Quotes

Life offers no guarantees...just choices;

no certainty...but consequences;

no predictible outcomes...just the priviledge of pursuit.

- Tim Conner

May Camp 2010

What did you this Memorial Day weekend? 

It is our annual christian camp retreat in Oklahoma and I had plans to attend.  I had offered Terry to go with me if he wanted unless he wanted to go with someone else.  The day before we were to leave, he called me and told me that he was not interested in going as he didn't want to be with a group of people that said "It's good to see you" and not mean it.  I told him that wasn't true, there are many that love him and want to encourage him and are very glad he is still alive and participating with us.  He went on to say that he feels he is not physically, mentally or spiritually well and therefore didn't belong at the camp.  I told him we all need the encouragement and refreshing time spent in Gods Word and that each of us go for this reason.  He stayed pretty gloomy in his thoughts so I contacted both Jeff & Weyman not knowing what to do from here, but knowing that I didn't feel that I could leave him alone all weekend with his current state of thinking.  He ended up having a talk with Jeff and breakfast with Weyman and got "talked out of it" as he said to me later. 

Terry & I were on the road about 08:00am Saturday morning and headed for camp.  We left a little later than planned as he had forgotten to turn off his air conditioner and I was still getting a few things prepared for snacks on the road.  We stopped and got ice at Sonic and some breakfast and then were off.  We made good time even with four stops along the way...I swear that guy has no bladder!  We did our meals with Mark & Bev and had a good time just being lazy and chilling outside or in the camper.  We stayed at Sheila Harp's place.  It was definately blasted hot there!  We headed home Monday morning about 08.15am and again made good time with only 3 stops.  I asked Terry if he had a good time and was glad he came on Sunday when we were driving back to camp from Sheila's. He said he wouldn't say that he was glad he came but that he had had some good conversations.  Well, sounds to me that makes a good time especially with all he has going on right now in his head! I am glad he went and feel it was a good experience for him.  I personally didn't come away with any one highlight but a few nuggets that I wish to reflect on.

He will have his evaluation with the rehab center this next Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010. He has not been taking his medicine consistently, by his own doings.  Consequently the Texas Department of Rehabilitation will not release him back to work at Goodwill until he is stable for 30days.  He has an appointment with his counselor in about 30days.  Please continue to keep him in your thoughts and prayers as he works thru some things.  It is a day to day thing as to his outlook on life and his demeanor. 

Quotes

Pray like it all depends on God, but work like it all depends on you.
- Dave Ramsey

Quotes

If you want something you've never had, you'll have to do something you've never done.
- Dave Ramsey

Quotes

Discipline is the bridge between goals & accomplishment.
~ Jim Rohn

sunday reflections

Life is serious.  It has its moments of fun and pleasure, but will I deny myself and follow Christ?  Some are critical decisions...every decision costs me one way or another. 

The Lord makes the difference in my life...only as I allow Him to do so.  I have no more value in my life than you.  Will I serve Him in sincerity and truth?  It is a never ending battle that I have to choose daily lest I become a castaway (a shipwrecked person. anything cast adrift or thrown away. an outcast.).  Is truth prevailing in my life?  

We each decide whether we will walk by humility and the fear of the Lord to obtain riches, honor and life! 

He will give peace in the storm - comfort in trouble - help in our need. 

Our Lord has equipped us for our journey!

Tom Collins message today

a blessing expressed by Terry

Tonight at meeting, Jeff asked if anyone had any blessings...and Terry stood up and said a few things:
he was thankful for me and for me being faithful to him
thankful for having lunch with Weyman today
and he was thankful to be alive

Wow...this is progress! I don't know if his mindset will stay there, but I sure hope so!  Pray for him...

Quotes

Good work habits help develop an internal toughness and a self-confident attitude that will sustain you through every adversity and temporary discouragement.
~ Paul J. Fleyer

give your life to God while there is still time

To be a survivor in this Amazing Race with the need for speed you need God’s Grace and if you're desperate like housewives watching days of our lives, you can’t cope without hope and that is not on a soap.

If your looking to Oprah or Dr. Phil you can shop non-stop or pop a pill, but the void won’t fill and the pain won’t kill until you love the One that hung on a hill.

Kicking back in your lazy boy easy chair watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, nah your not gonna find it there.   No American Idol or Council Tribal has the final answer that will satisfy ya.

C. S. I. ain’t got a clue. S.V.U. don’t know what to do. Not the E R or those seen on a CD TV DVD or MP3 can save you and me.

CNN has got no Good News here’s a headline you must choose. It’s not a simple life Paris Hilton, it’s treading on thin ice living in sin. You can be an apprentice for Donald Trump or eat Fear Factor fast food from a dumpster. You can be a heavy hitter or wheel of fortune winner or a Fox news no spin spinner or flat sinner but you better check this life that your livin’ and make sure your sins are forgiven. 

I bet cha 50 cent Elvis done come and went, and eventually every Black-eyed-pea, Gwen Stefani, P-Diddy and Britney.  Every wanna-be on MTV with their Icy Bling, every Dixie Chick that sings, they all gonna see the King of Kings.

I don’t care if you're J-Lo, Leno or Bono.  One thing you gotta know. Some day your gonna die, Bro.  Then Where are you gonna go.

