a woman of faith

song ~ worn

Worn

by Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

Yeah, I’m worn

Even before the day begins

Yeah, I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn

an update on posts

If you are a avid follower of my blog, you know that I openly share what is going on in my life.  I do this because I want to be a complete opposite of the childhood I had and the details that were averted in conversations, the things that were hidden from people, the relationships that didn't know the truth, the hypocrisy that was lived out, everything that was false.  I want to encourage others through the things I face and how real God is in my life.  I want to be open, 150% open!  I have nothing to hide and therefore I many times blog about things that others wouldn't.  Due to some events that I blogged about that took place this past Saturday that have emotionally torn me apart along with advice I received, I have removed this post.  Please understand that it is simply for safety reasons.  If you don't subscribe to my blog you will no longer see the information I shared.  If you do, the post would have been sent to you in an email this morning.  I love each of you very much and want to be apart of your lives just as much as you want to be apart of mine however your prayers are needed desperately right now!  I know God is going to use this actively in my journey but right now it has my world turned upside down.  I request you to be understanding with me as I work through this.  I need you fervent prayers for peace and to deal with the turmoil in my heart and mind.

Quotes

Most people will find your flaws but not your beauty.  Your flaws are perfect for the heart that's meant to love you.
- Danny Blair

response to Mindy's texts

I want you to know I do care.  I would love to share about my life and explain things if you want to learn and know.  I have been open about my life...very open and have been condemned, rebuked, isolated, shunned, mocked, etc.  You have made some assumptions that are not correct or true but I can't blame you...you don't know what has happened.  I don't know what you have "heard" as you state so I can't confirm anything.  I don't expect that the 8 years we have been apart will be resolved in one breakfast meeting.  I never thought that.  I simply was grateful to be able to spend time with you because the last thing I knew was you never wanted to hear from me again.  I didn't expect you to talk to me at the memorial.  Didn't think you wanted to spend time with me.  Therefore since I didn't have your address or email or phone number there wasn't a way to contact you.  There wasn't a reason to since I thought you were done with me.   You said if I ever left the group you still didn't want to hear from me.  Maybe you didn't mean that...but I took it literal.  That's my fault and I am sorry.  I didn't continue a relationship with you for several reasons and I hope you will accept my apologies.  If you don't...I understand.  I will respect your wishes and give you space.  I am not trying to invade your life or change you.  I love you.  I care about you.  Even if we do not talk and I don't know what is going on in your life...I still do!!!  I haven't felt you wanted a relationship with me so I let go.  I know that's hard to understand.  I felt it was best.  I don't want to hurt you.  I want you to live the life you want and haven't judged you because you have.  I have given you the space I wanted.  I hope that my letter to you will explain a few things.  If you choose not to read it, I will understand.

Quotes

To walk closely with Jesus we have to walk ourselves daily through God's Word. Tethering our hearts to Scripture helps grow our friendship with Jesus. As a result, He becomes more important to us than others or their opinions of us. The more we learn about God's character, the more we fall in love with Him and the less likely we'll be to turn from Him when the crowds tempt to sway us. Or when fear of judgment or persecution comes.
- Karen Patterson Ehman [via Proverbs 31 Ministries]

an unexpected event with a client

I woke up before the alarm went off today as we had a storm blow through Texas.  It included some pea size hail...a bunch of it!  It hailed at my house for 20-30minutes and woke me up.  No more sleep!

I decided to get up and get a few things done before heading to the dealership to drop off the title to my old car along with my other key.  I was headed to my American Academy of Professional Coders Class (AAPC) that I do once a month.  It has always been on Tuesday evenings, but they voted in January to move it to Saturday every Quarter, and this was its first.  Since it was a Saturday, it was a little bit more relaxed and the session went over what I anticipated it would.  I was to be at a clients in Weatherford at 12.30pm.  I texted him that I class went over, I needed to get lunch and was just leaving at 12pm and that I would be there as soon as I could.  Enroute, another client called me so when I pulled up in his parking lot, I sat in the car until my conversation was over.  When I arrived in his office he seemed a little edgy.  I wasn't sure if this was because I was running later than originally planned or if this was because I sat in the parking lot talking and he knew I was here or if there was something else going on.  I apologized for getting a later start then we originally planned, asked him questions to get up to date on where we were with his account and stuff that is happening, and launched into my accounting tasks.  His office is in a warehouse like type setting.  There is no heat, so you for sure don't dillydally about wasting time on a cold day like it was today.  

We were working on some Paypal account issues and trying to balance to the daily Journal Entries.  In working on these in Quickbooks, I had asked him where we were at getting things setup so I could work remotely.  Traveling to his office was not the original plan and since it is an hour each way, that cuts into being profitable fast.  He mentioned that he hoped to have the Mac Laptop finished up for me to use by the next time I came out.  I laughed and said I would not hold my breath since he promised me that two times ago.  I was wearing my hair down and didn't have a clip in it so I didn't see him come up behind me.  He smacked me across the back of my head with his finger/palm, twice.  I quickly rolled the desk chair away from the desk and turned in my head to look at him and said, "This is not going to work."  He replied, "Are you serious?  Don't over react."  I said, "I am sorry, I was abused as a child, and I can't take this.  This is not going to work."  While saying this, I started gathering my things very quickly.  Put my salad back in the Panera Bread to go sack, stuck my pen in the spiral part of my notebook, stuff papers in the folder, put my cell phone in my purse, grabbed it all up and stood up.  He again said, "I didn't mean anything by it.  Can't we talk this out?"  I said, "Please just give me a few minutes to go to my car.  I need a few minutes by myself.  I will be back in to talk."  He said "Okay."

