Quotes

There is a cause and effect in scripture.
- Dave Ramsey

romans 8:31

Quotes

Courage is a love affair with the unknown.
- Osho

friendship

Friendship sits at a little table

with cups of coffee.

It listens, smiles,

and always knows exactly what you mean.

It can unexpectedly burst into loud laughter,

the kind that makes other people look - 

but sometimes, it's kind of quiet, too.

Sometimes friendship is 

every single day for a week, 

and then other times

it feels like forever

since you've connected...

no matter

how much time goes by,

you and your friendship mean the world to me!

[loved the words to this card I sent a friend a few weeks ago...thought I would share with you]

Counseling Session #9

I know better than to procrastinate.  Procrastination at its finest, is never a good thing.  It never makes something easier.  Yet I continue to do that with my homework between counseling sessions.  

I am not sure why I do this.  I really don't.  This isn't me, I am a person who likes to tackle projects, the feeling of accomplishment is very rewarding, and I have no intentions of quitting.  I intend to tell my story, every gut wrenching piece of it.  I intend to do exactly what my parents forbade me to do, discuss what went on in our home, every blasted detail.  Yup, I do.  

So, why do I keep doing this?

I got home from my day yesterday and knew that I needed to do my homework.  I went to my office, opened the laptop, pulled up the document and tried to write.  Nothing came.  My heart wasn't in it.  I had had a great day...but now, my mood changed.  I didn't want to do this.  I decided I wouldn't. I would not force myself to do what I normally would do and make it happen.  I would go to bed and sleep.

I woke up a little after 5am with the startling realization that I needed to do my homework and continue to write my story. I didn't dread it, but wasn't really looking forward to it either.  I prayed.  I asked God for strength to continue to write.  For strength to face what I didn't want to do.  For strength to continue on a journey that I will be courageous on!  For a journey that I know He has a plan about.  For a journey that He has given me!  Thoughts started coming about what to write.  I crawled out of bed and wrote for almost an hour and a half.  

Anxiety started to take over.  I started to dread my appointment.  Seeing the words that were written out on paper is a hard thing.  I decided to hit the track.  The first song on my Pandora app was Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray.   Awwwhhhhh, God was listening to me.  I walked hard.  I prayed hard.  I heard more music about God's Love for me.  Just as I was about to jump in the shower, a girlfriend texted me that she was praying for me.  Another awwwhhhhh!

Counseling was tough.  Just as I anticipated it being because we are getting deep into the heart of my story.  My counselor asked if I was okay.  [Just so you know, I hate to tell you I am not okay.  It kills me inside to admit I can't do something, I am a failure, I will not tell you this and thus I will avoid telling you that I am not okay.]  With tears streaming down my face I nodded.  She said Misty, you're not, are you?  I told her, "I refuse to state I am not okay.  I can't change my story!  I can't change what happened, what was said, what was done, what my life was.  So then why do I dread telling my story?  Why is this so hard for me?  Why do I have guilt telling my story?  I get my parents told me to never ever share or tell my story, but its doesn't change the truth.  Not one bit of it."  She said, yes, but you know your parents did not ever want you to tell and you remember those conversations, you know they do not approve of you telling and that is going to be in your heart no matter how you want to proceed.

Again, she is right.

At one point she told me:  "You realize that no matter how you tell the truth of your story, some people are flat out not going to believe it."  

Yes, I know.  People have a hard time facing the truth of ugly stories.  I probably would be shunned for my horrible story.  People would not believe I was telling the truth.  Family would only condemn me more.  Friends would use it to say, see, we knew you were from a crazy home - you are going to be just "like her".  

Yes, I know.  More than you realize.  I face these thoughts.  It's tough.  If you only knew, how tough.

I still am going to tell the truth of my story, regardless of what you think of me.  My end goal is to write a book, not because I have anything profound to share but because I want to encourage everyone to live a courageous journey.  Regardless if you believe me.  I know its the truth.  And God helping me, I will get through the rest of this gut wrenching part of my story because it is killing me.  This is tougher than you can imagine, and I think for some reason, I thought I could tell my story in 3rd person and it would be easier.  How naive of me.  

