Whenever we face difficult things in our lives, we have a choice to continue to fight or retreat. We have a choice to believe the lies or seek the truth. We have the choice to continue to love or build anger, resentment, regret, pride or hide. We have a choice to just go through something or grow through it.
Today, I am going to be vulnerable and share more...no matter who reads it or shares it...what I write is from my heart and it is the truth.
In my continued healing journey from an amazing experience with my first boyfriend/committed relationship ever, I have been evaluating, questioning and seeking to restore balance to my life.
I have been intentional in trying to process what I need to learn from this experience, to not go back to my old beliefs that guys are jerks, all men abuse you, there are no good guys out there, love is too risky, that relationships are too much hard work, that my mom is once again correct in her statement that no man will ever want me, that I am not good enough to be loved [for who I am and as I am], and that I am a failure.
I know deep in my heart that I fought hard for the relationship. I didn't give up when conflict showed it's face. I asked to work through issues when they presented themselves. I asked questions to learn, determined to understand, and built a foundation around the fact that you were very important to me.
I asked why, how, when, who, what. I chose to practice modeling a relationship I didn't see lived out in front of my eyes. I took the relationship advice from a girlfriend and made showing love and not being defensive over anything or at any time in the relationship my focus, no matter how difficult that was to do. I said I love you even if you are shutting me out, did't want to talk about it, or are trying to make me out to be like every other girl you dated. I said I am sorry. I am here for you. I still love you. I said that I will never leave you. I will never walk out on you. No matter what happens.
And I kept that commitment for the 131 days that you wanted to be a part of my life, each and every day. I gave you a new story to have in the Chapter of your book. You gave me a new story to have in the Chapter of my book.
I choose to remember the amazing 18 weekends we had together/19 weeks of traveling to your side of town. I choose to hold close to my heart all the first experiences I got with you. I choose to accept and believe that God wanted you to teach me some lessons, and that He had you come into my life at the perfect time. Because I know that my "It's a Wonderful Life" wouldn't be what it is without you.
When the pain became unbearable, I sat down and started writing a letter to you, no matter the time of day or night,in the middle of tears, in the middle of your anger towards me. When I couldn't think what more to say, I left it for days until I could figure out how to write what I was feeling, thinking, believed and wanted you to know. People told me you would not read it and that I shouldn't send it. People said you clearly didn't want to have healing in your life and that to want that for you wasn't going to serve you. Not knowing if I would ever send it, I wrote anyways. Not knowing if I did send it, if you would even read it, I wrote anyways. I decided I had to be true to me, I had to write what was in my heart and mind, and I finally mailed it nearly 3 weeks after the breakup, coincidentally the same day you blocked me from Facebook. I couldn't have planned this if I tried. But God did. I pray for you every single day. And I know I will the rest of my life because you made that much of an impact on my soul.
I believe for a time I was your "Little Something". When I need to process through my emotions, I write poems about a "Thing Called Love". I have hope and know what a future can look like "On A Good Day". I have a vision of how much "Blue Sky Action" I want in my life. And though you are right, "You Don't Deserve Me", I will always remember "At The End of Every Journey". When I haven't been able to figure out why it still hurts, I remind myself of the message "Don't You Worry Child" and I read that seven page letter I sent you so I don't forget those unforgettable moments. To encourage me in what LOVING someone actually does in reality look like. I remember that "Love Alone Is Worth the Fight". And I know this was communicated to you, even up until my last text message to you that said: I Love You.
I can honestly still say that I have no regrets. I will continue to face the pain of rejection, the hurt and struggles this has brought to me, but I am not the first who has faced this and this isn't the first time I have been rejected. My own parents didn't want me. My own girlfriend abandoned me. I am an overcomer and this is only going to propel me further on the path God has for me. Yes, it might be a new journey for me, a new path that I haven't spent time on before, but though this whole process has had it's wounds, which are now creating scars, I also see how it is developing me into a more beautiful soul. You can't prevent me from telling everyone how wonderful you are because I believe in you, even though that doesn't include me being a part of your life anymore, even from a distance, I will still choose to still believe in love because I know there is someone who will love me like I love them! I will continue to live my life as the quote is on my voicemail, that states "Seize The Day", as it has since I moved here to Texas, September 1997 - while there is time to build, to laugh, to love, to run, to build, to pray...seize the day!
Will you choose to believe that relationships are worth the fight?