I was amazed at the calm voice I had with him, though inside I was livid as hell.  My heart beat was racing.  I was shaking all over and incredibly irritated.  I got in my car and locked the doors.  As I sat in my car with my eyes closed my head bent over praying.  I prayed God give me strength to deal with this.  Please make me calm, I am rattled beyond words.  Please help me to tell him plainly this is over and I am done.  I can't do this.  Absolutely can't do this.  No amount of money is worth this.  I suddenly felt I should not be sitting there with my eyes closed and head bent.  I leaned my head against my hand on the arm rest and had my eyes open but looking away from his office.  I prayed more...I am not sure what I said, I just felt the connection between me and heaven and I prayed.  I really wanted to leave.  I didn't want to go back in, but I decided it was time to get this over with.  I grabbed my keys that have with pepper spray on them, held the pepper spray so it was clearly visible and ready to use, along with my cell phone.  I left everything else in the car.  I walked in the office and shut the door behind me and stood right there with my back against the door.  He was sitting at his desk.  I stood there and didn't say a word as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say first and how to say it.  Before I did he said, "Can I say a few things?"  I nodded.  He said, "I want to apologize. I realize I triggered your trigger and I didn't mean to.  I have never touched a woman.  I realize this was a mistake and I shouldn't have done it. I feel comfortable with you and was just playing around.  If you will tell me what your triggers are, I will make sure I don't do it again."  I said, "I understand and appreciate your apology.  This is not going to work."  He then said more about he realized he made a huge mistake and sincerely meant nothing by it.  I then asked him, "What did I say that made you do that?"  He said, "Nothing, I was just playing back.  I never meant anything by it.  Won't you please give this a second chance?"  I said nothing and simply shook my head no.  "I am sorry [his name], but I can't do this.  This is not going to work."  He was frustrated.  Very frustrated.  He stood up and then said, "So you are saying we can't work this out?  You are lumping me in with all the other people who have abused you, like I am a bad guy?  I promise it won't ever happen again."  I responded, "[name of client], this should never have happened in the first place and I will not risk a second time.  Though I absolutely want your business, no amount of money is worth this and I can't and won't do it."  I went on to tell him that I wasn't aware of our contract terms by me ending the contract early, as that was at home, however I would adhere to the penalty.  He looked to see if he had his copy with him and he said he didn't.  He stated he would pay me in full because these were hours I put in.  I told him that I appreciated that.  I told him that I would go to my car and get the paperwork I had that had the user names, passwords and account information so that he would have everything back.  I asked him to delete the shared Dropbox connection so that I have none of his information.  I went to my car, got the paperwork, walked back in and laid it on the desk, and then I walked out and drove off.

As I drove off, I felt an overwhelming peace to be gone.  I had an absolutely peace and secure feeling that I knew I did the right thing, though it was incredibly hard, I knew it was right.  The back of my head hurt, it stung.  I felt drained.  Like I had just ran a marathon and had no energy left in me to drive home.  I was physically and emotionally so exhausted all of a sudden.  The memories of incidents like this that I had experienced in my childhood were clouding my vision, my mind, my heart, my every move.  They were coming at me like the downpour of hail and it was very overwhelming.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to run away.  I honestly didn't care if I lived.  I felt done with life.  The suffocating feelings were drowning me.  I prayed more.  I prayed for God to help me understand why this happened. To help me to deal with the feelings I felt swarming me like no tomorrow, to handle my frustration in loosing a client,  to deal with the loss of income, to remove the extreme anger I felt towards him, the memories that were causing emotions in me I had no clue could surface so easily. I needed God! 

I drove in silence.  I cried.  I prayed.  I continued to drive home.  Halfway home I turned on the radio and one of the songs that played is one of my favorites, Need You Now by Plum.  Tears streamed down my face.  The words hit my heart.  "Everybody's got a story to tell.  [Oh God you know my story!] Everybody's got a wound to be healed.  [Yes, I have lots of wounds God...please heal them.]  I get so tired of holding on.  I wanna believe there's meaning here.  How many times have you heard me cry out?  How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?  Oh, I need you, God I need you now! [Oh God, do you know how much I need you???  Dear God, please be with me!]  Standing on a road I didn't plan.  [No Lord, this was not in my plans!] Wondering...Trying to hear that still small voice.  Though I walk through the shadows and I am so afraid.  Please stay, please stay right beside me.  With every single step I take."  

Once home, I wondered why I had not reached out to my friends to ask for prayer.  I needed it NOW!  I texted Jennifer, Miki and Michelle and asked them to pray for me.  [I know I could have texted many more of my friends and all of them/you would have prayed for me, but those are the ones I reached out to in this moment.] I let them know an incident with a client had turned my day upside down and I needed prayers as I was very shaken up.

I knew I couldn't stay at home.  Though I had errands to run, I didn't want to, but yet I knew that in order to make it through the day, I needed to move forward with them or I was just going to be a zombie.

I went and got prescriptions.  Then went to Jeff's to get the Valet Key on my old car [as the executor of my Will he has a key to my house and car] so that I could deliver that to the dealership.  Then I went to the dealership to drop that off and get a demo of how to set things up inside my car as we ran out of time to do that last night.  From there, I met Michelle for dinner.

Please pray for me as I work through these emotions and deal with all this in my heart and mind!

[this post was removed for a time per legal advice and so if you did not see it previously you will know why]

how to respond to this?

Since being in California for my Dad's Memorial, Mindy and I have had some text messages back and forth.  I have answered questions and made chit chat.  It hasn't been every day, but it has been way more frequent then we had before.  I have wanted to take the opportunity to show her I care and will communicate if she will not be rude and hang up on me, not yell at me with angry words and foul language, and if she can be nice.  We have not had communication since early 2010 when she texted me and told me to take her out of my will and then in August 2011 when she messaged me on Facebook telling me that even if I ever left "The Group" she had no interest, that she would not ready any mail or messages I sent and would discard them immediately, because my cruelty was beyond imagination.

Today she wrote this:
I thought you would have cared enough to tell me you've changed instead of finding it out other ways.  That's what.  Its just shocking to find you've been so judgmental about so many things when actually, you've been doing them all along. Not being open about it makes it seem like you don't think its a big deal.  Since you've never been treated by the group in the same way when you didn't have friends, its a different experience.  People who were treated differently (ostracized, judged, isolated, cruelly) have been telling me you may never understand.  It just shows me that you don't care that much.  That you thin you can undo all that in a breakfast.  When you've been left to die by people (litersally) it just takes a lot more than words to regain a place of trust and reliance and a relationship.  The fact that you didn't tell me about all the changes upfront seems really bizarre to me.  Like you just let me find out like you didn't care.

The message hurt.  It holds truth and untruths.  

I prayed for God to give me the words and wisdom to respond.  I then texted back:
Mindy, I would love to respond. I have class this morning and then am working with a client the rest of the day.  I will respond to your last few texts.  Love you!