The knot in my stomach is bad and it is affecting my appetite.  It's been this way now for a few weeks and now, the results of that is showing.  I am losing weight.  The clothes I bought in February and March aren't looking so good.  I am down 8 pounds from the last time I was at the doctors office.  I simply am just not hungry even though I am not skipping meals [outside of the meal before counseling] and many times I will drink a shake to make sure I get protein and have a meal but there is not the normal "live to eat" appetite.  I pick at my food, I get full really fast or disinterested quickly.  This is not me.  I realize its a page in this chapter, hopefully not a full chapter in my current story.  

I am trying to be patient with myself.  

I am trying to work through the emotions and thoughts that swarm at you, because it is unbelievable.  I never dreamed things that happened to me nearly 20 years ago or more would or could create such feelings in me. 

I am trying to think of all this as God would.  

As I left the session today, I got into my car to run an errand and head to my home office to work with an employee.  The song Need You Now by Plumb was the song that came on. As I listened to the lyrics, my heart bled.  My eyes spilled tears, hard tears.  I need God.  I need strength to face this time in my life.

"Everybody's got a story to tell...And everybody's got a wound to be healed.  I want to believe there's beauty here...I'm trying to hear that still small voice.  God, I need you now!"

Once again, God used music to speak to me.  This song has been one used more than once in my life.  The last few months.  I pray for more strength to face this time in my life.

Quotes

Live a life of giving – for a life without giving, will be a life without meaning!
- Dr Walid Saade

a 3 hour lunch with friends

[left to right]
April, Leslie & Me

Today was an absolutely fun day!

April is in town for a few days and she met up with Leslie and I at Olive Garden in Fort Worth.  We spent nearly 3.5 hours over lunch!!!  April shared with me what she has been facing in life and what decisions she has had to make and how she has learned so much about God.  She shared more of her childhood and siblings connections with me.  Leslie and I have chatted a few times when we have been at the Assembly, but this is the first time I really had a deep conversation and got to hear her story as it relates to her and her fiance, Bobby.  She told us that there is no way she was going to make it through telling her story without crying.  April said it well, I love emotion, it makes a true story!  She shared Bobby's decision to give his life to God and serve God.  This choice has impacted his life in so many ways.  It is another reminder that no matter the mess you come from, you still have a choice and you can choose to allow God to put the broken pieces back together.  

I couldn't help but think of my brother.  Wish he had this perspective.

The night before April's Wedding, March 2003, was the night I shared my story with Jeff. Interesting that I would see her during this time when I am doing counseling to move forward with telling my complete story?!!!  I am continually amazed at how God works things out and His timing.

Quotes

When you look at problems with the eyes of possibilities, on the knees of prayer & with the strength of perseverance, you'll see God working for you, in you & thru you.
 - Peter Rahme

song ~ help me find it

Help Me Find It
by Sidewalk Prophets


I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

[Chorus:]
If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

[Chorus]

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

[Chorus]

you never know when you might save someone's life

Tori and I are friends on Facebook.  I met her when I attended the Chick-fil-A Leadercast Event 2013 back in May.  This is the 2nd time I have attended the event at her Church [Morning Chapel CME Church] and 3rd year to attend the conference.  Over lunch that day, she shared her story with all of us.

Well today, Brenda and her girls came over to swim.  It was a hot day and we called things off a little earlier than anticipated.  I came in about 4pm and got changed for us to go out for an early dinner before she headed home and of course, I had to check my Facebook News Feed.  I LOVE FACEBOOK!  

Tori had posted a request: 

Someone HELP please I need a Epipen ASAP.............

It all had to do with timing because if I had not checked Facebook when I did, I would not have seen the post.  I would not have been able to let her know that I had an EpiPen and that I would give it to her.

Here is her post this evening:



Tori wrote: "This is what Angioedema looks like and its timing. I've had this since I was 14, and its just apart of who I am. No ER this time due to a wonderful women who visited my church sometime ago, by giving me her personal EpiPen. Thank you Misty Gilbert for saving my life, my day, and my finances. Good night y'all blessed"

I am grateful for the opportunity to have met her and to help save her life today.  She is self employed, has no health insurance, and had no funds to go to the ER. 

Can I remind you to make the most of your day and every opportunity?  Life is short.  Make a difference in someone's day!!!

Counseling Session #8

The Courageous Journey to tell my story continues.