Hey, i’m not talking some punk junk that is irrelevant. Like your Grandma’s church from way back when. It’s not some preacher feature on TBN. that you need to be liking or listening.

The real superstar is Jesus Christ. He’s the way, the truth and the life. One day he’s gonna split the sky. He is the brightest light and the highest high and so what I came to say and what I’m telling you is don’t buy that stupid stuff they be selling ya it’s all designed to fill your head and waste your space until your dead here’s the bottom line in my rhyme.

Give your life to God while there is still time.

(this is a rap by Tamara Lowe - click link to listen to it)

an evening with Terry

We were supposed to go to Russell's for dinner tonight, but Russell is not well so they canceled yesterday. I asked Terry if he wanted to come over to my place for dinner since we already had the time set aside...he said sure. I made him pick what he wanted to eat...he said he wasn't hungry, medicine makes food taste funny, etc...but eventually he came up with a plan. :) We ate breakfast: eggs, hashbrowns, fruit, sausage. I then asked if he wanted to take a walk. We didn't walk far as I knew he couldn't do much, but I want to try to help him in small ways give him zeal for life. He smoked as we walked. We read Psalm 103 together. I then asked if he wanted to run see Ryan & Alisha's house (they closed Friday on a place in Crowley). He agreed, so he drove and I went with him in his car. I say all this to say, he needs this kind of stuff. Normal life things. Peace. Calm. No arguements. No fighting. No drama. No put me downs, you can't do it, you are no good. Nothing like that. We didn't discuss much...I want him to just learn to be different and find the truth in the difference. He did make a comment which I took as headway..."its good to be alive today". I wasn't sure what triggered the thought, he stopped one of his medicines last night and felt better today after feeling crummy for 5days. He can't seem to get over the fact that he just saw Gene Smith who sat by him last Wednesday night and then was in a wreck by the end of the week and will have therapy for 6 weeks. He has made the comment several times. I told him none of us know how long we have, I could be gone tomorrow...he could have been gone when he overdosed. I gave him your email tonight along with the email from Sharron Roy about Gene Smith, and the words to the song I sang as he asked for those since Stan mentioned in his message last Wednesday that I sang on Sunday and he asked me about it today. I had not told him this but think it might work for good in his life by learning about it...he doesn't understand how this has not just torn me apart. Well, it has in moments, but the Lord has given me the strength to face this trial and I want to grow by it...it has not been easy. Singing was not easy...but I wanted to share my heart and I didn't feel a testimony would convey my thoughts very well and I figured I would just cry and nobody would understand anyways.

an evening with Terry

Terry & I were supposed to go to Russell's for dinner tonight, but Russell is not well so they canceled yesterday. I asked Terry if he wanted to come over to my place for dinner since we already had the time set aside...he said sure. I made him pick what he wanted to eat...he said he wasn't hungry, medicine makes food taste funny, etc...but eventually he came up with a plan. :) We ate breakfast: eggs, hashbrowns, fruit, sausage. I then asked if he wanted to take a walk. We didn't walk far as I knew he couldn't do much, but I want to try to help him in small ways give him zeal for life. He smoked as we walked. When we came back to the house, we read Psalm 103 together, one of Uncle Tom's favorite passages, we split the 22 verses each reading 11.  We sat and didn't talk much for a few minutes and not knowing if he would then just head home, I asked if he knew Ryan &Alisha had bought a house and that they closed Friday on a place not to far from me and wondered if he would want to go see it.  I knew they were working on it and would be there, so he agreed.  He drove and I went with him in his car, something he hasn't wanted to do before for fear that I would get to sick since he smokes in his car.  After about 10minutes of being there, he was ready to leave...but I felt it was progress that he would want to go and get outside of his own life and focus.  We came back home and I gave him an email from Weyman, along with the email from Sharron Roy about Gene Smith's situation, and the words to the song I sang on Sunday a week ago (he asked for those from me today since Stan mentioned in his message last Wednesday that I sang on Sunday - he asked me about it today as I had not told him this).  I think it might work for good in his life by learning about it...he doesn't understand how this has not just torn me apart. Well, it has in moments, but the Lord has given me the strength to face this trial and I want to grow by it...it has not been easy but these types of things aren't.  Singing was not easy...but I wanted to share my heart and I didn't feel a testimony would convey my thoughts very well plus I figured I would just cry and nobody would understand my mumbled words anyways.  He left shortly after to head home.

I realate all this about our evening to say this:
he needs this kind of stuff. Normal life things. Peace. Calm. No arguements. No fighting. No drama. No put me downs, you can't do it, you are no good. Nothing like that. We didn't discuss much, just were together for the evening...I want him to just learn to be different and find the truth in the difference. He did make a comment which I took as headway..."its good to be alive today". I wasn't sure what triggered the thought, he stopped one of his medicines last night and felt better today after feeling crummy for 5days. He can't seem to get over the fact that he just saw Gene Smith who sat by him last Wednesday night and then was in a car wreck by the end of the week and will have therapy for 6 weeks. He has made the comment several times. I told him none of us know how long we have, I could be gone tomorrow...he could have been gone when he overdosed...we need to be grateful for each day that we have and serve the Lord with our whole heart in the moment, here and now. 

