of a deal is this?  I have had a wreck and you think that means I need to come to live with you???  You think that is home to me?]  I took a deep breath, and said, "Thanks Mom, but I don't think that will be necessary." She then went on to say that she was glad that I came to the Memorial.  I responded "I am very glad I came too Mom.  I am very Thankful for ALL Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna did for the event.  They truly went out of their way and I appreciate their efforts."  She said, "Yah, me too."  She then said, "Please be in prayer for me honey about selling the house and all that is going to have to be done with the help of Truman and others. I don't know how I am going to do all this or what decisions I am going to have to make, so please pray for me."  I said "I will continue to pray for you Mom."  And we hung up.

The situation is absolutely laughable.  She obviously is feeling lonely and needing to control someone and so she is trying to make up a situation so that she can do just that.  My Mom's house is not home to me.  Just because my car was in a wreck and may or may not be repairable, doesn't mean that I need to move anywhere, let alone in with my Mom. I have been gone 15.5 years and taken care of every need I have had.  Mom has nothing to offer me.  

Wow.

continued thanks...

Continuing to THANK God for being with me yesterday in spite of a major event on an already rough day, 11 days since Granma Omi passed away, which was 11 days since my Dad passed away. I don't understand all the events and things that keep happening, but I am beyond grateful nobody was injured (me or 3 people in the vehicle I rear ended)!!! I am beyond blessed for meeting a lady of faith that told me that I was forgiven before this ever happened...she has no clue what impact she... had on me during that moment. I am privileged to have wonderful friends who care and check in on me. 

I am fine...just very much emotionally and physically drained by the events for the last 7-8 weeks. I don't understand God's plan, but I have faith He has one and that it is going according to His will. Even in this, I will praise Him!

an Auto Accident on the way home from a clients office

Today was one of those really rough days...ones when you feel nothing is going right.  It started by a text message from an employee of a client's office asking when I was to be onsite as the Phone Service Technician was already at the office, though nobody had informed me of the time they were going to arrive and I typically don't arrive before 9am unless I have something scheduled and/or didn't work late the night before.  I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that I was deeply frustrated.  My neck was killing me.  I wanted to scream I was in so much pain.  I had taken pain medicine and let the hot water from the shower try to massage my neck, but the tense pain was there.  My client needed me to stay a third day, which meant that I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment I had scheduled.  On top of this, I had a few more changes that needed to be done to the voicemail script before we launched into that project, and since he was already there, I knew that was going to crimp getting it done.  I hurried as fast as I could but the reality is, I had just gotten up a few minutes prior to the text message and knew there was no way that I would make it to the office before 9am by the time I checked out of the hotel and attempted to get some coffee and breakfast.  I checked out of the hotel, grabbed a package of oatmeal and a paper cup and spoon, went through the McDonald's Drive Thru to get a large French Vanilla Latte and a yogurt parfait and rushed to the clinic.  In reality, I am not sure why I did all this because I never got to eat any of it!

When I arrived at the office, the guy was keenly perturbed with me.  I apologized, but it seemed to do no good.  This did nothing to life my spirits.  When I couldn't locate the information  he was looking for in a locked file cabinet that I had keys to, his frustration with me seemed to increase.  When I requested things he said couldn't be done and told him that I knew they could as I had worked with Avaya Messaging systems at other practices, he got immensely irritated with me.  I told him that I was sorry, I simply was trying to carry out my clients wishes and get things resolved.  He didn't care.  In the midst of working on this, the new locum provider that started two days previously couldn't get the EMR system to take her password so she could sign off on a note and send the prescription on a patient.  I needed the assistance of my client who was off for the day.  In trying to trouble shoot that, a call came in from one of the guys from the IT Department we work with needing my assistance on a project.  In the midst of that, our Attorney called regarding an issue we are working on with a Wage Claim Report filed by an Ex-Employee.  And if that wasn't enough, I had someone come in my office wanting to talk to me.  Overload?  Yes, beyond words.  This was just the first 30 minutes of my day.  Without going into all the details, let me tell you that this is how it was the rest of the day proceeded.  I thought I would get to eat a bite after my lunch meeting from 1-2pmCST and before 3pmCST when AFLAC representatives were supposed to arrive.  However, they arrived early.  While in the middle of working with two AFLAC account representatives in my office, one of the providers came up and barged in my office and said that we needed to call CPS right now on a patient.  Everything else went on hold and I launched into that.  When 5pmCST rolled around and the staff were leaving, believe me, when I say that I was more than ready to exit right with them!  I am typically one who presses on no matter the situation, even against all odds, when most people would give up, I dig in my heels and become stubborn and hence get the nick name for being a bull dog.  I didn't feel that today.  No breakfast.  No lunch.  Neck pain screaming to kill me.  Problems with every single item on the agenda.  Resolutions not coming through even though I was trying disparately to get them done.  I was left completely and utterly exhausted.  Ready to just crawl in bed, my own bed, as living out of a suitcase and traveling and staying in bed/hotels for days on end the last two weeks that were not my own were catching up with me.  My fuse was short.  I wanted to have quiet and sleep...even if that meant I still had pain, I needed quiet.  I needed alone time with God.