Please pray for me that I will know how to show Gods love and answer these accusations, if they should be answered.  I would love the opportunity to share with her what has changed in my life and what hasn't.  I would love to let her know that many of her assumptions are wrong.  I would love to get across to her that I love her.  Really love her.

a new car!

I got my 2011 Honda Civic back today after 3 weeks of being in the shop.  The service adviser told me that they hoped that they had everything fixed but they were not sure.  Several additional issues came up this week and they barely had it ready for me today when I picked it up.  I drove it around and the burnt smell that was at the scene of the accident was not gone.  This smell was horrific and disgusting.  I was greatly disappointed in some issues it appeared to still have and decided that this was not a fight I wanted to deal with, did not want to deal with potential issues coming up and having to get another rental car while it was back in the shop, and in general this is not something I needed with my weekly travels around Texas.  I decided to see what I could get for it on a trade in. I have never traded in a car before, I always have sold them private party because I can get more for them typically.  However this instance was different.  It was paid for and only had $35k miles on it.  It still held a fairly decent price, though obviously much less since it had been in a wreck, even though fixed, it no longer had all Honda parts, many were replaced were after market and the lines and quality are not the same.  To find someone with cash to be able to purchase a vehicle like this would take work.  The risk of getting taken advantage of is higher.  The time it takes to sell a car for a good price can take awhile.  All of these things made me realize, trading it in was the better option.  I went to the new Honda Dealership located in Burleson.  The biggest thing besides with this dealership, besides the fact that it is in my hometown, is that they offer a lifetime power train warranty plan on any vehicle purchased through them.  Since I plan to keep this and drive it until it is dead [borrowing no other plans happen again like this last one], I will have it for years and that will be a well invested benefit.  We did some paperwork and then I took one for a test drive. [I had done this last weekend with a girlfriend because I would get a $25 Target Gift Card if I took one for a test drive].  We came back and did further negotiations and I decided to move forward with trading in my 2011 Honda Civic for a 2013 Honda Civic!  This was not in "the plans"...but it was the best thing in light of the situation.  The newer car has several options which I didn't have on my last one, some of which I will use, particularly one that will help me while I am on the road - the blue tooth to use my cell phone through the car.  This is beyond any "hands free device" you could get!  It syncs all contacts in your phone, will send text messages and make phone calls.  Talk about an incredible option!  I now have a $217 car payment, which doesn't make me happy after being debt free and working at paying down my house and doing repairs that need to be done to this place, but I made a mistake 3 weeks ago and it came with a price.  I will skim down the budget with less eating out [and any other things I can think of] and maybe even get a few more clients for my employees to work their accounts, and the goal will be to pay this off as soon as I can.  

My 1st was a manual four door white Honda Civic Sedan, that I bought two years old.  My 2nd was a manual two door eternal blue Honda Civic Coupe, that I bought brand new and took 2.5 years to pay off.  My 3rd was an automatic two door alabaster silver Honda Civic Coupe, that I bought brand new and paid off in 1 year.  This is my 4th Honda Civic, it is an automatic two door silver coupe and came with 92 miles on it!  I don't owe much on it since I traded in my other one so I fully suspect it will be paid for by year end.  I will post a picture soon!

more communication w/Mindy

text messages from Mindy:

If I had known you were in regular contact with our marked family I wouldn't have called you about Granma's death.  I would have known (assumed) you were contacted, fyi.

me:  What's regular contact?

Mindy: Years worth.  In person visits.

me:  Well that's an assumption. I am friends with Aunt Donna on FB & Carrie on FB.  1st time I talked to Aunt Donna was maybe 6 months ago.  I do not have email or phone numbers for Carrie & Trish.  D&D are no longer marked...not that that means anything to me anymore but don't know what you know.  Love you sis!

[My prayer:  Lord please help me to show your love to her through this!]

a true friend

comparison of faiths

Since January 2012, I have been traveling weekly to a clients office and I stay in a hotel not even a mile from the office.  I typically eat dinner at the same Italian restaurant, Roma's.  Why?  Because they treat me well!!!  They serve dinner until 9.30pm...no matter what time I come in, even if it is 5 minutes until closing, they will seat me and are kind and don't act in a hurry.  They fix whatever I want over veggies and omit the pasta.  If they are a BYOB place, however, because they know I travel and I don't want to buy a bottle and drink the whole thing by myself, they will give me a glass if they have some - on the house!  They are interested in how my work project is going and how life is with me.  The owner will sit and discuss business, employee issues, family and life with me.  The waitresses are sweet...they all take really good care of me!!!  And let me not forget to mention that their food is delicious! Absolutely yummy!!!

Tonight, I had to opportunity to make an observation of the people eating there.  As I walked in an Amish couple with a young kid and probably a mother or mother in law were making their way out of the restaurant.  As they were walking out, each of the adults looked me up and down and I could sense complete disapproval.  I was a black 3 tiered ruffled skirt with high heels and a dressy creamy white and black shirt that is about the length of my fingertips (actually the one I am wearing in my profile picture in this profile photo of me here on my blog).  I smiled at them.  I got no smile back, only a cold stare and eyes that didn't want to make contact.  I am not sure why, but it really struck me tonight so strongly, but it did...how is it every Amish person I have met is typically like this?  Maybe you have had a different encounter, but I can't remember one.  