My counselor is proud of me. [Wish I felt this way about myself.] She believes I have covered a bunch in a short amount of time and is very pleased.  She is absolutely amazed by me.  [I feel anything but amazing.]  She wishes all her clients had my perspective. [A healthy attitude in facing the pain.]

She began our session with telling me one thing.  She prefaced that rarely, if ever, does she recommend this, as she feels that all relationships have the ability to stay connected to some degree, with a card once or twice a year, 6 phone calls a year as long as this, this and this are not discussed, healthy boundaries are set to a relationship, and love can be shown and people are not afraid to say "I Love You".  However, she let me know very clearly and plainly, that the more she hears me tell my story and I relate what I experienced, she doesn't believe this fits me and wants me to understand that she doesn't feel I can have or should have a relationship with my Mom.  

She then explained why.

It made sense.  Perfect sense.  

Though I must be honest that I did not expect this recommendation from her.  I get a lot of comments from others, that if I just tried to love my Mom more, if I had really forgiven her, things would be different or could be different.  As one who wants to unconditionally love everyone just as My Jesus Loves Me, I want to make sure I am doing just that.  One of my aims is to be a true friend and supporter to all people I connect with, and this would include my Mom.

In all honesty, this blows me away to some degree because she knows how much in just 8 sessions???  She knows enough to make that determination.  She understands patterns, behaviors, people, relationships, God, on a level differently than me.  I must trust this.

We discussed the voices in your head.  She encouraged me to stop and question them...to ask is this what God wants for me? 

Redirect your thoughts...Whisper His Name...Thank Him and Ask Him for Direction.

Reminder for this weeks homework: You are coming up on the hardest part of your story. [Yes, I know this, I am very aware of this, unfortunately.]

If you kindly would please pray that I don't procrastinate through my homework and continue through the toughest years of my life story, I would appreciate it blogging friend.  I am continuing to reflect on the words in the song History by Matthew West, a song that I heard on Pandora during my daily walk around the track on Sunday.

Quotes

Freedom is when we begin to see the things we were meant to see, from God’s perspective.
- Alan Smith

isaiah 55:6

Quotes

I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am.
― John Newton

Miss Speedster takes a drive

Taking a 2011 Black Corvette for a test drive!!!  I am in LOVE!!!!!!!

It was time to get my Honda Civic oil change done.  This was my first oil change since the purchase and I am not used to getting them only being done every 7K miles.  Kinda hard to break old habits.  As I was waiting, I went to see my sales guy, and we chatted.  He asked if I was liking my new car I purchased in March and I said absolutely, but I still wish I had gotten a manual.  I really miss it!!!  He said, I have the perfect thing for you...I have a Corvette on the lot.  I was like, "What?  I have never ridden in one of those!"  So we took it out for a test drive.  

He drove first, and I was loving every minute of it!!!  He took the top off and then let me drive.  Yup, I got up to 115...if traffic would have gotten out of my way maybe I could have gone faster (my sales guy took me up to 120)!  Nothing can explain the feeling.  He took this picture of me driving on I35, which doesn't top my 145.81 in my NASCAR Racing Experience.  

It is amazing how some things in life can scare you and some things just light your fire and empower you!  This exhilarating experience is absolutely wonderful!!!

In all seriousness, if I had money that could just be spent just because, I would buy me one, but I don't.  Besides, its not a practical car, even if I am only one person.  I do have lots of friends, and it only hauls two people, plus it only gets about 22mpg...I am getting 39mpg now.  The goal I have set for me financially is to have my house paid for by the 10 year mark, which means by March 2017!  I don't plan to ditch that goal...I want to keep this in focus.  Additionally, can you imagine driving up to my clients offices in a Corvette?  They would think that I was rolling in the dough and overcharging them.  Nope, not a chance of ruining getting me any more business.  

Maybe someday I will own one, but it's not time...yet.

a worthy vocation

I have been reflecting on work, specially my career work as an entrepreneur providing Medical Billing, Credentialing, Accounting, Consulting & Training Services to my clients.  What does it mean to be doing something worthy?  When I say worthy, I mean a vocation that is beneficial, has value, is serving?  