I left earlier than I typically do from this clients office, a little bit before 6.30pmCST.  The drive home is on average an hour and 15 minutes, but can take and hour and 30 minutes.  I knew on a Friday night at this time of day, I was looking at a full 90 minute drive if not longer.  I took 175 north to I20 and headed West.  There was traffic.  Lots of traffic as I expected to have since it was Friday night and I typically wasn't on the road at that hour and therefore knew I would spend a fair amount of time not flying down the highway but in stop and go mess.  I was in the fast lane and had come to a screeching halt several times with the lanes beside me continuing to roll on by.  Each time I stopped, I would respond to text messages through my voice response option on the text messaging screen.  I had just finished a response and laid the phone on the shotgun seat when we took off again...but not for long.  We were going to be stopped shortly again.  After having done this several times and noticing a pattern in the traffic, I figured there probably was a wreck in the fast lane and I decided I would change lanes to avoid it.  I have been dealing with severe neck pain this week from all my travels, late nights and stress of several events compiling up.  I had to strain to look over my right shoulder to move into the right lane, but it wasn't clear and so I realized I wasn't going to be able to do that.  I looked back to the car in front of me and realized it was stopped more than I thought it was and I clearly was headed straight for the rear end head on and unless I did some quick magic, I was going to hit it.  I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could and tried to let up and press again even harder to decrease the impact. Very little seemed to be achieved by all this.  There was lots of crunching.  Lots of smoke.  Lots of burnt smell.  Utter devastation set in that I had caused a wreck and my car was ruined.  I just sat there, shaking all over.  I couldn't seem to think...couldn't seem to move and then suddenly I felt like I needed to hurry and get out of the vehicle fast.  The smell and smoke was getting worse.  My cell phone had slid onto the shotgun seat floor, I tried to grab it but my seat belt wouldn't let me move.  I unbuckled, grabbed my phone and started to hop out of the car.  As I did this, I thought better of that and grabbed my purse also and tried to quickly move and get out.  It was difficult as the drivers side door didn't want to open all the way, I had to force it to squeeze my body out.  I rushed to the car I hit and saw there were 3 passengers inside.  The driver rolled down her window as I approached and I immediately apologized and asked if everyone was okay.  I asked again if everyone was okay.  They nodded.  The passengers in the shotgun seat I could tell was greatly perturbed with me, but they all were calm and were not ugly to me.  The driver was particularly kind.  She got out and said we needed to look things over.  She saw that my car was very well damaged on the front end had come up right under her bumper.  I asked her if she felt she could move over the shoulder on the left so we could get out of the way of traffic.  She wasn't sure if I would be able to move as my car was spewing a bunch of liquid on the ground, but I told her I was going to try, I had nothing to loose at this point.  The problem was by this time, traffic was going around us on the shoulder which was preventing us from moving out of the way.  I decided to step into that lane and put my hand up and instruct people to go right around my vehicle.  It took a bit to get the cars to pay attention and quit just following the leader and change their path.  After a bit, a few cars started following heed and then everyone was following them, I quickly jumped in my car and moved over onto the shoulder.  There was lots of deb re in the lane.  I waited to get traffic to slow down again so that I could go into that lane and move all the big pieces out of the way.  I then went back and exchanged information with the lady who was sitting back in her car.  I got her name, her phone number, her email address, her insurance, the name and phone number of her two passengers...my handwriting being very much scribbles due to my shaky hands.  I asked again if everyone was okay and to let me know later if that changed.  I was still shaking all over.  I couldn't get the shakes to stop.  I then went to take pictures of her vehicle and mine.  She got out of her car again and told me she was worried about leaving me.  I told her not to worry about me, I would be fine.  She said but you are still shaking, I can tell.  I said, yes, I am, I have never hit another vehicle like this...you have no idea how I am feeling.  She said, believe me, it is just a car, we are all fine.  I reached out and hugged her and told her thanks for being so sweet.  She put her hand on my shoulders and said "you were forgiven before this ever happened, I promise it is all good".  Wow!  To have the fortitude to say that in this moment, she has no clue what an impact she made on me!!!  She has now clue how I daily, hourly beat myself up.  I always feel like a failure, no matter my results.  I always feel like I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try.  If she only knew...but you know what God knew!  God knew I needed her.  God knew what needed to be said to me.  She said that everyone in the car had voted to not wait for the police and they were going to head on.  I told her I understood.  I told her not to worry about me, I would make some calls and get help, as I wasn't going anywhere.  My car wasn't drive-able.

I placed a call to my Auto Insurance Carrier, Safeco, and filed a claim.  They setup a Rental Car Reservation for me with Enterprise in Burleson and scheduled a Tow Truck to come out.  I then made calls to see who could come and get me.  I had lots of client files in my car, my suitcase, my pillows, and my clothes as I had been on a 3 day business trip and I wasn't sure a wrecker would let me take all that with me wherever they were going to drop off my car.   After getting all that aligned up and waiting for almost 90 minutes, I called my Insurance back to check status of the wrecker service.  They said they were running behind and that they would be out in another 10 minutes.  Whatever, I didn't believe them.  My flashers were still on, but my battery was getting dim, and I was very tired, cold and needed to use the bathroom badly.  At this moment, the day was really starting to mount up against me.  I was starting to feel very much as if life was harder than I ever dreamed...and yet at the same time I had a peace knowing it was not being controlled by me.  I wasn't sure how long my battery would last and the flashers would still be flashing to alert traffic.  I was getting cold, very cold.  The wind was howling and it was dark.  I just sat there and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  I felt all alone.  But I knew in reality, I wasn't.  I had friends praying for me...one who even called to pray over the phone with me in the moment.  Friends calling and texting to check on me.  I had angels all around me.  I had God watching over me.  My vehicle battery was dying, my cell phone battery was dying, my day had ended in a not so pleasant way, but God was still in control.  He sent the Courtesy Patrol along who pulled up right behind me to inspect a report of an unattended vehicle on the side of the road.  He found me inside, but I couldn't get the window to roll down or the car door to unlock due to the power locks and a battery almost dead.  I tried and tried and tried and finally got it down.  He asked me some questions and learned of the situation and how long I had been sitting there and said he would get a deputy out right away.  A few minutes later, Aunt Connie arrived.  I handed her everything through the drivers side window since there was no way to get the door opened.  Once everything was out of my car, I pulled myself out through the window.  Aunt Connie was worried that I would be able to do this in the wind and cold and dark.  I told her she forgot I knew how to do this, this is how you get in and out of a Race Car or Dune Buggy!  LOL!!!  Within 15 minutes a deputy arrived, Deputy Cloud 968 who was very kind and helpful and gave me advice on the situation.  He also took all my information and ran the ladies license plate and all information came up correct to what I had.  Within another 15 minutes a tow truck was out and had my car loaded up.  Aunt Connie and I headed to the next exit at 09.30pmCST so that I could make a pit stop before the hour drive home.  We were three blocks from my house when the wrecker service my Auto Insurance Carrier had contacted to come assist me, called me to see if I still needed assistance.  I was flabbergasted.  I let them know I didn't because that was 3.25 hours ago that call was made and the deputy had gotten someone out in 15 minutes!  Wow...if I had not had the Courtesy Patrol Car show up...would I have still been sitting there? waiting???