Roma's allows you to pick where you want to sit and I usually pick a booth, they are so much more cozy to me then tables.  I opened my menu but really wasn't paying attention.  My mind was on these 4 people I just saw leave the restaurant.  My heart was hurting for the lack of contentment in their faces, for the cold stiff lives they are indebted to feel they must live.  What makes people like that feel so cold to others, whether believers or not, just because they don't dress as they do?  What makes them not be able to show God's love?  What makes them not be rejoicing in the fact their sins are forgiven?  What makes them not be able to radiate being blessed individuals?  Yet at the same time, I had feelings of knowing exactly what this bondage is like.  I have worshiped and met with Christians my entire life who are like this.  They state they don't believe just because you wear pants that you are not a Christian, but the way they treat Christians that do is a complete stark opposite example of that.  They make comments that they have walked away from God because their dress has changed.  They question that they really can be saved, yet they teach that you can't loose your Salvation.  It is a mixed bag of concepts and if you step back and reflect on it all logically, you will find things don't align up.  I have had people say to me, no they really don't Misty, you just think that.  Really?  A message was given a year ago about how their was a lady who was one of the other minister's Mom's and how she wore pants her entire life, painted her nails, wore ear rings but had a close relationship with the Lord and genuinely loved all Christians, maybe even more than those who didn't do those things.  However, when people that no longer meet with this group of Christian's came to the event for Manual and Renee last Saturday Night and wore pants, had painted nails and wore ear rings, the comments made publicly at the meeting the very next day were that this is a slap in God's face, conduct that "we" do not approve of and it was not appreciated.  What?  I thought you said that these things defined your relationship with Christ?  When mixed messages like this are sent out to people, it creates struggles in the hearts and minds of those who truly want to love each other and follow God.  You come away with feeling and believing that your dress is simply what is important.  People's approval is what is important.  Nothing about your relationship with God because these items supersede that.  The relationship with these people is simply and completely about approval.  I didn't used to think so until I stepped back away and dealt with questions, criticism, judgement based off of decisions I made, condemnation over how I have lived my life, and when I started really looking at what God's Word says and doesn't say, what I was taught, what I wasn't taught, what I believed, what I didn't believe, why I believed it, why I didn't believe it, what is carried out in action by others, by me and what God wants me to carry out in action...When you look at it through this lens, you have a whole different viewpoint on what you have always considered "right".

As I was sitting there trying to work through these thoughts in my heart and mind, I overheard conversation at the round table next to my booth.  There were two couples there.  One of the guys was discussing a really good movie that he wanted the other couple to see, Seven Days in Utopia.  [I saw this movie on Netflix during my surgery recovery and it greatly impacted my world!]  Their conversation went on to The History Channel that is showing a Bible Series right now.  In the midst of this, their food was delivered and they prayed before they ate.  They thanked God for His love, the forgiveness of sins, for their time together and His part in their lives and for all the people all over the world.

As I was taking this all in, my heart was Lord, why are all these events happening in a row for me tonight?  What do you want me to learn?  What am I to take away from this? Do you want me to go talk to them?  I felt a sense of a message: "Be Still my child and watch and listen."  I did.

I ordered my food.  Before I received my order, another middle to older aged couple came in with their handicapped daughter.  They sat in the booth next to me with the wheelchair parked at the end.  The man was the most kind to this girl.  She kept trying to say things and he didn't understand what she was saying, yet he kept trying to figure it out.  He did not get impatient.  He did not get irritated.  He laughed when he got it wrong and kept trying.  They ordered.  Their food arrived.  Then he prayed, loud so I could hear the entire thing.  He thanked God for this new house they just got, for it having more storage then the last place and for it accommodating all their needs.  He thanked them that everything had gone smoothly.  He asked that they be a testimony to this community and meet new friends.  He thanked God for the forgiveness of sins and for God's love.  It was not a long prayer, but it was very heartfelt.

At this point, I felt overwhelmed by the sheer contrast of the people I had seen upon arrival who were walking out the door who "looked" like faith believing individuals but that lacked the rejoicing spirit to those who sat in the table and booth next to me that were not dressed and did not look like faith believing individuals, yet their lives clearly were centered around God and His love, His forgiveness, and very apart of their lives!!!

I finished my food in silence and in prayer and headed to the hotel to pray and seek God's direction for the meaning of all this in one evening. I absolutely believe He had one, and though I may not know what it means all yet, I know it is a seed He is working to grow in my life.  God is teaching me lessons and I am overwhelmed by the daily ways He is apart of my life and showing me His ways!  I wish I could blog about all of them...but alas, I don't have that amount of time, but I do plan to try to do as much sharing as I can.  God is very sovereign!  Beyond what I have ever known Him to be!

extreme gratitute

I continue to rejoice!  I am beyond grateful and counting my blessings over and over for the things the Lord has worked out for me lately after several events that have been very challenging and difficult, particularly with the 5 month fight with my Health Insurance with regards to payment processing for the claims related to my surgery back in October 2012.  

God had a plan from the beginning and I have trusted that whatever happened would be the way He wanted it to be.  He knew all the little details.  He knew my Insurance was going to deny payment.  He know that it would take a fight to get it reconsidered.  He knew I had the experience and the skills to provide an effective and successful argument; however it is also very well known that even effective arguments are not won and that in the end this might not be in my favor.  I appreciate Him looking out for me.  Though I have Endometriosis, this was not the final reason we decided to do surgery and therefore for insurance to bundle it all was inappropriate and in the end, I won because I fought with facts and details of my condition and I trusted God to do the rest.  

The Lord truly answers are prayers when we trust Him and let Him answer in His time.  It was not something I figured would end in my favor, but I was determined to try, even if that meant up 3 Levels to get an effective response.  I was going to do it.  I knew in the end, it would take God to do His work on my behalf.  He did.  It only took 2 Levels to reach a favorable decision.

I am daily grateful.

Quotes

When fear knocks, let faith answer the door.
- Joel Osteen

[baggage]

Benefit Dinner for Manual & Renee

Wow!  What a great turnout tonight for the Benefit Dinner in honor of Manual & Renee.  I didn't get to say hi to all of my friends, saw many of them across the room, and others that I never even saw but heard later were there.  It is so hard sometimes in a big group to get around to everyone.  Lots of people from Oklahoma came down, which was really kind of them to make the effort.

For those of you that don't know, Manual has cancer.  Kidney and Lung.  He is set to go to MD Anderson this next week to see what options they might have for him.  Please keep them in your prayers.  This has been a tough journey, but they know they have the Lord with them by their side and that He will work this out according to His Will.  We also know that the Lord hears and answers prayer and that we can make our requests known to Him and He will hear us!  What a blessing that is.

Manual & Renee had all the people that were the closest to them sit at their table.  Many of them were people who no longer meet with the Fort Worth Group of Christians, but who love them dearly and who are very much apart of and involved in their lives.  I was grateful that Manual & Renee did this because it showed who truly are their friends.  They didn't feel the need to have others at their table who they are not close to, only because they "still come to meetings".   You might not understand, but in the situation with a lot of dynamics going on in this assembly, I think it was a needed message regardless of what is said by others.