Growing up, my parents did not want me to continue schooling beyond High School.  And in reality, they wanted me to "get out of school" as soon as I could.  Thus, I graduated High School at 15, in the 2nd Semester of my Sophomore Year by taking the California High School Proficiency Exam.  This is a test for 16 year olds [or those who are in their 2nd Semester if not 16 yet] similar to the GED that is known nationally.  The test was 6 hours long.  I passed the first time and got my certificate December 1991.  No walking across the stage though I did get a certificate mailed to me.  Now what?  My parents plans for me were to get married and have kids.  They didn't believe it was right for girls to work, in fact they believed it was independent and haughty to hold a job.  In case you don't know, I am now 36, not married and will never be a birth mom.  This is another way I haven't fulfilled my parents dreams.  In the interim to this plan, my parents wanted me to learn to type and I did on an old fashioned typewriter of my Dad's.  I got my speed up really fast, nothing like a computer keyboard where you have auto correct and can easily backspace.  You had to put these tape stuff in the slot to correct your mistakes.  The goal was to type really fast, not looking at my fingers and reading from a script to the right or left of the typewriter.  After hours of perfecting my skill, timing myself, striving for 100% accuracy, I got really good at it.  Then my parents had me go door to door trying to solicit work to type.  Really?  Out in the desert where nobody lives you think someone is going to use me?  Nothing came of it.  I did some babysitting, until that infringed on my mom's schedule.  I was forced to get a job when my Dad's health insurance policy was going to go up $100 because of my age and to keep the option of staying on the family plan until I was 21.  They stated they could not afford this and I would have to get a job, though it was without their blessing.  I landed my first job from my first interview.  It was a job in the medical field at a Dermatologist Office, March 1996 at age 19.  I was hired as a Part Time File Clerk, but only worked Part Time the first day.  They had so much work for me to do they needed me to come back Full Time until they got caught up.  Needless to say,I have never worked Part Time.  They taught me more and more and more things and by the time I left that job, I was doing Medical Billing.  I have been in the medical field ever since. I started my own business June 2004 doing what I had learned to do on the job and through classes, continuing education, research, seminars and the like.  I have devoted my life to learning it so much that I know it backwards and forwards.  

In reflecting on all this, I have come to believe that my parents thoughts on what was a worthy vocation were wrong.  The "Group of Christian's" I have met with my entire life believe that in order to be doing a worthy vocation, you have to do something that blends in with any skill relating to being a mother, anotherwards it would be best that be a midwife, babysitter, seamstress, or a massage therapist.  Any other type of work is "not profitable" or "not as God has called you to do".  Your job can not take you away from attendance at "meeting".  Your lifestyle must be simple and you can't make much money.  Over and above this, our society believes that you are doing something great if you are a doctor, policeman, fireman or someone doing great work for or to people.  Don't get me wrong, these are great professions, but I don't believe they are more worthy than any other profession.  They may outwardly "help" people more, but they are not any more noble in God's eyes then the clerk at the bank.

In reflecting on what God considers worthy, I have thought about Christ's life here on earth.  Who could have had a more worthy vocation?  Complete service to everyone, not just the disciples, but even the Pharisees that hated and mocked him.  He clearly states he has given each of us different gifts.  Each of us have gifts.  To believe you don't, means you don't believe Romans 12:6.  God calls us to be Servants, to Serve and Love His People!  

What is a servant?  Simple.  A person in the service [an act of helpful activity; useful, providing; a supplier; to make fit] of another.

I believe with all my heart that if you do what you do as unto Him, with a servants heart, with the focus of benefiting other people, you will be doing a worthy vocation.  The career you choose or that you land by happenstance, will be a worthy vocation if you put your heart, soul and mind to doing it with a passion and for God.  It may not be your dream job, but you can turn it into a worthy job by making it the lifeline you use to serve.  You can be doing something nobody see's, but the behind the scenes work also has to happen for the front row people to get in on it.  Don't let the lack of title or professional experience keep you from serving and loving.  It doesn't take much to serve, but you must have a willing heart and you must be willing to work with all your might...to serve well and often.

Awww, this is the true definition of a worthy vocation!

Quotes

When you apply biblical principals, you will find they work.
 - Dave Ramsey

Counseling Session #7

Trying to tell you story without crying is pretty hard.  I have never been a crier.  Crying wasn't allowed growing up and always brought more punishment, so you learned to stuff it.  You learned to hide it all with a pretense that all was okay.  Somehow though I have never done this well because I am easily read like a book.  However, working through this process of telling my story, it's nearly impossible not to cry.