The Front End damage to my car
[pictures don't do it justice to the angle and pushed in effect on the engine and parts]

Another head on view of the damage, again, doesn't do it justice as seen in person

Though this day one year ago was an exciting day because I paid off my car...it wasn't such an exciting day today because I had my first wreck in the car, potentially may have totaled my car with all the damage that was done and repairs that will need to take place not just on the body work, but the engine.  

I am requesting your prayers...please continue to pray for me!  The last few weeks have been very challenging.  I don't feel in the frame of mind to roll with all that is coming my way in "waves like sea billows roll" as the song says.  I am stretched thin on time and finances at the moment with being gone to California two weekends in a row, 5 days and then 4 days, along with a surgery bill looming over my head and now potentially another car payment on the books, I feel like I am in debt and behind once again.  I know God will take care of me...I just don't understand why He feels I am so strong to handle all this right now.  I can't help but question what God has in mind.  Do I not have enough faith?  Am I not trusting Him to provide for me?  Why me? Why now?  What am I supposed to learn?  Maybe in time I will know.  Maybe in time it will make sense.  For now, I ask for strength and patience to ride out my trials.

please be patient with me

Dear Fellow Blogger Followers and Friends, I have much yet to write about, and the posts will come, even if back dated, once I can spend some time and share my travels and what is going on.  I will return soon...

siblings reconnect

I have not seen Mindy [aka Lola] in 8 years, nearly 9 years this upcoming summer.

I have not seen Terry in 2 years.  He left Texas November 2010.

When I knew that I would be seeing them both at the Memorial for Dad, I had much apprehension.  Not that I don't love my siblings, I do.  A bunch.  I simply wasn't sure how things would go with the 3 of us together.  The 3 of us had not been together since 1997.  Terry feels the need to be the go between between the two of us.  Mindy tries very hard to persuade Terry and at times can pit him between us.  All this on top of her attitude towards me the last 2+ years created anxious feelings in me.  I don't want to intrude on her life.  I want to give her space to be her.  I likewise want the space given to me to be me.  Additionally, I need respect just as much as she wants respect.

As you know though from my previous posts, things went really well at the Memorial.  On Saturday, I texted Mindy to let her know that I was glad she was able to make it and that it was good to see her.  She responded.  I wrote back.  She responded.  Thus we spent nearly two hours texting.  You probably are asking why I didn't just pick up the phone and call her.  She said she doesn't talk on the phone.  So, I took the opportunity I was given and used it.  This I would not have imagined would have come out of the time.  By me being kind to her and gentle in spite of her treatment to me, she was responding.  She said she thought it would be nice if the 3 of us could do something while we were out in California. I let her know that I had plans on Sunday, but if she wanted to meet up on Monday, I could do so.  We agreed to meet on Monday Morning for breakfast.

When Monday Morning rolled around, I texted them both when I was on my way as I had an hour drive from Crystal's place in Redlands.  I got to the restaurant before they arrived [they ended up being 30 minutes late].  I had enough time to spend some time alone.  Quiet time alone in prayer.  Prayer that the time be one that would help heal hurts in these two peoples lives.  Prayer that God would give me the words to say or not to say.  Prayer that Mindy would not be angry with me.  Prayer that I could show God's love. Prayer that they would know in the end that I love them both.  Truly love them.