There were lots and lots of small dollar stuff for the Silent Auction.  As I walked around the room and viewed the items, I wasn't thinking we were going to have the results we did.  I don't mean that in a mean way, I simply didn't see the high bids and wasn't sure we would raise very much, but in the end, it was a good result.  We raised $5K from the dinner itself and $12K in Auction items.  I am sure it was over $17K by the time everyone paid their dues because I know several paid more.  I wasn't going to bid on anything because I have no real needs and have tons of things [truly more than one person needs in a house], however I then thought since I was going to donate some money anyways, if I found some neat items I could just give them as gifts.  In the end, I bid on three items: a cream throw, a cute sign that said Amazing Grace with a flower on it, and a burlap pillow that had the word HOME written across it made by Charlotte Bishop.  I was the highest bidder for the throw.  I was bidding against two individuals for the Amazing Grace sign, and the price kept going up and up.  One of the people who was bidding was very irritated with me for bidding it up.  This person told me at one point to stay away, it was theirs.  I laughed and said, I am not sure I am going to bid more, I need to think about it.  In the end, I did.  The person found me later and said I am going to slit your throat, I want that really bad, you are having way too much fun with this.  I was bewildered.  It is a Silent Auction.  That means you can bid an item up if you want to and pay as much money for it if you want to.  If they want it, they have to pay more then I am willing to pay.  That is how it works.  Why would you be so upset over something like this?  It hurt.  I wasn't doing this to make enemies...and if truth be told, when I initially saw their name on the bidding sheet, I thought it would make a nice birthday gift to them as what I wanted to do for their birthday never worked out with their schedule.  However when the bidding got higher and higher and those things were said to me, it made me just want to keep it because it simply was a lovely item that I loved and really wanted in my house as I knew it would look perfect.  In the end, I wasn't the highest bidder.  However I learned that the person who was had every intention of giving it to me because of how much that message means to me!  Wow!!!  I told them they should have sent me a text message and I wouldn't have continued to keep bidding against them.  LOL!  I am sure that now I have an enemy for sure in the deal with these results.  Ugh.  Regardless of my Silent Auction bidding experience, I am very glad for the results of the evening!  Even though we could have done all that giving without that work.  LOL!!!  I was at a Fund Raiser the first week of January for a Mission Trip to Uganda and $16K was raised in Joshua, TX just by giving hearts who wanted to bless the efforts of God - no meal and no items, simply money.  I was absolutely BLOWN away that this much money could be raised in less than two hours by such a small town!  I truly was disappointed we didn't end the evening in prayer...I have learned how important prayer is, how effective it can be on our lives when we do it, different styles and ways to pray from participating in Bible Study Groups, and it truly would have been a great way to finalize the evening.  I think that would have been an uplifting time to a song that closed the time in sadness, Softly and Tenderly, just didn't seem to be a piece that brought about an uplifting, rejoicing and message of hope to me...but again, it wasn't my picking, it was someone else's.  This is just the observation that I had as I came away from the evening after seeing the family break down crying at this point because of the tone this song left in the air.  I didn't stay long afterwards because I was so beat by staying up so late, much later than I physically can do...though I keep trying to do it, it kills me every time.  I can't do it.  I want to so disparately and keep trying to forge ahead, but the undeniable issues I deal with later are plain awful.  

In the end, I know it was a great opportunity to let Manuel & Renee know how much they are loved!!!  

psalm 9:10

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
- Psalm 9:10

Quotes

Carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.  
- Princess Diana

an adorable purse!

I love this purse!  Gonna have to make me one...

repairs on car have been started...

The repairs on my car have been started.  At this point, they believe that they can fix it and will proceed at doing so.  The estimated repairs are at $6K at the moment with the value of the car approximately $15K.  I learned that since the lady I hit has coverage with the same automobile insurance that I do, they waive the deductible.  This is a $1K savings for me!!!

I was put in a White Chevrolet Captiva last Saturday and I went to Enterprise today to see if I could exchange it for a car.  Don't get me wrong, it is a nice vehicle and I have enjoyed driving something different, but I wanted to save the $4.19 I am having to spend a day over the allowed amount my insurance covers in the daily rental, plus I have been spoiled with very good gas milage and this sports utility vehicle is costing money I am not used to spending on fuel!  I filled up today and it was $65!!!  Alas, they did not have a car available for me to trade out.  Maybe if I had planned this earlier in the week it might have worked that way, but since I have been out of town and wanted to wait until I had gotten word on the repairs on my car, I didn't want to jump the gun too soon.  In the end, they lowered the cost of the car and left me in what I am driving.  So a partial win.  See what happens when you ask?

a response to my Appeal

I got home tonight about 9.30pm from my weekly business trip, with the feeling of having had a long week and really ready for it to end.  I pulled into the garage, grabbed my suitcase, pillows, unlocked the door and came inside the house.  I was locking the door to the garage when I thought to myself that I should go get the mail, but talked myself out of it because I just wanted to crawl in bed as I was flat out exhausted.  Then I remembered I had a full day scheduled for Saturday and I better just go do it now or it might be Monday before I got to it.  

After pulling out the mail from my locked mailbox slot, I flipped through the pieces and saw I had a piece from Humana, my Health Insurance Policy.  I honestly felt my heart skip a beat with anticipation as to the fact that I had correspondence from them, in all likelihood with regards to determination on the Appeal I sent to them.  I thought to myself, I am so tired and emotionally worn thin do I really want to read this tonight?  I thought about waiting until the next day, but decided to be calm and open it, knowing that whatever it said would have to be dealt with one way or another.  Either a third level appeal or potentially maybe some good news.  After a string of challenges, several disappointments, feeling devastated with the fight, discouraged with life, exhausted beyond words...I wasn't sure I was ready for any more news like I have had lately, but I wasn't sure I could put the letter aside and not open it until later, so I opted to open it.  The letter read "Here is the Decision on Your Inquiry" [This was a notice in response to my 2nd Level Appeal with regards to the denial to pay my surgery claims from my complete hysterectomy back on 10.09.2012.]  The letter stated "Our members are important to us, and we appreciate your patience while this was was investigated. [I am thinking, yah, yah, yah...normally blah blah stuff, let's get to the pertinent stuff.]  After a full and fair review of the information they have approved your request." [What?  They actually listened to me???  Dear God, Thank You!!!]  It went on to state "We approved coverage for services rendered to you on October 9, 2012, because of the additional information received with your appeal.  The information was sent to Humana's Medical Director who confirmed the service you received were not related to the Exclusionary Rider on your policy for endometriosis."  