Quotes

It’s not your salary that makes you rich, it’s your spending habits.
~ Charles A Jaffe

updated on Terry

Terry has been home from the hospital now a week...he has not felt too well and is not sure some of it isn't his new medicine.  I have tried hard to encourage him to just be patient, take the needed time to rest and nap, just relax and in time he will feel better.  His doctor okayed that he discontinue one of his medications that he is pretty sure is making him feel pretty crummy, so as of tonight he will not take that dose.  We will see in a few days how he is feeling after doing this. He hasn't been too motivated to do much of anything.  He will not be able to work for a month until he is stable on his medications.  My goal right now is to encourage him, do something with him 1-2x's weekly to give him something to look forward to.  I think he is a little bit bored because I am getting lots of calls from him.  Hopefully he will feel like doing some things in a few days. I believe this will help is outlook and motivate him a little if he could be distracted from his blah state.  We were scheduled to have dinner at Russell & Barbara's tomorrow night but Russell is sick so that has been canceled.  I asked Terry if he would like to come to my place for dinner since we already had the evening planned and set aside for this, he said that sounded like fun.  I asked him what he was hungry for and told him that I would fix whatever he wanted...he has chosen breakfast: eggs. hashbrowns. sausage. and I will add fruit.  Yummy!   

Quotes

The bad news is time flies.  The good news is you're the pilot.
~ Michael Altshuler

Quotes

A professional is an amateur who didn't quit.
- Richard Bach

Brian Tracy Quote of the Day

Everybody talks bout wanting to change things and help and fix, but ultimately all you can do is fix yourself. And that's a lot. Because if you can fix yorself, it has a ripple effect.
- Rob Reiner, director

another update on Terry

I called Terry this afternoon around 4pm when I was running errands for the office, but it went straight to voicemail.  I left him a message telling him hello, that I hoped he was doing well today and that his doctor appointment went really well.  I never heard from him.  Tonight was meeting and I wasn't sure if Terry would be out or not, so I was thrilled when I saw him there  He was hunched over in his chair a good portion of the time, but I think that it would be a lot to come and face everyone after you had tried to kill yourself.  I don't mean that in a mean way, just simply if you had tried for the 6th time, didn't succeed and knew everyone knew and no doubt felt some humiliation, how would you be when you came to meeting?  I had a few minutes with him to talk and his doctor came up and filled me in on what the plan is for right now...Plan A.  He said once they get some progress made with Plan A, they will move to Plan B & Plan C.  He also informed me that several were going to get together and talk to Terry and make sure all that are working with him are on the same page. I was grateful to hear this because I only believe we can be successful with a plan and knowledge of how we are going to work at helping him.  Terry stuck around afterwards, longer than he normally does, for that I am grateful.

I will probably not do the daily updates as I have been, but please feel free to email me or check back weekly to see what I just might post  :)  I know this will be a long journey...but as my blog states, it can be a courageous journey, but that all is decided by our choice(s).  This experience has been a tough one to go thru, but I renewed with the strength of having had my Lord and Savior by my side through each moment of the rollercoaster along with friends that sent prayers up for me - for Terry - for the many others involved, sent me messages of love & encouragement.  The next phase of this journey will be me working on a new approach with Terry from things I learned in family counseling and admonishments of those directly involved with him.  Please pray for me that I can be an example and take the place as a sister & friend.  The outcome of this is not complete yet...the journey continues.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

"a big HUG for you, Misty."

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

"May the God of all comfort help you today!! You are doing really well with this situation, so keep on....love you much!"

another update on Terry

Terry has been home for 24hrs and seems to be adjusting well.  He went and converted an old cell phone Jeff had to his number since his is fried.  He also took Sylvia back her lawnmower that he was working on.  We met for dinner tonight at Rosa's Tortillia Factory for Taco Tuesday.  He said he had already eaten dinner at Jeff's but said he would join me.  He ended up eating some chips n salsa and a taco.  I reached over and squeezed his hand and told him that I was glad he was still alive!  I also told him that he seemed to be doing well and  bet he enjoyed getting his face shaved (he wasn't fond of his beard that grew while he was in the hospital).  He smiled slightly and got a faraway look in his eyes.  I didn't know what he might be thinking, but thought it best to not push any more conversation and just let that statement sink in.  He came over for a few minutes while I tried to locate a battery for his phone online and get that ordered for him as the one he has is not holding a charge or lasting very long.  He didn't stay as he wanted to get home and to bed.  He has his doctor appointment tomorrow with his PCP and he also hopes to connect with his counselor thru the disability program he is on.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

Over the last week, I have received multiple text messages, emails, phone calls, facebook messages or comments and I am going to share one that I got at 5am this morning that really meant something to me when I read it at 6.45am when the alarm went off:

Misty, this is ==========. I know I have not had communication w/you for some time...My times with you and the love you showed toward me will never be forgotten.  I appreciate your honesty and sincerity and still remember your ways of encouraging me.  I have been praying for Terry, you, Mindy and your family since I heard of Terry's condition on Sunday.  I have wanted you to know that the power of prayer has been very real in my life and I have seen it in work this last month especially.  I pary for God's comfort to be felt by each of you @this time.  I love you like a big sister and to know the pain your family is going through saddens my heart.  I was lying in bed praying and remembered that I may have your # in my phone.  I hope this reaches you. I love you Misty, take care - =====

another update on Terry

I ended up not staying with Terry the rest of the day as he said he wanted to go with Jeff.  When I got off work, I called Jeff to see how things were going and what the plan was.  Terry had said he was tired and wanted to take a nap and Jeff told him that probably was a good idea.  Well, out of habit, Jeff had left the keys in the car and Terry left.  We were not sure where he might have gone since his cell phone has not been working since all this happened with it getting ruined by moisture, we had no way to contact him.  Jeff thought he might be at Verizon getting a replacement, so I went to the one on 174 that he normally goes to, then scanned the WalMart parking lot, then to the other Verizon store...no black Honda Accord.  Believe me, my heart was praying: "Lord no, please no."  I dropped something off at Aunt Connie's, ran home to change clothes and get flip flops on, get the mail and pickup the Power of Attorney paperwork & hospital discharge paperwork and take it to Jeffs.  As I pulled into the driveway, I saw Terry's car...and yes, it was a relief!  I stopped in to talk to Lorrie & Elizabeth and while I was in there, Terry came over.  He said he had run to get cigarettes and more medicine, which he had to pay for because he was over his Medicaid allotment.  I don't know how the Medicaid program works, if he has a set dollar amount they allow vs if it was refill to soon I don't think they would allow him to purchase it.  We hung out on Jeff's couch for about an hour visiting, he called Uncle Tom from my cell phone, and then he was getting a bit tired and wanted to head home.  I asked him what his plans were and he said he was going to take one day at a time...I was glad to hear that from him because I have told him all along this 5month journey, all we have is one day at a time and its one step at a time that gets us in the direction we need to go, so this was good to hear.  Jeff & Mastin arrived home about 10minutes after Terry had headed back to his place.  I stayed another hour knitting on the couch with Elizabeth and Lorrie, and I finished the long 2year project I have been working on: baby blanket for Carter!

Quotes

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
~ Henry Ford

another update on Terry

I received a restricted phone number call on my cell this morning. It was my mom delivering a message for me to please call Terry, which I did. He wanted me to know that the doctor is releasing him today around noon. Terry did not sleep well or much at all last night. He was given more medicine after his shot, but it didn't seem to make a difference. He is stressing a lot this morning and when I asked over what he couldn't say. He is not himself. I left a message for Jeff, he was in a meeting and so I text him the information also. I then called Drex who thought I should talk more with the social worker to get more information to questions I had, which I did. According to the information she provided me, Terry does not meet criteria to stay there or to be admitted to the state hospital. They are not giving him the medications he is used to or that he wants to help his anxiety and like symptoms, from the mere fact of the overdose that took place. There are several reasons for this. They will be giving him a script for 7days worth of medicine that they have had him on in the hospital which I will drop off at the pharmacy for him. She states he is firm in that he wants to go home. She said she will have paperwork for me and that he & I need to do the phone consultation with the rehab place. He is scheduled to follow up with his PCP on Wednesday. I may be staying with Terry the rest of the day and not return to work...just don't know what the plan will be.