I am a numbers chic.  I love time lines.  I have tried to tell my story to my counselor in a chronological format.  Today she asked a question, that made me jump ahead to age 17.  And then after I answered that, it made her put down my homework and ask something else.  She then said, you do know that this is anything but normal, right?  I shook my head in acknowledgment, tears streaming down my face.  I couldn't look at her.  I couldn't face the truth that this wasn't normal.  She said, do you really?  I confirmed, yes, I do.

But do I?  No.  There is no way for me to relate to normal.  This was my normal, a common standard of expectation out of life.  I don't care how often or how much you tell me that this was not normal, it was MY normal.  I am now working through redefining the word normal to learn a new normal, a new standard of expectation out of life.

We resumed talking.  The conversation got worse.  I told her I no longer can try to only tell you the details in chronological order, I am going to answer your questions as you want clarification, which means we will go all over the map.  I told her that I was sorry, that there is too much that relates and has to be explained because it is intertwined.  Its time that I help her truly understand the situation for what it is, for what it was.

I told more of My Story. 

Her eyes welled up with tears.  She fought them back.  She swallowed hard.  She bit her lip.  I kept talking.  I quit looking at her.  I stared at the corner attempting to avoid seeing her try to control the emotions that make someone wanna go flat out mad. 

She said "These rules are killing me Misty.  What were children to be, servants?"

She finally couldn't hold back, she cried. 

I cried harder.

I don't believe I have ever cried so many heart felt tears in my entire life. This is an extremely gut wrenching process. Making my counselor cry today, was not in my plans. Telling my whole complete nightmare of a story is beyond the most difficult thing I have ever done in my LIFE! You might disagree, but it is today!!!  This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done.

The takeaway from today's session is to hang onto the qualities that came out of these situations and to remember that what I went through has shaped me to be who I am [you are shaped into who you will be typically by age 6].

Homework continues: Write your story.  Added assignment, make a list of the positive things that have developed since September 1997.

‪#‎courageousjourney‬ ‪#‎GodsPlan‬ ‪#‎beingauthentic‬ ‪#‎notgonnaquit

Quotes

I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
~ Psalm 16:8, NLT

God Story: prayers with a client

Yesterday, I began my day encouraged, refreshed after some prayer time, very energized from my early morning walk, inspired to tackle the day and confident that I would get a lot done.  

But the feeling didn't last.  I started feeling overwhelmed with the tasks at hand and some serious situations going on with clients, and this was clinched by a phone call in which I was yelled at by a client's employee, which may have been avoided if I had not dropped the ball with something and the very thing I didn't want to happen occured!!!  I was frustrated.  All this came toppling down on me and the feelings were making me feel like a failure.  A complete failure.  I easily feel like one, doesn't take much after being told your entire life that you are never good enough, you never, ever, feel good enough.  Along with some glitches in technology making things not go too smoothly, I was struggling to be calm, not have anxiety.  I was having a hard time feeling like I was blessed.  But I am.  Deep down in my heart I know I am!

I arrived at a clients office, determined to go in, get to work and ignore the feelings I was fighting inside from the events of the morning.  My client sensed something wasn't right.  Not too hard, I don't  hide my feelings well.  Both good or bad, somehow if you are keen on being in tune with people, you will know my state of being just by being in my presence and observing my face and demeanor.  I can act like everything is okay, but you see through me like glass.  I am very transparent.  I would not make a good politician because I can't lie.  I can't be fake.

I didn't wish to elaborate, so I pushed him off, hoping he would take a general response without me having to get deep into what I was facing, and said that I was just frustrated.  He didn't let it go.  Darn, my goal to sidestep his question didn't work.  He was learning me well.  He said, I can tell you are Misty.  I decided to take a deep breath, a very deep breath, be me, be completely open as I always am and share my heart, and so I did just that, I shared.  I briefed him, without all the confidential details that needed to be left out of my clients situations, on the circumstances facing me and he said, can I pray with you?  I said absolutely!  This is not the first time this client has done this with me.  We are opposites as much as night and day can be in how we approach life, our personalities, our styles, how I am a neat freak and he is messy, how I am focused and he will allow anything to deter him, how he can procrastinate as the day is long even when I make him a list of items to complete by our next session, etc, but we are brothers and sisters in Christ.  He knows he is a Child of the King, even if there are days he doesn't comprehend God's Love or feel it, he knows the truth!  We have the same hope!  We have the same purpose!  To love God and share it with those around us.  I have been there to encourage him, pray with him & his wife, and now he was there to encourage me!  And that is just what he did.  