Wow!  I truly  believed that God would work this out according to His plan, I trusted He knew what He was doing, but I honestly felt I probably was going to have to exhaust all options and complete all three levels of Appeals for me to get anywhere.  My deductible was completely met before I had surgery, which means I should have $0 out of pocket expense for this operation.  I knew that my patience, fervent prayers, my practical approach to the facts laid out in my Appeal, my bull dog approach (nickname given me by one of my clients which means stubbornly persistent), and my 17 years industry experience all were reasons that this ended up being ruled in my favor! This was some much needed good news during some really heavy times I have been facing!  

I am crawling in bed tonight with tears and gratitude that my God is with me!!! He has known my hurt...my pain...my frustration... my sorrow...my needs...my feelings of being all alone...the impact of this financially...and He has been working a plan through all this. I never doubted Him...I simply have been VERY overwhelmed with the insurmountable amount of trials of late. No matter what happens next, I will still praise Him! He is MY God! And HE LOVES ME!!!

For those of you who have known about this issue and have prayed for me, fervently prayed for me and kept in touch with me on this situation to continue to pray on my behalf, I earnestly Thank You!  Knowing I have prayer warriors out there who share my burdens is a deep encouragement and I say Thank You!

john 16:33

a little bit of sunshine...

flowers sent to me with the message:
Dear Misty, We are praying for you! Just wanted to bring a little sunshine to your day! keep on dear one! Ps55:22NLT Hugs! Uncle Truman & Aunt Jess, Dustin & Lavina, Brady, Lacey & Mels.  We Love You, Misty!

a drive to nowhere?

sometimes it feels like a road to nowhere...yah, I am on one of those roads! but I know better...I just haven't found the sign yet to confirm it.

car has arrived at the Auto Body Shop

Why can't people do their jobs?  Why is it anymore that a person's word no longer means anything because they don't hold to it or back it up?  You ask what am I referring to?

When I logged my claim for the auto accident I had on 03.01.2013, I was told a tow truck would be out within the hour.  That didn't happen.  In fact, a tow truck never showed up from my Insurance Carrier, even after I called back a second time and was told they would be there in 10 minutes.  They called 3.25 hours later to see if I still had a need when I was 2 blocks from my house.  I was told my vehicle would be taken first thing Monday morning to the Auto Body Shop.  That didn't happen.  When I called to check the status of things at 5.30pm yesterday, I was told by the Auto Body Shop that my car had never arrived.  I called the wrecking yard and was told my car had never been picked up. I then called my Insurance Company to find out the status and why things were hung up.  They initially told me that because I had not signed out the car they couldn't tow it.  I told them that was not true as I had signed for it at 2pmCST on Sunday, March 3rd.  I asked what else needed to be signed for.  They then transferred me and I was put on hold for more research to be done.  They came back and told me that she had called the towing company and that my car had already been towed.  At this point, I lost it and went off on the lady.  I asked her why she would lie to me.  I told her that she didn't listen to one thing I had said in the line up of events.  She then put me back on hold and called the wrecking yard and confirmed that yes my car had not been picked up yet.  She then called the Auto Body Shop and said that they had an after hours lot that a vehicle could be dropped off at and so she would arrange for it to be towed ASAP.  

I was frustrated.  It  seems that even though you pay money for service, nobody gives a rip about doing things right or as they say will happen.  Nobody cares.  

I learned this morning that they indeed towed my car last night but there was not an open gate to leave the vehicle and so they towed it back to Duncanville last night.  It was retowed this morning after my adjuster got my email and contacted a supervisor to get the situation resolved.  

The estimate will be generated today, after a complete assessment and they disassemble my car, which they should begin tomorrow.  They will not know until then if it is repairable or totaled though they are thinking they can fix it.  I will go by later today to sign paperwork.

Bible Study 03.03.2013

Not everyone was able to make the Bible Study tonight, so we did not proceed with our typical study as there were only 5 of us there.  So we ended up doing a different format.  We stood around in the kitchen and discussed a few things:

• How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares when all they have seen is pain and heartache and they don't believe a real God would allow suffering?
• What does Romans 8:28 mean when it says all things work together for good?
• And we discussed the trying of your faith brings forth patience.  James 1:3 and and Romans 5:3 & 4

How would you convey to someone that God is a loving God and truly cares?

a call from Mom

I received a call from my Mom today as I was en route to the wrecker site to sign paperwork to have my car towed tomorrow to the auto body shop.  I debated about whether to answer it.  The calls normally come through without the phone number listed as Private Number.  Today it came through with the phone number listed and I knew it was hers even though she is not in my phone.  So why would I debate?  Because I couldn't think of a reason she would be calling me and I wasn't sure we needed to have a conversation.  Everything she has relayed to others about me of late is full of anger and hatred, so why would I want to talk to someone like that?  She didn't call me to let me know that Dad had passed and canceled the Memorial when she learned I was coming.   Pretty simple.  That is why I debated.  In the end, I decided to answer and move forward.

She let me know she was sorry that I had had a wreck.  [I wondered who had told her this information.]  I replied that I was sorry too.  She then said "Honey, if you are willing to work with me I am willing to work with you.  If you need to come home, you can.  You can rent from me or whatever you need to do."  [Excuse me?  You will work with me if I work with you???  What type of a deal is this?  I have had a wreck and you think that means I need to come to live with you???  You think that is home to me?]  I took a deep breath, and said, "Thanks Mom, but I don't think that will be necessary." She then went on to say that she was glad that I came to the Memorial.  I responded "I am very glad I came too Mom.  I am very Thankful for ALL Uncle Dana and Aunt Donna did for the event.  They truly went out of their way and I appreciate their efforts."  She said, "Yah, me too."  She then said, "Please be in prayer for me honey about selling the house and all that is going to have to be done with the help of Truman and others. I don't know how I am going to do all this or what decisions I am going to have to make, so please pray for me."  I said "I will continue to pray for you Mom."  And we hung up.

The situation is absolutely laughable.  She obviously is feeling lonely and needing to control someone and so she is trying to make up a situation so that she can do just that.  My Mom's house is not home to me.  Just because my car was in a wreck and may or may not be repairable, doesn't mean that I need to move anywhere, let alone in with my Mom. I have been gone 15.5 years and taken care of every need I have had.  Mom has nothing to offer me.  