When they arrived, Mindy initially was cold and stilted.  I had picked a booth by the door because I figured they wouldn't want to be sandwiched between everyone else as it was noisy.  She detested being by the door and said so.  I said that wasn't a problem, we can move somewhere else.  She picked the spot and we moved.  When we sat down, she was visibly nervous and anxious.  She was wearing a long sleeve light weight t-shirt that was a V-Neck to the middle of her chest and she was not wearing underclothes.  Her skin looked old.  She had lots of wrinkles and other skin issues.  She looked tired and sad.  She asked where I had parked.  I mentioned I had parked on the other side of the building as the parking out front was limited to a 2 hour window.  She quickly and rudely said, we will not be here that long.  I said, that's no problem, I just didn't want to have to move in the event we were and felt it was better to find another spot.  I decided to let her talk and if she asked questions, I would answer.  If she brought up something that I could inquire more about, I would.  I let her direct conversation.  We talked about numerous things.  She got very irate again about the fact that nobody had called her about Granma Omi's death.  I let her know that I was sorry, if I had had her number I would have called her.  She got furious that Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna or Carrie or Trisha didn't call her.  I told her that they had a lot on their plate and that this was a very tough time for them.  She argued that Granma was like a Mom to her.  She said nobody has too much that they can't make a quick call.  [She obviously either is not been through experiences that have forced time limitations on her or she is simply being short sighted or selfish.]  I tried as much as I could to calmly satisfy her that I am sure they would have if they could have.  She went on and vented.  I let her.  I did not respond.  She eventually moved onto other topics.  I learned that she doesn't eat much at all.  She lives on caffeine.  Her hair is falling out and she is petrified as to what is wrong but doesn't have money to go to the doctor nor does she feel she can afford to let them take blood because she "needs every drop she has".  She said "Terry said you were out here last weekend, why?".  I informed her that I had come out to see Uncle Truman & Aunt Jessica and go on a Dune Buggy Trip to the Dumont Sand Dunes with them.  She asked who was there.  I listed the people.  She cut me off and said, "Excuse me, why were all those people there?  Not all of them come to meetings." I said, "No Mindy they don't."  She replied, "I don't understand.  For all the years I was in The Group that was not allowed or tolerated."  I responded, "A lot of things have changed Mindy."  She was very harsh and skeptical, "What do you mean lots of things have changed?  Explain exactly what you mean by that."  I drew a deep breath.  I screamed a silent desperate prayer, God!  Give me.  Please.  Please give me wisdom.  "Mindy, there have been many changes.  To explain them all to you would take a lot of time.  Much of it would not make sense to you since you have been gone for 8 years.  There are lots of details, situations, events and thoughts that though I would be glad to tell you, it simply would take a lot of time to explain things."  She argued back, "But it wasn't like that when I was in the group."  To which I simply said, "I know."  She looked at me like I can't believe you are not going to answer my question.  Then she accepted it and dropped it and moved on to other topics.  I honestly thanked God.  This was hard.  To try to explain this to someone who no longer believes in God would be truly the unexplainable.  There was no way I could.  Not a chance.

This manner is the way I purposely answered and continued the conversation with her.  It was not a time to resolve all problems.  Problems in our childhood.  Problems with the Christians we know and love and have met with our entire life.  Problems with relatives. Problems with our parents.  Problems with my brother.  It was a time to spend getting reconnected and maybe closing a bit of a gap that has been there.  This was my purpose.  This was my aim.  I was going to strive for it with all I had in me.

During one of the times Mindy was talking, her eyes caught something behind me and she abruptly stopped.   Her eyes were fixed on this item, her facial expressions showed whatever it was she saw was creating a response emotionally in her.  The reflections of  her feelings could not be hid from her face.  They showed a puzzlement.  Then acknowledgement and understanding.  Then a tears welded up in her eyes.  Then just as quickly a clear I can't do this, I am not going there, I won't give in settled in.  She then told Terry, "Terry, they changed the message on the board from what it said yesterday.  I think I liked what it said yesterday better.  But anyways"...and she went on with her topic of conversation. 

I was curious what she had seen.  I turned my head to read it and saw this:

handwritten sign at the restaurant

I got shivers up and down my spine, up and down my arms.  I was thrilled.  This was what I call a "Total God Moment".  He planned this.  He knew she needed to read this.  It was meant just for her.  Before we left the restaurant, I took a picture of it.  Terry was clearly annoyed with me.  Mindy thought me crazy.  I knew it was going on my blog.  I told them I wanted it for Memories.

She had Terry go to the car to get a little photo album of Mom & Dad's Wedding that was at the Memorial that Aunt Donna had brought from Granma Omi's house and that Mom had given to her.  She let me pick a few photos of Mom & Dad's Wedding to have.  This was a miracle because normally Mindy would have been gleeful that she got something I didn't and wouldn't have cared if I got anything.  She wanted me to take more photos, but I only took 4. I told her I didn't need or want a bunch, I simply wanted one or two to have of my parents and the wedding party.

I left with my heart soaring...God's message of LOVE was written out for her to see.  It depicted feelings in her she could not hide.  God accomplished a small seed.  What will happen from here, only God knows, but I know this...He is God!  My God, and He was apart of our time!!!

From there we went to Starbucks to get some caffeine, got gas in her vehicle and I filled up Crystal's, and then we went to Terry's place so I could see where he lived.  I got a tour and then we took photos and then I needed to leave to get back to Crystal's to have enough time to head to Ontario Airport.  In the end, we spent 3 hours together...more than the 2 she said we would.

Terry, Mindy & I leaving the restaurant in San Jacinto, CA

Two Sisters

Dad's Memorial

Today is Dad's Memorial.

My work week was really crammed getting ready for another trip to California.  I rushed home after being at a clients office for two solid days out of town to do laundry, pack and climb in bed to get 3 hours of sleep, wake up at 2.30amCST to get ready and leave by 3.30amCST and drive to DFW Airport to catch my 6amCST flight to Ontario, California.  I was due into Ontario at 9amCST after a layover in Phoenix, Arizona.  Everything went smooth on my flight...though I wished I could have slept some, I simply was very exhausted.  Julie Sharpless was scheduled to pick me up at the airport and then we were going to head to her place until about 11amCST and then head to Apple Valley, California.  Julie and I visited on the drive back to her place.  We made sandwiches to take to my Mom and got grapes ready also.  We left as soon as Steve Sharpless got there and hit the road.  

As we came up "over the hill" [this is the term for the desert that is above the valley of San Bernardino, Riverside, and Los Angeles areas] it felt really weird to be in my home town area that I had not seen or lived in for 15.5 years.  Some things looked exactly the same and some things had changed dramatically.  The closer we got, I got more and more of a sick empty queasy feeling in my stomach.  It would be hard to explain.  A sense of unknown and not sure what to expect.  A sense of some fear.  A sense of anxiety and wish for this to be over.  A sense of familiar territory, yet no longer home.  Yet, even in all these various emotions, I didn't for one second rethink my desire to come and be a support as my role as a the first born child, regardless of the family dynamics and lack of a relationship.