He prayed for God to break the strongholds in my life, to remove the frustration which in reality is just repressed anger, to take away the demonic spirit trying to take hold of me, to not let the snake come in and steal my garden and cause me to resent and not trust God, and thus give power to Satan's seeds, to help me remember that I am loved and a Child of the King, to make God my source of strength in my battles, and to use the Gifts I have been given by The Spirit which are the Fruits of The Spirit.

Wow!!!  I had tears.  Nothing like being so vulnerable with a client that you have tears in front of them, a guy at that.  Here I was trying to make it through the frustrations being thrown at me, once again doing what I could for the situation instead of taking it and throwing it all, every bit of it, in God's hands.  Here I was beating myself up for the mistake I made, even though I had apologized, the apology was attacked and the response came with a rebuttal towards my client then, which only added fuel to the fire.  I knew I knew better then to try to tackle this on my own, but I tried anyways.  

This prayer session and petition to God gave me peace.  It suddenly once again put things back into perspective.  God knew all the details.  God knew Satan was trying to win at getting me down and I have to be the one to choose God's power and make Him my source of strength.

He then shared with me some things he is learning in his bible study reading and prayer life with God.  Things he is learning from the trials and hard times in his life.  His faith in God is real.  His endeavor to live out I Thessalonians 5:11 is true.  I don't see everything the way he does and he gave me some stuff to go study more, but I love the fact that he is willing to share God with me!

I wish I had time to daily write and blog about my God Stories.  I am amazed at the people God brings and uses in your life to teach you, inspire you, encourage you, refine your armor and keep you motivated on this courageous journey of faith.  He is ALIVE!  He empowers me in ways I never dreamed.  These situations that happen give me goose bumps.  I love my God!!!

word of the day...{magnanimous}

It's been a long time since I did the "Word of The Day" theme.  I was reminded when I learned a new word!  Maybe I should get back to doing that?  For now...learn this new word with me.

mag·nan·i·mous   [mag-nan-uh-muhs]  adjective
generous in forgiving an insult or injury; free from petty resentfulness or vindictiveness; high-minded; noble; proceeding from or revealing generosity or nobility of mind, character, etc.

Reasons Why I LOVE being Single

So once again, I got misunderstood in my post 5 Reasons I am Single.  Someone said, you don't sound like you are truly happy being single.  I was like, what???  How could you mistake me.  Believe me, I am!  I just want to be open to "a God's Guy" [stealing Jaime Grace's catch phrase] if that is what He has planned for my life.

Since I got so misunderstood, here are a list of Reasons Why I LOVE being Single!!!

• I can eat when I want and whatever I want.  If I want a stuffed Grilled Portabella Mushroom with Mozzarella and Parmesan cheese for dinner, I can.  If I want an Braeburn Apple, some Laughing Cow Swiss Cheese, and a handful of Pecans for dinner, I can.  I don't have to fix a steak and baked potato for the man of the house.  If I want to eat dinner at 5pm or 9pm, it is totally okay.  Nobody cares but my tummy.  If I don't want to cook because I am too tired, I don't have to beg to be taken out to dinner.  I just take myself out to dinner.  If the budget requires a cheap meal, I get a tostada from Taco Bell for $1.29.  If the budget has no constraints, I go where I want and more times than not, its for sushi!
• If I am tired, I don't have to say "Hey babe, can we go home?".  I grab the car keys and hit the road.  And once I get home, I put the keys on my nightstand and crawl in, no wasting time getting there!
• The full bed in my room is all mine.  I don't share it with anyone which means I get two synthetic down pillows for myself!!! One to put my head on and one to snuggle with!  Oh, and I can cuddle up with the covers up under my chin and not have to worry about "stealing them" from you.  And I only have one alarm to deal with...just mine, not yours too waking me up an hour earlier then I want to be up or me waking you up when you want to sleep in and be lazy.
• I can sleep as long as I like without someone expecting me to cook them breakfast.  But if I want coffee in bed, I have to get up and make it first and then I can crawl back in!
• When I am ready for lights out, there isn't "How much longer do you think you will read?"..or..."Can I turn the light out now?"
• If I wanna go shopping...spend money...do something with friends, I don't need to check your schedule, I just gotta coordinate with mine [which many times can be complicated enough]!
• If I want music on, I put it on.  If I want quiet, I leave it off.  It doesn't matter what anyone else wants because there is nobody else to consult.  There is just me, myself, and I to contend with.
• If I didn't do laundry and/or want to wear the same thing I wore yesterday, nobody knows and nobody cares because nobody saw me!
• The mess?  Yah, there is nobody to fault but myself for the mess.  Nobody makes it messy except me and nobody cleans it up except me.  And, yah, I still have that pile business going on in my bedroom that my Mom detested.  I don't have to worry about if you will detest it too!  
• Nobody to interrupt me when I spend time relaxing out by the pool.  [Except my cell phone, but I can choose to leave that in the house.]
• I don't have to buy multiple types of shampoo & conditioner or wine [and everything else]...I can get JUST what I like.  Nobody else to please!
• I can wear the colors and styles I like.  If you don't, you don't have to compliment me on my outfit.  If you are like my Mom and don't like black...well, it doesn't matter and I wear it anyways because black is Classy!
• and a million more things that are benefits to being single.......but if a God's guy gets sent my way by God, I will adjust...I will reprogram. :)