Wow.

continued thanks...

Continuing to THANK God for being with me yesterday in spite of a major event on an already rough day, 11 days since Granma Omi passed away, which was 11 days since my Dad passed away. I don't understand all the events and things that keep happening, but I am beyond grateful nobody was injured (me or 3 people in the vehicle I rear ended)!!! I am beyond blessed for meeting a lady of faith that told me that I was forgiven before this ever happened...she has no clue what impact she... had on me during that moment. I am privileged to have wonderful friends who care and check in on me. 

I am fine...just very much emotionally and physically drained by the events for the last 7-8 weeks. I don't understand God's plan, but I have faith He has one and that it is going according to His will. Even in this, I will praise Him!

an Auto Accident on the way home from a clients office

Today was one of those really rough days...ones when you feel nothing is going right.  It started by a text message from an employee of a client's office asking when I was to be onsite as the Phone Service Technician was already at the office, though nobody had informed me of the time they were going to arrive and I typically don't arrive before 9am unless I have something scheduled and/or didn't work late the night before.  I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that I was deeply frustrated.  My neck was killing me.  I wanted to scream I was in so much pain.  I had taken pain medicine and let the hot water from the shower try to massage my neck, but the tense pain was there.  My client needed me to stay a third day, which meant that I had to cancel my acupuncture appointment I had scheduled.  On top of this, I had a few more changes that needed to be done to the voicemail script before we launched into that project, and since he was already there, I knew that was going to crimp getting it done.  I hurried as fast as I could but the reality is, I had just gotten up a few minutes prior to the text message and knew there was no way that I would make it to the office before 9am by the time I checked out of the hotel and attempted to get some coffee and breakfast.  I checked out of the hotel, grabbed a package of oatmeal and a paper cup and spoon, went through the McDonald's Drive Thru to get a large French Vanilla Latte and a yogurt parfait and rushed to the clinic.  In reality, I am not sure why I did all this because I never got to eat any of it!

When I arrived at the office, the guy was keenly perturbed with me.  I apologized, but it seemed to do no good.  This did nothing to life my spirits.  When I couldn't locate the information  he was looking for in a locked file cabinet that I had keys to, his frustration with me seemed to increase.  When I requested things he said couldn't be done and told him that I knew they could as I had worked with Avaya Messaging systems at other practices, he got immensely irritated with me.  I told him that I was sorry, I simply was trying to carry out my clients wishes and get things resolved.  He didn't care.  In the midst of working on this, the new locum provider that started two days previously couldn't get the EMR system to take her password so she could sign off on a note and send the prescription on a patient.  I needed the assistance of my client who was off for the day.  In trying to trouble shoot that, a call came in from one of the guys from the IT Department we work with needing my assistance on a project.  In the midst of that, our Attorney called regarding an issue we are working on with a Wage Claim Report filed by an Ex-Employee.  And if that wasn't enough, I had someone come in my office wanting to talk to me.  Overload?  Yes, beyond words.  This was just the first 30 minutes of my day.  Without going into all the details, let me tell you that this is how it was the rest of the day proceeded.  I thought I would get to eat a bite after my lunch meeting from 1-2pmCST and before 3pmCST when AFLAC representatives were supposed to arrive.  However, they arrived early.  While in the middle of working with two AFLAC account representatives in my office, one of the providers came up and barged in my office and said that we needed to call CPS right now on a patient.  Everything else went on hold and I launched into that.  When 5pmCST rolled around and the staff were leaving, believe me, when I say that I was more than ready to exit right with them!  I am typically one who presses on no matter the situation, even against all odds, when most people would give up, I dig in my heels and become stubborn and hence get the nick name for being a bull dog.  I didn't feel that today.  No breakfast.  No lunch.  Neck pain screaming to kill me.  Problems with every single item on the agenda.  Resolutions not coming through even though I was trying disparately to get them done.  I was left completely and utterly exhausted.  Ready to just crawl in bed, my own bed, as living out of a suitcase and traveling and staying in bed/hotels for days on end the last two weeks that were not my own were catching up with me.  My fuse was short.  I wanted to have quiet and sleep...even if that meant I still had pain, I needed quiet.  I needed alone time with God.