We drove by the place where I had my first job at the Dermatology Office and second job  at the Cardiologist Office that I only worked 3 months at before moving to Burleson, Texas.  It was weird to see them still in the same place after all these years.  We continued to drive out towards my parents area as the Mortuary was only about 1-2 miles from my parents house.  Driving in the desert was a weird feeling, much like I experienced last weekend when I flew to Las Vegas, Nevada.  The open feeling is a sense of room, but at the same time, a deep sense of loneliness to me.  It wasn't a fun feeling...it was a depressing feeling.  I am sure depending on your experience of living in such an environment and personal preferences too, you may or may not relate to it.

We arrived at the Mortuary at about 12.30pmPST.  There were several already there when we got there.  As I walked towards the building, Julie Sharpless just squeezed my arm and whispered that she was praying for me.  Wow...how encouraging!!!  I knew I could do this but believe me the anxiety was starting to run pretty high in anticipation of the time.  At the same time, I felt a peace come over me that would be hard to explain other than that I felt like I was being guided through the zone.  I walked in the door and saw many faces I knew, we exchanged greetings and hugs.  I didn't get much time to spend looking at the table that Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna had put together as various people kept greeting me.  I then turned and saw a group of ladies and one of them said "Hi Misty".  It might seem strange, but I had not focused in on who each of the ladies were, until that greeting was mentioned, and it was only then that I realized by the sound of the voice, this was my Mom.  She looked much older, seemed shorter to me, and overall looked very sad and very pitiful.  You must remember, I have not seen her in 15 years other than one time very briefly when she came up behind me at a July Christian Camp Retreat in Tulare, California many years ago [at the moment I can't remember how many years ago] and tapped me on the shoulder and said hello during a message.  I approached Mom and gave her a hug and she returned it with a slight pat on the shoulder, she did not embrace me.  She said, "I wasn't sure you were going to be able to make it."  To which I replied, "I wasn't sure I was going to be able to either".  I went on to tell her that I had been praying for her.  One of the ladies that Dad used to work with at the job he was at when I lived at home was standing by my Mom and she said to my Mom, "Isn't she just beautiful?"  To which my Mom looked me up and down and responded, "Well she has fake height, she is cheating." [she was referring to the black leather boots I was wearing with maybe an inch to inch and a half heel on them], and after making that statement she walked off with a gleeful mocking laugh.  You might think this was very rude, and I am not saying it was kind, but believe me, I was expecting worse.  I remained calm and just went on greeting people and saying hi to those who had come to attend the event and be of support to the family.  Out of all the things she could have said or done, this was mild.  My shoes were no taller than hers...so what was the point?  Who cares if I had fake height?  Why couldn't she acknowledge I looked pretty?  Oh, I forgot, that would mean you would have to address previous discussions and issues, oh no, I didn't forget.  I know.  All too well, I know.  After greeting a few more people, I felt the need to escape to the bathroom and have a moment of quiet.  When I returned back to the lobby, most of the people had moved to the room where the service was to be held.  

Mindy & Terry were running late and Mom said she wanted to wait for them.  The people at the Mortuary were very nice and said that was fine.  I waited in the hallway until they arrived and then went to greet them.  Mindy was cold and stiff at first.  When she saw the pictures of Dad she broke down sobbing.  Terry was moody and quiet.  Mindy left a bit later and went to the ladies room to wash her face.  When she returned she walked right passed me to go sit down.  Halfway down the isle she looked back at Terry and motioned for him to join her.  When he didn't, she started walking back to insist on him coming with her.  She stood waiting in the isle way until he did.  When he reached her she reached out her hand to hold his and they walked the rest of the way holding hands.  This moment felt a bit strange to me and almost like a slap in the face as they left me standing back in the hallway by myself.  I hadn't been sure of where I wanted to sit as I knew I didn't want to sit right next to Mom.  I decided that if Mindy & Terry were going to sit next to Mom, I needed to too.  Mom was seated on the 2nd chair in on the front row on the left side and Terry took the first and Mindy was next to Mom, I was on the other side of Mom and Aunt Jessica next to me and then Uncle Truman.  Bruce Stevens was playing the piano.  Bruce & Rachel sang a song.  Then the Mortuary had a video they played.  Following that my Uncle Dana gave some things about my Dad.  He was struggling to not be emotional and couldn't seem to get passed it.  Carrie & Tricia [my cousins/his daughters] joined him and one stood on each side of him as they offered their support.  Uncle Dana grew calm and proceeded to mention some things about my Dad, some of which I did not know.  He did a remarkable job at conveying various points of interest for the lack of relationship and involvement that the two of them had had in each others lives.  I was very impressed about the things Uncle Dana brought forth, how he clearly described the love my Dad had for the Lord and how he had led my Uncle Dana to the Lord after 3.5 years of working on him.  He also relayed the details of a Men and Boys Camping Trip in which some of them got lost and my Dad used the situation to describe being lost from the Lord and that this was when Jimmy Bartley accepted the Lord into his heart at age 11.  I knew my Uncle Dana had been saved by efforts of my Dad, but I did not know that it took 3.5 years!  I also knew about the camping trip, but did not know that Jimmy Bartley was saved because of the things Dad shared.  I also knew Dad had been a Computer Programer, but didn't know it had been for Walt Disney.  I also didn't know that Granpa Whiskers made the house that him and Granma Omi lived in.  After Uncle Dana finished his part, Steve Sharpless took over and shared some things on the Gospel of Salvation and the Hope that each of us have in the Lord Jesus Christ.  My brother spent most of the time bent over his seat with his head down.  Mindy looked straight ahead as if she was in her own world eyes fixed on something in a far away spot.  Two times through the time, I reached over and gave her a hug across her shoulders, and I also reached out and squeezed her hands.  At one point she turned to me and said,  "Isn't it funny that you and I are both wearing black?  You know how Mom hates black!  Haha.  And it's knit too!  And she is sitting over there wearing her calico cottens."  Mindy hardly could say all this without totally outright laughing as she was telling me and when she finished she laughed so hilariously.  I was hoping that Mom hadn't heard her, but wasn't sure that she couldn't as Mindy was not quiet about it, and I whispered back, "Yah, I know".  Who knows what triggered this thought but it obviously was a connection she knew she had with me and that I would understand.  [For the record: Mom hates black.  She feels if you wear black you have a bunch of sin in your life.  She feels knit is not ladies clothing, it is t-shirt material that is only for guys to wear, not girls.  We both were wearing black leather boots that also is not approved of.]  Everyone was very warm and friendly to all of us.  I felt many made quite the effort to be there in light of the drive it was for them and the fact that it was at 1pmEST on a Friday afternoon and not a weekend.  There were many in attendance:

Truman & Jessica Jean
Dana & Donna Gilbert
Carrie Veazey
Andy & Tricia
Steve & Julie Sharpless
Jim & Sue Maurer
Bruce & Rachel Stevens
John & Marjorie Morey
Jan Sulzen
Bernel Johnson
Scott Johnson
Bob & Rose Shaw
Gail Malmstrom
Ray & Gail Sharpless
Don & Lou Carole Stevens
Wayne & Lynita Airy
Crystal Bauman & Emmy
Jim & Pam Beitzel
Mike & Janet Tuthill
Vern & Judy Delorenzo
Charles & Patsy Puente
Yvonne
Terry Gilbert
Wanda Gilbert
Mindy Gilbert
Misty Gilbert
Colleen [a friend of Mom's]
Jackie [a coworker of Dad's]
Bill [a boss of Dad's]
three other people Dad worked with at his latest part time job

[I believe I am missing a few people and will add them if I remember them later]

We all stayed and visited for some time following the service and as usual for this group of people, we have to be kicked out we can't leave on time.  Mom had only reserved the room until 2.30pm and it was after that.  Mom wanted all of us siblings to come see where Dad's placement was going to be on the wall, as he was to be cremated.  She had to buy a space for two as they don't sell them in just one, so she has a spot for her when the time comes.  We loaded up everything in Mom's car for her.  I went to leave and then realized I had not said Goodbye to Mindy & Terry so I went back inside to find them.  Mindy was inside speaking with one of the clerks asking to see Dad...they wouldn't let her of course as it had been two weeks and they let her know clearly that they couldn't do that.  I let her know that I wanted to tell her Goodbye as I was headed with Crystal back down the hill.  Mom had invited anyone who wanted to to come over to the house.  This is not something that I wanted to do even though Mindy & Terry were going to go.  When I got in the car to leave, Crystal told me that I could burst into tears if I wanted to, she would understand.  I said, I was just grateful that it had gone that well and that it was over.  Crystal had rode up with Jim & Pam Beitzel.  We headed down the hill to go eat at The Hat with Uncle Dana & Aunt Donna.  We ate at the restaurant and enjoyed our friendship, fellowship and yummy food!  

These are Fries w/Chili & Cheese on the left and AlaMode on the right.
[I typically like my fries just plain with ketchup...but these AlaMode fries, were unbelievable!!!]

From there, Jim & Pam took us back to Crystal's place in Redlands.  I was emotionally and physically beat from the day.  I got settled on the couch and didn't move from there until it was time for bed.

snuggling with Emmy!

What is the meaning of Honor?

hon·or/ˈɒnər/
noun

1. honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions: a man of honor.

2. a source of credit or distinction: to be an honor to one's family.

3. high respect, as for worth, merit, or rank: to be held in honor.

4. such respect manifested: a memorial in honor of the dead.

5. high public esteem; fame; glory: He has earned his position of honor.    


If you follow my blog, you would have read the post about the true meaning of James 1:27 here.  My Uncle called me Thursday afternoon about 2pmCST.  He wanted to share a few thoughts with me about his post and let me know that he didn't have me in mind when he wrote that.  He said that he wasn't posting that verse in relation to the situation with my Mom, the verse had been on his heart and mind because of the situation but not in relationship to it and he was wanting to share some thoughts with others and get feedback.  He said that over the last few years that he has gotten to know me since we reconnected January 2009, he feels that I have dishonored my Mom.  He said he hoped calling me wasn't adding to my stress and that I had time to talk.    If truth be told, it was horrible timing.  I was out of town at a clients office and had just gotten out of a meeting and I had a full day of things yet to accomplish, I was totally feeling jam packed against the clock to get all that needed to be done before I left there and had to rush home to do laundry, pack and leave very early for the airport.  I didn't have 68 minutes to spend talking about this sort of thing, especially the day before my Dad's Memorial.  Really?  I stopped and prayed for the Lord to give me patience and help me know what to say.  My thoughts weren't on this subject and I didn't feel prepared to share the things I thought and felt.   I let him know that I have tried to exercise patience with the fact that I don't believe he has enough information or details as to the facts nor does he understand the whole situation to judge the situation accordingly.  I told him that I would be willing to share any details of my past and childhood to help him understand even though it is hard to do.  I let him know that I didn't believe he didn't have me and others in mind because of comments he had made to others and the timing of the thought being posted.  I informed him that I had learned recently that he had called others (my uncle, my cousin, friends) to share concern that as a daughter, he didn't believe I was doing my part to help my Mom and that he had shared with others that he didn't feel "the christian's" were doing their part for my Mom.  I told him that I was greatly disappointed that he would not call me and ask me his questions and share with me his concerns and that he would go to others for the details.  I told him that I didn't believe this was approriate for him to discuss it with others like he had.  He broke down crying and stated that he hoped this would not come between us.  I told him that I didn't want it to either.  I asked him for an example of something that he felt that I did or said that was dishonoring to my Mom so that I could evalute it as I truly would like to evaluate what I said, how it was taken, what my intentions were and ask the Lord for wisdom in understanding it if I was wrong.  That has never been my goal.  I want to be truthful and factual about what I experienced, but I am not trying to be dishonoring.  He said he would have to go back through my posts on Facebook to find one.  To me, if he truly felt that I had been dishonoring to my Mom, he would have had an example to give me.  I told him that I will honor my Mom with the knowledge and fact that she is my Mom and taught me a lot of good skills, but I will not honor her controling attitude or support her conduct as I don't believe it is honoring before God.  I looked up the word honor and dishonor on www.dictionary.com and shared them with him.  We parted ways with the understanding that we didn't see the situation the same and that he was taking my Mom at her word and didn't have reports from other people on other things she was doing and saying.    