The moral of my post?  Count your blessing if you are single, they are there!  Make a list if you don't believe me.  Reflect on the things you get to do that your married friends don't get to do.  Single Life is what you make of it!  Have courage and live it to the fullest, you don't know how long it will last.  And no, I don't believe it is "selfish" to enjoy the state of life you are experiencing now.  God created seasons in our lives.  Some last longer than others.  Some are harder than others.  Some have lasting impact.  But your journey will be only as courageous as you make it to be!

And if you aren't single...and you are married, count your blessings, you have a privilege to serve that special person, the love of your life, make the most of it, you never know when that might change!  Go give that person a hug and a kiss [right now].  Nobody said you would be married forever.  

Love like you mean it!!!

Quotes

song ~ I'm Alive

I'm Alive
by Peter Furler

When I was locked inside my head
When I was lost in a maze of doubt
You called my name and woke me up
You called my name and led me out

And when I chased one more mirage
'Til I was tired and parched again
You gave me one more cup to fill
And sent me one more desert rain

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I was sure of all I knew
I knew the world was mine to claim
I had directions printed out
And then I hit a wall of shame

Out there alone and left to die
Cut off from You, my sole supply
You shed Your tears for me and then
You took my hand and raised me high

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, yeah, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Yeah, I Thank You, just Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I, I'm alive, I'm on fire
And my spirit burns with desire
You set me alight, bright-eyed
And with no way to hold it inside
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You
I wanted to Thank You
Thank You, Thank You

9 months since Surgery!

Today was a special day.  It has been 9 months, to the day, since my surgery.  My doctor was/is impressed with my progression, healing, leveling out of issues, my labs were really good...but beyond that, when he came into the exam room, I told him that I feel wonderful!!!  He told me that I can come see him every day if I am gonna have good news like that.  He was at his wits end knowing what to do with me and this was a huge decision, but the payoff has been tremendous.  I am beyond grateful!!!

Today, I am Praising God! 

‪#‎beyondblessed‬ ‪#‎thankful‬ ‪#‎noregrets‬

Counseling Session #6

I read my blog post about what I am facing through counseling with my counselor today.  Her words were: "That is paramount! If only all of my clients kept that focus in life Misty.  If only, I always kept that focus in life."

We are continuing to work through telling my story, while dealing with drama from my Mom in the midst of this.  My counselor continues to shake her head in disbelief.  She continues to let me know this is not "normal" but it was "my normal". 

Quotes

Find something you're passionate about and keep tremendously interested in it.
- Julia Child

my heart and mission

this is my heart and mission as I reflect on my life,

 my childhood,

 my dreams,

 and aspirations for the future...

I want God more than anything!!!

follow Jesus

follow Jesus

open journal: things I am facing through counseling

If you are my friend or blogging follower, you know that I share a bunch about me, the hard core personal stuff some people keep hidden deep inside the walls of their heart and mind.  I get mocked frequently for putting things on my blog that "I can't believe you have the guts to do"...or..."you really share more than I think is healthy"...or...numerous other comments.