another update on Terry

Today has been a long day...it started with meeting.  I sang How Can I Keep From Singing acapella.  I didn't share that this song had been on my heart the last month but has new meaning to me, or that I have sung it with tears this last week...that I appreciate all the prayers everyone has sent my way, I feel them, need them, appreciate them, and hope all will continue to keep all involved in their prayers that we have wisdom and understanding on how to work with Terry...there is absolutely no way I could have said a blessed thing or I would have utterly lost it and been a bawling mess; then singing would have been out of the question.  Jeff asked us in his message why we don't do that more, just get up and sing whats on our heart, not worrying about what others think or will say, or the whispering that will be done later.  Let me tell you...it wasn't as easy as he made it seem it was for me.  I was shaking all over and not sure if I would loose it in the big middle and I most assuredly don't consider my voice a pretty voice to listen to.  I can imagine people say, why does she sing solo?  Doesn't she know she doesn't sound that great?  The singers that everyone likes to hear are the ones that get asked to sing at an event or to sing with.  I haven't, and sometimes that stops me from singing solo, and other times it motivates me to be me and forget that others might not like my voice or think I sing well or that I am trying to get attention by singing alone, but I have a voice that God has given me and I want everyone to know that I want to serve the one who has done so much for me!  Many stopped me after meeting with things to say, questions to ask, and wanted me to know that I have been on their heart and mind.  I know everyone wants to see Terry succeed, I just wish he knew that too.  I ended up going to lunch with Judy to Antonio's because they usually are fast...wouldn't you know that today, they were slow as molasses!  We waited 30minutes for our food and I had 10minutes to stuff my face and hit the road to be at the hospital in time for the 3pm family counseling session.  I did not have a chance to connect with Jeff after meeting, so I didn't know if he was going to the session.  It ended up just being me and Terry and we had the same therapist that we had yesterday.  She asked me some questions about how I take care of myself so I elaborated, what I do for work and where I live, etc.  I shared with her that I rented from Jeff (where Terry is now) for 9.5yrs and have had a house for 3yrs, have a housekeeper come once a month, work full time as an accounting manager and own my own medical billing agency with two part time employees, and am working to create more balance in my schedule and life.  She gave me some paperwork to read and made some suggestions on how I relate to Terry.  Terry didn't open up more than he had yesterday.  The therapist said he attended one and a half of the three therapy sessions for the day, but had not entered in as much as the day before.  She said she was going to recommend therapy for him and would write her recommendations in the chart for the social worker to review tomorrow when she came in.  We ended about 15minutes early, so we moved to "our spot" to visit.  A few minutes after 4pm, one of the clerks said Terry had visitors, two guys who wanted to come together, so I decided to go out so he could have them.  It was Dave & Drex.  I told them to take the full 45minutes unless someone else came in.  On my way to the parking lot, Jeff & Debbie were pulling in.  We chatted a few minutes and I told them where to go and that Dave & Drex had just gone in and maybe to give them a little bit and then they could go in.  I headed home to get a sample of my pool water to take to the store for chemical testing to know what I need in it.  I needed to do that before they closed at 5pm.  I then had to decide whether to come home and take a nap, do chores that are behind, or stop by Gilbert & Connie's and just chill on the couch.  I went with the latter until it was time to head back to the hospital.  I got there just about 3minutes before 7pm.  It was quiet...not to many others coming to visit like it had been a few days ago.  When I saw Terry, I knew he was not doing as well as he had been earlier.  He was walking stiff and wasn't very responsive at all.  I asked him how he was since I had been up there, he shrugged and said very stressful.  I tried to get him to elaborate, but he didn't.  By the time we sat down at our spot again, he was shaking all over, running his hands thru his hair while he layed his head on the table.  When he let his hands rest on the table, he left a heavy perspirated spot, so I knew he was sweating.  I didn't know what to do.  I kept trying to ask him questions to distract him, tried to see if he wanted to do a game of checkers, or needed water; I got nowhere.  He finally decided he would ask the nurse for a shot.  His issue with doing that means he will not be able to go home tomorrow like he so desperately wants as they have to wait at least 24hrs before they will release you after giving you more medication.  He asked the nurse for something that he normally takes for anxiety attacks but he didn't have doctors orders for it, so they would not give it to him. I learned from the nurse on my way out that one reason is because since he overdosed on it, they are not giving him that.  Makes sense when you think about it, for several reasons.  As I left the hospital, my heart was heavy...I cried.  To see him go up and down in these mood swings hurts beyond words.  My heart achs for him.  I wish I knew what to do to help him.  I went back to the house to get my laundry as I promised Aunt Connie I would let her do it and Mrs Reid do my ironing, and then went to the gathering hoping to find Jeff, but he was at the hospital welcoming in a grandbaby.  I did get a few minutes with Drex and Dave together to find out how their time went, update them on Terry and let them know I feel we need a plan.  Many might not have known I was even out tonight because I was so emotional, I didn't go into the area where everyone was...I simply couldn't.  I am home now writing this update and then am going to take a Tylenol PM and try to get more sleep than I have of late.  Please pray...

Letting Go

To "let go" does does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is to not try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold or ague, but instead to search for my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more.

~Author Unknown


This is one of several pieces of information, articles and data from the Family Counseling session with Nancy today.  I thought it was good and wanted to share and let each of us reflect on "letting go"...

another update on Terry

I came home from the hospital knowing I had things to do and get done in the roughly two hour time frame until I would return back up there, but to be honest, I was exhausted, emotionally drained and ready to just break down and cry.  I sent the update out for the day by email, and then decided to put my cell phone on silent and crawl under the covers and take a 30minute nap, which I exactly did...and am so glad I did.  I got some food at Panda Express on my way to the hospital. I got there right before 7pm, but they would not let me take it in with me.  I ate a bit and then stuffed it in the locker with the rest of my things and went in to see Terry.  He had showered and had clean clothes on that Jeff had brought to him earlier when we were there.  He was tired and a bit withdrawn.  He said he was dealing with hallucinations and they had to give him a shot a little bit before I got there.  I think that was making him a bit more tired so he drank lots of water to help clear his brain.  We visited, some small talk and some serious.  He wasn't opening up too much.  Mom called to talk to Terry while I was talking to him and he took the call but didn't talk long.  While he was gone, one of the ladies that is in there as a patient stopped and told me she hoped he would make it. I warmly told her that I hoped so too.  She told me he had beat her at a game of checkers and that gave me the idea that when he came back maybe we could play that since he wasn't talking too much.  He had told me I could go since he was tired and Uncle Tom hadnt come, but I told him no, I was going to stay until the session ended unless Uncle Tom came then I would leave.  Well, he brightened up at the thought of playing a game of checkers, so we did.  He beat me at our first game and we were not far into our second when Uncle Tom arrived about 7:45pm.  We moved from the community room where the checkers were to the spot we have been sitting and visiting in.  In some ways, this whole process reminds me of a prison.  Anyways, Uncle Tom shared some thoughts and recommendations to Terry regarding my parents, his life as a child and what he wants to see for him now.  While we were talking Uncle Tom mentioned Jeff was out in the hall waiting.  Terry got a surprised look on his face and said "Again?" and had tears in his eyes.  I left at 8pm so that Jeff could have the last 15minutes with him with Uncle Tom.  I got to the baby shower for Tracy's "two peas in a pod" late but felt I should spend the time with Terry that they allow us since its such a narrow window.