dis·hon·or/dɪsˈɒnər/
noun

1. lack or loss of honor; disgraceful or dishonest character or conduct.

2. disgrace; ignominy; shame: His arrest brought dishonor to his family.

3. an indignity; insult: to do someone a dishonor.

4. a cause of shame or disgrace: He is a dishonor to his family.

5. Commerce . failure or refusal of the drawee or intended acceptor of a bill of exchange or note to accept it or, if it is accepted, to pay and retire it.


As my friend, I ask you...do you believe that I have been dishonoring to my Mom?  How do you show respect & honor to someone whom you don't believe is right?

Quotes

434 area code calls

I got two calls in the middle of the night last night from a number with a 434 area code.  No messages were left.  I knew the area code was from Virginia and wondered if it was Mindy, but since I haven't had her phone number for over two years, I wasn't sure.  Whomever it was, I wasn't sure why they would think I was up at 11:56pmCST and 12:59amCST, but either way, I was dead asleep.  Wednesday Morning I called the number back and it was Mindy.  She wanted to know if I had talked to family the day before.  I aknowledged I had.  She stated then she assumed I knew about Granma Omi and the reason she was calling was to let me know so that I wouldn't hear as she heard through someone who heard through someone who heard through someone.  She stated that she was upset that I hadn't called her.  I explained that I didn't have her number to be able to do so.  She then got even more angry at stated that she felt I needed to apologize for blocking her number.  I told her I didn't block her number.  You have to pay for that service and I would have to have her number to block it.  She said she is tired of people walking in and out of her life.  She continued to spill her anger for 4 minutes and 20 seconds and then she hung up on me.

I left the conversation with questions as to what I could have said to make more peace.  She obviously was hurting and frustrated.  She obviously had a bunch of pent up anger.  My heart ached for her. 

An hour later I attempted to call her back.  I got a message that this persons voicemail was not setup yet.  So I decided to text her.

"I am sorry you are angry at me.  I wish I had had your phone number so that I could have let you know.  I have tried to respect your wishes and not communicate with you.  Per your last FB message you clearly wanted nothing to do with me or the family and so it makes it really hard on us.  I love you and wish I could resolve this.  I tried to call you to tell you this but your VM is not set up so I couldn't.  I am sorry I was sleepingwhen you called in th emiddle of the night last night.  I didn't konw who it was and therefore called you back today.  I will continue to pray for you that you will be willing to make peace and not be angry.  I love you more than you know.  FYI you can't block phone numbers that are not in yoru phoneand you can't block phone numbers unless you pay for that.  I never have.  You can either believe me or not. Its your choice.  I wish I could do something to make you understand.  I wish you would not be angry."

She called me later in the day.  We talked 14 minutes and 45 seconds.  The conversation was much like the first one but with even greater anger and profanity.  I tried hard to be kind, was calm and just told her that I knew she was hurting and I was sorry.  In the end, she hung up on me again.

I was frustrated.  I felt like I had had a second chance to try and create a peace in her, but I got nowhere.  I was the wrong person in eveything.

A few minutes later, she called me back.  This time, I knew I couldn't answer.  And I didn't answer it. Instead, I sent her a text message:
I am not gonna take calls when you just argue and hang up.  I am sorry but I don't play these games. 

To which she responded:
Fine.
Bye.
You csn stop texting me.
I'm deleting everything you wrote.  Bye!!!

This left me feeling that the Memorial was going to be a really hard day when I saw her.  All I could do was pray.  Lord, please be with me, help me to have wisdom, help me to show kindness, help me to know what to do and say.

Granma Omi is in Heaven!

I just got word that my Granma Omi passed away last night. This is my Dad's Mom. She has had Pulmonary Fibrosis and has been in ICU with Pneumonia.  Please be in prayer for my Dad's Brother, Uncle Dana and my Aunt Donna. This has been a rough few weeks for everyone...your love, prayers and support are very appreciated! 

Hugs to each of you!!!

the true meaning of james 1:27

A relative of mine posted on Facebook last Monday after my Mom postponed/canceled the Memorial set for Friday, February 15th, 2013:

Anyone out there believe this passage?
James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

To the average individual, it would look like this person was reminding us all of something.  To the person who wasn't related, who didn't have inside details, who didn't know the truth, they wouldn't see the open rebuke and criticism.  

The verse holds truth.  It is a command to each of us that love God.  However, the details behind the post is what makes that information hard to read.  