I continue to share.  You don't have to agree.  You don't have to like it.  You don't have to read.  I don't have my blog for followers, I have my blog because I like to write and I want to keep a journal of my life and the Courageous Journey I am on.  I want to encourage you to have faith through the dark times.  To fight when you want to give up.  You can choose to participate and share in my journey, or you can jump off.  Please, there is no need for you to feel obligated.

I started Professional Counseling the first Monday in June.  The process has been in some ways as I anticipated it would be, challenging, gut wrenching and has made me relive moments that I wish I could forever forget.  What I did not expect was that it would at times make me an emotional mess.  Some of this was expected as I had been told by every counselor that I interviewed with and from others who have done this process that it gets harder before it gets better.  No amount of mental preparation gets you ready for harder.  

How much harder was an aspect I had not expected to face.  As one who is very goal oriented [sometimes to a fault as I don't stop and smell the roses] I am typically not a procrastinator [in general, though I have things I prefer to put off until it has to be done], I find doing my homework between sessions challenging and put this off.  Largely because I easily get back into the feeling and mood of my childhood.  And once there, I can't seem to shake it.  I know no other words to describe it than to say I get in a funk.  Though I try desperately to distance myself from the feelings that overcome me, I can't.  I find it really hard to "explain" things and answer questions like "why" when in many ways I don't know why.  It was just the way it was, how do you explain why?  

Things that I thought were normal, very routine and everyone faced, I am realizing the stark reality that my childhood was extremely messed up.  I think a part of me was hoping that through counseling my fears of this reality would have been resolved.  I also feel hearing myself tell this story means I am admitting this fact and that crushes me.  I wish I could explain why.  I can't.  

Knowing my parents forbid me to ever discuss my childhood doesn't make it any easier.  

I can't change my story...my childhood...what I faced.  So why do I fear telling it?  Why am I afraid?  What is causing my fear?  What makes me feel you are going to look down on me?  What makes me ashamed of being an overcomer through what I faced?  Why do I feel that my story doesn't matter?

I am hoping with time I understand why I feel like this.  I hope with time I can not feel the way I do...but as I approach 6 weeks of this, I know I have got some hard work ahead of me!  Today I have made a list of reasons to keep me going...  

• I will not quit.
• I will not give up.  
• I will not loose heart.  
• I will not give in.  
• I will not succumb.  
• I will not be discouraged.  
• I will not be sad.  
• I will fight.
• I will prosper.  
• I will be victorious.
• I will be diligent to stay focused on the end goal.
• No matter what my past story is...God is with me and I am a Princess of The King!
• My motto to Seize The Day and live a Courageous Journey will continue to be my theme!

What will I learn from this process?  God only knows.  

What is the goal in counseling?  The goal is to write my story as it actually happened with the end goal to rewrite my story with the truth of my life's story God's way.  I have to keep that picture as the focus of what I am trying to achieve to not loose heart.  This is what fuels me forward.  This is what I will focus on.  I can't focus on each session or my homework.  

song ~ God girl

God Girl

By Jamie Grace

Oh oh oh oh yeah

If my eyes light up with I say your name
And it's written all over my face
Tell me does it make me crazy
Well, maybe I got somethin' that I can't explain
And the beauty of it never changes
It's got me wrapped up
I'm all caught up
I can't help but say

I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see
(See, See, See)

And when my ears start hearin' what people say
Hurry up find love cause times tickin' away
Well, I'm not bein' lazy I'm just waiting for
Still waiting for the right boy
Cause I only want to listen to your voice
So I'll be listenin'
Always listenin' to you everyday

Cause I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see

Your name in lights
My biggest dream
My all in all
You're all I need
Hand in hand with the master of all creativity
And I won't stop until I know
All my facebook friends and foes
Look at me and only see one thing

I'm a God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl in a crazy world
God girl that's who I'll be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
No I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm yours

Oh I'm a love girl and I'll always be
From the top of my head to the soles of my feet
I can't deny it, wouldn't even try
I'm your girl for the whole wide world to see

(Your name in lights)
(Can't change it)
(Can't fake it)
(Can't break it)

(You can't change, can't fake, can't break)
(I'm your girl)

Oh oh oh oh yeah
For the whole wide world,
The whole wide world to see