This process has been an emotional rollercoaster.  How to help someone who sees things many times really clearly, then can turn and be so cold and firm in a decision is amazing...yet difficult in so many ways!  Please continue to pray that I will know how to be supportive and helpful in the roll as his sister, friend and fellow christian.

another update on Terry

I attended family counseling today at 3pm at the hospital with the therapist, Jeff and Terry.  Jeff arrived as quickly as he could after getting stopped by the police for them misreading his inspection sticker with it being current and him not thinking it was and then the train delayed him even more in Crowley.  It was an hour long session.  When you have no watch to keep track of the time and no clock in the room, its really hard to know if you are on track with time or not.  The therapist asked Terry questions, us questions, things were discussed & referenced to his childhood, what brought him to Texas, what he has done since he has been here and what his plans are from here.  Terry was pretty much in the same mood he was last night: calm, talkative enough to carry on a conversation, but still determined that he doesn't want to live and his life has a bleek outlook.  The therapist said she believes he is being honest and not hiding anything.  She believes it will be his choice, but with this being his 6th attempt at suicide she is not sure we can change his attitude in how it is bent.  She said we are doing all we can other than to be with him 100% of the time, which she said is not really possible and still will not prevent this happening again.  She didn't have any recommendations to us at this time other than to keep doing what we know to do and are doing.  She said she can tell he has a great support system and believes we need to keep praying.  She said no matter the outcome, we can not feel guilty for his choices.  In ways it was  good time, and in other ways sad, as it confirms what we have felt was the simple truth, Terry doesn't want to be here on earth.  After counseling, I left as Russell was there to visit Terry and he had a few minutes with him.  Warren also came and had some time with Terry.  Jeff came out and so I went back it, but it was right at the time they were saying that visiting hurs were over.  Our paperwork said it was 4 - 5pm, but its really only 4 - 4.45pm...it was wrong the nurse told me.  So I told Terry goodbye and that I would plan then to come up at 7pm and see him again since I didn't visit with him other than in the counseling session.

I have 6 followers on my blog now!!!

you probably think me crazy...but its okay, I probably am!  I have six friends following me on my blog now.  Yah, I am way behind some of my other blogging friends both in the number of friends/followers I have, lets not mention all the many other aspects of my blog that are lacking, even though I have been blogging a really long time, even longer than some of them newbies, but I guess they have had time to figure out all the cool ways to get your friends to follow you, probably have way better, awesome, great intriguing and interesting posts, plus they enjoy keeping up with the latest blog information and know things about MckLinky and what not that I don't...maybe someday I will have that kind of time, for now, I count my blessings...I have two more new friends!

another update on Terry

Tonight was my first time to get to visit with Terry in his new unit on the Behavior Health floor.  Jeff also was there to visit with him.  You have to lock all your belongings (cell phone, keys, sun glasses, purse, etc) up in a locker and take the key with you.  Anything you bring in has to be checked at the desk and "approved", i.e. Daniel Sollenberger had bought a nice set of fancy pencils and spiral bound drawing notebook.  He was not allowed the pencils because they were too long and not allowed the notebook because it was spiral, so we ripped out some paper and they gave him short 3" stubby pencils with no eraser.  I had written him a letter (which you can read an earlier post here on the blog) and the 5 verses I wrote out on 4x6 cards (also on an earlier post) and gave them to him when I saw him.  Everyone is in sock feet as they are not allowed shoe laces, belts, etc. He was calmer and not arguementative, but still doesn't believe that he deserves to live and doesn't want to be on any medications.  Jeff talked with him asked him if he was aware of what would happen if he didn't remain cooperative...Terry said yes, move him somewhere else...Jeff said yes, somewhere you really don't want to go, where the REALLY CRAZY people go. Jeff read a little bit from I Peter 3 and Psalms 103.  He told him he should draw how much he has been forgiven.  While we were visiting, Paul Moore came by.  Jeff went out so that Paul could have some time with him and I could stay as there are only 2 of us allowed in at a time.  After a bit, I got up and left so that Jeff could come back in.  Paul left 5minutes before the end of the session and I got a few more minutes with him.  I will be attending the family counseling session tomorrow and then be there for the visitation at 4pm for an hour. 

5 verses for you Terry

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord God goes with you...He will never leave you.  Deuteronomy 31:6


Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.  John 8:32


Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have mercy on him, for He will abundantly pardon.  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.  Isaiah 55:7&8


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:13



I have told Terry several times that he needs to pick 5 verses that will strengthen and encourage him in his battles...verses to help him fight the thoughts that invade and consume his mind...that he might be able to combat the lies and find hope in the truth. He has been studying all aspects of the word, which I have felt has overwhelmed him, so I am now picking 5 verses to give to him tonight when I see him to help him achieve this. I will probably prepare another 5 for my next visit because it was hard to just narrow to these.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

Misty,

===== forwarded your last e-mail to me since it was a lot of details to remember to tell me.