I had heard from others about the post before I actually saw it myself due to the fact that I was working against the clock up until my departure last Wednesday for Nevada, Arizona and California and a 5 day Vacation to see Friends and Family and spend time out in Dumont Sand Dunes in Baker, CA.  I hadn't seen the post until today.  Though I can appreciate the truth in that verse, I can't appreciate the message that person was trying to send, why?  Because I know more of the details behind it.  

The widow is my Mom.  

The people this person believes are not living pure religion and being defiled are me, other family and "the Christians".  This person believes that a Godly daughter would not be in this position with her Mom.  Loving Christians would do all they possibly could to help out someone in need, experiencing affliction and distress.  

The fact it this:  I believe there are are many of us who believe this and live this out in our daily lives!  Not every situation is at it seems and not everyone knows all the facts as to what they make judgments on.  I know that God is loving and kind and takes care of those who are His and who seek Him with their whole heart!!!  His grace, love and mercy is infinite to those who claim it!!!

I know I want to show the Love of God to my Mom, and I plan to do just that.  I want to show her the forgiveness God has for each of us even though she doesn't walk that out in her life with me.  I know I don't know what it is like to loose a spouse, but I know what hurt and pain are like and that God is the only one who can fill that hole.  I know that to be spiteful back to my Mom will only increase the drama and will not be pleasing to the One who has paid for all my sins.  

Though this relative has an opinion and viewpoint of the situation, I am keenly aware that not all the facts are known nor is the situation fully understood therefore the judgment is biased and not completely accurate.  I can and will be loving in spite of this added element to an already complicated picture.

So what is the true meaning of James 1:27?  

Is that to just give someone everything because they are an orphan or widow?  

Is that to just take their word that they are hard up just because they are an orphan or a widow?  

Is that to not consider the situation and take all reports into reflection just because they are an orphan or a widow?  

Is that to believe that the truth is always being told just because they are an orphan or a widow?  

Is it to ensure they face no hardship in life just because they are an orphan or a widow?  

Is it to not hold them accountable for their own responsibilities just because they are an orphan or a widow?

What do you believe the true meaning of this verse is?  Do you believe you live it as you should?

Real, true religion from God the Father's perspective is caring for the orphans and widows who suffer needlessly and resisting the evil influence of the world. - The Voice

Memorial has been rescheduled

I was at the airport headed home today when Terry called to let me know that the Memorial for my Dad has been rescheduled for Friday, February 22nd at 1pm at the Sunset Hills Memorial Park and Mortuary.

Please be in continued prayer for the family and friends that will attend.

psalm 73:26

[love]

song ~ how he loves

How He Loves
by David Crowder

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us, oh,
Oh, how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

And we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way...

He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us,
Oh, how He loves.

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us...
Oh, how He loves us.

Memorial for Dad has been postponed/canceled

I got word today from Terry that the Memorial that was set for my Dad this Friday, February 15th, 2013 at 1pm at Sunset Hills Memorial Park & Mortuary in Apple Valley, CA has been postponed/canceled.  When I asked my brother the reason, he told me it was because Mom found out I was coming.

No matter how you slice it, that is very spiteful and it stings.  She didn't call to tell me Dad had passed.  And though I had considered calling her to express my condolences, when I learned from others that she was angry with me, I felt it best to give space and leave things alone. I want to create peace and show the Love of God.  Adding to someone's fueling fire doesn't accomplish that.

My anger wasn't at the fact the Memorial was canceled.  My hurt heart wasn't because of my Dad.  It was the fact that once again my Mom is trying to control anyone and everyone she can, even me, miles and miles away.  This is what made me angry.  It has been 15 years since I have been gone and in a split second, she can make me angry.  

This is disturbing to me.

On my way home from work tonight, I called Terry to check in on him as he had been very emotional earlier in the day.  I asked him why Mom would do something like that all because I was coming.  He said well, she told me not to tell you the truth.  I said, what?  He said, the real reason is because she can't afford it but she didn't want you to know that.  I told him that I didn't believe she couldn't afford it because Granma Omi had purchased a death benefit for both her sons and Mom was going to be getting that and that should more than cover the cost of the Memorial.  If it didn't, she wasn't sticking to a budget and living within her means to have one.  There are expensive options and cheap options, just like all other decisions we can make in life.  Additionally, she has many things she doesn't need, antiques, two cars, etc that are not a necessity in life.  She is not desperate.  She might not have the cushy life that she was used to, but she has a place to live, she has money.  If she was in that poor of financial shape, would I and others be willing to help her out?  You bet we would!  And if I and others are inappropriately judging her by the things she has, she can open up and share her situation and express her need and this can be looked into further so that assistance can be given to her.  However, when you tell one sibling that you expect your Brothers and Sisters to take care of you because they should even  though you have the money to do so yourself, then you are not asking for the right reason and are not being truthful about your financial situation and needs.  These things make it hard for someone to generously give because you are setting the rules and requirements.

without God we are nothing

Dad has gone to Heaven!

Thankful that Dad is in a better place! His misery is over.  He is in heaven.  He will suffer no more.  God is loving and merciful to let him go!  

He passed away at 10:10pm last night.  

I am doing good and appreciative of all my friends who have prayed and supported me through this time.

another update on Dad

Not sure what is true in all this, will just report what I have been told and not verified:

Dad was moved to a Skilled Nursing Facility on Tuesday.  He pulled out his feeding tube and was transported to the Hospital for it to be put back in.  Enroute, he had a cardiac arrest.  They revived him and put him on a ventilator.  He is now in the ICU.  They will be removing this as he has a hemorrhage in the brain.  The doctor reported that he doesn't expect him to make it through the night.

Please be in prayer that if this is truly Dad's state that he may go quickly and peacefully.  

listen to God