I left earlier than I typically do from this clients office, a little bit before 6.30pmCST.  The drive home is on average an hour and 15 minutes, but can take and hour and 30 minutes.  I knew on a Friday night at this time of day, I was looking at a full 90 minute drive if not longer.  I took 175 north to I20 and headed West.  There was traffic.  Lots of traffic as I expected to have since it was Friday night and I typically wasn't on the road at that hour and therefore knew I would spend a fair amount of time not flying down the highway but in stop and go mess.  I was in the fast lane and had come to a screeching halt several times with the lanes beside me continuing to roll on by.  Each time I stopped, I would respond to text messages through my voice response option on the text messaging screen.  I had just finished a response and laid the phone on the shotgun seat when we took off again...but not for long.  We were going to be stopped shortly again.  After having done this several times and noticing a pattern in the traffic, I figured there probably was a wreck in the fast lane and I decided I would change lanes to avoid it.  I have been dealing with severe neck pain this week from all my travels, late nights and stress of several events compiling up.  I had to strain to look over my right shoulder to move into the right lane, but it wasn't clear and so I realized I wasn't going to be able to do that.  I looked back to the car in front of me and realized it was stopped more than I thought it was and I clearly was headed straight for the rear end head on and unless I did some quick magic, I was going to hit it.  I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could and tried to let up and press again even harder to decrease the impact. Very little seemed to be achieved by all this.  There was lots of crunching.  Lots of smoke.  Lots of burnt smell.  Utter devastation set in that I had caused a wreck and my car was ruined.  I just sat there, shaking all over.  I couldn't seem to think...couldn't seem to move and then suddenly I felt like I needed to hurry and get out of the vehicle fast.  The smell and smoke was getting worse.  My cell phone had slid onto the shotgun seat floor, I tried to grab it but my seat belt wouldn't let me move.  I unbuckled, grabbed my phone and started to hop out of the car.  As I did this, I thought better of that and grabbed my purse also and tried to quickly move and get out.  It was difficult as the drivers side door didn't want to open all the way, I had to force it to squeeze my body out.  I rushed to the car I hit and saw there were 3 passengers inside.  The driver rolled down her window as I approached and I immediately apologized and asked if everyone was okay.  I asked again if everyone was okay.  They nodded.  The passengers in the shotgun seat I could tell was greatly perturbed with me, but they all were calm and were not ugly to me.  The driver was particularly kind.  She got out and said we needed to look things over.  She saw that my car was very well damaged on the front end had come up right under her bumper.  I asked her if she felt she could move over the shoulder on the left so we could get out of the way of traffic.  She wasn't sure if I would be able to move as my car was spewing a bunch of liquid on the ground, but I told her I was going to try, I had nothing to loose at this point.  The problem was by this time, traffic was going around us on the shoulder which was preventing us from moving out of the way.  I decided to step into that lane and put my hand up and instruct people to go right around my vehicle.  It took a bit to get the cars to pay attention and quit just following the leader and change their path.  After a bit, a few cars started following heed and then everyone was following them, I quickly jumped in my car and moved over onto the shoulder.  There was lots of deb re in the lane.  I waited to get traffic to slow down again so that I could go into that lane and move all the big pieces out of the way.  I then went back and exchanged information with the lady who was sitting back in her car.  I got her name, her phone number, her email address, her insurance, the name and phone number of her two passengers...my handwriting being very much scribbles due to my shaky hands.  I asked again if everyone was okay and to let me know later if that changed.  I was still shaking all over.  I couldn't get the shakes to stop.  I then went to take pictures of her vehicle and mine.  She got out of her car again and told me she was worried about leaving me.  I told her not to worry about me, I would be fine.  She said but you are still shaking, I can tell.  I said, yes, I am, I have never hit another vehicle like this...you have no idea how I am feeling.  She said, believe me, it is just a car, we are all fine.  I reached out and hugged her and told her thanks for being so sweet.  She put her hand on my shoulders and said "you were forgiven before this ever happened, I promise it is all good".  Wow!  To have the fortitude to say that in this moment, she has no clue what an impact she made on me!!!  She has now clue how I daily, hourly beat myself up.  I always feel like a failure, no matter my results.  I always feel like I am not good enough, no matter how hard I try.  If she only knew...but you know what God knew!  God knew I needed her.  God knew what needed to be said to me.  She said that everyone in the car had voted to not wait for the police and they were going to head on.  I told her I understood.  I told her not to worry about me, I would make some calls and get help, as I wasn't going anywhere.  My car wasn't drive-able.

I placed a call to my Auto Insurance Carrier, Safeco, and filed a claim.  They setup a Rental Car Reservation for me with Enterprise in Burleson and scheduled a Tow Truck to come out.  I then made calls to see who could come and get me.  I had lots of client files in my car, my suitcase, my pillows, and my clothes as I had been on a 3 day business trip and I wasn't sure a wrecker would let me take all that with me wherever they were going to drop off my car.   After getting all that aligned up and waiting for almost 90 minutes, I called my Insurance back to check status of the wrecker service.  They said they were running behind and that they would be out in another 10 minutes.  Whatever, I didn't believe them.  My flashers were still on, but my battery was getting dim, and I was very tired, cold and needed to use the bathroom badly.  At this moment, the day was really starting to mount up against me.  I was starting to feel very much as if life was harder than I ever dreamed...and yet at the same time I had a peace knowing it was not being controlled by me.  I wasn't sure how long my battery would last and the flashers would still be flashing to alert traffic.  I was getting cold, very cold.  The wind was howling and it was dark.  I just sat there and waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  I felt all alone.  But I knew in reality, I wasn't.  I had friends praying for me...one who even called to pray over the phone with me in the moment.  Friends calling and texting to check on me.  I had angels all around me.  I had God watching over me.  My vehicle battery was dying, my cell phone battery was dying, my day had ended in a not so pleasant way, but God was still in control.  He sent the Courtesy Patrol along who pulled up right behind me to inspect a report of an unattended vehicle on the side of the road.  He found me inside, but I couldn't get the window to roll down or the car door to unlock due to the power locks and a battery almost dead.  I tried and tried and tried and finally got it down.  He asked me some questions and learned of the situation and how long I had been sitting there and said he would get a deputy out right away.  A few minutes later, Aunt Connie arrived.  I handed her everything through the drivers side window since there was no way to get the door opened.  Once everything was out of my car, I pulled myself out through the window.  Aunt Connie was worried that I would be able to do this in the wind and cold and dark.  I told her she forgot I knew how to do this, this is how you get in and out of a Race Car or Dune Buggy!  LOL!!!  Within 15 minutes a deputy arrived, Deputy Cloud 968 who was very kind and helpful and gave me advice on the situation.  He also took all my information and ran the ladies license plate and all information came up correct to what I had.  Within another 15 minutes a tow truck was out and had my car loaded up.  Aunt Connie and I headed to the next exit at 09.30pmCST so that I could make a pit stop before the hour drive home.  We were three blocks from my house when the wrecker service my Auto Insurance Carrier had contacted to come assist me, called me to see if I still needed assistance.  I was flabbergasted.  I let them know I didn't because that was 3.25 hours ago that call was made and the deputy had gotten someone out in 15 minutes!  Wow...if I had not had the Courtesy Patrol Car show up...would I have still been sitting there? waiting???

The Front End damage to my car
[pictures don't do it justice to the angle and pushed in effect on the engine and parts]

Another head on view of the damage, again, doesn't do it justice as seen in person

Though this day one year ago was an exciting day because I paid off my car...it wasn't such an exciting day today because I had my first wreck in the car, potentially may have totaled my car with all the damage that was done and repairs that will need to take place not just on the body work, but the engine.  

I am requesting your prayers...please continue to pray for me!  The last few weeks have been very challenging.  I don't feel in the frame of mind to roll with all that is coming my way in "waves like sea billows roll" as the song says.  I am stretched thin on time and finances at the moment with being gone to California two weekends in a row, 5 days and then 4 days, along with a surgery bill looming over my head and now potentially another car payment on the books, I feel like I am in debt and behind once again.  I know God will take care of me...I just don't understand why He feels I am so strong to handle all this right now.  I can't help but question what God has in mind.  Do I not have enough faith?  Am I not trusting Him to provide for me?  Why me? Why now?  What am I supposed to learn?  Maybe in time I will know.  Maybe in time it will make sense.  For now, I ask for strength and patience to ride out my trials.