I just wanted to tell you that I am praying for you (and Terry) throughout the day and I want to encourage you in the Lord. Also, I appreciate you giving of yourself and your time to be a help to him, even when he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

Being on the giving end of things is where the Lord wants us to be. You are a good example to us.

Take care,
Your christian brother,
====

Dear Terry

I love you very much!  If I could only get you to understand how much.  God loves you even more than I do...He has forgiven all your sins and made each day a new day that you can start over fresh, clean and impowered thru His strength.  I know life has been very hard for you, has dealt you some tough things, and has been a great challenge and overwhelming in many ways.  I know that you are discouraged and don't feel you have any hope in this life.  Please know that I will be here for you, I will help you and encourage you through everything.  You have great potential and can do so much with your life.  Don't give up!  Please don't!!! 

With many thoughts, prayers, love and hugs,

Misty

another update on Terry

The social worker for Terry at the Behavior Health Unit in the hospital called me this morning and wanted to talk to me and ask me some questions regarding his situation.  We talked for about17minutes.  She wanted me to know that so far Terry is not cooperating this morning and wants to go "ama" (against medical advice).  She is not sure what the outcome will be at this time or where things will go from here.  He was admitted to the Behavior Health Program on a voluntary basis.  If he changes his agreement to that, that will change what they do with him.   She said they want him to be there 3-5days and to get him stable and adjust his medications. I made sure she was aware that we want him to receive all the help he can and confirmed with her that I will be there in the one hour and fifteen minute timeframe that I am allowed to come and visit him each day.

sharing a note of encouragement to me...

You’re such a good sister! Hang in there, girl. I know it has to be so hard, but the Lord will give you the strength to love and help Terry.

I’m continually praying for both of you.

With much love and a hug!

another update on Terry

When I arrived tonight to see Terry, the nurse would not let me in because there were already two people in the room.  They had not done this with me before, so I was a bit shocked at her persistence even though I am family.  I think it might be because we pushed our luck with 5 of us in the room last night when we were doing the legal paperwork.  :) 

Mark & Bev were visiting, so Bev came out and she & I visited a bit in the hallway.  Mark came out a little bit later as the doctor wanted to talk to Terry.  After the doctor finished his talk with Terry, he came out and informed me that he has given the clearance for Terry to be moved from the CICVU to the Behavioral Health floor.  He said he had his physiatric evaluation today which went good.  When I asked for an update, he said he would refer to that doctor to give me his assessment but that he would recommed Terry be put through a program.  I then visited with Terry for about 10-15min while they finished preparing to get him transferred.  He didn't have lunch but did eat dinner.  He said Weymen Zelder had been by along with Russell Ross and Daniel Sollenberger over the lunch period.  Mark, Bev & I went with Terry to the third floor to get him settled.  We were only allowed in thru part of the process, the explanation part & paperwork process along with an explanation of the visitation process and rules. The nurse informed us that most people are there 3-5days as it is a transitional phase to the next step.It is much more restrictive on how they do things then even ICU.  You must have his ID# to be allowed in to see him or to even talk to them over the phone.  There is one hour and fifteen minutes a day Monday - Friday that he can have visitors, only two at a time and the nurse said they will not let more than two in period.  Saturday and Sunday there is a one hour period and the same hour and fifteen minutes of the weekday slot.  I don't think Terry was really thrilled about having to stay in the hospital but I think its the best thing for him right now.  It will be 24hours before I can see him again and I will continue to try to update everyone on where things are.

another update on Terry

I went to see Terry on my way to work and arrived about 08:20am.  Jeff was there and the two of them were visiting.  Terry was more alert and awake, but his demeanor was not as pleasant as it was last night.  He didn't want to eat breakfast, expressed he still doesn't want to live, he has no hope, doesn't deserve to be treated well, blames himself for everything, etc.  Jeff tried to help with the areas that he needs to overcome truth with the lies he is believing, but it was met with resistance.  Jeff left about 30min after I arrived and I stayed another 45min.  I had a meeting scheduled over lunch with my client and knew I would not be able to make it back so I decided to stay and to visit a bit more with him and go into work late.  By the time I left I had convinced him to eat half of his breakfast even though he said it was not very tasty.  We read two different passages while I was there, Isaiah 55 and Proverbs 30, as he requested me to read. 

another update on Terry

I saw Terry tonight along with Tom & JoLinda. He was sitting up in bed and did not have oxygen on at all, very good sign. He said he was hungry and they said he could have more hot broth, but no solid foods yet. He was talking more and much more alert. We got Power of Attorney paperwork completed. Sylvia Woodall notarized the form. Michelle & Uncle Tom were witnesses. Uncle Tom had quite a bit of time with him while we waited in the waiting room area. We left the hospital about 9.30pm and went to IHOP as none of us had eaten dinner yet. He is to have his physiatric evaluation tomorrow and after that they should move him to the 3rd floor to that division, hopefully sometime tomorrow.

Thanks for all your continued prayers. I am still doing well, but beginning to be exhausted, hopefully a bit more sleep will do the trick.

another update on Terry

I went to the hospital at lunch and spent 90minutes with Terry.  He was asleep when I got there, but woke up and started visiting.  The ventilator had been removed and his voice was very raspy.  He was very hungry and had his first meal, liquids that consisted of: cranberry juice, lemonade, a boost drink, chicken broth, and jello.  He did well.  We chatted most the time, some of what he said made sense, some of it didn't.  He was still groggy from his medications.  He confirmed that Mom was the last person he talked to.  He talked to Mindy at 8pm Sunday night, me at 8.15pm and then Mom.  He had informed both Mom & Mindy that he was depressed and didn't want to live and really wanted to die.  He did not tell me this when he called.  His call was short and just to let me know that he was tired and was going to bed and hoped I had a good week at work.  I told him I hoped he did too and that we would get together later in the week.  We will know more about his mental state as the day wears on.  He did not remember me being there this morning, but I would expect that.

another update on Terry

I was at the hospital this morning, 8am-8.50am.  Sylvia Woodall met me up there and Jeff arrived while the doctor was talking to us. They were waking Terry up and going to draw blood after he stayed awak for awhile (an hour or so) and make sure his lungs were functioning the way they should be and that his oxygen levels stayed good with the goal to have him breathe on his own. He was frustrated at wanting to try to talk but with the ventilator in his mouth, he couldn't.  We got a piece of paper and held it for him to try and write us messages.  He wrote words on top of words and his writing at times was very hard to read, but we did our best to make things out.  He got tears in his eyes when I told him I loved him, that he was going to make it and that I wanted him to succeed.  The doctor said his pupils are good, vital signs are good, organs are functioning and things seem to be progressing nicely.   One of his doctors stressed very strongly that Terry needs lots of help.  I am aware of this and so are others,  I do not think any of us are ignorant of that fact nor are we opposed to the help they can give him. Though the Lord is who Terry needs the most, I do think the doctors need to get him stablized on medications and therapy. I will go back at lunch.

another update on Terry

I contacted my Granma Omi to update her on the situation of things and then went up to the hospital at the time of visiting hours, 8pm tonight. He opened his eyes in a dazzed sense and moved his head towards me but did not focus on me. Nelson &Shirley King went with me and we stayed about 20minutes. I talked to him a little bit trying to just register that I was there. 

I then went to Jeff's to read the letter that he left us (the family).

I appreciate the love, care, concern and prayers...Please keep all involved in your prayers that we have wisdom to know how to help and what to do from here.

another update on Terry

I went up to the hospital again at lunch but she had just given him some more medicine so I didn't talk to him. She said he will be there at least a few days. On my way back from the hospital to work I notified Mindy of what had happened and where things stood as of now.  Terry has had a few visitors, but of course he will not remember them.

another update on Terry

Jeff stopped by the hospital and then my work about 11am to give me an update. He said Terry nodded when he talked to him and he was pretty sure that he recognized his voice though he didn't do anything other than flutter his eyelids. The nurse asked him to squeeze his hand but he didn't. It will take more time for him to waken up and for us to know his progress. He is thrashing quite violently.

another update on Terry

I went to the hospital on my way to work to see him this morning about 8.45am.  Judy Lane met me there to be of support. He was unresponsive to me. Russell Ross had already been there and left him a note with verses on the bulletin board. I went thru Terry's belongings (let me spare you what I went thru and confirmed the fact that I could not be a nurse) in the "personal belongings bag" to try to see if I could find his cell phone and if it would power on to see who the last person was he talked to.  It was dead and would not power on.

Quotes

A journey of a thousand miles begins within a single step.
~ Chinese Proverb

some sad news on Terry

It is late, almost midnight to be exact, but I can't sleep...therefore I decided to update my blog...an update on my brother...be prepared, this is sad news.

Terry has been living here in Texas 5 months, nearly to the day.  He was found laying on his side on the floor in his bedroom overdosed tonight about 7.30-8pm. He probably had been there all day, we are not for sure. He was unresponsive, no medication bottles around, dressed in his clothes, with notes left to Jeff and Mom & Dad & Sisters. It was an obvious attempt at suicide, we just don't know with what. His PCP was called and so was 911. The paramedics started pumping his stomach immediately and he was taken to a local hospital. I did not go up there as it was not recommended I do because of his state. There is nothing I can do until he wakes up...if he does. They are unsure if he has brain damage, either from falling, or lack of oxygen. This will be told after more tests and time. It could take a couple days to know more.

I am fine. I have not cried, yet. I am sure I will...but right now, I am holding up pretty well, just trying to put everything in perspective...what could I have done differently?  what could I have said? what could I have done? what is it going to take for him to realize that he is loved and has such great potential?  He has been having a few tough weeks, so in many ways this is not a surprise. My heart achs for him to live differently, but according to his doctor, he may never be able to after having messed with some of the drugs he has messed with that really mess up your mind. Doctor says he probably has not been taking his medicine like he should have been and this might be one of the reasons that he has been acting the way he has. Its hard to know. You don't want to give him an excuse, neither do you want him to have an "out" for being angry, but if he needs the medicine you want him to take it. Its hard place to be in. If he doesn't make it, it might be the best thing for him...he will be HOME with our Heavenly Father!

I will update my blog as I have time....in the meantime, please pray for him...and me that I will have the wisdom to know how to help him if he survives.  Thank you my friends!